LAST EDITED ON 07-08-04 AT 12:24 PM (EST)

Edited to add: OFFICIAL SUMMARY! I am such a doofus...

Double, Double, Twists and Trouble.

Day One

So this is how Stockholm Syndrome feels. Julie Chen, Stepford Newscaster Extraordinaire is spread across my 36 inch television like Heidi Ho trolling for chocolate. And I? Am so happy to see her, because this can only mean that Big Brother—my secret passion, my dirty little compulsion—is on the air again!

Soon, very soon, possibly within the next 10 minutes I will hate Julie and everyone involved in this show. They will offend my senses, my human decency. My very soul will be put in peril and I will curse this wretched addiction to BB and the hours I will blow away just watching the drivel. But not yet. Because maybe this summer, it will be different. Maybe this summer the show will shine and I will like the contestants. Maybe this summer I will love the winner, and even be able to stomach Julie. (Stockholm Syndrome is a very hopeful place.)

As the show begins, we see our new crop of contestants receive the “good” news that they have been selected for BB5. Most are shown at their job or doing something that represents who they are in some way. Marvin the Mortician receives his Big Brother House Key in a room full of caskets. Jase is holding his hose (the one that came with the fire-truck, not the other one).

There is a ditzy blonde called Holly who speaks, but her voice is too high pitched for human comprehension—I have no idea what she says. I check my notes. Over on the CBS website Holly has said she wants to win “for all blondekind.” Okay. Whatever.

Some dweeby-looking cowboy guy named Michael is shown being all sincere-like while he says “My heart is as big as my belt-buckle!” His chest is not as big as his belt buckle.

Diane serves drinks. Karen paints portraits. Drew (rhymes with ‘screw’, heh-heh) is very cute. He is oh-so very cute! This is all anyone needs to know about Drew. Will is cute too. He’s a boy nurse and he is packing a Speedo. My notes say he plans to slide smoothly under the radar while eating raccoon testicles. Where do they find these people?.

Already, I’m starting to lose interest. Let’s get straight to the House, shall we?

Julie “Who Needs Talent When Les Luvs You” Chen stands before the camera. And? She is wearing body glitter again. Lots of it. She is also wearing a sporty white track & field style outfit that must be her tribute to the Athens Olympics. The tank top is banded with twists of irridescent beads that loop across her breasts making them look even smaller,—and lumpy to boot. Why oh why does CBS let her dress herself? This woman needs a fashion intervention if ever anyone did.

And the body glitter! Don’t get me started on the body glitter. Okay, never mind. Too late. Have you ever noticed how she has more glitter on the sides of her neck and her upper chest? I have it on good authority that what we think is body glitter is actually a powdered silica product called ‘Heads Up!’ that can be rubbed onto your hands to give them better grip. See when Mr. Moonves uses Julie’s ears for handles he always slathers on the silica gripper.

Okay. I think I’m over my little case of Stockholm Syndrome now. Back on the BB set, Julie is babbling on about Twists. Big Twists. Astonishing Twists! Unexpected Twists. Twisty twists. The first Twist is called “Project Do Not Assume”, or “Project DNA” for short. (I start compiling a list of other things DNA could stand for—like “Dimwitted Network Asswipes”, and “Depraved Nymphomaniac Anchorwoman”—stuff like that.)

I suppose you expect me to summarize the show now? Mostly, I just want to make fun of Julie—but I’ll try to do both. Okay?

The BB5 contestants file onto the set, each clutching one small bag of clothing. So far they have not been allowed to speak to each other. There are 13 people from 13 states. It must have been a big night at Belly’s Bar when the CBS casting crew went trolling for good-looking people with no common sense and a willingness to crap on camera.

The House Guests all look at each other nervously but mutely. Jennifer has purple hair. Scott has a little hairy thing hanging under his lower lip. He also has a little hairy thing hanging about two feet lower down, but I guess that’s no big deal. I don’t think I’ve mentioned Lori (a Lisa look-alike who Marvin thinks is “hotter than lava”), Adria or Diane yet, but they’re there too.

Julie “I Can Watch the Secret Toilet Cam and You Can’t” Chen sends the Hamsters into the BB Hamster House in three separate groups. They have 90 seconds (or something like that) to select a bed.

The first group in is Adria, Lori, Michael and Jase. They get the nice room, with blue sky and white clouds painted on the walls, ceiling and floor. They each get a single bed.

The next group is Jennifer, Holly, Scott, Marvin and Drew. As they rush in Jennifer notices that the house has an aquarium with sharks in it. Bedroom number two contains two double beds. Jennifer picks one bed (“We have to share, guys!”) and Drew picks another. Ditzy blonde Holly immediately throws her bag onto cutey Drew’s bed. Scott throws his bag down by Jennifer’s then turns his back on her and hugs the cute Holly leaving Jennifer just standing there like a wallflower.

Marvin, in keeping with his brilliant strategic plan decides to ‘take one for the team’ and chooses the fold-a-way cot in the hall. Actually, he peeks into the 3rd bedroom before settling on the cot and notices it contains 4 narrow concrete slabs. As a mortician, Marvin knows what happens to bodies left on concrete slabs. He will not be sleeping in there!

Diane, Karen, Will and Mike are the last hamsters to enter the house, so they get stuck with the concrete slab beds. And a mortician sleeping just outside their door.

CBS, ever the thoughtful and enabling host, immediately tries to get everyone drunk. Yes—champagne corks fly as the happy hamsters gather in the living room and begin to learn stuff about each other, like “What’s your name?”

Michael announces “We’re going to go in circles” which kind of sums up the next five minutes of the show and maybe even the entire remaining three months of BB. Anyway, they settle into a big circle and start talking. As they talk CBS shows us a bunch of Diary Room clips where each hamster tells what they really think of the others.

In the living room, Scott claims to be a ‘professional athlete’. Mike reveals that while he is in the BB house his two sons are being cared for by their “two mothers”. This brings lots of laughter and congratulatory high-fives. I guess the resident hotties are amazed that a guy who looks so ordinary has actually found two women willing to have sex with him!

Drew and Diane reveal that they each have a twin. Adria (who we know is also a twin) sits there mutely. Remember this, folks. It’s gonna be important in a Twisty kind of way.

Jennifer, she of the purple haze hair, announces that she prefers to be called Nokomis and this is very important to her. Nokomis means ‘daughter of the moon’ and she was a character in Longfellow’s Hiawatha poem or something like that. Nokomis is also the name of a lake in Minneapolis that had a very cool (if unofficial) nude beach back in the 80s. That has nothing to do with this show but is merely a fond memory of mine.

The Food Competition

Back to Julie “I Dressed in the Dark” Chen. Julie blathers some more about Project DNA (Depraved Nameless Armpit? Dogmatic Nitwitted Adulterers?) then sends the hamsters into the BB backyard for their first Food Competition, and WOW! CBS has spared no expense on this baby! The backyard is totally occupied with a giant, multicolored replica of a DNA molecule! It sparkles and glitters and rotates on an axis.

Julie “Kiss My Glittery Ass You Losers” Chen calls it a Food Chain. Holly, speaking in the Diary Room, amazes me by correctly identifying it as “a giant molecule-y thing. Like a Science project gone mad.” Ding-ding! Give the ditzy blonde three points for using a multi-syllabic word!

The object of the Food Chain Game is to crawl around on the rotating double helix, grope your balls, and gather as many yellow ones as you can in 75 seconds. Each yellow ball has a food item named on it. Fall and you’re out. Take more than 75 seconds and Julie grabs your balls away. It’s quite simple, really. And so much fun that CBS shows us every single second of every friggin’ hamster’s journey. Fascinating television? Newp.

Michael goes first, Marvin goes last and the others go in between while Julie yells out the time at random intervals. Yes, it was that exciting. Everybody gets some balls but Holly, who times out. Jennifer gets balled the most which is new thing for her. Marvin gets only two balls which is all a guy really needs anyway if you ask me.

Julie never takes her eyes from the monitor as the hamsters climb around playing with their balls. She stands there in perfect profile, revealing the huge battery pack stuck down the back of her pants and barely covered by her glittery tank top. It makes her look kind of humpy-backed. I wonder if Les has tricked her out with an ass-cam. You know, so he can enjoy looking at her ass anytime he wants. It’s just a thought. A bad thought—but a thought nonetheless.

The silly hamsters all think the game is over as one-by-one they pull their balls out of their pants and drop them into a big glass bowl. They will, as Michael says in the Diary Room, be able to “eat like Kings and Queens.” They have filet mignon, pizza, chicken, prune juice (even Royalty gets constipated now & then ya know), eggs, rice, beer, lobster tails and more!

Oh! Wait! When Lori tosses the ‘lobster tails’ ball into the dish Julie “I Suck Like a Sewer Rat” Chen tells her to take the ball out and open it. Inside the ball is the key to a small box. Inside the box is $10,000 dollars! Lori boggles when Julie tells her the money is all hers!

Wait again! That would be too easy, wouldn’t it? There’s a catch.

“Do. Not. Assume.” Julie reminds Lori. (Devoted Numb-nut Aliens? Disheveled Narcoleptic Actuaries?) The money is hers only if she is willing to make all the houseguests including herself eat pb&j for the rest of the week. And if she decides not to take the money? Then the next person in line gets the same choice, and so on and so on until all 13 hamsters have refused the offer or until someone takes the money. The hamsters look at each other distrustfully.

Julie tells Lori she can’t discuss her decision with the others. Does this stop Lori from discussing it? No. Several people tell her to take it. She asks the group “So everyone thinks it’s okay if I take it?” Many say yes, the rest are silent. Lori takes the money because really—what else can she do?

Immediately we jump to the diary room where everyone predicts that Lori will be the first to go based on her selfish act of condemning them all the eat pb&j for a week. Even though they told her to. Marvin, who is “212 lbs of solid steel and sex appeal” (his words) expects to look like Whitney Houston “before it’s all over.” In her L.A. home, Whitney vomits and switches off the TV.

Who’s The Gay Guy?

For some reason, guessing who is the token Gay Guy is now such a cliché of Reality TV that it gets its own segment. Everyone knows there’s one Gay Guy. Not two. ‘Cause if there were two they might do something gay and sexual right there, live, on your TV screen! But one Gay Guy is safe material.

Who’s the Gay Guy? Come on, this isn’t hard. Who’s the good looking boy nurse who packed a Speedo? Bingo! It’s Will.

Amazingly, Lori is the one to guess Will. That makes two things she’s won in the very first day of the show! $10,000 and the I-Guessed-The-Gay-Guy challenge. Wow! This girl is a serious challenge threat. They should vote her off immediately.

Day Two

By Day Two, some alliances are forming. Will & Lori have bonded. Mike and Marvin are up early and talking out on the patio. Scott, Drew, Jase and Michael decide on the Bare-Chested Men’s Alliance. This includes the three hot guys and Michael because you always need a throw-away guy. Diane horns in while they are talking, and they include her just to be polite. Diane tells them that ‘Nic’ (Nokomis, or Jennifer—whatever) should be the first to go because—well, look at her! Who will miss her!

After Diane wanders off, Scott refers to the four guys as “the Knights of the Round Table” and they share a fist-to-fist salute.

Meanwhile, down by the pool, Will tells Lori and Karen that he is worried about the Alpha Male Contingent. Besides being the Token Gay Guy, Will is the Stupid Hat Guy—another Reality TV cliché. He wears his baseball cap backwards and sideways, which really looks stupid. He also has a straw brimmed hat he wears now and then. The dreaded knit skull cap will come out soon, I’m sure.

Wait! It’s Julie again!

Julie “Les is ‘More’ If You Know What I Mean” Chen is wearing a grown-up outfit on Day Two. Not only that—but she is glitter free. I guess her date with Moonves is after taping this time.

Julie starts blabbing about DNA again, and actually reveals the Twist. Well, one of the Twists, anyway. Here’s the deal: two contestants are related by blood, but have no idea there is a biological connection between them. Which two are they? Michael is the half brother of Jennifer. Wow! I mean—Holy Wow-Wow! I pause live TV while I digest this strange turn of events.

On my paused TV, Julie continues… “Les actually wet his pants with delight when this bit of information surfaced during the interview process. We had the best sex we’ve ever had that night. Whips, handcuffs—nothing is too hard core for my Les when he can smell a ratings score!” I unpause.

“Jennifer has known her father her whole life. Michael has never met him. Let’s learn more about this story.”

Excuse me. I have to leave summary mode for a moment…

(CBS? This is Swami talking to you. YOU SUCK! See I have no problem with signing up people for this silly show, and manipulating the heck out of them for a fast buck. They are adults (sort of) who know what they are doing (sort of)—so let ‘em come and do your damnedest! It’s a game and they know how it’s played. But this? Is beyond the pale.

These are nice people here. Michael and Nokomis are nice, decent people and you are fvcking with their core identity for my entertainment? I don’t think so! I will not say another negative word about either of these two. They deserve better than to be fodder for this stupid show and idiots like me.)

Okay. I’m returning to summary mode now, and ready once again to bash Julie—who has the best legs ever humped by both Les Moonves and his dog. At the same time, actually.

Michael and Nokomis, in interviews done before they were invited to the BB house, reveal their story using family photos as props. Michael speaks of the difficulties he had growing up in a single parent home, and some of the conflicts he felt about his absent father. Jennifer talks about how proud she is of her father.

CBS puts Michael & Jennifer on a split screen as they both say “I was born in Houston” in perfect harmony—it’s almost eery. They look so much alike!

Reacting to obvious off-screen questions/suggestions, Michael reveals that he always wanted a little sister to take care of. Nokomis says she would kind of like to have a big brother.

Back in the studio, Julie “Will Give Head for Work” Chen milks the situation for all it’s worth. “When will they find out?” she asks. “How will they react? Project DNA has just begun.” (Despirate Nosebleeding Adolescents?) And stay tuned to hear about a second shocking twist.”

After commercial, we are shown a whole bunch of conversations of Michael & Nokomis talking in the BB House. Michael has never met his father—but he knows his name. When Nokomis reveals her last name, and then her father’s first & middle names, Michael guesses the truth. What I find so precious in all this is that Michael is so careful with Nokomis. In spite of his powerful emotions, in spite of being visibly shaken, even when he learns that his father has clearly said no other family exists—he takes just the right tone with Nokomis. It’s called Class. Something Michael has and Big Brother doesn’t. I just hope he can keep it in this fvcked up twisted show.

Michael decides to not reveal their biological bond to the others just then. He came on the show to win some much-needed money for his fiancé and her son, who he calls “my son”, and he still wants to succeed for them.

HoH Competition

And we go to our first Head of Household competition! Julie “I Haven’t Left the BB Compound Since Last Season Because I Have Nowhere Else To Go” Chen is still on the set. She explains the HoH perks. They can’t be evicted; they have a private bedroom; they decide which two people to nominate for eviction.

For HoH, the hamsters are asked to split into teams of two. Will volunteers to be The Cheese and stand alone. Yeah—I suppose I should name all the pairs but that’s too much like work. I hate work. That’s why they invented the Internet. So I wouldn’t have to. Work, that is.

The hamster teams change into matching tank tops and march out into the backyard for some exercise. Forced exercise. There are six treadmills lined up in a neat row. Julie calls them the “Treadmills of Terror!” which is plainly stupid. They’re from Sears, for Pete’s sake. Behind the treadmills is a pit of warm snot. Who knows how much time it took for Julie to fill that baby up!

Each team must pick one walker and one talker. There will be Stupid Questions, one to represent each houseguest. The talker has to answer the Stupid Questions correctly or else Julie turns up the speed of their teammate’s treadmill. (See? These people really are hamsters! And Julie controls their lives.) If you stop walking or fall into the warm snot, you’re out.

Because I am a compulsive and thorough summary writer, I will regurgitate Julie’s Stupid Questions here. They are in a simple, repetitive format so that Julie won’t get confused as she reads the cue cards. Feel free to skip this part.

1. Would you assume that Jennifer is a natural blonde?
Answer – Yes. Holly, Jase & Marvin get it right.

2. Would you assume that Michael flunked a class in High School?
Answer – No. Jase and Jennifer get it right. Michael say “Come on guys!” (Do I really look that stupid?)

3. Would you assume that Karen has never voted for president?
Answer – Yes. Jase and Holly get it right.

4. Would you assume that Mike likes Romantic Comedies?
Answer – Yes. Jase, Holly and Lori get it right.

5. Would you assume that Jase’s funniest nickname is ‘Hollywood’.
Answer – Yes. Why that’s a funny nickname I have no idea. By now, almost everyone but is jogging but Jase’s partner Scott. Jase is an Ace at Stupid Questions.

6. Would you assume that Diane wants to take a Karaoke machine into the BB house?
Answer – No. Holly and Jase get it right.

7. Would you assume that Marvin is a soap opera fan?
Answer – Yes. Even Marvin gets this one wrong. Jase? He gets it right, of course. Adria and Michael are starting to suck air. They’ve been running for quite a while now

8. Would you assume that Drew is afraid of clowns?
Answer – No. Finally! Drew gets a question right! Obviously, Drew has never met our Clown. Julie “Where’s My Cue Card?” Chen tells us that Drew is afraid of sharks, not clowns. Pfft. Sharks are afraid of our Clown! At this point Adria falls into the snot and is eaten by sharks.

9. Would you assume that Scott is a Hillary Duff fan?
Answer – Yes. Hillary is buff and female, is she not? Jase and Lori get it right.

10. Would you assume that one of Adria’s favorite foods is Sushi?
Answer – No. Raw fish makes her physically ill. Mike falls off the treadmill, taking out Jennifer.

11. Would you assume that Holly’s choice of creature comforts if stranded on a desert island would be a monkey, a goat and a Chihuahua?
Answer – Yes. ). Holly? Gets her own question wrong. Diane goes splat into the warm snot. I try to make a joke out of Holly’s answer, but it is late and my mind is blank. Let’s see, a monkey, a goat and a Chihuahua walk into a bar… Or, how many dumb blondes does it take to… oh crap. I have totally lost it.

12. Would you assume that Lori is happiest when she is meditating?
Answer – No. Lori is the only one to get this right. See, Lori is super-duper skinny. She is happiest when she is eating! She eats every other Tuesday, unless she is feeling fat that week.

At this point the Head of Household competition becomes an endurance contest. Michael, who has been running full-tilt boogie since question number five, thanks to Drew being a clueless idiot, is the first finalist to go splat. For some stupid reason, Julie decides to chat with Karen as she struggles to outlast Scott. Karen wipes out. Yay—this stupid contest is finally over! Is anyone still reading?

Wait! Crap!! It’s not over! Who is HoH—Scott or his partner Jase? The HoH will be determined by—drumroll please—another Stupid Question! This is Summary Writer Hell I tell ya. Summary. Writer. Hell.

Will pulls a question out of his ass. Well, not really. The question is hidden under the cushion his ass is resting on. He pulls the question from under his cushion. Scott is offered first chance at answering, since he did “the work”, but he passes in favor of good ol’ Jase.

Question: Would you assume that my (Will’s) dream job is to own a high-end restaurant in South Africa? The answer is ‘no’. Jase gets it right, of course. He’s our Ace, remember? Will’s dream job is to run a south African medical clinic.

The good news? No more Stupid Questions.
The bad news? More Stupid Julie.

Julie “I Can Twist Cherry Stems With My Tongue” Chen starts blathering about Twists again. Big Twists. Astonishing Twists. Unexpected Twists. Twisty Twists. After six years of increasingly popular reality TV shows, CBS (in its infinite wisdom) has determined that the viewing audience loves a Twist. The new Network plan is to load up Big Brother with Twists and more Twists—at least two per show! Twists are the new Holy Grail of television. This? Is probably the end of good Reality TV.

Julie “I Need New Kneepads, Les” Chen speaks: “Project Do Not Assume is well underway. Michael has pieced the puzzle together, but Jennifer has no idea of the connection. When will he reveal his family secret?”

And more Stupid Julie: “Now, another shocking Twist. One of our 13 house guests has an identical twin that is also playing the BB game. Their resemblance is remarkable—even their family can’t tell them apart. Both twins will take turns living in the house and will compete as one. Will they be able to fool the other house guests? And how will they pull it off?”

Oh, shoot me now. I can’t take any more Twists. Or just twist my neck. Wait! I have a better idea! Runs to her television set and twists a seldom used knob –

OFF