LAST EDITED ON 10-04-10 AT 01:43 PM (EST)

Hello, is this thing still on? (*tap tap tap*)

Once upon a time, you couldn’t swing a dead cat in this forum without hitting someone who wanted to write a summary for Survivor. Now, you can, like the Arizona Diamondbacks, swing away without fear of any reprisals from the SPCA.

Are you like me, wondering in disbelief why we’re still watching this train wreck after 10 years? Back in the day, we used to see actual, you know, applicants and not mactors looking to double their imdb entries. We used to see sharks being caught and eaten, rather than jumped. We used to see ex-Cowboys make fools of themselves, completely out of their element—ok, some things never change.

We’ve lost many things here at RTVW over the years: quite a few friends, a lesser number of enemies, the keys to my ’87 Civic, and most of my marbles. So, seeing as how we also seem to have lost a boatload of readers as well, I hope you’ll forgive me if I tell some (ok, many….ok, all) jokes purely for my own amusement. I know self-amusement leads to blindness, but I don’t give two hooeys who might be running for Senator from Delaware firmly planted agin such behavior. This is ‘Mer’ca, after all; I does what I likes, my precious.

So, here we go, beginning (as Landru used to say) with the previouslying…

As we all know, this season is the Ageist Survivor. Cocoon vs. the Breakfast Club. Cougars vs. Cheetah Girls. Grumpy Old Men vs. the Brat Pack. Our tribes are LaFlor and Espada, which is Spanish for the Flower and the Sword. Um, yeah. And next season, on Subliminal Survivor, the tribes will be El Phallus and La G-spot.

The Geezers have fallen under the spell of Jimmy J, listening to his bromides with rapt attention. In fact, he’s so quick with the maxims that we’re going to start a new feature in this summary: $#*! my Coach says. But as an homage to the original, we’re going to do it Twitter style, complete with the hashtag:

“This games all about motivation. Now whar’s mah hair gel.” #Shitmycoachsays

MartyMachiavelli (we’ll just call him “MM” for short), however, is not a follower of #Shitmycoachsays. He’d rather retweet #ShitRussholeHantzsays. True to form, he finds an immunity idol with the help of some woman (honestly, can you keep them all straight anymore?) whose defining characteristic on the show so far is that she’s Not Marty. Really, though—who figures out the clue and then tells someone else to go get the idol? Jeebus. Anyway, after some digging, they found the thing. Well, good on ya. Russhole would be proud.

At the challenge, the Geezers won HOH by using their Golden Power of Veto as they Fast Forward to the mat to avoid Philimination. Is it just me, or are all these shows starting to look alike?

The Brats went to tribal council, where for the second week in a row we were treated to an entertaining round of “Why Can’t They Just STFU?” In the midst of ShaqBFF’s diarrhea-of-the-mouth, we found out that he suspected Sash of being more gay before 10am than most people are all day. We also found out that 1) he’s a moron; 2) he’s a complete and total moron, and 3) he such an OMG, what a complete effing moron, he makes tribemate Fabio look like Arvid Engen. Buh bye. Go back to the bayou where the men are men and the alligators are nervous.

Thus endeth the Previouslying.

Back at camp, the Brats are One Big Happy, sharin’ the love, peace and joy. Na’Onka, who seems to be auditioning for a lifetime position on Keith Olberman’s Worst Person in the World, is having none of that, though, calling the whole thing “Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake.” I guess she knows from Fake. And we oh-de-oh-de-oh-day-DAH into the credits.

Show me the Monkey!

At Day 7, the Geezers are having trouble finding fruit. With this season’s Fruit-Spotting Expert having just been voted off, they decide to follow the sound of the howler monkeys and try their hand (or voice) at a mating call. Coach will show them the way, wontcha Coach.

“Hoo. Hoo, hoo, HOOOOO, hoo, hoo. Terry Bradshaw.” #Shitmycoachsays

Yve, who seems to be looking for her Ydam, is inspired by Coach doing his Dr. Doolittle thang. She doesn’t know that he learned to speak Monkey after years of working with Jerry Jones. MM wants Coach to walk across the lagoon before he becomes a believer. NotMarty calms him down, telling him he should just whip it out and show everyone in camp. … Of course, she’s talking about the idol—we know where your minds were, you dirty birdies. But it does raise (heh, heh) an obvious point: there are some things that you just aren’t supposed to show in pubic, er public. It’s just not done. There’s a reason why the operative word here is “Hidden.”

Cut to La Flor. Jud Spicoli learns a valuable Survivor lesson: that you don’t get the right kind of buzz inhaling a campfire. Far out, dood. He tries to discuss his strategery in a confessionalism, but gets distracted by a hermit crab on his foot. Probably sensed the presence of a higher intelligence. He wants to be kept around not because he’s funny but because of his mentality. Which is sort of like RussHole wanting to be kept around for his sensitive, interpersonal skills. For once I agree with Na’Cl; we’re all shedding IQ points just watching him.

Back at Espada, MM does indeed whip it out (still talking about the idol) and displays it, to much applause. Jimmy T, aka Uncle Leo from Seinfeld with long hair, has an orgasm. So does NotMarty, who in her universe thinks that MM’s feel-good moment is all about her. Tyrone, our James v.2.0 in this incarnation, thinks MM may have won some integrity points, but MM reminds us that the idol can only belong to one person: Russhole.

After a commercial, we’re back with Jane (who just needs a pipe to pass for Mammy Yokum) and her laundry service. (Or maybe that was the commercial?) Dan, as it turns out, is a Pakled. He’s broken. He needs to look for things to make him go. Then he will be strong. (Did anyone get that without looking it up? Be honest, now.) His strategy for the rest of the game consists of not having some crazy-azzed bitchez bury his shoes. Which would be a great strategy, if only he still had some shoes for the crazy-azzed bitchez in his tribe not to bury.

zOMG! The Brats are having, like a group hug, yanno? Poor Alina and LameKelly—they haven’t been invited to sit at the cool kids’ lunch table. NotLameKelly (who’s called Kelly Purple because evidently Kelly S is too hard to remember) has to remind herself of who’s in her alliance, so she ticks them off her fingers—good thing there are only five of them. Na’Omarosa continues her Olberman audition, railing against LameKelly: “How dare you continue to exist, beyotch.” She evidently knows that Alina and LameKelly’s alliance doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

I know that was bad. I’d promise to stop, except I can’t. But I am in therapy. Honestly.

On to the Challenge. Didn’t there used to be two of these things per episode? Another thing lost from the Days of Survivor Yore. Evidently, the tribes are supposed to roll out the barrels and then play Cornhole, except without the hole part. Which is probably wise, there already being an overabundance of ‘holes on this show anyway. The Brats decide not to use GoldenPowerofFastForward, so we’re going to play this challenge straight up, or neat, or without rocks, depending on your local lingo.

Coach helps them strategize:

“Ok, we’re gonna put a Tampa 2 on them barrels; everyone make sure you cover your man, and for Jeebus’ sake, make sure you wrap up your tackles. And no turnovers.” #Shitmycoachsays

And they’re off. Jeff breaks from his long tradition of participial commentary to note that Dan needs to do something. At least he hasn’t broken from his long tradition of pointing out the obvious. And Jeff, he is doing something: he’s looking for things. Things that make him go.

Well, we all could have predicted the ending, right? The Geezers ride James2.0’s coattails for a 6-3 lead, but it’s only a tease. Cornhole is a college-kids’ game, only one step removed from BeerPong (which I’m surprised they haven’t co-opted for a challenge at least once in 21 seasons. How ‘bout it, producers?). Naturally the Brats will have this one going away, with Wally Cleaver (you know, the dood with some silly portmanteau of a name) playing point. The only really entertaining part of the segment comes when Uncle Leo does his John Fogerty impression and pathetically begs Coach to put him in. Geezers lose.

Dispicable You.

In addition to the immunity idol (which is a replica of what the Travelocity gnome looked like in 16th-Century Spain), the Brats win Fruit. LameKelly and Nay’Honky spot a clue amongst the food, and suddenly we have a Fruitbasket upset. Now normally, girls wrestling on survivor in the midst of a food fight are one of the few things that make this show very entertaining, especially to folks like Dweeze and Nailbone, but this didn’t involve peanut butter or mud or pixilation or anything. And it’s also so not hot when one of the combatants is the Worst Person in the World. Seriously, you don’t have to audition anymore. You got the part. With interest.

I have to go on a tangent here to say that normally, I’d have the back of a fellow teacher, but Nay’Honky is so despicable, I’m embarrassed to even be in the same profession. I can just see her PE class: “What’s that? Muscular dystrophy? Nuh, uh--get yo lazy azz OUT of that wheelchair and run me some laps, afore I knock you back into last bell. Oh, you one a Jerry’s kids? I don’t think so. You Nay’Honky’s kid now. So move yo po azz.”

N’O defends her actions by stating that the clue is a lifeline. See, it’s not just me. Even she can’t keep track of which show she’s on. Next, she’ll want to phone a friend.

She then launches into an explanation of how she got hood, but she don’t got goetta. Mmmmmm. Goetta. And she got clue, but she don’t got a clue. So she enlists help from Brenda and their two minds have trouble figuring out in two clues (one of them easier) what NotMarty got in one. I’m starting to understand now why N’O teaches P.E. Yeah, I’m positive that Alina is shaking like a leaf on a tree when pitted against these Einsteins.

Let the Whining Begin

The Geezers have a post-mortem on the challenge. Uncle Leo, like everyone else, seems to have trouble playing under the radar. Instead of letting the loss fall squarely on James2.0’s shoulders, he insists on calling attention to himself. He thinks they’re squelching him because he’s an obvious leader. Yeah, way to show your leadership by whining about being allowed to play in the challenge. That’s not being a leader, that’s being an annoying little brother. Go back to the five and dime, Jimmy T.

Others chime in, and Coach does his best to listen to everyone’s whining. But we know what he’s thinking:

“See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of a shit. That's why I look interested.” #shitmycoachsays

(Ok, that was actually stolen borrowed from the original. I’m running outta material here. Work with me.)

James2.0, after making it all about him, says it’s not really about him. Seriously, can’t anyone one this show just STFU? MM is looking forward to tribal council after all these fireworks. I’m looking forward to tribal council because I’m about to stick a spork in my eye.

Dumb and Dumber

We begin this segment with Coach giving MM some pointers on how to win this game:

“Keep the tribe strong, win a challenge or two, then win an individual immunity or two.” #shitmycoachsays

Well thanks, Captain Obvious. (tYco, in honor of Poho.) So glad you came along to help us out there.

MM and NotMarty discuss the pecking order among Coach, CrazyHolly, and Dan the Pakled. MM wants Coach because he might be dangerous after a merge and NotMarty is all “whatever.” Are you kidding me? 21 seasons into this thing and they still don’t know how to play this game? You think about the merge during the tribal phase of the game and your azzes will be fried. The sad thing is that NotMarty even realizes this, but she’s all happy to have MM play the puppetmaster. Morons. *sigh*

Danny must have found something to make him go, because he now asserts in his delusional way that he is strong. Uh, yeah and I’m the pope. (Hah, hah, I keed. We all know, as MM confirms, that Coach is really the pope).

Mammy Yokum (whom I actually kinda like, she being the only really sane person in this asylum) reassures CrazyHolly that those voices she hears are not indeed real. She (Mammy Yokem, I mean, not Crazy Holly, who's now nuttier than a date palm) would like to vote out Danny and keep Coach, her fishing buddy. Yve reassures Coach that he’s her favorite pope here. Naturally, given this show’s penchant for irony, we know by now that Coach is toast.

“Uh, oh. I’m toast.” #shitmycoachsays

MM wants James2.0’s support, and he commits the #1 dumbest move in Survivor (after not voting out your weakest competitors during the tribal phase): when asked to make a vote, he says “well, I don’t know, there are other possibilities…” Dood. DOOD! When you say that on this show, YOU become the other possibility. Dumbass. In the words of Spicoli from last week, can we PLEASE vote now and put me out of my misery?

Tribal council

We’ll just let the transcript take over from here.

Jeff: I gotta be honest with you. Y’all suck. You’ll wake up tomorrow, and you’ll still suck.

Uncle Leo: Oh please, let me be the leader. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease. I know I can do it next time. Huh, can I? can I? Please?? Pretty Please?

NotMarty: I’d offer a comment here, but I have to check with MM first.

“I give 110%. I’ll take it one challenge at a time. I’ll teach a man to fish so he can become a fisherman. I got a million coaching clichés, if you’ll just keep me around long enough to use them.” #shitmycoachsays

CrazyHolly: Is this real life? The voices are telling me to hide knives in everyone’s abdomens again.

Uncle Leo: Coach, why don’t you like me? Is it because you’re intimidated by my leadership skills when I tag along? Is it, is it, huh, huh?

James2.0: I want what he’s smoking.

NotMarty: Ok, MM gave me permission to note that we’re going up against young guns. We have to keep it strong.

Dan: I am strong. I have found something to make me go. You’ll see.

Jeff: Right. Well then who are the weaker players?

Everyone: Not Me.

“I guess you can just call me ‘Not Me,’ then.” #shitmycoachsays

MM: I’ve actually written a dissertation on Survivor Strategy, and here’s what everyone (meaning me) ought to be thinking at this point.

Jeff: Seriously. Goth is right. Can absolutely NO ONE just STFU already? Do you have to verbalize every thought you have? Don’t you morons realize that giving away your strategy at this point in the game is probably one of the dumbest things you could do? Enough of this carnage. Go vote out Coach and get this over with.

Uncle Leo (voting for Coach): Yay! I’ll get my own room, now! Heh, heh.

Jeff: Well, Coach. Be sure to say hi to Curt, Howie, Terry, and the boys for us. Now buh bye. As for the rest of you, you have some big shoes to fill. And I don’t mean with sand, CrazyHolly. Now head back to camp.

Next week, the Survivors are paid a visit from Hurricane Na’Willyw’Onka.

Coach’s final words:
“Aw man, I was hoping I’d last longer on this show. Cuz I know all about making things longer, ifyaknowhutimean.” #shitmycoachsays

So there we have it. Who knows; ten years from now, we’ll be watching Survivor 41: Hackensack. Then we can see how the Russholes can survive in a true jungle. The first challenge will be hanging around Carl Paladino’s illegitimate daughter’s house with a camera and a press pass. If you’re still alive after two days, you win the million. Now that will be entertainment.

Thanks as ever for reading.

Please forgive the lateness of this summary. I didn’t watch until last Thursday night, which is when God intended for Survivor to be on. You can look it up; it’s in the Bible.

Edited: for lots and lots of typos. Chances are, there are still more out there.