LAST EDITED ON 02-01-03 AT 07:53 PM (EST)

Acornholio Hall opens tonight's festivities.

"I'm so excited to be here and have another pay check in my pocket."

Do you ever wonder if Mr. Foyer is gay? If he were, I bet he'd be totally all over someone like Wesley Snipes, all 'I wanta BE you!' in a super-gay way that A...Hall pretends he's putting on but I think really he's being himself. I just figure he pretends he's into the ladies but deep down he's super-gay-man. NTTAWWT. Just quit lying. Maybe he hasn't lied, and I just missed the announcement in some week's issue of People Magazine?

Hm, where was I? The woofers are back, woofing. For a change, Mr. Foyer gets the crowd to say "Liiive." Woof! He looks smug and happy, like he's telling himself he still has "it," it being the power to get a crowd to say anything he wants them to. He does reserve the right to be the only one to say the 18-letter Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive word."

Mr Damn You Aint Funny banters with NowMe Crud and burns out the motor of my refurbished Lame-O-Meter. No whirrin' and clickin' tonight. We won't need it. You all know my feelings by now.

Assinyo tells us he was calling Ben "pimp-A-licious" Stein. That could be a shout-out to me. Studio Execs obviously were combing the Internet looking for recaps to gauge the public's view of the show, and discovered my recap in which I stated that Assinyo had called Ben "pimple-icious." As in acne. As in "ewww."

And so, just to help Assinyo out, Ben the "team player" shows up wearing his most pimp-A-licious garment: a coat made of bright red shag carpet. A disturbing image I'll have to live a lotta days to rid my brain of - chubby Ben Stein doing his version of the Sexy Wriggle to disentangle himself from that eyeball-popping rag.

This week we had two and a half guest judges. Lil Romeo on the first night and Kelly Rowland on the second. The half-judge? Lil Romeo's dad Master P. If this guy wasn't out of it, wacked on some serious downers, then I don't know what his problem was. He started out with a couple of sentences for his turn to comment and as contestant after contestant came and went, his comments diminished until by the end he was down to 3 words "Great, 4 stars."

Wickedly hysterical in retrospect. The height of lameosity at the time.

At first, this show seemed great. Okay, so at first this show was the only gig that no one else was recapping but people were claiming they'd watch.

For some reason, Star Search seems to have lost its appeal. Assinyo doesn't help. NowMe is such a ditz and overall there is generally a quality of somebody pulling strings and making the judges go all ga-ga over some mediocre performance.

Maybe it's the Jerry Springer-esque quality of Simon Cowell at American Idol because honestly, who can stomach more than one of these god-awful showcases of people who've never been told the truth? If you're watching AI, it's too much to watch Star Search as well. To make it worse, on Wednesday night the two shows are head-to-head for half an hour.

The fact that there have been talented comedians come out of Star Search is pretty much the reason I'm still here. It's like surfing. Some days you can sit out there on your board, and the ocean is as still as glass. Not a wave for miles. But you know that one of these days something worth being there for is gonna come along.

Wednesday night and our first Junior Hummingbird is 10 year old Lorelei Caylon-Sinco. She describes herself as a bookwoom who loves math. Her name has two different meanings, depending on whether you go with the Hawaiian on her dad's side (I think she said 'destruction of men') or the German on her mom's (heaven's beam). Her choice of song is "I Turn To You" apparently a hit by Christina Aguilera. I've never heard of it.

Lorelei is a lovely girl, with a sweet voice and she hits high notes without screech. Very important. The judges give her good scores along with their dumb comments.

NowMe: Your name means 'seed planted.' You're gonna blossom 4 stars
Ben: Girl sings like a dream 4
Carol - I'm knocked out. Your name means 10 year old whizz 5 stars
Lil Romeo - Big voice and she likes math, my favourite subject - 5 stars

14 year old TMarie Rodriguez either hates her first name or has parents who can't spell. Given her announcement that she has a "passion for fashion," I expected more than a poorly cut denim skirt topped with an ill-fitting brown blouse. The shoes made her outfit too casual. Her song is a piece of yuck entitled "Nobody's Supposed to Be Here". TMarie has good energy, moving around the stage well, but her voice is tinny. Not quite screechy, but working up to it. In a couple of years she will return and totally win the Adult Wobbler Category.

NowMe: Control pitch. Keep working - 3
Ben - 3 stars. You grabbed the audience but your voice was up and down.
Carol - Big future 4 stars
Master P - 4 stars. Tremendous voice. (This guy seems totally out of it, like he's on Valium or something. No wonder he had to bring his son along.)
Total 14

Lorelei should win this and after some ads which include a Survivor plug with Heidi and Rob (the Adam Sandler looking guy) telling us they are fab and everyone else is lame, we're back to get hit upside the head wit' dem digits. It's 35 to 27 for Lorelei. Woohoo.

Assinyo asks Lorelei what she thought of Bush's State of the Union address. The girl says, "Don't ask me that again." Again? DumbAssinyo.

Model Category. From Las Vegas meet Alicia Hall. Her other interest is basketball. She's 18 years old and She Is A Stunner! Wow! This girl is electric. You know me, usually I rag on this category, but this girl looks like THE winner. She is the first one of all the models who has really exuded something positive. Maybe it was just the very short black dress. She's super thin, with long long fine dark hair, and legs that go on for ever. Do I sound a little captivated? Woo Alicia!

Ben: Shizzle-dazzle (I know what he means!) 5 stars
Carol - 4 knockout. Can I borrow your legs? (Heh Carol, shoulda given her 5 stars, you idiot.)
Lil Romeo - 4 stars (ack, what does he know? He's a kid!)
NowMe - 3 stars - Shazzam (jerk)
Total 16

Next is 24 year old Tye, who is a single mother and takes her sob story over the top. As she talks about her young son she gets all tear-stained and seriously it's too obvious a ploy for the judges' sympathy. She's wearing a white top, black mini. More long legs, but something isn't there. There's no "kapow" to this lady.

Ben: electrifying but shy in the walk - 4
Carol - great look - 3
Master P - great look, cuz we are in the clothing biz 4 (what the hell does it matter that you are in the clothing biz? It's not about you. :rolleyes Where do they dredge these judges up from?)
NowMe - you need gravy - 2
Total 13

I can't see how Alicia doesn't win this round, and every round after this. Suddenly I understand what the Model category is all about. I sound like a giggly schoolgirl. America proves it knows what it's doing and the score is 31 to 26 for Alicia. The two girls hug, and they hug some more, and the hug goes on for a good long while. Woo - hot girl love on the Star Search stage. Yeah, that's what we needed to liven this up, a Soft-Porn Category

To commence tonight's Comedy Segment, P J Walsh, 30, from Brewster NY tells us he comes from a plumber's family. Mom, dad, grandpa, uncle, etc. etc. It was a good pre-video. Too bad I didn't have my laptop and have to rely on my handwritten notes. He did a bit about being a cop, and how great it would be to use the same lines on folks that they used on you. He talks of pulling his parents over "Mom, Dad, this is gonna hurt me a whole lot more than it hurts you." And so on with appropriate lines for ex-girlfriend, high school teacher. I thought it was pretty good, but I obviously don't get out enough.

Carol - not particularly original or fresh 2
Lil Romeo makes some LOM clicky diss remarks, then says he was "messin' witch oo" and awards 4 stars. Grr, this isn't the time or place for that kind of comedy.
NowMe - "goofy" 3 stars
Ben - hilariously wonderful affect and movement, jokes a bit 'anh' - 3 stars
Total 12

Dwayne Perkins is 31 and from Brooklyn. He tells us his mom had him when she was really young, so he spent a lot of time with his grandmother. I thought he was gonna do grandma jokes, but he doesn't. This is just "get to know the contestant" stuff. Anyway he did a good set, but I have no notes or memory of it. Sorry.

Carol: Easy-going, likeable presence, good jokes - 4
Master P - this guy looks funny - 5 stars (It doesn't look like it, but Master P is already sounding seriously spaced out.)
NowMe - I luv the gap between his front teeth! Smile for me so I can see it (Dwayne does) - then she says "2 stars" (grrr I hate you NowMe you are SUCH a piece of crap)
Ben - hilariously funny - 4 stars
Total 15

It's kind of close but I think Dwayne may have the edge. Mr. Foyer gets him some digits and America has agreed with me. The final score is 26 to 29 for Dwayne. Yaa boo NowMe Crud you pinhead.

Adult Warblers. Amanda Avila is 21 and rolls out her sob story of struggle. But she is bright and smiling and she sings "Love Can Move Mountains" a nice song by Celine Dion. She wears a pretty red dress, is a pretty girl, and has a sweet completely screech-free voice.

Master P: great. 4 stars
NowMe: watch over-singing. Work on your originality - 3
Ben - stage presence - 4 stars
Carol - really liked your voice - very commercial sounding - 4 stars
Total 15

Kristen McNamara is 17 and has been listening to country since she was a mite. Uh-oh. This is bad news for Amanda Fans. Country is what the Heartland has been going for. Kristen does a Martina McBride song "Whatever You Say." Her singing is good, even tho I don't like country. I know she is gonna win this round, but I still have an irrational hope for Amanda.

Lil Romeo - that was horrible, I was trying to crawl under the table. Oh I'm just kidding - 4 stars (go away kid, go far away.)
NowMe - I remember hearng Martina do that song. You covered that song well - 4 stars
Ben - loves country, but voice too blunt - 2 stars
Carol - voice has beautiful quality (apparently she likes 'blunt') 4
Total 14

Country is big, so I'm not surprised when America overturns the judges' ruling and awards Kristen the win by a score of 30 to 27.

All tonight's winners come out for that wave to the crowd and badda bing badda bam, by the magic of recapping, it's tomorrow. We back Liiiive, woof, woof, with the same old judges and a new special guest judge in the person of Kelly Rowland, who was in the original Star Search. NowMe Crud's many many achievements have been expanded once again to include "motivational speaker." I can tell you I've been motivated to expand my vocabulary to include the word "lameosity."

Assinyo attempts a complicated introductory blurbie and it gets the better of him. Actually it was a major blooper but it was just lame, not funny enough to watch my tape so I could transcribe it.

It's the second semi-final, which of course means that there won't be time or reason to recap. The three winners from the previous three episodes go head-to-head against each other to find one winner from each category to go head-to-head against the first semi-finalists in next Thursday's FINAL! Yeah, a light at the end of the tunnel. It's been a slice, but I've had about enough of amateur performances. Bring on Survivor already.

Let's get busy with the Junior Warblers. Lisa Tucker comes out in a dress that appears to have been fashioned from grey ironing board cover material. She does Whitney Houston's "Didn't We Almost Have it All?" It starts out pretty good, gets a little screechy towards the end, but the judges love her.

NowMe: extravagant amount of talent - 5
Ben: gift from god - 5
Carol: so much emotion & maturity - 4
Kelly - I wish I'd had a voice like you when I was your age. Wonderful - 4
Total 18
Why do the special guest judges always feel the need to make their comments about themselves? Then again, why should they be different from the regular panel, who routinely make their comments about themselves too?

Kailey Ervin performs "Break It To Me Gently" and even though I dislike country, I have to give this girl her due - she's got a lovely voice, reminding me of Patsy Cline.

NowMe: come to Nashville, I can personally recommend an agent, an accountant, a personal trainer, a manicurist, a masseuse, a recording engineer 4 stars (only 4??? With that list of people NowMe wants to refer to the girl, I thought a 5 for sure)
Ben: oversinging quite a bit - 3
Carol: I disagree (wow there's a first. Usually she's nodding and following Ben wherever he goes) country star! - 5
Kelly: it looks so natural for you - wonderful (almost everyone is 'wonderful' in Kelly's view) - 4
Total 16

Loreilei Caylon-Sinco performs Celine Dion's "That's the Way It Is". Her voice is kind of all over the place, she sounds like she's straining for those notes. There are moments when a lovely quality comes through and it is hidden again behind the cloud of tinny. My notes say I thought Kailey should win this.

NowMe: 4 stars
Ben: Tough competition 4
Carol: You were great yesterday, today a new level - 5
Kelly: 4 stars. I know you'll be a big star. Wonderful.

Commercials, and yet another version of the Survivor ad makes its appearance. Can any reality show get away without having Survivor hawked in the ads?

The digits are in and we're hit wit' 'em and Lisa Tucker is the winner by a close margin of 32 for her to 31 for each of the other two.

Modelling Category. Candace the New Barbie comes out with a happy smile, a flowery bathing suit top and a big red handkerchief for a bathing suit bottom. She flounces to and fro and takes a standing position. But she has a piece of her hair in her mouth! I thought there'd be stars off for that. But the Judges go nuts and give her 5 each for a perfect score of 20.

Joanna the Polish cutie has a similar style of bathing suit just in a different shade of red. She gets 4's from the regular panel ("finger lookin good", "knockout" and "spark to spare" - can you guess who said what?) and a 5 + "wonderful" from Kelly.

Alicia Hall, the girl I thought would win the whole shebang, is a little nervous tonight. Her suit is more or less of a similar cut to the other girls, but in a pale pink colour. She still has knock-out legs, lovely long hair, but... she gets a 3 from NowMe and 4's from the rest ("best legs on the face of the Earth" says Ben). Stupid Kelly wants her hair, while stupid Carol still wants her legs. The judges have never expressed such covetousnous towards other models - so why this girl who didn't even get the best marks?

After the station i.d., the digits smack us in the face and Candace the New Barbie comes away the winner with 35 over 31 for Joanna and 27 for Alicia. Oh well, there goes my interest in the Modelling Category.

Comedy Section. Ben Bailey does another s-l-o-w piece about ignoring orders from your brain. His stuff is the kind of stuff you hope & pray will be funny, because something has to make the long long long trip to the punch line be worth it. He gets 4's from Carol and Kelly and 3's from Ben & NowMe, who adds that Ben is "growing on her". Recall that she gave him a 1 last time, so he's made up some ground. I don't see how this batch of jokes helped his cause, but NowMe is an idiot so who knows?

John Roy does another batch of I'm not a Racist You're not a Racist jokes, and makes one funny joke about people saying "that's so gay" for the dumbest things. Like, "you didn't finish your fries, that's so gay." That was funny, but the racist stuff got old half-way through his first set last week. The judges handed out stars with alacrity. 5's from Carol and Kelly and 4's from NowMe and Ben.

Dwayne does a whole set about his cousin getting his degree in jail, being top of his jail class and making the warden's list. When he got out he pulled a bank job so he could go back and get his master's. Ha! but Eww. It was funny in a black humour kind of way. Ben and Kelly gave him 5's, Carol said 4 but NowMe gave a 2.

After the break, the digits smack us upside the head. It was a lame group of comics, but somebody gots to win. John Roy is the winner by a score of 33 to 29 for Dwayne and 26 for Ben Bailey.

Adult Singers.
Jake Simpson comes out and does Marvin Gaye's "What's Going On." It was 'okay' but I was going ho-hum by the end. Lame even. Boy, was I surprised to see the judges go totally nuts, each giving him a 5 for a perfect score of 20. I wish I were kidding. No way was he that good.

Rebecca Valadez did a great job (I thought) with "Midnight Train to Georgia" the old Gladys Knight song. She gets 4's from everyone except NowMe who gives a 5. I didn't even note down their comments, but I think everyone was hurrying at the urging of Assinyo cuz "we short on time."

Kristen McNamara the C&W gal, does Faith Hill's "Cry" but doesn't feel the same judicial love that she felt last night. She gets 4's from everyone except NowMe, who gives her a 3.

After the break, the digits slap & tickle us and America figured the judges knew what they were doing. Jake is through to the finals by a score of 35 to Rebecca's 32 and Kristen's 28.

All the way through the show Assinyo was hurrying everyone along - "we gots us a lot to do and not enough time." So imagine my surprise when we get to the end and he's doing some lame Lame LAME blather, weak-as-piss jokes and filler fiddle-faddle garbage chit-chat. Bleck and Blech.

Next week is the Grand Final when over a half a million worth of cash prizes and contracts and stuff get handed out.

I'm looking forward to seeing Loni Love, the really talented comedienne who got to the finals in the first semiiis. The most talented junior warblers are already eliminated to make it easier to award the grand kiddy prize to the most needy one who is in - remember Tiffany, the child who pulled herself and her siblings up by the shoestrings their parents wove for them out of weeds that grew by the side of their trailer park door?

The prettiest model was deemed too nervous and was tossed in favour of New Barbie.

As for the adult singers, we have two young men who seem a little gay, but not much. I guess that country is kind of full up right now, and pretty girls who sing country just aren't needed. So we have a guy who sang Billy Joel and another who sang Marvin Gaye to compete for Adult Singer.

Something to write home about.
Not. But I'll be here to cover it, just to help the Studio Execs out.