I began recapping this show for Ep 3 and devised the PigBob Home Drinking Game to handle the ordeal of watching the increasingly loathsome Bob Guiney the Pig. Onscreen smooching is the cue for at-home drinking. Even somebody getting a cheek-kiss nets you a one-sip.

Tonight is no exception. In fact, I hope you bought extra. Don’t play this game anywhere but at home. Never mind drinking & driving, cut walking to a minimum. Make up a bed on the couch and find something to use as a chamber pot. Seriously, if you intend to play this game by the rules, prepare to be ‘legless’ before the second date.

The object, as always, is to not care who gets a rose until you awake and go online sometime the next afternoon. If then. As time goes by, Bob gets more loathsome, so I’m cheering for the better contestants to get tossed.

Previouslys
We get the same “innerductions” to the same 25 women, NotWhinyJenny still ready to be Jenny Guiney. Remember the Twins? I just thought I’d mention them cuz I’m getting all psyched for next week’s The Women All Kvell episode, my favorite part of the show. But I leap ahead.

PigBob went to four hometowns to see if he could fit in with families and lives. He could not. Oh, he got on well, naturally enough, with all-female families. But it was pretty sickening to watch. Mary is re-shown getting her claws into Bob at the dinner table, which I see as a bad sign. I take a sip to congratulate myself for my perception of foreshadowing!

Bob was only allowed to dump one family, er woman, last week, so out went Meredith. Goodbye scary brother, doomsday father, and mother with bad teeth and terrible sense of timing. Two men is two too many! Woo! Lucky Meredith got eliminated. Escape from the soft clutches of the Pillsbury Dough Bob. Yay!!

This week Pill D’oh goes on Overnight Fantasy Dates, staying in Overnight Fantasy Suites with his Never-Had-A-One-Night-Stand Fantasy Bachelorettes. Voice-Over Dude, the original Schmo Host, smarms that Kelly Jo gets a trip to Alaska, Estella a trip to Belize and Mary a trip to Jackson Hole. Did Mary get the short straw or what?

Who’ll be blah blah leaving blah broken hearted, tossed by Blahb? Soft squishy Blahb, with his sickening infectious laugh and his comments that like so many empty calories, add nothing to the story. If nothing else, I need Bob Nics. So, expect to see “Blahb” “Pill D’oh” and “Babble” in addition to PigBob. He rarely adds anything new, so the only way to perk up his facetime is with these new nics.

Blahb repeats the destinations and recraps himself with last week’s drivel about the struggle to figure out what he’s doing on this show. Let’s get on with the dates.

Kelly Jo in Alaska
Pill D’oh babbles he and KJ have similar family lives and similar senses of humor. Now all Pill D’oh has to figure out is how compatible they are in their relationship lives. What are “relationship lives?” He babbles because he has nothing to say. Drivel dribbles out of his mouth and into our brains. Quick, where’s my drink? Why are we still watching? Oh right, the Game. Sure-fire way to get blitzed.

KJ’s turn to DR. (“DR” is short for diary room confessional interview – it’s a space saver.) She wants to leave a lasting impression, so she’s not going to hide any emotions, except the whiny, clingy and nervous-wreck emotions. She wants another Rose. If there’s anything Bab’s not up for, it’s emotions and feelin’s. KJ wants him to be her husband. Why? Makes me wonder if there’s a sealed juvenile record somewhere.

In Alaska, Babble and KJ go on a dog-sled ride, with him taking on the appropriate role of dog musher. It’s not much of a togetherness date, but they both find idiotic reasons to giggle, sniggle and snoggle. Oh yeah, I had to coin terms for those horrific ‘laugh’ sounds he makes. The “hee hee hee” is a sniggle, for when he thinks it’s appropriate to show the lady she just said something funny. It lays foundation. The “ha hA HaHA ha hA Ha haha” is the “snoggle,” a cross between a giggle and a snort. It tells the lady she’s uproariously hysterical, having managed to make him laugh. Yeah, him, the “funny guy.” It builds on the foundation of the sniggle and indicates that PigBoy is ready for snogging.

KJ tells us something special is going on between “Bob and I.” Bab sniggles and all of a sudden they’re down on the snow, smooching for a three-sip. Way to upset the sniggle/snoggle hierarchy, Bab. Then all of a sudden there’s a helicopter to take them to the fantasy overnight accommodations, which are ‘fantasy’ as in ‘fabulous’ and not ‘fantasy’ as in ‘non-existent.’

Did you wonder if there’d be a bathing suit opportunity in Alaska? Before you can say “fantasy sniggle snoggle” KJ’s in a white bikini preparing to clamber into yet another hot tub, this time outdoors. Bab ogles, drools, then climbs in with her to prepare for a snog-a-thon. Inane comment. Sniggle. Inane comment. Snoggle. “You’re so awesomely beautiful my heart is so full.” Snog. Camera zooms around to show us different angles. Great. Now we see PigBab has a fat neck as well as a pre-pubescent face. What is wrong with Kelly Jo that she’s willing at 23 to throw her life away on this clown?

To digress a moment – this is totally how Survivor could have a cold climate season – give each tribe its own hot tub and thus a reason for folks to get semi-naked. Indeed!

All of a sudden, they’re done hot tubbing and are dressed and walking to take a tram to the top of a mountain. PigBab is all in black, and looks slim again, ready for more snoggle-worthy adventure.

KellyJo says it’s the Land o’ the Midnight Sun, because it’s still daylight at 11pm. Sure enough, it’s daylight. That’s totally awesome. Unfortunately, being told it’s 11 p.m. is nothing like being there at 11 p.m. It looks like they’re having lunch, and KJ wearing a halter salmon pink dress isn’t cementing the whole 11 p.m./evening meal concept.

Dinner conversation is light. “Don’t freak out. I’m in love with you.” His face deflates like someone took the crescent dinner rolls out of the oven too soon. She tells him he doesn’t have to respond, because she knows she wouldn’t be in love with him if she didn’t feel something back from him. Uh okay. He’s down with that. Less talk, more smooch. It begins. Goes on and on and on. 2 glasses.

Babble DRs that her telling him her feelings caught him off-guard. I don’t know about you but that’s a reach around for the Tums, the Bromo-Seltzer, the Alka-Seltzer and whatever else is in the cabinet. The hell? Off-guard? Do you buy that? How doesn’t he know that KellyJo is in love with him? Whose idea was it to have this thickie on the show? You can drop the weight but you can’t lose the stupidity, obviously.

Bab wants to tell her some things and it’s that he wants to tell her some things but sadly he still has two more “things” with two more um, er, contestants. Sniggle. But first, it’s time for sniggle, The Envelope. Forego the individual rooms. Sniggle. Use the key to stay as a couple. Sniggle. She ponders for 2 milliseconds, “Um let’s seeeeee.” Ponder. “Let’s go.” Snoggle. Ha ha hA HA hA ha ha. Bab is happy. HahA HA Ha hA haha. I’m having an extra sip.

Romantic. Amazing. Connection. Endless smooching. It’s a R.A.C.E. An amazing race around the bedrooms of America and environs. She DRs if Bab asked her to marry him, she’d say yes. The camera makes its way around the room. Whoa, I’m dizzy. The kissing goes on. And on. And on. And another two whole glasses. See what I mean about totally wasted? And it’s only the first date! He tells us Kelly Jo certainly could be the one for him. Yessiree, Bab. They retire to their “sleeping” area. The door closes.

Thinking of Bab getting hot ‘n’ heavy with any of these women is even worse than trying to imagine parents having sex. He’s so unsexy with his fat face and stupid gurgling sniggle/snoggle. Ugh. I hate him. And yet, I’m still recapping. Glutton for punishment.

Cut to previews. Yeah, yeah, Schmo Host blathers his usual crapola about what’s coming up in five minutes’ time, so take a couple sips for the smooching, if you can still find your mouth. We’re also force-fed what’s coming up in half-an-hour’s time with the three women at the Rose Ceremony. KJ’s in white, the other two in black. Wow. I mean, awesome. We can see who’s the youthful princess and who’re the old witches, just by the outfits.

I think the producers are making concessions to those of us playing the Drinking Game, cuz they know we’ll be passed out and will miss seeing them anxiously awaiting their roses in their outfits. Hey, why don’t the producers show one gal holding a rose? “Who will get the other rose? Stay awake for the amazing upcoming One Rose Ceremony.”

Mary’s Crappy Date
Off to Jackson Hole to kayak down a river and stop for a picnic lunch. Ro-man-tic or what? Babble babbles about Mary having mentioned wanting to have a family immediately issue thing concern there, dagrabbit.

Mary looks adorable in her cowboy hat, as she DRs that the whole children issue is weighing on her mind. She… oh. my. god. You know what? In her hat Mary looks like Jerri from Survivor. EEEP!

Kayaking is fun. Wyoming is at least a real trip from Florida, with a plane and everything. They laugh a lot because that’s what these people do on their “fun-filled” reality TV dating dates. Her laugh sounds a little tense; his is sniggle & snoggle.

Next it’s massage time. Mary appears in a white bikini, Bab froths at the mouth like he’s never seen any woman in a bikini ever. She looks good, but why is Bab a tool? Oh question for the ages. I’m having a sip for the conundrum.

They lay on their separate massage tables with towels placed strategically. Honeyed apricot is painted onto them with commercial house-painting brushes. The goo is then massaged into their skins. Mary is really brown. Bab hops off his table to massage her feet. Mary DRs it was wonderful, as onscreen she smiles to indicate enjoyment. I wonder if she’s actually creaming her panties. The camera doesn’t pan that far around. We don’t get the view that Bab has from her feet, although I admit to craning my neck to see if I could see anything. Oh yuck. Take a sip for me being indiscreet.

Then they're showering. Pill D’oh Bab explains what they’re doing onscreen. Serious lack of material. It’s extra horrible because he’s so dweebish and unattractive, with his pig eyes working overtime to uncross themselves and focus.

While we all indulge in a four-sip, Mary voices-over that with the honey and the apricot, she felt very tempted in the shower. She appears onscreen to say she held back. Oh way t’go, Mare. Good for you. Way.To.Go, Mary.

Time for ads. Kiss-free previews, so put that glass down. Schmo Host tells us what’s coming up and no, I’m not recapping it. He always tells us what’s coming up, and even tho’ each date is different, it’s about to happen so why should I recap it twice? And then he repeats himself about the upcoming insane Rose Ceremony only 5 commercial breaks away.

Mary & PigBab meet for dinner, she in jeans and a white top, he in something else out of his stupid suitcase full of crappy clothing. At dinner, they have a Serious Conversation. He raises the issue of having a family immediately and how he doesn’t know what his timeline is. She says nobody knows what their timeline is. Except her. She concedes you need to enjoy your spouse before bringing a baby into the relationship. So that means she’s willing to wait up to a year for a kid. Factor in 9 months to gestate and I reckon that she might allow 4 months to get to know him more before conceiving. Heh. If she isn’t pregnant already, that is. She tells him she knows she doesn’t want to wait 4 or 5 years to have kids, what with that old biological time bomb and all. She even guiltily mentions in a whisper that she’s 35 and can’t wait too long.

Bab wants Mary to ask him questions so up she steps with Serious Issues. She wrings her hands and DRs that that is what she’s doing. Then she gulps her drink and says she has the feelings she has. Whoa, bowl me over with the Issues. Oh wait, that’s just an “intro.” She wants to know if he’s been intimate with the other girls. Woo, Real Issue. Take a sip. She wouldn’t want to start a relationship with him while she’s thinking about him being intimate with other girls. Way to slap down the D’oh Boy, Mare.

Pill D’oh puts on his “serious” face and says, “Are you asking me if I’ve been intimate with the other women?” She should say, “Yes, dumdum, that’s exactly what I mean.” Instead, she backs down and allows him to wriggle out of having to answer “Yes.” Cuz it’s not a “No,” is it?

All of a sudden he’s the picture of discretion. His answer: “The moments I share with you are nobody else’s business. It’s all about the moments we share.” Oh puke-a-rama. ‘The moments we share.’ What an awful line. Shudder. Mary DRs he didn’t really answer her question, but she got the answer in his eyes. She doesn’t say. So what was that answer, that he totally got it on with KJ and he’s evading revealing anything? Load. Of. Crap. All she could have gotten from his eyes is that he’s a horny bastard and if they “share” a special “moment” tonight, he won’t blab about it to the other women. Mary & Bab have a 2-sip, but Mary looks like she realizes she doesn’t know where those other women have been and doesn’t trust their hygiene.

She should trust the horniness of Bab, and should know he’ll go for it with all three women if they’re willing.

PigBab is all for compromise and babbles a DR that they shared awesome conversation, awesome day and awesome dinner. He proposes a compromise idea,“Here’s to possibly having dessert.” Mary reads aloud the Fantasy Suite invitation. He invites her to come check out the room, share a drink and some dessert and see how things go from there. She says she’s comfortable with going to check out the room, and having dessert and a drink. She looks extremely uncomfortable.

It is a luxurious suite with lots of furniture, and pillows, a roaring fire and a lot of candles. She voices-over she felt safe and didn’t want to let him go. So she’s cool with everything they talked about. They look into each other’s eyes “meaningfully.” Quite a few moments go by with them just staring into each other’s eyes. I’m all, “come onnnn I’m parched over here.” When will the kissing start? Artful candle photography – lot of candles in there and then it starts. Lots of different angles on kissing, it’s a glass and a half. Hope you made 3 pitchers of your drink. The music is sickly sweet.

Pillsbury D’oh Babble didn’t expect to have such strong feelings. He’s just surprised by every lil thing, isn’t he? Onscreen, Mary and PDB leave camera range and while anything could have happened, probably nothing did. But who knows? Who cares? Time for ads and previews.

Estella’s Date in Belize
This date is finally an actual exotic date as promised. What could be more luxurious than a private island? Cayo Espanto is such an island off the coast of Belize. Bab says he’s already given out two roses in his mind, so now we know that he’s just snatched back one of those roses in his mind and given it to Estella aka “Jaws.”

Jaws knows they’ll have an amazing time. She was so ill the day before, but once she saw him all her stomach upset went away. Their “activity” is scuba diving in Shark Ray Alley. Whee. Lots of little sharks swim near the boat and there are stingrays shown near the ocean bottom. She laughs, he snoggles, I think they’re gonna wuss out.

But no, in they go, protected by PorkyPig’s snoggle. After snorkeling they drink and talk on a porch. He fondles her leg while saying how he’s been with stuff like seeing the other girls and so on. He DRs that her playfulness is a great quality. What playfulness? The high voice, maybe? At dinner Bab asks her how her head is and she says, “What, these jaws? I manage. Oh you mean the situation? I’ve chosen not to think about it.” She’s vacant. She squeaks she knows she really likes him a lot and has let go of any results and is letting what happens, happen. How “spiritual” of you Estella! The thing that bums her out the most is the idea of walking out the door and never seeing him again. That’s so touching.

He tells her because this was the 3rd date he made a conscious effort not to compare, but there was not a moment during their date when he thought about anyone else. He totally wants a gold star for it. He congratulates himself. Take a sip for the good pig.

Time for The Envelope. Pill D’oh Bab knows the words to the invitation by heart and to prove it says them along with Jaws. That is crass and also, dumb. Is this his not-so-subtle way of letting her know there were envelopes just like this one for Dates 1 and 2?

Estella’s Jaws ask Bob to choose. He chooses to forego staying together. Kidding. They go to the fantasy suite with fantasy silks hanging from the fantasy ceiling over the fantasy bed, and a fantasy “plunge pool” in the fantasy middle of the fantasy room. Have I painted the picture here? Candles everywhere tops up the “fantasy suite.” Candles and roses float in the plunge pool.

They’re into the pool and hot and heavy within seconds. That was a record even for PigBab, who voices-over that he thought he had his mind made up cuz the dates with Mary & Kelly Jo were so awesomely amazing. But Estella is awesome too. And there’s nothing like a little awesome nooky. Especially if she earned those jaws the “hard” way. If it was awesomely amazingly awesome, then maybe she’s in and Mary Wanna Be A Mama is out.

Video Massages and Chatting with Schmo Host
Night. Blabpad. Bab says the week has been amazing with three extremely beautiful wunnerful women. What, not “amazing” women? They’ve all opened their hearts to him and it’s been amazing. He’s gonna break up with one tonight and that won’t be quite so amazing. He doesn’t want to hurt one, but the circumstances being what they are (amazing?), he knows it will hurt one of them to break up. Oh. The sensitivity overwhelms me.

You know, if he were any more full of himself, he’d pop like a dinner roll. And that would be amazing.

Schmo Host goes off to attend to his hall monitor duties making sure no one’s cheating, talking or gum chewing. Bab stands before the video monitor, ready once again to inhale the lurrvvve.

KJ feels like the luckiest girl on earth, cuz she knows there are people who would never feel what she feels. “Waking up in your arms was so right.” Well, that tells us all about that, doesn’t it? SchmoHost escorts her in. She has on a sparkly ivory top and a white skirt (or possibly pants – you don’t honestly expect me to scan the tape for this tiny detail do you?)

Mary says she had a great time at the Hole and wants a rose so she can fall in love with his family like she’s falling in love with him. Meaning? Does she want to have babies with all the males in his family? She has on a black dress, a choker and her hair is pulled back tight. She’s going for the Spanish flamenco dancer look, but doesn’t quite pull it off. People who wear chokers get booted.

Estella’s Jaws say she had an “oh my god – amazing date. Best time of my life.” She squeaks she wants a rose so they can go back to Belize on their 35th wedding anniversary. Yeah that would be funny – he’d be 67 and she’d be 63. What a laugh riot. Back in reality, she has on a black top and black pants for this evening’s Most Excruciating Rose Ceremony Yet.

Bab tells us this is the decision on whom to take home to meet his family. It’s a tough, hard, most diffi-zzzzzzz. More ads. More spew from jerk Host.

Most Conflicted Rose Ceremony Ever
Schmo Host tells the women that they’re all in love with him. Whatever would we do without him to tell them what’s going on? Schmo Host says he just had a discussion with Bab and he understands each one is in love with him. Mary: Hey I thought Bab wasn’t going to share our intimate moments with anyone! Schmo Host tells them he’s never seen a more conflicted bachelor. Also, he’s never seen such red roses or such a sunset. He’s never seen the rain in Southern California. The thought occurs that this guy is dumb enough to be the Bachelor one of these days.

If after Bab hands out one rose, Schmo Host steps in to announce that there’s only one rose left, I’m going to stop the recap and start watching Star Trek.

Babbling Pig steps up, “None of you has done anything wrong. To be here to say goodbye is amazingly difficult. Best week, great amazing experiences with each of you. Blah blah luckiest to blah blah meet any blah blah one of you. Only two roses. Hopeful that each of you will accept.” What a dingdong. At this point, who is going to say no?

Twirling time. First rose to… twirling… glances toward KJ mean … she gets the first rose. Estella looks flummoxed. What, didn’t she know that her main competition is Bouncy Lil Miss Cheerleader, not Old TImeBomb Cheerleader?

Mary looks calm, Estella freaked out. And the second rose … he looks at Mary and because of last time I’m unsure whether it means what I think it means… but it does mean it and this time Estella gets the second rose.

Mary is unhappy. But brave. Why is Schmo Host sorry? What did he do besides show up? “Take a moment to say goodbye.” The girls kiss and hug her and flamenco music plays as Bab takes her for that Last Stroll ‘N’Sit. The Final Two give each other a stiff hug.

Bab invites Mary to sit with him, then says, “I honestly want you to know that anytime, any place, anywhere I’d want to get to know you better. But not here, not now. I don’t know my timelines, whether I’ll be ready for a family in 1 year or 5 years. Or ever It’s not fair to you. I guess it would be inappropriate to ask for a final snog?”

Mary understands and is gracious, “Two beautiful girls in there. If they love you half as much as I do, that’s a lot.” They hug and a cheek-kiss gets you your last sip. She weeps a little. Then he puts her in the limo. She has trouble speaking. “Can’t have regrets, I was honest. I thought he was it, that he was feeling the same thing but I guess not. It hurts, hurts a lot.” She can’t be mad at him because she loves him. Aww. Go look into artificial insemination, Mary.

Back in the room Bab, KJ & Jaws drink to going to Bab’s two weeks from now. Next week the rejects return to “tell all.” Don’t be fooled – there’s bound to be plenty of opportunity for getting blotto, thanks to the stock of recrap footage of PigBab snogging with every woman in the room. We’ll be comfortably numb by night’s end. If they do a montage of Bab kissing, we may have to go into rehab before the proposal is put to one of the unlucky Final 2 gals the week after. Or whenever it is. G’night. Head on back to camp.