LAST EDITED ON 02-17-11 AT 12:56 PM (EST)

I Love The Smell Of Ratings In The Morning - Jealousy wears Camo Green this week as our intrepid host Jeff Probst does his best Anderson Cooper impression. The only problem is that he’s walking through a war-torn Nicaraguan helicopter, fresh from the Bilwascarma Hertz helicopter rental desk. The contestants have been pre-Tribed and sit on benches, wearing identical “what the hell have I gotten myself into…?” expressions. As we see the daring Jiffy dangling his legs out of the back of the chopper, we segue into one of the longest main title sequences ever. Are there fifty contestants this time around, or does it just seem like standing room only?

Are You Ready For Your Mystery Date? - Once everyone’s standing on their mats waiting for their juice boxes, a smaller helicopter arrives with some human leftovers. Boston Rob and Russell roll out, greeted by cheers for Rob and “Oh, no’s” for one of the sorest losers ever to play the game of Survivor. Jiffy explains that between them, Rob and Russell have 156 days of Survivor experience and short of your humble Executive Producer Mark Burnett producing “Dancing With The Celebrity Survivors As They Go On An Amazing Race And Become Biggest Losers On Their Way To Project Runway” this is the best shot we have at beating American Idol.

The two tribes are the Omelet tribe who are mostly egg shaped, and the Zapaterias who, unlike last season’s Dan, thought ahead and packed sensible shoes. Rob goes to the Egg People, while Russell stands next to the Shoe Crew. Jiffy goes on to explain the concept behind Recycle Island. Basically, even if someone is voted out, they’ll have the opportunity to “duel” with the next cast-off for the opportunity to return. No word yet on whether they take the SAT to stay in or if it’s a simple Gladiator battle to the death. (We’re still reviewing the focus group data, but it’s leaning toward blood in the sand. Yay!)

Painful Product Tie-Ins Parts 1, 2 and 3 – Jiffy teasing the rules of Redemption Island push us quite naturally into the SPRINT sponsored “Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda…. What if?” spots. They featured Shambo, Brenda and Erik and by the time most people saw all three, the only remaining question was, “What would it cost me to switch to T-Mobile?”

Bad Boys, Bad Boys - Over at Zapateria, Russ confessionalizes that during his first two Survivor appearances that he was a “schoolboy” and that on this one, he’s “bringing it.” While Russell was chest-thumping, farmer Ralph “Steel Wool” “Rooster”* Kiser {see Nickname Rule below} swung by the hardware store and grabbed some nails, hatchets, twine, shovels and a blender, conveniently arranged in a wooden box marked “Craftsman” on the side.

Meanwhile at the Incredible Edible Omelet, Matt is man-crushing on Rob and calls their living situation “Camp Harmony”. Professional Dancer Natalie says that Rob is “amazing”. That’s high praise for her to heap on any man who isn’t actively putting singles into her G-string. The only crazy, one-winged fly in the ointment seems to be Phillip, the former Federal Agent who is annoying everyone within earshot.

During Phillip’s confessional, he compares himself and Rob to lions who are sizing each other up for leadership of the pack. His roar doesn’t qualify him for an off-off-off-Broadway production of The Lion King, but it does allow us the opportunity to see his lower third reads “Former Federal Agent?” Question mark? Wouldn't one phone call have cleared up this pesky question? I certainly know we’ve had some casting problems in the past, but we should at least try to weed out some of the more obvious psychos. Odds are that even if he hasn’t recently escaped from a mental institution and has actually worked for our government, Mr. Phelps is disavowing any knowledge of his actions.

Walk Of Shame – Russell asks Stephanie to go check for tree mail with him. After passing Russell’s “can you remember every strategic move I’ve ever made” quiz, Russell says that they should form an alliance.
Russell mentions that if they’re in an alliance together that they should keep their distance so they don’t arouse the suspicions of the others. Winner! Stephanie can’t say “yes” fast enough.
Stephanie confessionalizes that she was using her best prom date moves, but she seems too young to have seen the movie Carrie. Russell is buttered up on both sides, but back at camp, Mike mutters, “Any advantages of having Russell around have quickly evaporated.”

Survivor On Fifty Neuroses A Day – Kristina floats the idea of voting Rob out to Phillip in the hopes of forming a voting block. She closes with a simple, “Don’t tell anyone” and is met with medley of “corroboration”, “I’m a process person,” and my new personal favorite, “You have to pipe that.” Paging the Prop Department: We need a hand truck with ATV sand tires. We may have to do a Hannibal Lecter on Phillip.

IC: Can’t We Just Go To A Reform Temple? – The Immunity Challenge involves pushing four heavy blocks to form the base of a temple, climbing up them to the next platform and chopping ropes to release more stairs. At the top of the stairs is . . . you guessed it . . . a puzzle. Zapateria, with the superior strength jumps out first, but Omelet, under the leadership of Rob, manages to catch up. It’s close, but Russell’s Zapateria gets the last puzzle piece in place and wins the Immunity Challenge.

You’ve Got To Break A Few Eggs - Omelet’s Kristina has found the Hidden Immunity Idol (and a half page of Operating Instructions.) She shares the information with Francesca and her desire to use the HII to vote out Rob. Kristina even goes so far as to show the HII to Phillip in order to secure his vote.

While she’s hatching her plot, Rob has booked the famous conference room early and gathered everyone else. He wants to split the votes to force Kristina to use the HII. He has some silly rule about everyone understanding how they’re supposed to vote and then voting that way. Hah! No wonder he hasn’t won this thing.

Meanwhile, Phillip is in a “hyper state of arousal”. You’ve been warned.

New Patient Intake (AKA: Tribal Council) - The meltdowns continue. Under Jiffy’s laser-like probing, Phillip is cast as the leader and Kristina is called out for wanting to vote out Rob. Inexplicably, Phillip throws Kristina and Fransequa, Fransesa, Fransqueska, San Francisco under the bus. He blames his mispronunciation of her name on ‘dry mouth’, but “I’ve been getting treatment for that.” So it appears that there’s not only a hardware store with Craftsman tools in the area, but also a Pharmacy. Wait a minute . . . is this Survivor or Cityville?

Votes are cast and Francesca is sent to Recycle Island. She leaves with a cheerful, “Bye you guys. Don’t trust Phillip.” That’s a better parting thought than Jerry Springer ever laid on his audience.

Next week on Survivor:
Rooster out-crazies Russell. Phillip catches crabs and Francesca duels it out on Recycle Island.

* The Nickname Rule is in effect. There are no “Superhero nickname” exemptions.

Mark "I'm not responsible when their meds run out" Burnett

ETF: syntax and meaning