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"***Official Bachelor Summary, Episode 2***"
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Femme 3621 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Thong Contest Judge"

10-10-02, 02:35 PM (EST)
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"***Official Bachelor Summary, Episode 2***"
Revenge of the Whores
By Femme

Wow. Can I just say I’m the luckiest gal in the world? I’ve dreamt of a dramatic rose ceremony, but who knew the reality TV gods actually heard and answered my pleas. It was so tremendously perfect, but first, you have to suffer through the rest of my summary to get to the good stuff. Hey, it’s only fair; I had to suffer through the whole awkward, uncomfortable hour of the show to earn my reward of a stupendous finish.

We all know Aaron, our adorably-nervous and down-home hero from the backwoods. Chris, the incredibly geeky and disturbing man who asks all the wrong questions, tells the girls they’ll get a chance to get to know him better on a mass-date, which Aaron helped them to design. I say B.S. I bet it went down something like this:

Producers: Okay, Aaron, we have a racetrack date, a beach date, and a vineyards date. Any ideas of your own you’d like to throw out?
Aaron: Um, I was thinking a racetrack date, a beach date and a vineyards date. What do you think?
Producers: Perfect. Good call. That’s our boy.

Horses and Whores

Just like something out of pretty woman, Aaron takes his first dates to the racetrack. Something about a suite at the track just screams romance, eh, ladies? I kick myself for not signing up for this show. All my man does is take me out for walks on moonlit beaches, to the theater for midnight showings of old Hepburn movies, and to the park for quiet, private picnics. Man, I so wish someone would take me off to a racetrack. I’m so unlucky when it comes to romance.

Anyway, on this date are Gwen, Frances, Blonde Heather, Dana and Helene – but, really, their names aren’t important since they’re all really just the same girl with different colored hair. Gwen almost gets catty on the train ride to Del Mar when she sees Aaron pull Helene off to have some private time. But, she just doesn’t have that fighting spirit and her stock with me plummets. She could’ve gotten up and clawed the girl’s eyes out, but no, my hopes of an all-out brawl are dashed along with the girls’ pride and respectability.

Aaron tells the Stepford dates to pick a horse, and the winner gets to go on a balloon ride with him. Not-Quite-Catty Gwen wins with her horse (and I swear I had to replay the tape a billion times here as I thought they said Loose Expectation) Blue’s Expectation, I think. Being the true romantic that he is, Aaron makes Gwen high-five him and off they go. Their date looks uncomfortable and their smiles looked forced. But, screw it, they kiss anyway and it’s here we see that Aaron has been practicing his “church tongue”. After 15 warnings by the balloon pilot (are they really called pilots?) that they should hold on when he lands, Aaron takes a stab at saying something sweet and nice and his timing proves to be way off. They crash-land into a field and his awkward compliment is wasted. I laugh at the producers’ genius. Now we know why they say Aaron had a hand in creating the dates… so when Gwen gets whiplash, they can pin that part of the date on him. Whatta sucker.

At the WHINE-ery

Gawd, Aaron’s second date looked like pure torture for him. There were catty girl-fights, tears, swearing and a shot of him sucking on a tube that made him look like he was… really thirsty. I almost feel bad for him, and I even started to cry. But, that’s only because I was laughing so damn hard.

This time, he’s at Napa Valley with Erin, Suzanne, Anindita, Angela and Christi. But, really, Christi is the only one that matters, since when she’s in a room, by god, no one else is allowed to have any attention. She embarrasses herself – and more importantly, me – by rubbing, touching and clinging onto the bachelor. Can you say, “Freak-ass Stalker Chick?” Run, Aaron. Run far, far away, and ferchrissakes, don’t ever tell her your email address. You’ll be inundated with sappy cards with cute, little bunnies and cheesy electronic elevator music.

Suzanne leaves to get some air or some other silly reason (I dunno about you, but the girls who got up to run outside by themselves for no reason were either smoking, doing a line or calling their secret husbands… just a little food for thought…) Christi eyes almost roll right out of her head when Suzy leaves and Anindita calls her out for it. You go, Anindita. I didn’t think I’d like you, but right now I think you kick arse. So, in true girl fashion, someone clues Suzy in, Christi runs off to cry, someone rushes out to comfort her and things go from bad to worse in almost no time at all. I know how it works; I’ve been involved in these little dramas all my life. It’s just part of being a girl, I suppose, but I mean really, these chicks know the cameras are rolling. What the hell?

Aaron tells the girls to mix up some wine and he’ll choose the one he likes the best. He chooses Suzanne’s and off they go for a private date, but not before Christi’s eyes, a little too lubricated by all those tears, actually do finally fall out of her head and go rolling across the floor.

Aaron and Suzy, man, what a weird date. Lets just say it ends up with Aaron on his knees sucking on a long tube. In a desperate attempt to prove his masculinity, he makes out with Suzanne, all the while groping her ass and feeling her up. You know… typical first date stuff.

Then, Drama Queen Christi confronts Aaron with her woes and is rewarded for her freakish behavior by getting exactly what she was after. The bachelor is duped into kissing Stalker-Girl, and the manipulative twit thinks this is what love is. Scary, scary and more scary.

Beach Blanket Boring

I dunno about you, but this last date with Brunette Heather, Brooke, Shannon, Kyla and Hayley was so much better than the other two. They actually looked like they had fun. Go figure. I can’t trash these girls to bad, ‘cause after the last two dates, they almost look normal. Bah, actually it was just a little bit boring. I’m sure they’re all head-cases, too.

I will make fun of the scene back at the ladies’ villa after the date, but only ‘cause it involves Christi and she’s so much like a bad soap opera that you can’t NOT make fun of her. The beach girls come back and Christi, in true form wastes no time proving that it wasn’t a trick of the editing, but actually really her scary behavior that’s shining through as she starts drilling Brunette Heather with questions, digging for dirt and details, ‘cause she’s so pathetically a freak she can’t just settle down and play it cool. The reality TV gods smile on me again by providing a tense moment when little toughie Heather gets an attitude with Christi.

The Rose Affair

What a drama. Aaron has to narrow his 15 groupies down to a mere 10. Whoever will he choose? Whoever really cares, since, again, they’re really all the same pathetic girl over and over again. But, wait, what’s this? Is that Anindita standing up? What’s she saying? OMFG. She’s leaving the show? She doesn’t want to be the token minority? Whatever do you mean? Well, the producers can rest easy, because at least Frances will be sticking around. Wait! OMG. What the hell is Frances saying now? She’s leaving too? She, too, has decided that this show is a retarded flop and she will play no party to the carefully crafted demographic cast that she was selected to “round out”? No way. I love you guys. I really do. I know you say you’re leaving because you don’t like the boy and you want to respectfully withdraw from the running, but I know what’s really going on. You know Aaron only kept you to “check a box”, after all, him’s a good-ol’ country boy and he’s not into all that tomfoolery with yous ethnic gals. Yay for you two, but next time, admit it. Cowards.

Aaron says some kindergarten thing about, “I didn’t want to pick you anyway,” and proceeds to pass out the roses. Christi is making a face like she can smell dog-crap nearby the whole time. It’s not just you, hon, I can smell it, too. I know he’s just not going to pick her. I mean, the girl cries at the drop of a hat, trashes everyone in the house, tries to manipulate every situation so she is the center of attention, then spends the entire ceremony shooting daggers at Aaron every time he doesn’t call her name. But, no, he finally calls her and again the reality TV gods favor me, since this can only mean one thing: more drama next week. Suzanne, however, was sure to stir the pot, but alas, she is gone and I’m left to wonder if my gods think maybe fortune has smiled on my enough for one day.

But, there’s always next week, right? Oh, wait, I’ve done my summary, I don’t have to watch this crap anymore. Guess those gods really are pulling for me still.


Femme

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  Table of Contents

  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
 Great Job! Red_Dobie 10-10-02 1
 RE: ***Official Bachelor Summary, E... Bebo 10-10-02 2
 RE: ***Official Bachelor Summary, E... katem 10-10-02 3
 RE: ***Official Bachelor Summary, E... Ashmo 10-10-02 4
 RE: ***Official Bachelor Summary, E... Asrai 10-11-02 5
 Episode number SurvivorBlows 10-13-02 6
 RE: ***Official Bachelor Summary, E... kyngsladye 10-14-02 7
 RE: ***Official Bachelor Summary, E... lroy 10-15-02 8
 RE: ***Official Bachelor Summary, E... LionChow 10-17-02 9

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Red_Dobie 731 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Reality Show Commentator"

10-10-02, 03:11 PM (EST)
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1. "Great Job!"
Excellent summary, and so prompt!

Yeah, that Christi needs some serious help. I actually fear for the safety of the other women living in that house.

I also noticed that all 5 women who were not chosen (that includes the 2 voluntary exits) were brunettes. Jeez, what do you think the odds are that his final chosen one will be blond? Just wonderin'.

Anyone have any idea why Suzanne wasn't chosen?

Again, Femme, you did a great job with the summary.

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Bebo 20886 desperate attention whore postings
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10-10-02, 03:36 PM (EST)
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2. "RE: ***Official Bachelor Summary, Episode 3***"
* bowing in homage *

Most excellent, my dear Femme! Why watch this crap when people like you will give me all the juicy dirt? And be so funny when you do so!

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katem 3315 desperate attention whore postings
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10-10-02, 05:21 PM (EST)
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3. "RE: ***Official Bachelor Summary, Episode 3***"
>You know Aaron only
>kept you to “check a
>box”, after all, him’s a
>good-ol’ country boy and he’s
>not into all that tomfoolery
>with yous ethnic gals. Yay
>for you two, but next
>time, admit it. Cowards.

Thanks for not letting them off the hook. LMAO !!!!!

I swear that Christi has "Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction" written all over her. She's skareoke

Great summary Femme. Where have you been? Hardly see you around anymore


(c) 2002 IceCat Originals, Inc. All rights reserved.

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Ashmo 545 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Reality Show Commentator"

10-10-02, 08:29 PM (EST)
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4. "RE: ***Official Bachelor Summary, Episode 3***"
OMG, Femme, I laughed my a$$ off at this summary.

Christi is a freaking psycho and who cares about Suzzanne not getting picked, what about Dana. I don't know what anyone else thought, but I thought she was the most "naturally" pretty woman of them all. Oh, well, don't have to worry about her anymore.

Ashmo

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Asrai 6083 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"

10-11-02, 09:30 PM (EST)
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5. "RE: ***Official Bachelor Summary, Episode 3***"
Femme.Fricken.Rocks.

You had me LMAO so hard! I only wish I was there to have watched it with you! Reality TV is so much better when shared by 2 smart-assed sisters! Goody goody gum drops, my suammary is in 2 weeks! Do you think the gods will yet again smile down on our family? I sure hope so! Great summary, sis!


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SurvivorBlows 15230 desperate attention whore postings
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10-13-02, 00:08 AM (EST)
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6. "Episode number"
...I corrected the Episode 2 in the subject to be Episode 2 (the first episode was technically a special edition preview thingy)

-SB

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kyngsladye 2921 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Howard Stern Show Guest"

10-14-02, 01:16 AM (EST)
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7. "RE: ***Official Bachelor Summary, Episode 2***"
Too funny, Femme! I remember when I watched it saying "Oh no! Don't kiss her, dumbass! She is evilllllllll."


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lroy 536 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Reality Show Commentator"

10-15-02, 05:20 PM (EST)
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8. "RE: ***Official Bachelor Summary, Episode 2***"
>Gawd, Aaron’s second date looked like
>pure torture for him. There
>were catty girl-fights, tears, swearing
>and a shot of him
>sucking on a tube that
>made him look like he
>was… really thirsty.

ok, tears at work are not a good thing!

> She embarrasses
>herself – and more importantly,
>me – by rubbing, touching
>and clinging onto the bachelor.
>Can you say, “Freak-ass Stalker
>Chick?” Run, Aaron. Run far,
>far away, and ferchrissakes, don’t
>ever tell her your email
>address. You’ll be inundated with
>sappy cards with cute, little
>bunnies and cheesy electronic elevator
>music.

I thought the same thing!

>Aaron and Suzy, man, what a
>weird date. Lets just say
>it ends up with Aaron
>on his knees sucking on
>a long tube. In a
>desperate attempt to prove his
>masculinity, he makes out with
>Suzanne

OMH! To think i thought the thirsty comment was funny!
>
>Then, Drama Queen Christi confronts Aaron
>with her woes and is
>rewarded for her freakish behavior
>by getting exactly what she
>was after. The bachelor is
>duped into kissing Stalker-Girl, and
>the manipulative twit thinks this
>is what love is. Scary,
>scary and more scary.

I hope she stays just so we can make fun of her.

> Christi
>is making a face like
>she can smell dog-crap nearby
>the whole time. It’s not
>just you, hon, I can
>smell it, too. I know
>he’s just not going to
>pick her. I mean, the
>girl cries at the drop
>of a hat, trashes everyone
>in the house, tries to
>manipulate every situation so she
>is the center of attention,
>then spends the entire ceremony
>shooting daggers at Aaron every
>time he doesn’t call her
>name. But, no, he finally
>calls her and again the
>reality TV gods favor me,
>since this can only mean
>one thing: more drama next
>week.

I watched this with my friends, and we were all rolling on the floor every time the camera cut to her!

Great summary Femme!


This is only a guess...

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LionChow 2033 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Roller Coaster Inaugurator"

10-17-02, 09:58 AM (EST)
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9. "RE: ***Official Bachelor Summary, Episode 2***"
Oh, the Gods of Reality TV certainly smiled upon you, my Dear.

You were delivered the start of a long and neurotic stalking problem. A nervous breakdown waiting to happen. Enough facial expression changes to fill a book.

I loved your summary, with particular delight about the Whinery and the rose ceremony.

"Christi is making a face like she can smell dog-crap nearby the whole time" I was LMAO during that whole ceremony. She would have that psycho smile on her face one second, then be despondant the next, back to the smile, sneering, winking, frowning... It was a riot.

Thanks for all the laughs Femme! And remember that I'm totally jealous of the luck of the draw that you got. *glare*

... I get the "guy selection" preview, hmph!

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