A little blonde girl sits in front of her flickering television set. Mommy said the evil ones were all gone. They had turned into black & white ghosts and were imprisoned in photo frames forever. It was safe to watch TV again. Suddenly – BAM! – the screen fills with full color, full throated, laughing, sneering, backstabbing, self-serving houseguests. Terrified, the little blonde girl looks over her shoulder and proclaims… ”They’re ba-a-ack!”

It is day 82 in the Big Bother House. All the evicted houseguests have returned, ready to stick it to one of their own one last time and thus determine a winner. Hmmm. Dani or Lisa? This is no-brainer, but on with the summary.

Julie Chen, famous newswoman and cue-card reader is ready for her close-up. She has poured her skinny body into a low-cut, long sleeved, Lycra top with matching dark pants. She sports a tiny necklace of shiny sparklies. She also has rubbed her chest liberally with sparkly body glitter, from her collarbone all the way down to where her cleavage would be if she had cleavage. Which she does not. Way to make those chest bones shimmer & shine, Julie! Where was I? Oh yeah, Day 82. The Finale.

The Evicted ones sit in a circle, like roosting vultures. They are eager to pick at each other’s bones one last time. Mother vulture Julie asks “What surprised or upset you the most about the other houseguests, when you were able to watch the shows and live feeds after you were voted off?”

First Tonya, who, by the way, is dressed quite conservatively, boobs fully covered. “It blew my mind that people thought I was a bad mother! Just because I appeared on camera in a peanut butter bikini, and a shaving cream bikini, and showered with Chiarra, and wiggled my naked chi-chis at the live feed cameras every chance I got--so that my children and their friends and all their parents could see my naked splendor! Just because of that, they say I am a bad mother! You can be a sexy, fun-loving woman with a wild exhibitionist side, no common sense, get naked when you feel like it, and still be a good mother! Right?”

Julie says “Right on.” Right on?

Amy, dressed all in black, babbles something about not really meaning it, when she called Chiara Chiwhora, and asks forgiveness. Trouble is, with her drawly accent, all that comes out is ‘Chiwhora’, ‘Chiwhora’, ‘Chiwhora.’ For her part, Chiwhora sits there with a dead, pissy look on her face and does not respond. I think you are unforgiven, Amy.

Later, when it is her turn to vent, Chiara says she doesn’t forgive Amy, then tries to sound like she and Roddy have a thing going. Roddy doesn’t comment. Two things about Chiara… When she is not the focus of the camera, she sits there all slumped over, with a bored, sour-grapes, pissy look on her face. Looks kind of like the expression a whore would have as she sits on the side of a bed, waiting for her next john. When the camera is on her, she lights up all smiley, happy and engaged—as though her life has meaning. The good news is, we get through this whole set without Chiwhora demonstrating a single sex position!

Lori wears an off-shoulder, lilac top and makes absolutely no sense. As usual.

Josh has chubbed out! I remember him as all skinny and skinny- faced, but now he has that sort of broadened, deeper in the chin, neck and chest look that horses get when they are put out to stud. He and Merritt must be going at it every chance they get. Julie asks him when he is going to make an honest woman of Merritt. Good ol’ Josh hems, haws, and blabbers about doing things his way, on his timetable. Merritt, honey? This is not a good sign. Time for ultimatums, and less free milk, if ya know what I mean. *Wink* *wink*

Roddy looks rather embarrassed by the whole Happy Houseguests Show Julie is trying to do. He mutters something about trying hard to be kind and respectful while back-stabbing all the poor suckers who couldn’t see past his charisma, thus picking them off one-by-one. (A nice strategy, btw, Rotty. And it would have worked just fine with the nine clueless idiots around you. You just weren’t smart enough for Dani.)

Julie asks Marcellas how many other people hit him upside the head like she did, after he foolishly did not veto himself. Lots of people did, of course. His mama, however, whacked his little backside over and over, saying “You stupid %$(*&@!! You threw away $500,000! For that much money, I might even forgive you for being gay! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid boy!” *whack* *whack* *whack*

Delusional to the end, Marci tells Julie that it wasn’t arrogance that made him refuse to veto himself. It was his large, warm heart. I guess in his heart he trusted them to make the “correct” (according to Marcellas) decision. {Psst! Marcellas! That is arrogance! Get a clue!}

Jason, semi-professional Christian Virgin Boy, is last up. Well, not ‘up’ up, ya know, being a professed Virgin and all. He’s the last one to speak is what I mean. Anyway, Jason tries his best to defend Danielle. As soon as he begins speaking, Marci who has been sitting beside him until now jumps up and switches places with Amy. It’s nothing personal, he says, he just doesn’t want to be near kind words about that traitor Dani. Hmmm. I wonder who Marci will vote? Dani or Lisa?

Oh yeah, I forgot to say that during all the Evicted Ones mind-numbing chatter we were also treated to flashbacks of Dani confessing to Lisa about all the dirty, double-dealing, lying and diabolical things she had done while in the house. Bad, bad things that got other people evicted. Lisa confesses to not flossing daily.

Commercials, commercials and we’re back for the second half of the show.

Julie Chen, famous newswoman and cue card reader is in the same clothing—necklace, spangles and all. Everyone else has changed. “Welcome back” Julie exclaims, as though this was just another commercial break in the live show. Julie, Julie, you look like an idiot! What is this stupid pretense that this whole show is happening right now—live? Do you think we don’t notice that Amy’s dress has changed from black to red, Josh is now wearing a team jersey (oh thank God, thank God, he is not in a powder blue basketball outfit a la BB2’s Boogie-Boy), and Tonya is wearing some kind of Vegas Cowgirl Does Dallas ensemble?

Julie says, “Let’s listen to the thoughts of our Evicted Houseguests as they prepare to vote.” Yeah, right. These people don’t have ‘thoughts.’ I listened hard. I even took notes, and I can’t find much to summarize here. Oh yeah, Lori’s new outfit is a hoot. It is some kind of gold-toned brocade—homemade, and poorly fitting, I must say—with a squirrel fur collar. I’m pretty sure it’s squirrel. Some kind of road kill, anyway.

Ooops! I almost forgot. The HGs get to ask Dani & Lisa questions, to help them decide how to vote. The questions are mostly vapid (Duh! What did you expect!) so I will try to cover them really, really fast. The stupid show is over. Who wants to read a long summary?

Okay, I looked at my notes again, and I refuse to summarize this drivel in detail. HGs questions are all self-centered. Each person’s Q is about themselves. All answers lead to Dani & Lisa apologizing to the idiot who asked the question, after which the idiot gives a firm nod of their head as though to say ‘See? I was right/justified all along.’

In her final words, Lisa says, “I played the game with heart.” Danielle says, “My goal was to be innocent as a dove, and sly as a snake. Everything I did, I did for my family.”

Julie does another ‘What Are They Thinking’ segment, which shows the Houseguests in the Diary Room, assessing the two finalists. They all make comments favorable to or admiring Dani’s strategy. Things look bad for Lisa—not! How stupid does CBS think we are? Like, we are fooled by this editing? Let the slaughter begin!

Each HG has two new keys, with their own name engraved on each top. One key says ‘Danielle’ along the side, and the other says ‘Lisa.’ Whoever gets the most votes with their name on the keys wins the $500,00.00. The keys will be pulled out live, in front of Dani & Lisa. Oh, the drama!

So, all the Happy Hamsters troop back into the Big Hamster House. Jason rings the doorbell as they all gather ‘round. Inside the House, Dani is so nervous that she hides around the corner, refusing to join Lisa in opening the door. When they enter the house, the first thing the HGs notice is that their photos have returned to full color! They’re alive again! Ignoring the Final Two, they gather at the photo wall to admire themselves. After a few minutes, they suddenly remember why they are there, and look for Dani and Lisa. Lots of hugs & kisses follow. Even a couple for Dani.

Eric and Lisa clench, and the CBS camera zooms in. What a sweet, wonderful, love story this has been for America! The heart-of-gold bartender and the hero fire fighter. We saw them meet. Heard their first words to each other. Saw the first kiss. The first rough gropings. The first hand job. The second hand job. The amorphous humping under the covers. The CBS execs are so proud.

Okay, back to the vote. Dani & Lisa sit in the purple chairs, holding hands, as the HGs step up, in the order they were voted out, and reveal who they want to win.

Lori – Lisa.
Tonya – Lisa.
Eric – Lisa.
Do you see a trend here?
Lisa.
Lisa.
Lisa.
Lisa.
Lisa.
Lisa.
Jason, loyal to the end, is the only Dani vote.

Hooray! This dratted show is over! Oh, wait. Not quite.

Dani scoots out of the house and into the arms of her hubbie Xavier, and her two daughters. Lisa finally lets go of Eric and hugs her dad. Then they have to sit through another Julie Chen, girl reporter, interview.

Julie: “How surprised are you?”
Danielle: “Not shocked. I did bad things in this game.”
Lisa: “I played with honesty, and proved that an honest person can win this game.”
Or something like that.

As the show ends, Julie and all twelve HouseGuests gather on the front steps of the Big Brother House for one last group hug. Julie thanks them all, then announces that peanut butter & jelly sandwiches will be served at the wrap party! The houseguests run screaming into the night.

The BB3 cameras slowly pan around the empty House. Empty chairs. Empty beds. Etc., etc. Hey! Wait a minute! You forgot about the lizards! I see the lizards in their cage! Don’t leave them there! They’ll die! They need food! They need water! Don’t let them die! Oh my God. CBS has totally screwed up. Does anybody have Julie’s phone number?