LAST EDITED ON 01-22-03 AT 07:21 PM (EST)

Here's a real quick recap. As in, very quickly put together. Just like this show, I bet. Edited because it's been Improved. Now contains 25% more jokes.

A set of introductory "previouslys" brings us up to speed: we are supposedly at the home of the Maloneys, with Mom & Dad Maloney in the process of finding a girl for son Daniel (maybe even a bride, or perhaps just someone willing to lay with Monkey Boy long enough for him to lose his virginity. Given that he looks over 21, it's about time, right?)

The show began on another night (which I didn't see, so please don't send messages asking for Part 1) with a much larger group of girls. Tonight's episode of "Meet My Monkey Folks" begins with a quiz to test the intelligence of the 5 who remain. It's one of those Jokey Quizzes, except not.

Wink Martindale from Tic Tac Dough is here! Woo! (rolleyes) He administers the test that proves America is wasting its money on public education. These girls would have been better served by home-schooling by a high school dropout who was "interested" in general world affairs. Most of the girls get at least one of the answers wrong.

How many states are there? Some think 52.
When was the war of 1812? I missed whether anyone got this one wrong but dollars to donuts, one probably did.
What is the first letter in pneumonia - one girl wrote "a"
No. of days in a typical year? There were wrong answers along the lines of 348 or 368.
The Miami Vice show was set primarily in which state - California was one answer
Name two faces on Mt. Rushmore - they focused mainly on Stefanie, one girl who got it right.

Stefanie & Tawny finish in a tie, and to win a date with The Son who bears more than a passing resemblance to Neanderthal Man. They are going to spend the date in the backyard, probably because it's easier to find Junior if he wanders away. The tie-break question is "How many miles from here to Times Sq. in New York?"

Stefanie says 3000, Tawny says 25,000. The correct answer is 2879. Tawny's answer is the correct one if the question were what is the distance from Earth to the Moon.

The minute the quiz is done, the fax machine starts up. Shannon tells us she hates the fax machine - perhaps she has a reason to fear it? Foreshadow, foreSHADOW, FOReshADOW.

The note says, Dear Mom & Dad - Stef has volunteered her time to work for Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Phew. So little b!tch Chelsea has a bitchy moment to whine. She wishes a nice thing had been conveyed about all of them. If they can, Chelsea, only if they can.

Jim Maloney, the Dad, gets the girls to come have some more fun in a room. It looks like it will be a celebration, but no it's more of a surprise party, and not a good surprise. Who are these guys? Ex-boyfriends of the five girls.

The girls are instructed that they are not to say anything, unless Mom or Dad ask them. The exes are here to supply dirt to the extent possible. Each girl takes a turn to sit in front of the group with her ex, as he tells his tale of woe at the hands of the little bi!ch beside him.

Stefanie's ex-fiance says she called the police on him and he spent a full day in jail.

Dominick is Shannon's ex. He says she is completely monopolising of you, and has trust issues. She hacked into his computer or his bank's computer (or something!) to learn how he spends his money. She confronted him one day about whether he enjoyed the "strawberries and milk" he'd bought the night before. Mom says it sounds like Shannon has a problem.

Tawny's ex Matt says she is a nightmare. She left something at his house and he hands over her handcuffs. Daniel says he hopes she'll use them on him. The boyfriend answers Mom & Dad that it was fun (playing with Tawny and the handcuffs).

Ryan is Chelsea's ex, and he says she is really into her image. (So which of these little tramps ISN'T?) She'll go to bars and lead guys on so that they will buy her drinks. She'd go out with guys who were better for her image even though she didn't really like them.

Lisa introduces Sam as her "really good friend." He doesn't bite. He goes, "Yeah we dated." She's a bit of a homewrecker. She's got a nice new sports car, after they bought her a house. (They? Who is "they"?)

The Son says he doesn't want to end up with a psycho or a liar so it looks to me like this whole batch is out.

A present for Mom arrives - flowers. Card is from the producers, telling Mom & Dad they have 15 minutes to eliminate one of the girls. They are to give the flowers to the eliminatee. She is to be accompanied by her ex to her room to pack.

Son and Folks get to have a private confab. He tells them he wants to keep Chelsea. Tawny is also okay doing her thing. Having put in his two bits, Son leaves and Folks discuss amongst themselves. Let's take a moment to notice how these Folks look. Dad looks like a dad, with a grey, perhaps even white, beard. He is medium build, slim, nice-looking older guy. Looks like he'll make some gal a good grandpa for her kids.

Mom looks like a total b!tch. She's a little overweight, not fat or obese, but lumpy. She sure doesn't dress like someone who has a lot of money. The house they allegedly live in is one of those villa-type places. Lots of rooms, lots of interesting creature comforts like hot tubs, a backyard swimming pool, big grounds. I know that Dad is named Jim, but I never do hear Mom's name. (turns out it's Julie - what a waste of a pretty name.)

"Easy decision," says Dad to us. Earlier in the game it was harder, not knowing so much about the girls. But this particular decision was much easier. But he tells the girls that it was a hard decision.

Dad tells Shannon she is going and gives her the flowers. She gets hugs from the other girls and goes off to collect her bags, which she apparently already packed. She's crying and saying she felt betrayed. She thought she could trust her ex to be honest, but he wasn't. She leaves bawling. The ex is saying "i'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." He looks like a major wimp - what did he think, his little manoeuver would make her want HIM back? Still, good riddance to her. She tells us she doesn't think she's a bad person. Some ludicrous song is playing as she finally leaves.

Stefanie gets to go on the date with Daniel. Under the watchful eye of the ever-present camera (perhaps it's a hidden camera, because these two sure act like they don't know they're being filmed), they proceed to frolic in the back yard swimming pool. In-ground swimming pool.

Another fax comes. Mom and Dad are in bed, and Mom says she could care less about what the fax has to say.

Meanwhile Stef & Dan are getting hot & heavy in the hot tub.

My dear husband comes into the room. He cracks me up with comments. He can't believe I'm furiously typing up this piece of crap. Glancing at the frolicking young'uns, Mr. AMAI says, "Couldn't he get a date?"

Next morning, here comes Mom to wake the girls up by clanging two garden hoes together. How appropriate - two hos. "Time to do some work." She ushers them out to the garden to work digging in the herb & vegetable gardens.

Mr. AMAI: "You gotta be kidding - this is a show?! Give me the remote! Wash my clothes, you hos! Just give me five minutes of science fiction, please. If this is reality, f@ck."

I insist that we already had 2 hours of Seinfeld earlier in the evening at his request (not that I didn't watch happily). The girls are soon rolling around in the mud.

Mr. AMAI: "None of them are good enough for her son."

Where is the son at this point? Probably sleeping off the date with Stef.

After a chance to see all the girls, Mr. AMAI thinks one of them is actually 40.

Time for another "No Pressure" date. Mr. AMAI: Yeah, no pressure. Just you and him. And her and her and her and Mom and Dad and the camera crews."

The girls and Dan are all in a hot tub somewhere, but I think it's not in the house. They think they've snuck away from the prying eyes of the Folks. No fax no doorbells. It's a group date and they're all enjoying exploring each other's bodies. Dan is kissing each girl in turn.

Meanwhile the Folks are in a limo outside, watching on closed circuit tv the antics of their horny son with the 4 girls arranged around him, running their hands up and down his body.

Mom looks like she's regretting doing this show (are these really the parents of this kid, or am I being naive?)

"Dan Maloney the All Night Pony," says one girl. They've been drinking wine, and they start to play spin the bottle. Camera shows us that the Folks are still watching all this. Perverts! Dad looks like he's really enjoying the show.

More kissing. Stefanie asks Chelsea who she would kiss other than Dan, and after a moment expressing obligatory shock, Chelsea answers "Lisa." Then Dan takes the two brunettes (Lisa & Chelsea, I think) into the pool, while Stef and Tawny (anyway, the two blondes) remain beside the hot tub, having a long, long, long kiss. Dan and the two girls with him watch, in various levels of enjoyment and amazement.

The Folks are stunned. Mom says watching the lesbian-ish antics makes her ill. The Folks have had enough, and proceed out of the limo and into the hot tub room, to break up the party.

As they walk in, they miss seeing Son making out with each of the girls, in turn.

Mom comes in and says, "now we're gettin' some action". There were surprised expressions on their faces, says Dad.

The Son looks like a monkey man, says Mr. AMAI.

All the girls are gone, Son is standing all alone in the tub, scratching his head, looking perplexed. "Wha happened?" Yeah, he really does look like a monkey.

Stef & Lisa are put into the limo, and the driver tells them he's taking them to take a lie detector test. The driver looks kinda scary in a perverted way, and those girls look petrified.

They're all back at the house. Mom & Dad are in the room as Lisa is brought in for her turn in the lie detector chair. The car driver is actually the guy who will administer the test. He hooks Lisa up and instructs her not to move or it will disrupt the machine. The Folks are to take turns putting questions to the two girls who are to get lie detector tests today.

Mom: Have you ever cried in front of a man to get something you wanted?
Lisa: No.
Test Guy makes a 'thumbs down' motion to indicate she's lying.
Dad - Are you attracted to my son?
Lisa: Yes.
Thumbs up.
Dad - Do you think you're the prettiest girl here?
Lisa: No.
Thumbs up.
Dad - Did you convince an older man to give you a car just because you knew he was attracted to you?
Lisa: No.
Thumbs down
Dad - Do you like me
Lisa: Yes I do
Thumbs up
Mom: Did you once get so drunk that you almost passed out while escorting a group of Asian visitors?
Lisa: No.
Thumbs down
Dad: Did you ever date a married man? (What do you think - wishful thinking here?)
Lisa: No.
Thumbs down

We're done says Dad. Now it's Stefanie's turn. Mr. Amai notes that she's a bit drunk. Plus both girls are still wet from the swim, so they're chilled and shivering. "Can we change this?"

Dad: Would you like to be my daughter in law?
Stefanie: No? (took her a moment to answer, but she decides to be honest, although she made it sound like a question)
Thumbs up
Dad: Have I bored you this week?
Stef: No.
Thumbs down
Mom: Have you ever used your training in psychology to manipulate us?
Stef: Yes.
Thumbs up
Mom: Have you ever used sex to get something you want?
Stef: Yes.
Thumbs up
Dad - have you lied to my wife & me this week?
Stef: No.
Thumbs down
Mom - ever cleaned a man's apartment in your bikini
Stef: No. (I think she may have done the cleaning in the nude, so technically she wasn't wearing anything. It would account for her hesitation and for the answer registering as a lie.)
Thumbs down
Mom: Stefanie, are you sexually attracted to other women?
Stef: This is hard. Can I have a time-out for a second. This is so stressful.

We go to commercial. Mr. AMAI says he doesn't get how they're doing this test. I'm explaining the lie detector test, but all Mr. AMAI really wants to know is, "Can I change it? Can I change it now?"

Stefanie's so panicked. Test guy said she was reluctant to answer some of the questions. She says there wasn't one specific trigger, but I think that it was that question about being attracted to women. However, they start again, beginning with the previously unanswered question.

Stefanie says, Yes, she is attracted sexually to women.
Thumbs up from test guy. No lie.
Mom: Would you have had sex with my son this week just to win a trip to Europe?
Stefanie: Yes.
Thumbs up

Mom is rubbing her head. That's it. Stefanie's questions are done.

Now the Folks sit down with Dan to discuss. Dan tells them he wants to keep Lisa, and wouldn't mind if they ditched Stefanie. Again, Son leaves Folks to make the final decision.

Mom says it's not that she didn't want to let any of them go. I think it's that she wants to let all of them go. Mom and Dad are looking at their notes, saying "this girl" is someone Son thinks he's attracted to, but that he'll get tired of her when he sees 'the real her'. We don't yet know which one they're talking about. Could be any of them.

Stef tells us that she knew she got emotional, but also knew she'd been honest.

Mom tells the girls she's enjoyed meeting them all. Then they drop the bomb. They've decided to boot out Lisa. Sweet little Lisa, out she goes. Dan looks pole-axed, although he kind of looks like that all the time. Dan tells us he's upset with the Folks, because he specifically told them he wanted to get to know Lisa better.

No sooner is Lisa gone, but the fax machine rings again. Everyone jumps. Oh my, now what? The message reads:

"To be continued."