LAST EDITED ON 03-12-11 AT 11:50 PM (EST)
Let’s Get Ready to Slumber Rumble - As we join this edition of Survivor Slumber Party, we see Russell preparing to give Francesca some sweet, sweet lovin’. But to his surprise, it’s Matt who has already put his own bra in the freezer and is now braiding his hair and singing Justin Bieber songs into the handle of his hairbrush. Russell’s thoughts of love are dashed . . . no, pipe that . . . Russell gives a ‘what the hell’ shrug and it appears that he’s reaching for Matt’s . . . damn, Russell suddenly notices the night cameraman and quickly changes direction. It looks like there won’t be any Brokeback Island tonight.
Matt communicates the cacophony of emotions swirling through his mind by blandly telling the camera “Russell Hantz just walked into my camp.” Note to Recycle Island Camera Op: Please tell this kid that Survivor is a reality show and not a 39 day long Deposition.
In confession, Russell’s ego is writing checks and his mouth is spitting out cash like an ATM. He tells us that this is the first time he’s ever been voted out by his tribe mates and he’s pissed off. The Zygote Poet Laureate goes on to say that he wants to “bitch slap every one of them for lying to me. My tribe’s gonna come here one at a time and I’m gonna pick them off and make them suffer. I’m gonna say, ‘Sleep in the mud, fool!’” Mr. T feels a ripple in the Force, but smiles in anticipation of yet another royalty check and perhaps a catch-phrase line extension.
Saggy Bottom Breakdown - Over at Onomatopoeia, Phillip is sweeping up the Flatt while his Scruggs are hanging out of his tighty-pinkies, sickening the rest of his tribe. Sweep, Phillip. Sweep, sweep, sweep. Natalie and Ashley avert their eyes, gag and mutter “disgusting”, while Rob opines about Phillip’s ability to pack his own suitcase, asking “Who comes on Survivor wearing a worn out pair of pink tighty-whities? It’s like your dad wearing shorts he should have thrown out months ago. You don’t want your friends coming over to play and seeing that.”
After a half hour of trying to get Phillip to sit in such a way that we don’t see Paris and France, his confessional reveals that he thinks that the younger players don’t understand him. His solution? “There has to be another side of me that emerges—the guy that’s undercover.”
Clear proof that someone’s elastic is unraveling, because we all know that if you want to gain trust in Survivor you should always insert another layer of espionage and evasiveness.
Upon further reflection Phillip decides that he’s going to use his government experience with the BVDs in order to jockey for position, continue to hunt and provide fruit of the looms, and use his Joe Boxer attitude to be more Hanes-on with his tribe mates and then CK what happens.
On the Zygote beach, Cult of Russell members Stephanie and Krista discuss the fact that they are stuck with all of the goobers and they’re not having any fun. But they use their private time wisely to plan what their strategy will be when Russell wins the Challenge at Redemption Island and rejoins the game. Krista: “I hope Russell kills it.” Stephanie: “He will kill it.” Wow. When it comes to strategy, these CURs are really swimming upstream.
Can I get a witness? - Phillip scoops up the tree mail for Onomatopoeia which tells the tribe to select two people to go to the Duel at Redemption Island. The clue suggests options for selecting who will be audience members for the Duel. One is Rochambeau, which Phillip pronounces “rotten shampoo”. Rochambeau is basically Rock-Paper-Scissors if you wear a beret and like depressing cinema, but they would have done as well with “The Big Bang Theory’s” Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock or the Charlie Sheen variant, Death by Overdose –Death by Hooker- Death by Career Suicide. Before a Rules Committee can be formed, Phillip volunteers to go and ropes Kristina in as well.
It’s no surprise that Phillip justifies his desire to see the Recycle Island Duel because he’s a Former Federal Agent. “I definitely want to go to Redemption Island because of my background as a Special Agent with the United States Government. I’m looking for a little Intel to help me win this game.” You can’t help think that when he heads off for his morning movement he tells everyone, “I must find a tree to use as a latrine because of my background as a Former Federal Special Agent where we were taught that expelling solid waste is important to our sense of well being.”
My prediction is that in order to emphasize his authority over his younger tribe mates and reinforce his former Special Agent-ness, we’re just two episodes away from seeing Phillip wear his fuscia Underoos and a tie that he’s fashioned from tree bark. Very Yogi Bear.
David vs. EGO-lie-eth - Over at Redemption Island, Russell is just starting to fire up his personal PR machine, telling us that “This Duel is going to be Man O Man, a good versus evil type thing.” Whether Russell meant mano y mano or if he was still thinking about cuddling with Matt is lost to history, but it is clear that he has his game face on, meaning a nasty scowl and an even nastier carnival hat.
For his part, Saint Matt points out that “Russell is the biggest villain in Survivor history, Hantz down, but I’m fighting to honor my God.” With tsunamis, earthquakes, devastation and starvation going on, I’m not sure that our little show is on God’s myFaves calling plan, but I hope there are some religious Nielsen families praying for us rather than false American Idols.
With Phillip and Kristina seated for Onomatopoeia and Ralph and Sarita for Zygote, Jiffy explains that the Challenge involves stacking blocks of wood that will fall down in order, releasing a ball that will smash a tile. Saint Matt’s muttered prayer, “Domino, Nabisco, hand me the Crisco” seems to be working as he quickly lines up his blocks, but his first attempt fails in the middle. Russell comes up short as well and as he desperately tries to re-set, Matt spaces his wood blocks correctly and with a push on the first domino, sets the chain reaction in motion to win the Challenge.
From the cheap seats Ralph is hopping up and down while it seems that Sarita has peed herself from pure happiness. Phillip is in shock, while Kristina shouts, “Holy mackerel!” fulfilling all of our religious and fish pun needs in one declarative statement.
Jiffy points out that Russell is done, and for the third time he now has no chance to win Survivor. But even the Texan Tormentor has figured that out. He starts crying and pulls down the brim of his hat to hide his tears. “My tribe threw a Challenge to send me here. I’m like a Pro Quarterback who has peewee leaguers on my team. I have to run the ball, throw the ball to myself and catch it.” Ralph can’t let this go and brags that he found the HII in less than five minutes. Even if he is officially out of the game, Russell still knows how to manipulate someone’s ego. Russell says he doesn’t believe it and wants to see the Idol. Before you can say, “short bus”, Rooster is trying to dig the Idol out of his bag. Sarita is furiously stage-whispering “Don’t do it, Ralph” over and over until it gets through, but the damage is done. Ralph pulls his empty hand and says “I faked yew…” in Russell’s general direction, but no one’s buying it. No one’s even renting.
Phillip chimes in with “I earned my living discerning whether someone’s telling the truth or not . . .”
Thank you, Special Agent Obvious. The bombshell has been dropped, but the strafing run continues. Russell outs Sarita as the leader and names Mike and Steve as a team. Russell ends his reign of terror by proclaiming, “Now through these two, I can stay in this game.” Having said his piece, Russell slithers off toward the Ponderosa, just east of Mordor.
Meanwhile, over at Onomatopoeia, Rob confesses that he needs some private time to search for the HII, so he creates Carnival Day. He promises that if the rest of his tribe comes down to the beach, they’ll find the games, rides, ponies and 65” HD flat screen that he’s rented for them. Once they’re on the beach, Rob pretends that he’s dealing with a bout of constipation and jogs into the woods with a shovel.
He’s looking for the Pope, a Bear and the HII. After a frantic and furious search Rob spots the Idol wedged between two branches of a tree. “Ding ding ding, we have a winner!” he declares.
Ding Dong, The Troll is Dead – At Zygote, Rooster and Sarita tell the tale of Russell’s defeat at the hands of Matt while their tribe mates listen, spellbound. Stephanie and Krista are upset that Russell was in tears and they continue to defend him.
On the walk back to Onomatopoeia, Phillip’s Underoos swish. Swish, swish, swish. He tells Kristina not to say anything to the others about Russell's revelations about Zygote’s Idol and alliances. Phillip tells her that this information can be valuable and can help them both. He might even be able to keep her in the game a little longer. Her masterful response is “You have experience in these covert matters, Phillip. So whatever you think.” How Kristina managed to bite her lip and not burst out laughing is the stuff of which legends are made.
Kristina continues to hold it together back at camp while Phillip regales everyone else with his version of the Duel. After his performance, Phillip pulls Rob and Grant aside for a debriefing. You would think that “debriefing” means that his Underoos have finally given up the ghost, but he wants to tell them “the whole story” in exchange for moving Kristina down the elimination list. Under Rob’s questioning, Phillip’s story and leverage just … unravel. When Rob and Grant are alone, they agree that they can’t trust Phillip and that he’s got to go.
Immunity/Reward Challenge: What a Tool – Each tribe will use the Craftsman tool kit to open a crate, retrieve a shovel, dig until they find an axe which will be used to chop a log that will release two saws. The saws will used to cut through a plank wall. The planks will be used to complete a ramp that will get the tribe to a platform where they must hammer three nails through to break three tiles. Besides Immunity, the winning tribe will get a BBQ and feast including steak, sausages, and vegetables.
Rob and Rooster feature prominently for their tribes. Jiffy provides excellent commentary, even telling Phillip, “You need to dig!” as he falls behind. In the end Zygote wins Immunity and the feast.
In his confessional, Mike tells us that “The victory was exponential. I haven’t thought about sex in two weeks, just food.” ‘Exponential’? Inconceivable. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
“I now call this meeting of the ‘Foot in mouth club’ to order” – In a grand tradition that dates back four episodes, Phillip calls an Onomatopoeia tribe meeting to call their performance at the Challenge a good effort. The waves of hatred coming toward Phillip look like the “stink lines” that the Warner Brothers cartoonists would draw around Pepe and Pene Le Pew. (the cartoon characters, not our own beloved RTVW members) While Phillip is oblivious to the vibe, Rob mentions that there is “utter malice toward Phil that’s palpable” and proves two things; Phillip is clueless and Mariano brought a word-a-day calendar as his luxury item.
Never Go Against a Sicilian when Tribal Council is On The Line – Kristina is feeling a little defensive and finding her options limited, tries to plant doubt in Natalie’s mind about someone having discovered the HII by now. Armed with this information, Natalie goes running off to her alliance. She explains that Kristina hasn’t been searching for the HII, so she must have it. Those who do not have, seek. Those who have, do not seek. Rob, who did his hide-n-seeking in private has the Idol, and is secretly thrilled that no suspects him. He puts the poisoned goblet of wine in front of Vizzini, nods wisely and convinces his alliance to split the vote between Kristina and Phillip. The goal is to get rid of Kristina as Rob senses that she is the smarter player. There may be some grumbling, but for the most part the tribe says, “As you wish” to Rob.
Have Fun Stormin’ The Council - Everyone has run out of tattoos for show and tell, so Tribal Council is fairly straight-forward. Kristina positions Phillip as disruptive around camp and Jiffy asks Phillip if that’s a label that he’s faced before. Phillip tells everyone that he is “a doer” who has “the Sheppard stamp”. He also revealed that he was with the U.S. Army Field Sanitation Team and earned the second highest medal available during peacetime. Apparently, there’s some enemy garbage that can shoot back.
Jiffy rolls his eyes and concurs that Phillip is “a doer” and they go off to vote. The Rob vote split goes off without a hitch and Kristina Kell marches off to Redemption Island. However, she goes with a pure heart, an empty mind and a plan. Her Recycle Island Duel strategy is to “rock it.” You heard that right. She’s going to rock it with Saint Matt for all the marbles. Let’s see American Idol’s “Salute to Glee” beat that.
Mark "Burned Out" Burnett