Official Big Brother Week 2 Summary: X2 – X’s Uninvited

* Bebo walks into the BigBrotherBites.com Diary Room *

Bebo: I cannot believe what just happened. Someone who shall remain nameless…SherpaDave…is getting way too full of himself. He thinks he’s such hot stuff because all of us women drool over his eyes, and he won the Head of Summary competition. But then he puts me up on the block for Week 2. Says I’m doing him a favor. Yeah, he said that when I got assigned a non-elimination week on The Amazing Race. And then I get assigned the boring Survivor episodes. And let’s not even talk about I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. He may think we have an alliance, but he better watch his back should he get ousted from Head of Summaries. After all, I’m EVIL.

Previously on Big Brother 4…

Trish wrote a great summary about this, so why should I bother?

And now…blah blah blah…brak brak brak…yadda yadda yadda…tonight…one of these houseguests will leave.

What? Evictions are supposed to take place on Wednesday night. Am I going to actually get an interesting week? Will I have to take back all of the mean rumors I’ve been spreading about Sherps? I’ll keep spreading them, just in case.

SherpaDave has a cheese fetish.

HAMSTERS REACT TO NOMINATIONS

First, we’re treated to a “dramatic” replay of the nomination. I know it’s dramatic, because it’s in black and white, slow motion, and fuzzy. In CBS lingo, dramatic equates to cheap.

Now we get to hear the hamsters talk about the nominations…

Amanda: I knew it was going to happen.

Jee: Mumble mumble mumble.

Scott: Nathan nominated Amanda because she wouldn’t sleep with him.

Jack: I wouldn’t have said what Nathan said about not trusting Amanda. I would have thought about it, but since I’m a trained investigator, I wouldn’t have told. I mean, I didn’t tell anyone about J. Edgar Hoover and the push-up bras, so why would I talk about this? Um…could we destroy that last piece of tape, please? We used to do that all of the time in the FBI.

Robert: I loved watching Erika sweat.

Erika cries. Basically, that’s all she knows how to do. Jun sat with Amanda and acted sympathetic, even though she wasn’t. It’s kinda like me saying I like Jun, which I don’t.

Scott tells Amanda that he loves her, even though she hates him. Given how Scott talked to his love Amanda in the last episode, I understand the hatred part. Jee mumbles something to Justin about being worried about the ifs and buts. He obviously remembers Colby’s speech from Survivor 2 about what would happen if ifs and buts were candy and nuts, and Jee doesn’t want to end up sleeping with Colby’s mother in an SUV.

FYI, Sherps wears women’s underwear.

HAMSTER BEAUTY SCHOOL DROPOUTS

Scott convinces Jee that he’s a hairdresser, so Jee lets him cut his hair. Jee obviously has forgotten Rule #1: Never trust a guy who wears a cap all the time to cut your hair. Big surprise, it looks like crap.

So the next Big Brother Supercuts stylist to attack Jee’s head is Aliwhore, who shaves the sides of his head quite badly. At this point, Jee really looks like crap, and his ex smartly comments that he should just shave his head. He asks Amanda to shave his head, obviously forgetting Rule #2: Never give your ex-girlfriend input on your hairstyle. When Amanda becomes the third person to ruin Jee’s hair, he requests the Razor Dude save him. So David the Razor Dude gives him an army cut.

David: I basically butchered him.

Jee: I like it.

Jun: He looks like he just got off the boat.

Speaking of hair, Sherps just claims to be bald so he can get pity cybersex.

HAMSTERS FIGHT AMONGST THEMSELVES

How many people thought the Elite 8 would get through the first week unscathed.? Anyone? Really?

First, we have a Pot Meet Kettle moment when Scott sings the ManTroll song about Dana and says she’s not stable. Jun, who loves stability and wants everyone to sit around singing Kum Ba Ya all day, makes sure that Dana knows that Scott not only has been calling her a ManTroll, but he’s also called her a bitch. Dana vows that if she wins the next HOH competition, he’s gone.

Speaking of gone, Sherps is a kleptomaniac.

INSIDE THE HAMSTER FBI

Erika and Jack are the first ones up in the morning. Erika is OCD and decides that the house needs to be cleaned. She also decides that she has to clean in her bikini.

INSTAPOLL!
This one is for the men in the crowd. You are alone in a room with a bikini-clad Pilates instructor who is determined to clean the house. Do you…
a) Show her you’re a modern male by offering to clean while she relaxes.
b) Show her you’re a modern male by offering to help her clean.
c) Show her you’re a typical modern male and just sit there, refer to her as the maid, and enjoy the show.

For those of you scoring at home, Jack chose option c. After all, Jack is a busy man. He single-handedly put the writing staff out of business by supplying all of the captions for the other hamsters.

Nathan…his best asset
Erika…Smooth Operator
David…Mental Ass Kicker
Jun…Liability
Michelle…Eye Candy
Dana…Double Agent
Aliwhore…Daddy’s Girl
Scott…Strong Personality
Justin…Primary Threat
Julie Chen…Waste of Space

SherpaDave’s caption? Crybaby.

HAMSTERS HOOKED ON PHONICS

Nathan calls the hamsters together to practice his reading lesson. It’s time for the Power of Veto competition.

Nathan: Thiyus seezin, evry vido is goldin, meanin’ ye kin vido yersef so ye kint git viktid.

Fortunately folks, I am fluent in Southern. He was trying to tell the other hamsters that every veto is a Golden Veto this year. Somewhere, Marcellus bangs his head against a wall in agony.

Pssst…Guess who doesn’t really have green eyes?

ME, MYSELF, AND AMANDA

I feel like I’m watching a bad episode of Maury. Oh, I’m sorry, that’s redundant, isn’t it? Scott wants a second chance with Amanada. He keeps telling her that he loves her, and he says, “I have a pile of you that I just put in the closet.” Amanda shows a moment of sanity when she admits that she’s done with him. Oh, she is definitely too smart to stay in the house.

Sherps keeps dead bodies in his closet.

Next we’re treated to a Calvin Klein ad – oops, it’s just Aliwhore doing her confessional.

INSTAPOLL!
Why do I refer to her as Aliwhore?
a) Because she’s all over Nathan
b) Because she’s not pleased when Michelle tries to be all over Nathan
c) Because she said during Truth or Dare that she would sleep with her ex one more time, why not?
d) Because she is doing all of this while she has a boyfriend at home
e) Because she cried and cried and cried about how all of this would hurt her boyfriend back home while she tries to hump the leg of anyone who makes eye contact
f) Do I really need to give you more reasons? Come on, people!

Nathan decides to practice reading again. Good boy. It’s time to play for the Power of Veto, so let’s play “Feeling Knotty”. The first one to get untied enough to impale their symbol on the pole will win. Jun screeches that Scott is touching his knot. He doesn’t even act embarrassed, which is what most men do when caught touching their knots. After some dramatic music plays, we watch Dana just barely beat Nathan to the pole. David laments, “I got beat by a chick.” Hmm, which chick actually paid attention to him with Nathan around?

Back in the HOH room, Aliwhore says she’s just flirting with Nathan for the money. She endures his sniffing her, even though he’s probably not weekend or long-term material. I wonder what constitutes long-term with her – my bet is probably in the 4-5 day range.

After the girls make themselves horny talking about the guys and chopping down the other girls (and each other, during DR confessionals), Dana begins lobbying to take Jee off the block and put Scott up instead. After a ménage a cuatro in the HOH room, Nathan talks to Jack and Erika.

I may be mixing languages, but Sherps wets the bed.

ON A VERY SPECIAL BIG BROTHER

Scott gets depressed and goes to bed. He’s shown complaining about being trapped. “I’m a human being, I’m not a circus animal.” The BB4 producers make that the next America’s Choice question, leaving it up to the audience to decide whether Scott is, in fact a human being or a circus animal. While the others cower in other rooms, there is thumping in the main room, as the mature, stable one in the group is throwing chairs. He’s ordered to the DR but taunts them, telling the producers to come and get him, and saying how many it would take to get him. BB producers being loading elephant guns with huge tranquilizer darts, just in case. Erika and Jack try to talk to him outside, but he keeps picking up chess pieces and imitating Sosa (without the corking).

Amanda tries to reason with him, but as all women know, there is no way to reason with an ex. He has mixed emotions, seeing her took him out of his game, and it doesn’t mean anything anymore. Since she’s leaving anyway, she tries to talk some sense into him.

Anyone think that would happen? Really?

Scott calls a meeting to apologize. Nathan expresses concern and tells him that some of them feel threatened. When Jun, the diplomat, decides to stick her nose out there, Scott tells her, “I’m not going to stick my head up your ass.” The BB producers decide that if he’s not going to willing to take one for the team, he’ll have to be benched. After he goes into the DR, the hamsters are told he’s not coming back.

If only the same could be said of Julie Chen…

8 scheming houseguests
How could this show get mean?
Just bring 5 of their exes in
Then we’re up to 13.

13 scheming houseguests
Which one is first to go?
When Scott freaks out, he’s booted off,
There’s 12 left on the show.

Oh…and Sherps isn’t really a bedwetter. Much.

DAMN, JULIE’S BACK

“One hard truth hovers over everyone…” Julie Chen still has no talent.

Erika’s talking to Robert about Scott. No one cares what they’re saying, because the cameraman stays focused on her cleavage, even while Robert speaks. Apparently, Erika has compassionate cleavage. Jack’s worried Dana is playing both sides and wants her to use the veto so that Justin can go on the block. Of course, she doesn’t go along with that.

Now that Scott’s out of the way, Dave hits on Amanda. Nathan gives Dave the key to the HOH room so that he can get wigged out (WTF was that thing on his head, anyway?) with Amanda. Since Amanda doesn’t have that virginity hang-up that Dave’s ex did, he’s enjoying some humpety-bumpety in the HOH room. After all, “grown-up men do grown-up things.” Then he tells Amanda, “Grandma’s gonna love this.” Why, has it been her wish for her little Davie boy to hook up with the ex-girlfriend of a psycho with a venereal disease?

Well, I can’t say I got a boring week. Maybe I need to stop spreading those rumors about Sherps. OK, that one about his eyes not really being green just wasn’t true. Sorry.

Julie makes the mistake of speaking again, and asks Amanda is anything’s changed in the house. They all laugh at Julie. All of America laughs at Julie. That’s one thing we can all agree on. She then asks the two ex’s who are currently in relationships, Jee and Aliwhore, if they want to say something to the folks at home.

Jee: I love her.

Aliwhore: I hope I’m not single. I miss him. I love him, whatever his name is. I just can’t keep all of them apart anymore.

We start to see what the hamsters think about the hamsters on the block. Brak brak brak. Then we’re treated to some time with the folks at home, Carmen and Donny. Jee has obviously learned from his past relationship mistakes. Donny wants Aliwhore to “stay away from the little smurf”. Aliwhore says that she’s just cuddling Nathan for strategy (um, so that’s what it’s called now), and “if he doesn’t understand, it wasn’t meant to be”. Please, Donny, for your sake, don’t understand.

Julie Chen wastes more of our time showing us people from the past version whose 15 minutes were over long, long ago, just like hers. Do I really care what they’ve been doing? Nope, this is the snack break for me. And did I really need to find out that Josh had been in Playgirl? I am so glad I missed that issue.

And in a surprisingly close, 9-0 vote, Amanda is evicted. They hug her goodbye, as she struggles with her bag. Important rule: if you have to lift a duffle bag, do not wear a bad top with no bra. Not only did David vote to evict her, he refused to help lift the bag. The sex must have sucked. After an excrutiatingly dull interview and farewell messages, Amanda is told she’s not on the jury and gets to hug her father and brother.

During the commercial break, they showed part of a Cupid ad before snuffing it down. Ha! Station Manager Bubba must be cringing now. I still can’t believe that here in the backwoods, BB4 passes the morality test, while Cupid gets replaced with Andy Griffith reruns. Don’t get me started again.

Now, it’s the next HOH competition. Majority rules, meaning that the hamsters have to vote like they think the majority will vote. One by one, the original 7 go down in flames. It’s the four exes left! Oooo, does this mean the next round will be exciting? Get real.

They’re running out of time, so it’s time for the tiebreaker. If I ran reality TV, I would have cut out some of the stupid crap earlier in the episode so that we could have a real competition. But they don’t ask me, do they?

What was the combined weight of the standers in the spuds food competition? When Julie detects the vacant looks on their faces, she explains that she was referring to the people who were weighed. The vacant looks remained. The producer whispers to Julie than no one is paying attention, just move along. When Justin and Jee tie, it’s time for the super-secret probation tiebreaker. How old is Amanda in days? Jee debunks the rumor about Asians being good at math when he picks 4000 days (aka less than 11 years old). Luckily for him, Justin lived down to the rumor about dumb reality jocks when he picks 80,000 days (aka over 219 years).

THERE’S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN

We’re shown the 9 votes. The only interesting thing is hearing David say he didn’t regret the vote, since he wouldn’t go against his alliance, but he did regret it “cause Jee shoulda went”. I wonder how many days old he thought Amanda was.

While Jee gets comfy in his new room, Jun says she’s going to treat him the same as before. In other words, he’ll still be treated like sh!t. She told the other women to “go into his room half-naked” because she said that would freak him out. Gee Jun, maybe it’s just the concept of seeing you half-naked that freaks him out.

Next we’re treated to the list of everything that pisses off the Mantroll. Let me give you a quick summary…she’s pissed off by EVERYTHING.

The elites want Dana nominated, and Jee has told her she’s safe. He also says his promise doesn’t mean sh!t. Then the hamsters make fun of Southern people. Since I’m Southern, I guess that should insult me. But then again, I make fun of Southern people too. I was at least impressed that Jee quickly grasped the grammatical structure of Southern when he properly used “fixin” in a sentence.

After some gratuitous butt shots, the hamsters tell us that they’re miserable about their food situation. Dana threatens to commit suicide, but since she equates suicide with beating someone else in the head, we can all be disappointed that she won’t be successful.

Jee brings everyone together for the next food competition. He also shows that he is much better at reading in English than Nathan. The Oklahoma City School Board cringes. They split up into two teams of five, and are shown lovely casseroles. But these are school cafeteria casseroles (sorry Buggy), complete with mystery meat and vegetables. The hamsters have to take a bite, then guess. If they’re wrong, they have to take another bite. Heh heh heh. I think happy thoughts about the writer who thought this competition up. The first team to correctly identify their casseroles gets real food for the week. The losers have to eat PB&J. Lucky Jee gets to laugh at everyone and eat good food no matter what.

For those keeping score at home, the Martha Stewart concoctions were:
- Ham & cauliflower
- Venison & artichoke
- Oyster & brussels sprouts
- Liver & cactus
- Tongue & bell peppers
The red team wins, so Aliwhore, Justin, Erika, Jack, and Jun get to eat real food for the week. In case you’re wondering, Nathan and Dana are not good losers.

HAMSTER HOUSE PARTY

Robert loves himself, and that’s why the women are attracted to him – he exudes self-confidence. I thought he either clubbed them over the head or drugged them, so I appreciated the clarification.

Erika’s mopey. Most of them don’t buy it, though. Jack’s the only one that offers her sympathy. He’s no dummy – he wants to keep his bikini maid around.

YOU SAY TURTLE, I SAY SOUP

We’re now introduced to Cuff and Link, the house turtles. Or tortoises. The only thing sadder than the hamsters’ lack of zoological knowledge is the fact that we’re watching them discuss it.

David and Michelle tease each other. Michelle says he’s mean. David says grow up. I think he wants her to grow up so she’ll finally sleep with him. She then goes into the HOH room and sneaks under Jee’s covers, where he tells her he’s putting her up against Erika as a decoy.

INSTALPOLL! What happens to the decoy on Big Brother?
a) Nothing! After all, there are 4 exes left, and only 7 of the others, so they’re OK. Remember, this math is done by the same guy who thought Amanda was 11 years old and his lieutenant who thought Amanda was 219.
b) She’s toast, people. Why should her fate be different from those decoys sent out to sacrifice in prior versions?

Jee thinks she’s safe. Oh well, it’s not like she can get revenge on him if he’s wrong. David tells her he’s trying to work it so he can save her. He’ll talk with Jee to get Dana on the block instead.

Show of hands…who thinks that’s gonna happen?

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

Do I really need to spell it out? Jee nominated Erika because she makes people uncomfortable, and he nominated Michelle because she is innocent and sweet and adorable. In other words, dead meat.

Bebo, Queen of the Backwoods and your American Idol PTTE co-champ