Unofficial I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here Episode 1 Summary: They're Celebrities? Get Out!

I smell something burning. Oh yeah, it's my career.
- Michael Boatman, Celebrity Mole

At least he had a career.

Welcome almost live to the Australian rainforest. I'm Bebo, your desperate summary whore, and I know that I've just been watching a live show because there was a clock with the word LIVE in the lower left corner of the screen.

Unnamed geeky-looking host greets us with tabloid headlines:

THE CHALLENGE OF A LIFETIME
TWO WHOLE WEEKS
ONE HUNDRED WAYS TO DIE

I don't even know his name yet, but I'm hoping he'll demonstrate some of those 100 ways on himself.

WHO'S FIT FOR THE JUNGLE???

Alana Stewart: I feel like such a loser.

Now it's time for...You Write the Summary. What should the next line be?

a) If the shoe fits...
b) Could be worse - you could be watching this crap.
c) You said it, I didn't.

We finally meet our host, John Lehr. They even spell his name out on the screen, like that will make us care enough to remember him. What, Alex McCloud wasn't available?

John Lehr: Congratulations, Trista and Ryan. And Charlie...I've been there, man.

I am so not surprised.

JL: Our celebrities have only been out here one day, and one has already blown a gasket. But first, let's show you their training camp.

Some training camp - they're driven to a swanky hotel in limos. When I go to training, I'm lucky if they let me rent a midsize. The Barefoot Bushman (I am not kidding) begins the all-important lessons with words of wisdom like, "Some animals can hurt, some animals can kill." As he shows them venemous spiders and other creepies, we meet some of our human creepies, I mean, celebrities.

Alana Stewart - famous ex-wife

Bruce Jenner - He won the Olympic decathlon and got a cereal endorsement (and no, it wasn't for Little Chocolate Donuts). Go ask your mommy and daddy, they'll recognize his name.

Downtown Julie Brown - She worked for MTV when they used to show music videos. Don't bother asking mommy and daddy, because they won't recognize her name.

Julie: I can't take my own clothes. I don't know what I'll do without my wardrobe.

Tyson (don't know his last name, don't care, I just look at him fondly) - Not the stereotypical model, doesn't need the lights and the cameras, which explains why he's going to live in front of cameras for 15 days.

Cris Judd - Holds the record for staying married to J-Lo the longest. Matt Damon suspects he'll keep it, too.

Nikki (don't know her last names, don't care, since most people probably just know her as Miss November) - She was married to the guy on 90210 without talent. No, not that one, the other one. No, the other one. She says she's a princess and starts listing all of the people whom she pays to follow her around and cater to her every whim.

Nikki: But except for my agent, and my publicist, and my hairdresser, and my personal assistant, and my astrologist, and my stalker, it's just me.

Yup, definitely a princess.

After a commercial break, our host again tells us that we're LIVE in the Australian rainforest. Whoa, so that's what that LIVE down in the lower left corner of my screen means.

Let's meet more of these, ahem, celebrities.

Robin Leach: Now I'll have to look in the mirror, in front of millions of people.

Robin, that gut shows us all that you've been avoiding mirrors for quite some time.

Stuttering John: I hate heights, I hate bugs, and I won't eat maggots.

Wow, always nice to have such a cheerful, cooperative soul along. Life of the party.

Maria Conchita Alonzo: I'm a drama queen.

Melissa Rivers: I don't camp, but I've stayed in some bad hotels.

For those of us who were hoping to see strong women on a reality show, any reality show...we can just keep hoping. Not getting it here, either. These, ahem, celebrities get out of their two helicopters to join the no-longer-Barefoot Bushman on a trek to the jungle. To start the humiliation off just right, they are all wearing the same ugly outfits with obnoxious red pants.

Bush Man: Watch your feet. Watch your hands.

Wow. This man is such an inspiration. Who needs Dr. Phil?

Bruce: It looks like jungle.

Uh...

Robin is obviously struggling as they try to get to their camp. John makes things worse by suggesting that he's even an older relic than he actually is.

COMMERICAL BREAK

JL: We are LIVE in the Australian rainforest...

Me: AAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!

They all work together to get to the camp. The Bush Man leaves them, but gives them another inspirational nugget before departing...

Bush Man: Don't waste your wood.

Cris and Tyson immediately look down at their pants.

Bruce finds the "toidy". The others aren't sure what he's talking about, until Nikki translates that he's talking about the potty. Speaking of which, she's gotta go. Just because it's half built, she's ready to drop trou and go. To the disappointment of the male audience and the producers, Bruce makes sure she's discreetly screened away before she has to go. Even though Nikki wasn't concerned about dropping her pants for all to see, she's extremely upset that there's no toilet paper (or toidy paper, in Bruce's language).

Robin is bossy. Who would have guessed? Nikki giggles and calls him Papa Smurf. Are you his Smurfette?

Robin: It's time to elect a leader. I nominate Bruce.

In his confessional, Robin explains that Bruce is a good leader. If leader means someone who lets Robin boss everyone else around, then yes, Bruce is a good leader.

Our live host now explains to us that each, ahem, celebrity got to bring 2 luxury items each. Nikki chose...beauty products. While we're shown loads of footage of everyone else in camp working, we see shot after shot of Nikki primping. Folks, she had more than 2 beauty products out there, and Mr. Bebo was about to barf when she pulled out the eyelash curler.

INSTAPOLL: What were Nikki's two luxury items?
a) A compact and eyelash curlers
b) A compact and lip balm
c) The silicone implants on her chest

When we're not shown Nikki's makeup session, we're forced to watch Melissa cry and stare at Robin's buddha belly.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Did you know we're LIVE in the Australian rainforest? What tipped you off?

And guess what...it RAINS in the rainforest. Alana shows what happens when celebrity ex-wives are separated from their lawyers and therapists.

Alana:Where's the hole in this plastic thingie? How do we sleep? We have to make our own beds?

Alana then explains to Bruce why they have to boil the water. Bruce tries to explain that the water came from God. Alana tries to explain that God let it touch leaves and other stuff on its way down to them. I start praying to God to rain fire and brimstone down on this bunch and put us out of their misery.

Our geeky-boy host now explains to us that they will be eating rice and beans every day...UNLESS a, ahem, celebrity earns food in a Bush Tucker Trial.

Audience participation time!!!! We get to vote on who gets to participate in the Bush Tucker Trial. Who will have to walk into a crocodile pit? We're given the phone numbers to call and cast our votes. I immediately decide I want to vote for Nikki. She was creeped out by the grasshoppers during the cushy training, and creeped out by the bugs, let's give her something to really get creeped out by! While we're shown the numbers, we see shots of them smoking. WTF??? They are supplied with cigs? Aw, I would have loved to have seen their behavior once the nicotine cravings really kicked in. Damn.

Since it's the first night, the celebrities were given the chance to vote on the first Bush Tucker Trial, but one volunteered. Which strong, powerful male figure volunteered? Why, Melissa, of course! Apparently, Melissa wanted to do everything.

Melissa: I want to get it done so that I don't have to sit around wondering when it's my turn.

Since I'm evil, I now start dialing Melissa's number, to point out our power to make her take as many damn turns as we want. Heh heh heh.

Melissa crosses a bridge to the Bush Tucker Trial Clearing. Her trial is called Keep It In Your Pants. I immmediately think Nikki would have been a better choice for this one. Geeky host shows Melissa 10 pitchers filled with creatures. Each pitcher also has a star, each representing a meal. She has to dump all of the stuff in her pants, and she'll earn the meals for her team. But she doesn't have to dump them in her bike shorts, she gets...The Critter Pants. The game ends when she has everything in her pants, or when she says, "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here."

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Say it with me, people...We're LIVE in the Australian rainforest. Give this guy another cue card, K?

Melissa is one angry, ahem, celebrity about having to fill her pants on national TV. She quickly dumps worms, yabbies, crickets, roaches, ants, and rats into her pants to earn the 10 meals for her team. They kept biting her. That was my favorite part of the show. I know, I'm evil.

When Melissa returns to camp, she takes a Diva moment to announce her ordeal to her cohorts.

Melissa:The good news, I got 10 meals. The bad news, this show is about humiliating us.

Uh, Melissa? Haven't you seen any reality TV shows before? Why are you just figuring this out now?

Melissa:You don't humiliate someone when others' necessities are counting on them.

Of course not, you just do it when you have a microphone in your hand and are standing on a red carpet pretending that your opinion matters.

Magically, from the sky (did it come from God?), a basket of food is lowered. Alana is disappointed that it's fresh vegetables, instead of prepared meals.

JL: Did you see those roaches? Well, the Bush Tucker Trials are going to get worse. So vote for the, ahem, celebrity who will be doing the Crocodile Pit.

Mr. Bebo now urges me to vote for Nikki. We're both disappointed that we can't get through, but we try to be optimistic. She's getting lots of votes, apparently.

Guess what? We're back LIVE in the Australian rainforest. Go figure. Our host is going to venture into that dangerous venue called the camp. Crickey.

Robin decides it's time to check for ticks and leeches. He suggests pairing off. I notice he's standing near Tyson and Nikki when he says this. Hmm. Of course, the cameraman makes sure he gets a shot of Nikki's luxury items.

JL: Wouldn't the world be a better place if we all checked each other for ticks?

That's a direct quote. Sometimes these things write themselves.

Meanwhile, we have a, ahem, celebrity breakdown. Alana is crying, and the others have to reassure her. She doesn't feel well. It's wet and icky and she wants to go home to her stylist.

It's time to vote. Who gets to do the Bush Tucker Trial in the Crocodile Pit?

JL: One, ahem, celebrity could be eaten tomorrow.

Yeah, we could be so lucky. This time, I dial Alana's number. It's busy too.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

JL:We're live in the Australian rainforest, and I'm going in. But first, let's see how scary it was last night.

Nikki grabs her ass, swearing something bit her. John does a hand check and swears it wasn't him. All of the guys stare at her ass, and after a few hours, assure her that it's fine. Now for the scary part...Bruce tucks the women into their beds. As Melissa sleeps, a pasty films covers her nose and mouth...and a spider crawls over her.

JL:I'm going in LIVE.

One question...is this show live?

JL:Hi! We have a LIVE audience. Since Melissa volunteered for the first Bush Tucker Trial, we won't make her do the next one. But she can get picked for others after that, heh heh heh. Anyway, the voters on ABC.com picked who gets to do the next Bush Tucker Trial, Social Climbing.

Melissa:So, I've got immunity this time.

JL: I hate that word.

I'll bet you do, Jiffy wanna be.

Julie...it may be you.
Tyson hot bod is safe.
Nikki hot bod is safe.
John...it may be you.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

JL:Ten, ahem, celebrities LIVE in the Australian rainforest. One day in. And the next to do a Bush Tucker Trial will be...John.

John:Hey, your name's John too, so they voted for you.

JL:Nope, you get to do it.

John:Then prepare to starve.

We're now reminded AGAIN to vote for the, ahem, celebrity to do the Bush Tucker Trial in the Crocodile Pit, but the host lies and doesn't show us the numbers again. That's OK, I wrote Nikki's down.

See you tomorrow. Or maybe not. I only want to watch this thing if it's LIVE.

Royalty, shmoyalty...EVIL rules!