LAST EDITED ON 09-21-02 AT 02:35 AM (EST)

HANG TEN, PUKE ONE

Previously on Big Brother 3 –
Danielle talked smack, Amy threw some back, Jason tried not to whack and Lisa got on her back.

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There are only four left in the BB3 house. How did this particular configuration of media whores make it this far? To summarize, Danielle and Jason have made it by downplaying their alliance and plotting in secret. Amy has made it this far because everyone knows she can’t possibly win. And Lisa is still in the house because wherever 3 or more whores are gathered…there’s always a Lisa.

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to episode 972 of Big Brother 3. As the show enters what must be its fifth decade of riveting inaction, the hamsters are feeling a little reflective about all who’ve gone before. It’s a touching moment, and a great opportunity for the producers to insert some footage of the show back when it was still sexy.

Don’t you think those poor folks at SeeBS are royally peeved that out of all the naked single moms, potty mouthed sluts and self-absorbed “writers” with porn fetishes that entered this humble abode weeks ago, the only man left in the house is a virgin and the three women left haven’t spontaneously showered together in weeks? Bummer.

Our episode starts with a southern barbeque. Apparently, Lisa isn’t familiar with this ethnic fare and finds the whole bone sucking process a little uncouth. You would think that Lisa of all people would enjoy gnawing on the bone, but for some reason, without Eric there to use her ears as handles, the thrill is gone.

Danielle also takes a private moment in the Diary Room to remind America that despite how she has lied, backstabbed, manipulated and schemed, she was loyal to Jason and to herself and that’s all that matters. What’s a little deluded justification and blatant denial worth these days? Methinks 50K.

The next morning Jason announces that he feels Lisa is beautiful. He also feels a little something down below but can’t quite put his finger on it. Fortunately, he can wrap his whole hand around it.

Lisa who realizes that she needs to make some money now if at all possible, encourages Jason to come on down – it can all be his if The Price is Right. Ahahaha, these kids are so gosh darn witty.

Anywho, Jason and Lisa indulge in a little half-hearted flirting. Jason knows this can’t go anywhere. Eric could crush him like a girlie man. Plus Jason is a virgin, and Lisa … well Lisa isn’t. So chances are this can’t work out.

But wait! Lisa has cheerfully mentioned before that she can orgasm by simply having her belly button touched. Remembering this, Jason runs to check his Bible and discovers that God doesn’t expressly forbid that particular premarital input, so things are looking up.

It’s time for the Luxury Competition. The hamsters are told to put on their bathing suits. Wow – that’s a shocker. They’d probably tell them to wear their bathing suits to a funeral. The competition involves riding a hydraulic surfboard. Each hamster gets 2 turns and the times will be combined. The two players with the two best times will get a sunset cruise on the Pacific Ocean.

Danielle thinks she’ll do well because she’s “small.” Uh, Danielle, have you looked in any of those 2-way mirrors lately? You are a fine looking woman, but you do have some serious junk in your trunk ifyouknowwhatImean.

Jason comments that they don’t surf in MOBILE, ALABAMA. Thanks for the insight Virgin Forrest Gump.

Even though it isn’t a booze cruise, Amy expresses intent interest on winning, She wants to get out of the house awhile. I suppose that sangria-soaked sojourn in sunny Mexico has faded from Amy’s memory. She thinks she’s probably a lock to win because she has undulated for fun and prizes at many a kegger.

Lisa doesn’t like boats and plans on throwing the competition. “I’m going down,” she explains. Way to play to your strength sweetie!

So, after several minutes of watching the “highlights” of this competition, it’s revealed that the south has risen again. Amy and Jason win the sunset cruise! Yankees suck y’all!

The two little lovebirds prepare for their date. This consists of Amy twirling around in her “goin a-drinkin” white dress and Jason running a hand through his ’do du jour. Amy and the girls refer to Amy’s dress as her “Marilyn Monroe” look. I don’t think Amy is really gonna inspire too many “7-Year Itches”, but she has probably given many men a 7-day rash.

Jason and Amy are blindfolded and roped together (gosh, too bad Chiara isn’t a part of all this) and led to a limo. They arrive at the pier and comment on all the boats. Boats at a pier. Brilliant observation. And for a virgin who shaves maybe once a week, Jason looks pretty dang hot in this scene.

Meanwhile back at the house Danielle and Lisa play cards. NAKED. Oh, how the producers wish.

Now back to the boat. Jason is fascinated by the seals they see frolicking in the ocean. Amy is staggering around the boat without the benefit of any alcohol at all.

Next, in a flash back to every Saturday night since the 10th grade, Amy throws up. In another replay of her sad, sorry little life, a disinterested, pitying boy holds her hair back while she hurls. Too much more of this and I may vomit myself.

We cut back to the house where Danielle is brutally imitating Amy. I hope Amy sees this when she watches the tapes because she basically worships Danielle and has no clue what a back-stabbing, two-faced manipulative little beotch Danielle actually is. Amy is not the brightest porch light on the block.

The scandalous Danielle continues to mock Amy, and then says that Amy is Jason’s type. (Why a drunk, insecure, easy girl is Jason’s type eludes me. Seems like a waste of a perfectly good tramp)

We rejoin A & J on the boat as the sun sets over a great expanse of ocean. It’s a very romantic setting and Jason is getting that funny feeling in his pants again. He turns to Amy and says, “Even though you have dried crusty vomit in your hair, you are beautiful on the inside and the outside." Awwww.

Amy slurs, “Oh sugar, I’ve always relied on the kindness of strangers.” Then she threw up in the Skipper’s shoe. Gilligan was blazing up a fatty and did not make an appearance in this episode.

Next up, inexplicably, is a montage of lizard footage. I wrote some stuff down during this, but it was a waste of my life to watch it, so I’m not about to write about it.

Let’s just move on to America’s Choice shall we?

Before we get to the actual America’s Choice question and answer, I should probably mention that the producers show us yet another exchange between a whispering Danielle and Jason. Just in case we haven’t absorbed the fact that they have a hidden alliance and have since the first week, the producers like to show them discussing the same flippin strategy over and over and over and over and over again.

OK! We get it. S.E.C.R.E.T. A.L.L.I.A.N.C.E. They are whispering because it’s a secret. Ssssssshhhh – did y’all know that there is a S.E.C.R.E.T. A.L.L.I.A.N.C.E. between Danielle and Jason? These guys make Mark Burnett look like the King of Understatement.

Back to the game. But please – don’t tell anyone I told you about the S.E.C.R.E.T. A.L.L.I.A.N.C.E. Daniellle and Jason need to keep it on the Q.T. Which is why they are constantly whispering about it in plain view of the rest of the houseguests. But, since the remaining houseguests are Amy and Lisa – they probably won't crack their code.

So Big Brother informs them that there is a surprise in the Living Room. What it is? The hamsters get to see what the home pages of their fan web sites look like. Personally, I think this would be a little anticlimactic, but these are self-absorbed desperate attention whores and they LOVE it!

These people and their pathetic need for affirmation make Stuart Smalley look confident. They’re mean enough. They’re dumb enough. And dog-gone it, people hate them.

America’s Choice involves an internet chat between one hamster and his or her legions of fans. And by legion I mean eight.

America chooses Lisa to receive this “honor” and she looks genuinely surprised and pleased. Her fans ask her what she thinks about the others. Lisa is surprising perceptive. She characterizes Danielle as threatening and scary and Amy as sad and insecure. (She said nice stuff too, but like I’m gonna mention THAT)

The rest of the confab is pretty vapid. Lisa again reiterates that Eric being able to spell "H-I" in his peanut butter is a highlight of her romantic life. She trashes Chiara a little (this may surpass baseball as America’s Past time – afterall, no one ever strikes out with Chiara). And she intimates the Eric was a bad kisser at first but improved with time (she didn’t mention anything that he might have done to her belly button, and I’m sure we are all REALLY grateful for that)

Right about this time, Virtual Eric makes an appearance on the on-line chat. It really was kind of sweet. Seriously. He talked about how much he missed her and how much he can’t wait to see her. He didn’t mention that he is currently unemployed as a result of disciplinary action brought about by his appearance on BB3. He encourages her to preservere. His jobless status makes Lisa and her possible windfall even more attractive.

The overall impression is that these two lovebirds will end up together. I guess that means Jason is getting screwed and not in a good way.

Lisa runs outside after her chat is over and fills in the rest of the hamsters on how great it was. They’re all just playing cards and getting along out on the patio. Can we stand the excitement?

And with this mind-numbingly boring image, another episode limps to an anticlimactic finish.