LAST EDITED ON 09-20-03 AT 02:08 PM (EST)

"Little Bo's Peeps"

We begin with our usual sweeping view of the Mexican coastline. The aerial camera passes along the ocean, over the Isle of Lucy and up to the enclave that the frightened villagers call “Isla de las puta$ de television”. Finally we tilt up to Castle Greyskull and the opening credits / scorecard which show that Tara, Keith, Charla, Dave, Holly, Scott, Amy, Tom & Smokey and Beau are still in the game.

The episode starts with the men gathering for breakfast as Dave is trying to do some relationship patchwork. For some reason, the putty knife he’s using is the Huevos Rancheros that he has ordered especially for them. Check that—they are “Authentic” Huevos Rancheros. The thought bubble over Bo’s head reads, “‘Authentic?’ Like the ones served at the Boston Marriott’s Sunday brunch buffet?” After sniffing the huevos for the same poison that Lamy wanted to use on Keith’s fries, Tom gets in the first nasty shot of the morning, telling Dave that he should manipulate someone into being Tom’s roommate. Dave zings back that being alone in the Black Room is a power position—the same spin that Tom threw at Desperatee last week.

The girl’s table is no “My Pretty Pony” convention either. The Charbies and Hollow are having a pleasant enough time until Lamy makes her bitter and bloated entrance. It’s obvious, (to me at least) that Fox should invest in a “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” music package for all of Lamy’s walk-ons and finally get rid of any illusion that she is going to have a civil conversation with anyone.

After picking at her arm in much the same way that Pro-Zack groomed his chest, Lamy declares that, “This is too weird for me”. This leads us into a flashback where Lamy reveals that P-Ho is not her Paradise, Pro-Zack is her Paradise. Look at that, an actual lump in my throat. Now we’re going to have scouts from Hallmark prowling PH, looking for their next line of greeting cards; “The Stupid and Spiteful Shoebox Collection”. Lamy also confesses that it’s hard to pretend to be happy.

Happy or not, she seems to have no trouble plowing her way through the Paradise Hotel Grand Slam Breakfast – cereal, banana, four eggs, twelve pancakes and all the bitterness you can swallow. If, as Angelfood suggests, Lamy is “eating for two”, I’m going to be sick right now and beat the rush.

But suddenly Alejandro the waiter comes in with a drinking glass covered by one of Keith’s Magnum condoms. Taking Lamy by surprise, he grabs her by the hair and slams her face toward the latex. At the last possible moment, Lamy’s fangs flip out like switchblades and puncture the latex. As Alejandro gently strokes Lamy’s throat, we see venom gush from her fangs, filling more than half the glass. Alejandro explains to the startled guests that Miss Lamy’s venom will be used in the village to create a snakebite vacine and Miss Lamy has just saved many lives. (Maybe that just happened in my head… I’ll have to check the tape.)

After breakfast Charla and Tara find body paint by the pool and start painting each other. While not as sexy as the producers had hoped, it begs this question; is PH based on “2001: A Space Odyssey” – you just leave any old obelisk or body paint laying around and see how the native creatures interact with it?

Back in Lamy and Bo’s room, Lamy is back on her favorite rant. She’s not happy and wants a Ticket Out of Paradise. Although Bo considers punching her ticket, he is forced into consoling her. He tells her that she’s strong, Zack would want her to stay and concludes with one of the lamest speeches yet; “Because the strong Lamy I know … I don’t know where she is. You don’t even know where she is.” (Has anyone checked the store where Pro-Zack was abandoned by his mother?)

Don’t Walk Toward the Light

At lunch, Bo reads a note to the group that there will be a séance at midnight with Madame Judith. Now, I’m no expert on Mexican Psychics, but Judith has to be the least Spanish (or even otherworldly) name that I’ve ever heard. I can only guess that Jon Edwards’ price was too steep and that Mistress Cleo (the Jamaican $3.95 per minute Tarot Card Reader lady) is still in a federal prison for fraud.

In anticipation of the séance, Keith reads Tara’s palm and shows her “there’s your house, there’s your fence”. He then spits into her palm. “And there’s your pool.” Keith is spitting on her and getting laid, while Dave can’t get any action. Unbelievable. At any rate, midnight comes and me wanna go home.

Gathered around the table, Madame Judith is going to flip the tarot cards and tell everyone’s fortune. This is slightly complicated by the fact that she doesn’t speak English and Pedro will have to translate. Great. I know when I’m trying to communicate with Spirits From the Great Beyond, I want as many interpreters in the mix as possible.

Tara is told that she is going to have problems with matters of the heart. We see flashbacks of her hooking up with Bo, Alex and Keith. No problems there. So this probably refers to Lamy sticking a kitchen knife in her back and the knife affecting Tara’s heart in some way. After all, Lamy has “achieved more (misdemeanor and felony convictions) in her life than Tara ever will.”

Lamy is told that she will have a better understanding of her personal “stuff” and not “having as much depression.” Flashbacks of Lamy crying and Zack, so this prediction definitely refers to the court ordered therapy that’s in her future.

Wait, what’s this?! I just caught a flash of something in Madame Judith’s ear. Slo mo analysis reveals that it’s a wireless earpiece that says, “Property of Fox Television”. Hmmm.

Scott is promised surprises that will bring him money. Hollow is told that she will be involved with politics, which leads into a flashback of her shaking her ta-tas on the boat. Can anyone else say “Gary Hart aboard the Monkey Business II”? The next flop of the Tarot cards reveals that Madame Judith has filled an inside straight and that Keith has power and unfinished projects will get finished. Keith, bless his laser-like focus, has only one project in mind—the removal of Lamy.

Speaking of Lamy, she has been told to report back to her Finishing School to make up the table manners and courtesy classes she flunked. If that Finishing School can sand her down and give her two more coats of varnish, I think she’ll be ready.

Then Charla is told that she is on a higher level than other people and “special”. She manages to keep a poker (or “tarot”?) face during most of this, even though she completely agrees with everything the Fates are saying… through Madame Judith … through Pedro… to her. Or to put in baseball terms; a 4 – 5 – 3 double play. Tom asks to contact his dead grandfather and it’s obvious that there’s a lot of emotion there, so let’s just say that Tom gets some comfort from this. Some crying Yin to counter-balance the hard-as$ Yang he was throwing at Dave during breakfast. (Anyone else want to rent the Adult hit “Crouching Yin, Hidden Yang” or is it just me?) For some reason, they run out of quarters and the fortuneteller slumps over before Dave can have his fortune told.

Smokey’s Silly String Saloon

The next day Dave approaches Charla in their room to ask her out on a date. I know! A date! In the process Dave tells Charla that she would be beautiful even if she caught SARS, a meteor fell on her head and she did a swan dive into a pool of acid.
Her response? “Thanks, Dave.”

All I can say is that I don’t need haircuts anymore as I tear my hair out every time Dave debases himself and Charla continues to wind him tighter and tighter around her little finger. She treats him like crap and he keeps coming back for more. Dave may normally wear his heart on his sleeve, but with Charla it’s a freakin’ ankle bracelet.

The group heads over to a party hosted by Tom and Smokey. Dave and Hollow drink from the ice luge and things are looking up. But Lamy hasn’t been the center of attention for like, eight minutes, so she takes this opportunity to put on a baton twirling, cheerleading exhibition. “It’s not a cheer-ocracy. I’m the cheer-tator and you must look at me!” Despite heavy Las Vegas odds, the stick does not take a weird bounce and launch itself up her as$. Then the party takes a somber turn when a Silly String fight breaks out and Charla gets the worst of it. This leads her to say to Tara, “I guess I learned people’s true feelings about me.” No goofball, you learned that if you stand there and don’t shoot back you’re going to get creamed. As everyone’s mother used to say, “It’s all fun until someone ends up crying.”

Back at the party, Bo tries to repair his relationship with Dave by saying, “I didn’t like the person I came back as,” when the former guests were “twisted” back on and made life difficult for the Charbies. How Bo thinks he can justify his horrible behavior when the OrigiHOs dominated I don’t know, but I can tell you he has more balls than the Davis Cup. . . and that’s without Venus and Serena. Dave says he feels guilty about following the group’s wishes to boot Bo off. Phrasing it this way, Dave successfully threads the needle.

Charla telephones and over Lamy’s “whipped” sound effects, Charla tells Dave that she’s “lonely” and wants him to come to the room. Somehow … miraculously… Lamy rummages through her multiple personalities and pulls out one of the adults. She asks Dave, “Does she ever do anything for you?” BEST QUESTION OF THE NIGHT!

The rest is really too sad to detail, so let’s turn tail and summarize. Tom suggests Dave pretend to be drunk and “fall right on top of her.” He’s actually serious. Dave says goodnight to all and goes to Charla, bearing drinks. The others eventually follow Dave to his room and tease him until it goes too far.

I know I just promised to keep it short, but when the Gang approaches Dave/Charla’s room, she says, “He’s scared of you guys right now”, smiles and slides over so they can get in and torture Dave. Bo pats her on the head like the dog that she is. (When the Nazi storm troopers came for Anne Frank, Charla would have said, “She’s in the attic. Let me find that ladder for you.”) Nice girl. Hopefully Dave will see the light soon.

Charla leaves. Gang leaves. Dave calls. Charla won’t return. Dave pissed. Charla returns. Dave thinks. Charla can’t think beyond Charla. Light not reaching Dave yet.

Elimination Junction – What’s Your Function?

The men of PH get their letters telling them that the axe is going to fall, so shove your stuff in your Samsonite. Dave tries to backpedal like a bear on a unicycle regarding his fight with Charla, hoping to smooth things over before elimination. Tara and Keith speculate that Dave might get the boot. Dave worries about Charla. Charla worries that she might not have enough makeup to last ‘til the end. Bo tells Tom he doesn’t want to go home. Tom tells Bo that nobody wants to go home. God, they’re fascinating.

That night, the men and women walk out together, sharing reassuring squeezes and secret handshakes before splitting up poolside for the line up. Amanda tells the men to pick a roommate. Tom has been alone since Desperatee departed and I’m now convinced that Tom is a “plushie” and that Smokey has been violated repeatedly. Anyhow… Tom goes first and picks Charla. His reasoning is that he’s been with every human female except Charla and he wants to complete his collection. Amanda asks if there are any other reasons and he says “no”. Pretty smooth. Charla’s “Gee, thanks a lot,” seems to indicate that she’s a bit under-whelmed.

The rest of the picks go by the book. Dave picks Charla, Bo picks Lamy, Keith picks Tara and Scott picks Hollow. This leaves Charla with a decision between Tom and Dave. Since she has made an enormous time investment housebreaking Dave, she chooses him.
Charla to Tom: “Even though I’m very touched by the (non) reason you chose me, I’m gonna have to go with Dave.” Give Charla this much, she has a sense of humor.

Amanda: Is there anything else you want to say to the guys before you leave?”
Tom: “Uhhhh.” Words literally fail him, so he gives all the guys manly “street hugs”.
Amanda announces that TWO men will be checking out of Paradise and asks Tom who he thinks that the other man should be. Tom hems and haws, finally choosing Dave. Dave seems to be a little surprised, but certainly not shocked.

But the Fox “twist generator” has determined that in a back-handed spin of the ally/enemy cards, Dave is not going to be eliminated, but will instead choose someone to go home. At this point, Tom is asked to leave and he runs off with his arms up in the air. Is he hearing the “Rocky” theme in his head and heading home to Adrian / Smokey? Who knows.

Back at the Lineup, Dave talks through this choice and mentions that, “No matter what I do, people are going to be pissed and be disappointed.” After a long pause and dramatic music, Dave picks Bo. Bo tries a little last minute campaigning to guilt Dave into keeping him, even misquoting Dave, but he obviously hasn’t read the fine print. Dave reminds him that his regret was not voting out Bo, but being group-pressured into it. Bo has now been kicked to the curb twice, for those of you playing the home game, and he is pissed. He tells Dave that he is not a man of his word. Lamy is left crying as Bo gives his “hope the good people win” speech. In yet another awkward moment for Dave, he mis-times an aborted hug with Bo. Bo finally hears my screams and heads up the stairs without any of his previous heel-clicking.

Elimination – The After Party

Tara calls Dave and Keith remaining “a miracle” while Dave outlines his plan to reconnect with Hollow so that she and Scott will cover the Charbie’s backs. Moments later Dave is talking to Hollow privately when Scott walks up, listens, and finally accuses Dave of deliberating too long in making his decision. Once again, Dave is not prepared for the tough questions and gets that “hand caught in the cookie jar” look one more time. Scott shakes his head knowingly. He’s been burned by the big kids before, and he’s starting to learn how the game is played.

Lamy, jamming dessert into her face at a blistering pace while talking to Hollow, predicts that she will be going home next week. Therefore, she vows to make her next couple of days “known”. Lamy also says that she now trusts Keith more than Dave and lets out a squeak that is supposed to indicate surprise, irony, self-realization or maybe her demand for another slice of pie.

Charla does the “Lamy has been through a lot” rundown, naming Zack, Toni, Kristin, Alex, Melanie, Desiree and Bo (twice) as friends who have been eliminated. Charla also theorizes that Lamy “has what it takes to win this game.” Namely, a bus schedule and friends to push.

(Next week the episode is “SuperSized”, meaning that it’s on Tuesday, it’s two hours long and it has twice the amount of fat Lamy, salt in wounds and calories than recommended by the Food and Drug Administration.)