LAST EDITED ON 02-25-03 AT 11:43 AM (EST)I’m A Celebrity – Get Me Out Of Here!
Episodes 3-5 Summary
“Catfights, Crocs, Coffins, Crud and Creepy Crawlers”
Previously on I’m A Celebrity – Get Me Out Of Here!” …
Hey, wait a minute! If this is a LIVE show, why should we care what happened previously? All we need to know is that all of these faux celebrities are still there.
Rain. Gale-force winds. Rain. Isn’t live TV grand? The women are given see-through raincoats to wear over their bikinis.
Time for some conflict. Someone peed just outside the camp instead of going to the bathroom.
What is this crap? Don’t these moron producers know ANYTHING about reality TV? We want to see people SUFFER. You don’t give them bathrooms; you hand them a shovel and tell them to dig a hole! Bathroom?! Pffffft! I remember that even the producer of BlowsVivor used to insist to the writers that the contestants had to suffer or the show would be dull. So far, this show proves me right.
But on with the show. Downtown Julie Brown and Uptown Melissa Rivers gossip. Julie says that she saw someone urinate near the water supply but she won’t say whom. So the producers treat the viewing audience to “night video” to show us.
Night. A feral pig approaches the camp, thinking it has found its missing family. It squeals and cuddles up happily next to Robin Leach. The physical resemblance is amazing. From off-camera, we can hear ex-survivor Michael Skupin plotting to butcher them both.
Then Maria Conchita Alonzo wakes up. She talks about going to the bathroom. She asks if the camera can film you in the bathroom. Maybe she goes to it; we can’t tell, but she goes off-camera. Then Melissa stirs … but she doesn’t get up. Perhaps she was dreaming of her emotional brethren, the crocodiles. Finally, Alana Hamilton Stewart, famous celebrity ex-wife, gets up and … ewwww. It’s her. She admits to it. She says she was too wet to walk to the bathroom. She leaves out “too lazy.”
Temporary camp director Julie decides to have a camp meeting to humiliate Alana in public. Julie points out where the bathroom is and where the campsite is, but she stumbles when asked to identify the difference between her a$$ and a hole in the ground.
Howard Stern sidekick Stuttering John Melendez says that this shouldn’t have been made public. Oh my. Someone from the “Howard Stern Show” has to lecture the other contestants about decency. That’s like being lectured to about racial equality by Jefferson Davis or about civil liberties by Adolf Hitler.
But it doesn’t matter. None of this matters. What matters is that we have a catfight coming up, don’t we? Like the “Miller Lite” commercials? All of America waits for Alana and Julie to go at it. But they don’t. Alana isn’t even humiliated. Heck, this is a woman who sued her plastic surgeon about her breast implants eleven years after she got them; she should have a high threshold for public embarrassment.
New camp leader time … and it’s ex-Playmate Nikki Zierling, aka “Recruit Zero” on Celebrity Boot Camp. On that show, we learned that Nikki is lazy and worthless and needs constant pampering to be happy. On this show, we learn why she’s shared so many famous beds – she has a great body. Her first order of business is to … take Alana aside and discuss peeing. Boy, this show certainly caters to the intellectual side of the viewing audience, doesn’t it?
Alana says that her agent dislikes Julie. Like any true Hollywood wannabe, Alana can’t think for herself, so she dislikes Julie too. Maybe the catfight is still coming.
Meanwhile, the guys make a rudimentary weightlifting bench and then go swimming. As men learn from an early age, it's not safe to be around angry women.
Now for the Bush Tucker Trial. As we already know, tonight’s challenge is for Nikki to face off with crocodiles. It turns out that she’s supposed to go into a swamp with two big crocs and three little crocs in it and feel around under ten buoys for ten stars. She has two minutes.
The host, John LIVE (I never caught his last name, but it must be LIVE, because that’s what he says all the time), tells Nikki that there are two croc handlers, a wrangler, and a guy with a tranquilizer gun. Nikki says she’ll try the challenge and strips down to her implants. Then it’s time for the challenge.
How dangerous is this challenge? I don’t know. Crocs are territorial, but if this isn’t their territory, then they are unlikely to attack. Freshwater crocs, which the little ones appear to be, don’t attack humans, period. The big ones look like salties, which do. However, they’ve probably just been fed, which makes crocs very lethargic. Anyway, they don’t eat silicone, so Nikki probably won’t smell like food to them. Nikki, of course, doesn’t think about any of this. All she sees is that this challenge doesn’t make good use of her talents --- you can’t promise a crocodile a role in the hay if it’s nice to you.
Nikki starts whimpering that she can’t see one of the crocs. She tries to go in but keeps freaking out and comes back out. Then she says she sees a snake. She's used to snakes, but this one is more than seven inches long, and that freaks her out even more. Anyway, the end result is that we don’t see her get any of the 10 stars, but the producers say she gets one anyway.
Nikki cries her way back to camp and exaggerates her story to the rest of the faux celebs. The other bozos cry too. I want to cry, but for very different reasons – this is the most pathetic attempt at network TV since My Mother, The Car. Then Robin and Melissa decide to complain to the producer, who tells them that Nikki was in no danger. Melissa still whines. Hey, it’s what she’s good at.
Oh, while Nikki was off playing gator bait, the other fauxies found another treasure chest. Inside is another question: “Which plastic surgery is performed most often on men in America: hair transplant or removing Alana’s lips from their … oh, sorry … hair transplant or breast reduction?” Onetime Olympian (and friend of O.J.) Bruce Jenner argues for hair transplant. He’s no dummy. Alana and Nikki, who are dummies, argue for breast reduction. In the end, Bruce prevails, and he’s right. They win … teabags. Alana says that she likes hers weak, like her men.
And now it’s time for the catfight, part II. Alana goes to the bathroom. Once again, I say: give her a shovel! When she gets there, Julie is cleaning it, and she asks Alana to wait. Ultimately, Julie and Alana exchange words. Alana goes back to camp, heads straight for the drinking water, and … no, she doesn’t have that much of a sense of humor; she just goes back and complains. To everyone. Repeatedly. She says that she is going to kick Julie’s butt. If she can find it, that is.
Julie returns. Alana wants to talk in private. Julie says no. Everyone else asks them to let it die. But not Julie. She wags her finger in Alana’s face and says that she’s going to kick Alana’s butt. Shades of Alicia and Kimmi. In fact, it looks like Alana wants to become a Kimmi-like character; she’s starting to look a little dirty around the edges.
Alana whines to everyone some more about Mean Downtown Julie. Everyone else starts whining about Alana. Whine, whine, whine. They even have whine with their dinner, which features a visit from two aborigines, whom the fauxies treat with the same level of disdain that they normally reserve for their servants back in L.A. One of the abos calls the fauxies rude. Hey, finally, someone on this show is talking sense! Better get him off right now! So the abos have to leave. Too bad.
John, the host with the least, shows up again and tells the fauxies (BTW, that’s pronounced foe-eees, which rhymes with phonies) that the person selected to do the next trial, by popular vote, is … Nikki once again. She’s going to have to lay down in a pit in the dark. She should be good at this, since she’s had so much practice on her back, but you never know. Zzzzz.
Zzzzzz. Oh, wait, we’re back. Melissa calls a group meeting. She wants everyone to stop swearing, and Alana and Julie to hug. Then they kiss. Then … oh, wait, we cut back to Melissa. She is now going after Nikki the drama diva. Yesterday, the producer showed Robin and Melissa tapes of what actually happened to Nikki and Nikki’s real reaction to it (laughing and joking until she got 40 yards from camp, then turning on the tear ducts and the histrionics), and that doesn’t jibe with the story Nikki told the other fauxies. Nikki says she was really scared but just trying to look brave. She tells everyone that her frequent visits to the Playboy Mansion have given her a lot of experience in hiding how she really feels. The men look a little puzzled, but the other women nod knowingly.
Julie says that the only four-letter word allowed in camp now will be “love.”
Alana: “I love me.”
Julie: “I love myself more than you love yourself.”
Robin: “I love my self-image.”
Melissa: “I love my mom, because she makes it easy for me to love myself more.”
…and so on. Yep, these fauxies know all about love.
Question: why is Melissa running this meeting, and not temporary camp director Nikki? Well, for one thing, I guess Nikki wouldn’t have called a meeting to chew herself out. However, it’s clear after this meeting who wields the real power in camp. Look out for Melissa the croc.
Today’s new camp director is Cris Judd, whose only real claim to fame is that he somehow suckered Jennifer Lopez into marrying him. But quickly enough, J-Lo gave him the heave-ho, and the other fauxies give him about the same level of respect. He assigns cleaning tasks. But it’s still raining!?! Why clean the mud off things when its raining? Clearly J-Lo didn’t marry him for his mind.
Tyson leads the cleaning of the pots and pans. Cris complains about how much dish soap they used. In response, God sends a big tree limb down to whack Cris in the head. Darn it, God, why did you forget that hitting Cris in the head is the one place that you CANNOT hurt him, because there’s nothing up there?
Nikki goes to the next trial, convinced that America hates her. Robin tries to convince her that all her back-to-back selection means is that America wants to see more of her front. The trial consists of a box on the ground, kinda resembling a coffin. For every minute Nikki stays in the box, she earns a star (meal) – 10 minutes, 10 stars. Hey, wasn’t this the rumored last challenge in Survivor: The Australian Outback – to see who could stay in a coffin the longest? Geez, not only do these guys steal from Survivor, but they even steal from Survivor rumors. They must be pretty desperate on this show…
This should be easy, but Nikki starts freaking out at once. She tries it, but she finally freaks out completely after just 4 minutes. Well, her ex-husband George Hamilton did play a vampire in a couple of movies … maybe he took his work home with him, and the memories still haunt her?
Nikki insists there was something crawling on her. The producers show her that the box is, was, and always has been empty. She insists otherwise. But, as usual, she’s wrong. She just visualized that hand creeping up her leg….
Back at camp, everyone is eating prunes. Bruce, meanwhile, is rationing the toilet paper: four squares each per wipe, two wipes each. Bruce has now established himself as the most anal man on TV.
Nikki shaves her legs – apparently she knows that the model finished second on this show when it was on in the U.K. Tyson tells her that hair repels bug bites, but hairy legs don’t make the 16-year-olds watching on TV swoon. Meanwhile, Alana reveals that she hasn’t bathed and doesn’t worry about looking like a hag – hmmm. Guess who may be planning on leaving first.
Bruce and Mean Julie find the day’s treasure chest. Question: “How many times do people fall in love in a lifetime: once, with themselves, or more, with all of their friends’ spouses?” Uh, but the answers given were 3 or 6. They say 3. The answer is 6. Instead of the “reward” of chocolate, they get a box of wigs. While playing, everyone realizes that they’re bored. Hey, so is the viewing audience, guys and gals. Get used to it.
Melissa uses the wigs to emcee a fake red carpet walk, modeled after the Golden Globes. Stuttering John wears a loin cloth. Nikki wears her bikini. Zzzz.
Oh, wait, time to wake up to see who was chosen for tomorrow’s challenge. Two people dominated the voting: the two primary divas of Day 3, Julie and Alana … and the winner is … Alana.
…The special 2-hour show opens with a recap of the fauxies’ lives. The LIVE feed promises us that we’ll see a huge storm. Whoopie.
Nobody really cares about the fauxies, so I’ll spare you from having to learn that George Hamilton says Alana’s a hypochondriac, Nikki’s obsessed with being dolled up, Maria is sex-crazed and Julie’s a psycho, among other things. ABC plugs the option to purchase live feeds from the show. Zzzzz.
Luxury items for these clowns are stunning:
- Nikki, eyelash curler and assorted other beauty products
- Robin, duct tape (just in case of a sudden terrorist attack on the Australian rainforest, I guess)
- Julie, a portable shower. HUH?
…so who really cares what else they got…
Bruce finds a leech on the ground that is bloated … with his blood. The leech immediately reminds Nikki and Cris of themselves. They throw it in the fire. POP!
In another insert, we see a pre-show Robin thinking that being in the rainforest would be like being in the garden of Eden. Why Robin thinks this is a mystery. Clearly he has never once gone camping. Robin, did you see any celebrities living in the rainforest when you used to host “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous”? Bruce is the only one with a clue; he says that it will rain. Yep, Bruce, you’re right.
The sun comes up, finally, after 4 rainy days. Robin and Alana go to find the treasure chest. They find where it’s supposed to be but can’t find it. After what seems like hours but may only have been seconds on this dull show, Alana thinks that she should look up – and finds it, right over her head and up a tree.
Here’s the question: “In a survey, the majority of men want the following in a partner: big boobs or IQ?” Now, since so many of these women have implants, the answer should be obvious, right? After all, who has been selected to do the trials? Melissa, Nikki and Alana, and they all have … Melissa brags to Nikki that she just got them in November – Nikki tells Mel that she’s had 7 boob jobs to get them right. So the answer is obvious, right?
They answer “IQ.” BZZZZZZZZT. As the “booby” prize, they get balls. Boobs and balls. Hmmm.
The men shave. Robin gets a goatee. Tyson says he looks like Papa Smurf.
The trial: 10 containers filled with creepy crawlers. Alana has to reach in to get the stars. Cockroaches, leeches, spiders, rats, eels, she gets them all. The 10th star is under a mean-looking possum, which is standing right on the star. It makes it clear that Alana will have a new set of tooth markings if she tries to move it. After two failed attempts, the wranglers move the star out from under the possum, and Alana reaches in s-l-o-w-l-y to grab it despite the hisses of the possum. She gets all 10 stars – which is double the amount that Nikki got in two trials. Amazing. Perhaps her odor helped? Or, perhaps, she's turning into Kimmi II, in touch with nature. Yeah, sure.
Alana brags. Then she says her feelings are hurt because Mean Julie didn’t praise her. At these words, a team of psychiatrists come out with a straitjacket and announce that Alana also wins the passive-aggressive challenge, so she gets to spend the night in a nice dry padded cell.
Next, the fauxies have tribal council, with gossipy questions from the host, John LIVE. Cris says he was disappointed in J-Lo. Yeah, but that’s mild compared to what she thinks of you, buddy. Nikki says she’d like to have sex with Tyson to pass the time. Hey, I thought it was Maria who was supposed to be sex-crazed!
Julie asks Cris for salsa lessons. Robin plays MC and eventually pairs everyone off for a dance contest. Melissa and Cris win. It starts raining again. Then it turns into a monsoon-like storm. Robin goes to bed. So does the audience. Zzzzzz.
Oops, need to wake up for one more challenge. Leeches. In a stunningly appropriate moment, America picks Julie to face them. The snake pit is next. Hmmm. Who to vote for? Nikki sounds like she wants to see a snake, as long as it belongs to Tyson. Bruce is a snake in the grass. And is Maria even on this show any longer?
That’s the Weekend Update of I'm A Fauxie -- Get Me Out Of Here, Episodes 3-5. Volunteers to summarize Episode 6 (and the rest) are now welcome. Apply by posting a summary....