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"“Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A Poe..."
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RollDdice 5949 desperate attention whore postings
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09-22-11, 06:12 AM (EST)
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"“Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A Poe..."

There Once Was a Girl from Nantucket… - Semhar arrives at the beautiful Poet’s Retreat known as Redemption Island. It seems that The Artist Formerly Known as Saint Matthew of Fabio has left her a poem. He also left her a stone tablet with a half-dozen Survivor “commandments” etched on it, but since most of them are recipes for Dolphin Picatta and the rest are very specific death threats against Rob, Ambuh and Ambuh’s stuffed animal, it’s hardly worth a Kindle download. However, the poem reads, “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Vote for me and I’ll set you free” which just proves that Matt was a ball of confusion near the end.

Our *cough* writers have tried to wrap their heads around iambic pentameter with this ditty about Recycle Island that we’ve recreated on singed parchment in order to make it more dramatic:

The basic supplies are included, of that you should have no fear
We called Papa John’s, Pizza Hut and Domino’s
But no one delivers here

The Duel at Anemic Arena is a comin’
Don’t imagine that it’s a lock
If you lose… you cool your heels at Ponderosa
Win… and you’re still stuck on this rock

The heady drama of competition
Suspense about what will transpire
We really couldn’t come up with anything better
Than a buff smoldering in a fire?

Semhar confessionalizes that she has abandonment issues, but she turns her pain into positivity through her poetry. As she recites a rambling poem about some ex-boyfriend who had the good sense to gnaw off his own arm and escape, I raise a glass to my crack Casting Department who, after twenty three seasons still knows the best sanitariums, rehab facilities and wacky religious cult compounds to cruise for fresh meat. Lock that in your house, Big Brother!

”Where’s My Satin Smoking Jacket?” - Meanwhile, at Savior, Cochran tells us that after begging and pleading for his life at Tribal Council, he now plans to “turn on the cool, mellow Cochran instead of the nerdy guy.” That’s like a leopard changing his spots or someone at Uh’postle trying to explain their tats… Oh pierced person, please ink me up with that Tribal flash on the wall that has the word “Foreshadowing” in huge Gothic letters.

Nonetheless, Ozzy and Keith have faith that when the challenges are physical and mental, that’s where Cochran will shine. Unfortunately, there’s little likelihood that the next Challenge will have anything to do with World of Warcraft or rebuilding an Altair 8800.

Ozzy Gets HII - Coach and Edna walk and bond as Coach tells her that he is still smarting from Christine’s remarks at the dramatic reveal-slash-tribe assignment-slash-Challenge loss.

Because Edna was the only one who spoke with Coach after his second place showing, he feels an affinity for her and he’s shrewdly trying to see if he can ease Edna into an alliance. He has a lot of work to do because so far Coach is only allied with Rick, Sophie, Brandon, Albert, a tree frog, a sand crab and three coconuts. For her part, Edna says that she’s “on the bottom of the totem pole.” This either means that she knows that she’s one of the smallest people there and she’s anxious to jump into any operating room that’ll have her, or she’s fantasizing about an exotic sexual position with Native American Elyse.

Over at Savior Cochran is making good on his promise to do more around camp by chopping up coconuts without even being asked. He tells us that his mom didn’t want him to handle a machete without adult supervision, so we can be fairly certain that John’s coconuts are in his mom’s purse at home. Ozzy uses the Cochran coming of age pageant to grab the snorkeling gear and declare that he’s going to do some “float down” fishing. All I can say is that Ozzy must have shotgunned some powerful weed with that snorkle, because his “float down” has him climbing trees and looking for the Hidden Immunity Idol. Ozzy explains his eagle-eyed technique by saying, “Three times around, you start learning what to look for—rocks in trees are a good sign that you’ve found something good.”
Well, at least every word doesn’t have to be translated into English like Rooster Ralph.

There’s Got To Be A Morning After – The next morning Coach and Brandon are discussing their sleeping arrangements and Coach remarks, “I tried to cuddle up with you last night, man. Remember when I asked you if you were cold?” Brandon replies, “Uhh huh. Did you put something over me?”
Yes he did, Brandon. It’s called Chloroform.

Coach or Mikayla. That’s quite a Sophie’s Choice. The ironic thing is that Sophie isn’t even on Brandon’s radar, much less presenting a moral dilemma. Instead, Brandon is whipping his own back with reeds because he hasn’t yet revealed to his new best buddy Coach that he’s Hantz-some. It’s obvious that Brandon has put a lot of thought and planning into how he will broach this difficult subject because he suddenly turns to Coach and says, “Wanna see something cool?” as he pulls up his shirt sleeve and reveals his Lil Hantz tattoo. As the Coach’s brain box struggles to put it all together, he gasps, “That’s not your last name is it?” Brandon reveals that much like Chaz Bono, he used to be a biological female named Lilly Hantz and he has recently undergone gender reassignment surgery. (Note: That probably didn’t happen, but you’ve got to pardon an occasional blackout/ ratings fantasy. You try doing this for eleventy million years.)

Poke-A-Hooker - It’s morning at the Savior camp and “Dance Team Manager” / Indian Princess, Elyse “Ninety Nine Cents*” Umemoto declares that she’s hungry. Assuming her best “yoga fingers” pose she reaches out to her Native American roots. “Teach me to dip nets, oh great ancestors. Teach me to make reservations at the best restaurants and to manipulate the boys into doing what I want.” Call it a two for three win for the great ancestors and just pray that her Native American grandmother “Firm Boulders” lived several teepees over from Phillip’s Native American grandfather, “Screw Loose with Feather”.

Meanwhile the men of Savior are fishing and this gives Jim, the World Poker Champ and Medical Marijuana Pusher Distributor a chance to dispense his wisdom. He tells us that in Survivor “You want to have as many chips as you can for the coming weeks and really, the rest of the game.” This profound logic and his career choices should help wrap up an excellent criminal case against his high school guidance counselor. Jim’s “three plus two” plan includes himself, Keith and Ozzy with Elyse and Whitney representing the Estrogen Ensemble.

If I were a betting man, I’d wager that Brandon is going to give RussHell some serious competition when it comes to total screen time. Brandon grabs his camera crew and tells them that he doesn’t like Mikayla. His rationale is that she’s attractive and seductive and that he doesn’t feel comfortable around her. He goes on to say that “It’s the ones who are good looking and seductive that you want to get rid of.” Clearly, he doesn’t know how television works and he’s trying to give me an aneurysm.

”This Is Not A Picnic” RC/IC - Coach and the rest of Uh’postles stroll over to the Challenge mats while eating some of the biggest candy corn that I’ve ever seen. When asked, Coach tells J PRO that the local fruit is called pandera and that “the tribe that eats pandera together wins together.”
It seems that Savior was opening and eating cans of whup ass, because they unwound the ribbons, unlocked the locks, pushed the crates and came from behind to win the Challenge.

”He Has Demons.” - With the Uh’postles destined for their first TC, the scramble begins. While Coach is harboring a grudge against Christine, he still manages to get support to split the vote and edge Christine or Stacey over to Redemption Island. Meanwhile, Brandon is pushing Sophie and Rick to vote out Mikayla. Coach observes Brandon’s torment over a woman who has done him no harm and tells us that Brandon “has demons that he’s facing on a daily basis that we don’t know about.”

All Are Welcome… - At Tribal Council, the Uh’postles get their fire. In short order J PRO has stirred the pot and Christine is sneering at Coach, and calling him “Mr. Honesty.” Brandon has walked into a trap and ends up confessing that he told Stacey and Christine to vote for Mikayla. Stacey gives NaOnka a run for her money, occasionally pointing her trigger finger at people who’ve been backed into a corner and snapping off convincing “pow” and “boom” mercy killings.

But finally it’s the teacher Christine, who is forced to write “I will go to Redemption Island now” a thousand times on the blackboard.


* Ninety Nine Cents – because Elyse is always under a buck.



Mark "Night Owl" Burnett
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Table of Contents
  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
 “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A Poe...   RollDdice     09-22-11       
   RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   caseymagoo     09-22-11     1  
     RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   agman     09-22-11     5  
         RE: nice visor   caseymagoo     09-22-11     15  
         RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   krismiss2us     09-22-11     22  
             RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   agman     09-23-11     28  
                 RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   krismiss2us     09-23-11     35  
                     RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   agman     09-23-11     36  
   RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   agman     09-22-11     2  
     RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   dabo     09-22-11     13  
     RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   Belle Book     09-22-11     17  
     RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   mrc     09-23-11     24  
         RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   agman     09-23-11     37  
   Parv for the Perv   suzzee     09-22-11     3  
     RE: Parv for the Perv   caseymagoo     09-22-11     4  
     uh...Mikayla honey...   agman     09-23-11     33  
         RE: uh...Mikayla honey...   krismiss2us     09-27-11     61  
   RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   dabo     09-22-11     6  
   RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   suzzee     09-22-11     7  
     Woah!   jbug     09-22-11     9  
         RE: Woah!   agman     09-22-11     11  
   RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   jbug     09-22-11     8  
     RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   suzzee     09-23-11     25  
         RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   agman     09-23-11     38  
     RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   cahaya     09-24-11     50  
   RКто гl...   Brownroach     09-22-11     10  
     RE: RКто г&...   Belle Book     09-23-11     40  
     RE: RКто г&...   agman     09-24-11     45  
     RE: RКто г&...   krismiss2us     09-27-11     63  
   RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   kingfish     09-22-11     12  
     RE: thanks!   caseymagoo     09-22-11     16  
         RE: thanks!   dabo     09-22-11     19  
         RE: thanks!   suzzee     09-23-11     27  
     RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   suzzee     09-23-11     26  
         RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   kingfish     09-23-11     39  
     RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   RollDdice     09-23-11     31  
         RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   kingfish     09-23-11     34  
     RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   michel     09-24-11     42  
         RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   kingfish     09-24-11     44  
   RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   MissMyth     09-22-11     14  
   RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   Belle Book     09-22-11     18  
     RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   krismiss2us     09-22-11     21  
         RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   Belle Book     09-23-11     41  
             RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   krismiss2us     09-24-11     47  
                 RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   Belle Book     09-24-11     49  
                     RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   krismiss2us     09-24-11     51  
                         RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   Belle Book     09-25-11     52  
                             RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   krismiss2us     09-27-11     59  
   RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   Scarlett O Hara     09-22-11     20  
     RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   jbug     09-23-11     30  
     RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   michel     09-24-11     43  
   RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   qwertypie     09-23-11     23  
     RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   suzzee     09-23-11     29  
     RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   kingfish     09-23-11     32  
     RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   krismiss2us     09-24-11     48  
   Positivity   kingfish     09-24-11     46  
     RE: Positivity   michel     09-26-11     53  
         RE: Positivity   kingfish     09-27-11     54  
             RE: Positivity   RollDdice     09-27-11     55  
                 RE: Positivity   MissMyth     09-27-11     57  
             RE: Positivity   michel     09-28-11     64  
                 RE: Positivity   kingfish     09-28-11     66  
         RE: Positivity   krismiss2us     09-27-11     60  
             RE: Positivity   michel     09-28-11     65  
   RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   jbug     09-27-11     56  
     RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A...   agman     09-27-11     58  
         I feel so dirty   suzzee     09-27-11     62  

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