Pick Any Helicopter You Like Under The Awning Marked ‘Economy’ Eleven years, twenty three seasons, millions of dollars in advertising revenue and CBS is still trying to squeeze my neck until quarters pop out of my ears. “Economize” they say. I remember the glory days when we had an Apocalypse Now-like armada of helicopters; one for Jiffy, one for contestants, one each for the “mystery” returning players, and one just for my champagne, hookers and blow. Now we’re down to one rickety rental that was last used on “The A-Team”—not the movie, but the episode back in 1983 when they had to drug “B.A.” Baracus to get him on a helicopter because he was afraid to fly. Oh wait, that was every episode.

Back in Survivor airspace, the Malaysian cab driver they’re trying to pass off as a real pilot pulls through some choppy air and Coach tells us that he wants to “control his sense of self-righteousness and judgment on the others” and that he’s planning to play the game of Survivor with “honor and integrity.” I’d tell him that there’s a difference between having character and being a character, but I glance over at Ozzy who’s leaning out the side door, staring at the ocean below us, trying to speak dolphin.

Last year the CBS “No One Left Behind” message involved explaining how Redemption Island worked. That was so successful that the marketing geniuses have determined that the entire theme this season is “Redemption”. Coach is going to avenge his previous two losses by being a better person, while Ozzy has decided that his redemption rides on his maturity and better strategy. I just know that I’m going to be redeeming food stamps by the time this season ends.

The CBS accountants continue to pinch pennies as the contestants paddle canoes in from the ocean. We are introduced to a small appetizer platter of Survivor players, including John Cochran who tells us that he’s never missed watching an episode of Survivor and that he once wrote a prizing winning essay on Survivor in law school. Not to indulge in any foreshadowing, but the 97-pound Survivor Geek who knows every aspect of the game may not go very far in Challenges. Unless the Challenges involve rolling polyhedral dice in someone’s basement rec room. Then there’s Funeral Director Stacey who confessionalizes that “When you think I’m asleep… I’m not asleep. I’m gonna be nosey as hell.” This is quite a change from NaOnka who was just noisy as hell. Then there’s Brandon Hantz who compares his situation as Russell Hantz’s nephew to “being related to Hitler, but I don’t think Hitler’s nephew was running around saying, ‘Hey, I’m Hitler’s nephew’. Wow, re-routing the neighbor’s cable to your trailer home and watching the History Channel really paid off there.

Brandon also remarks that “I came out here to change the course of the Hantz family name.” This is going to be a challenge. Besides a wacky neck tattoo that seems to say “Loco” if you turn your head and squint just right, Brandon has two other tattoos on his upper body that feature his surname.
It’s almost as if someone thought that the 19-year-old had a habit of wandering off, and needed to be monogrammed -- the same way you put your kid’s name in his underwear before you send him to summer camp. (Triple word score for the oblique Phillip/underwear reference.)

All Brandon has to do is keep his left arm and back of his neck covered so that no one sees his tattoos. Left arm… covered. Redneck… covered. Sort of like the old Milton Bradley Tattoo Twister board game. For 39 days. With the heat and humidity that some have described as “living inside the Devil’s own Hot Pocket.”

That’s Kinda Vague. You’re Going To Have To Be A Little More Pacific – It’s clear that we’re in the lower rent district of the Pacific Islands as the helicopter hovers. No more Redemption Island Arena that resembles a tremendous Roman gladiator school. Instead, this looks like a bad Frontierland at the failed Disneyland in Botswana.

Jiffy welcomes everyone to the Arena and tells the two tribes that they are not yet complete. The helicopter arrives with great fanfare and two figures run like Vic Morrow in Twilight Zone: The Movie from the never-safety-inspected chopper. Ozzy arrives first to a healthy round of applause. Coach is close enough behind that he can hear the applause drop to the ground, wither and die as soon as the two tribes see him and his ‘Coach’ Collection by Target printed shirt.

Mikayla sums up the difference between Ozzy and Coach pretty clearly: “Ozzy… this guy can climb, he can fish, he’s fast. Someone you want to have on your tribe. And then there’s Coach. He’s going to be so loony and out there. He’s going to be nuts.” Christine goes even farther by mocking Coach with a dead-on Ralph Macchio Crane Stance and calls Coach and Ozzy “temporary players.” Take that, Cobra Kai Dojo!

But there’s more from the Peanut Gallery. Survivor Superfan John Cochran wants Jiffy to call him “Cochran” as he’s sure that he’ll quickly become one of Jiffy’s favorite players, much like the dysfunctional law firm of Donaldson, Penner & Mariano.

It seems that we can’t afford lower third credits or painted stones this season, so Jiffy has Ozzy and Coach each break an egg shell filled with paint. Coach draws blue for the Upload tribe and Ozzy smashes his egg to reveal red paint, representing Save As. As each returning contestant walks to his respective group, Coach acknowledges that his tribe doesn’t like him very much and that he’s going to have to have “twice the Slayer charm to get through the next few days.”

Turtle to King’s Bishop 3 – This is no “Getting to Know You” Summer Cotillion. Jiffy announces that Coach and Ozzy will immediately compete in the first challenge. They will each climb up a 12’ pole to retrieve a wooden turtle, then dig and slide under a log. Finally they will solve a puzzle that involves moving smaller and larger wooden discs amongst three tables. What is supposed to be an individual competition becomes a tribe effort as each side starts yelling encouragement and puzzle advice. Ultimately, Ozzy wins for Save As and his tribe takes home Taro and fire in the form of a flint.

Camp Life – At Save As, Ozzy tells everyone that this is the best tribe that he’s ever been on. He declares that “we shouldn’t break our necks” building a shelter – that they should take a swim instead. “Swim” seems to be code for Phillip Flashback as the members of Save As strip off their clothes and dash into the ocean in their underwear. Retired police officer Caruso at least tries to get a grip on his tighty blue-ees as he rides his Jockeys into the waves. Cochran whines about his “translucent skin” and stresses about being nearly in the buff without a buff.

Once in the water, the tribe members get to know each other by going around the circle and talking about what they do for a living. This bonding and trust exercise is strengthened by the fact that a couple of them are lying through their teeth. Jim Rice turns his Medical Marijuana Dispensary Owner/Pro Poker Player double career into “high school science teacher”, but that sounds boring even to him, so it morphs into “Uhm, actually Forensic Science.” How’s that, Jim? You have the sophomores killing the freshmen while the seniors analyze blood spatter and semen? HS-CSI-OMG.

In the same spirit, Mark Anthony reveals that he’s a retired cop, he’s gay and that wants to be called “Papa Bear”. Make that HS-CSI-OMG-TMI.

Meanwhile, over at Upload, Coach and his tribe are putting together their shelter. Mikayla, the Playboy cover model is jumping all over the structure, waving her palm fronds to and fro. Brandon can handle “to”, but he’s having a lot of problems with “fro”. He says that while he’s strayed from his Church in the past, he’s back now. Apparently, Mikayla flaunts herself without knowing it and the tattooed “young married gentleman” is about to have the vapors, which looks a lot like a pervert staring at an attractive young woman.

Immunity Challenge: “Spiderman And The Web Of Coconuts” - No Bono, Edge or harnesses here. Tribes have to race through pathways, power through a web of coconuts and over a ten foot wall. Once everyone’s on the appropriate mat, you dig up a machete and chop the rope to release a bin of coconuts. Toss the coconuts into a net bag to raise the flag. Total cost: $20 for the coconuts. CBS suits are happy.

Coach and his Upload tribe get through to the wall just ahead of Ozzy and Save As. John Cochran (AKA: Cochran, AKA: Survivor Superfan, AKA: Not OJ’s lawyer) approaches the wall and suddenly says, “What am I doing?”. It’s as if he hit the wall and then hit the wall. Ozzy and his tribemates manage to throw him over the wall. It’s close as both teams get into position to shoot their coconuts into the net bag. Mikayla is a scoring machine for Upload, while Semhar, who lobbied for the position, just doesn’t have the strength to toss her coconuts in for Save As. When it’s all said and done, Upload wins, earning Immunity, a flint and a clue to a Hidden Immunity Idol.

(to be continued wrapped up efficiently when I can focus again...)

Mark "90 minute premiere? Who authorized that?" Burnett