Last time on eXiled, the maniacal motor-mouth Manesh met his match in shell game with Jade and was exiled. Manesh, you may be a nice guy in Real Life, but in this game, you surely were not. I fear in your next life you will be reborn as a more humble being—perhaps a sand crab, or an orange haired TV host, or a hickey on Graham’s ass.eXiled, Episode 5 “All Choked Up”
Day 8.
The show opens with sunset on the eXiled beach and a fire burning down to coals. Manesh has just left. Jade speaks to the camera. “I wasn’t surprised to be chosen for eXile Court last time, and I expect it again.” She heads back to the group camp, surprising cheerful for someone who is doomed. By the time Jade reaches camp it is full dark so a night-vision camera, the kind that gives everyone Children of the Damned glowing white eyeballs catches the surreal scene… They are sooo happy to see Jade, and not Manesh. Meg cheers! Graham does a handstand in joyous exuberance. Carole and Jeff waltz arm in arm while singing “Manesh is gone, Manesh is gone.”
The next morning we begin with a confessional from Jeff, squinting in the bright sunshine. “The single happiest moment I’ve had on this island was seeing Jade last night. Today the birds are singing with joy, the dolphins are swimming together and the crabs are dancing because Manesh is gone. Good riddance to bad rubbish. I can honestly say I never want to see Manesh again in my life.”
Kinley observes that there are a lot of girls left in the game (five) but only two guys. “I think a girl will win this game”
Carole. “The guys are dropping like flies. They are just not as dedicated as the girls are. Jade worries me because she is very strong. (pause) Amanda spends a lot of time thinking about her boyfriend.”
Amanda. “I think a girl will win. I think I can win”
Graham wears an Aussie style, khaki hat in all his confessionals. Makes him look cocky, and he likes it that way. “Kinley thinks I’m cocky. Well, guess what, Kinley? I am. I can play better than you, too.” Then he adds, “I think Kinley could turn on our alliance.”
Carole. “Kinley has started hanging with Jade and Amanda.”
At this point, the orange-headed host Jason interrupts our scheming contestants to announce a new challenge. Mysteriously he leads the campers away one-by-one without explaining where they are going or what they will be doing.
Before I continue with this Summary, I think I owe an apology to host Jason. (Dear Jason, when I first saw you in your orange, clown-head wig I thought you were wearing it as a tribute to clowns everywhere, and would feel honored if I called you Bozo. Now I have learned from dabo and Katem that you are not honoring clowns, but are in fact a mutant type person. I am sorry for your disability. Did you know that as a mutant you are qualified under the A.D.A. (Americans with Disabilities Act) section 48, paragraph (3) for a free hair transplant, support services, and a complementary lobotomy? Think about it. Sincerely, Swami.) Summary continues…
This challenge gets right to the point—who do you like?. Each camper must select one shingle from a pile of wooden shingles, each with the name of one eXiled camper written on it. They are to pick the name of the person they like the least, and privately explain to Jason why they picked that person.
Graham goes first and picks Jade. “She is the coldest person. She never smiles. She makes snide remarks, and is just unfriendly.”
Meg picks Amanda. “She has won too many challenges. I’m jealous I guess.”
Amanda picks Meg. “It’s not that I don’t like her, it’s just that we have nothing in common. I feel like I’ve made up with Graham, so I’ll pick Meg.”
Jade picks Graham as least liked. “His attitude is out of control. He’s way cocky.”
Jeff picks Jade. “She is just cold and snobbish.”
Kinley picks through the shingles 2 or 3 times, finally pulls out Graham’s name. “He’s a threat, and I like him the least.”
Carole picks Jade. “Jade is so standoffish.”
So, 3 votes Jade, 2 votes Graham, one each for Meg and Amanda.
Bozo, I mean Jason, sits the contestants in a semi-circle to announce the vote tally. “It was very close youguys, but Jade is The Least Liked Person On The Show.” Jade takes it very well. She doesn’t scream or cry or throw dolphin dung or anything like that. Just sits there smiling and bites her lip. What’s not to like? She’s the sweetest of the bunch of ya!
Has Jade just been eXiled?
Graham, in his cocky confessional sounds very unsurprised. “It’s Jade. What a surprise. ho hum)” (Hey Mr. Cocky! Do you know that you are the close second? Maybe you should watch your back more and Carole’s front less.)
Then, in a very cool twist, Bozo--I-mean Jason--asks Jade to read a poem.
Being the least can bring you Power,
Be quick you have just one hour.
Look at the map, run as fast as you can…
Find it and the pardon will be in your hand.
Bwaahaha. The least liked person is handed a golden opportunity to win immunity! Jason gives Jade a map of the island with an X to show the start, and three distant circled areas. The immunity idol is hidden within one of the circled areas. If Jade can find the idol and bring it back in one hour or less, she will be immune from exile that night.
Jade takes off, map in hand, running for her life. Now see, this would have been a much more entertaining sequence if the producers had made sure that Jade ran while wearing a bikini. There is slo-mo running footage and sexy music, just like on Baywatch, but no moving boobies. Jade wears a baggy Hard Rock Café t-shirt. Quelle disappointment! Oh, the missed ratings boost! (Carole would have known to run in her bikini.) Anyway, being denied the bouncing boobies shot, the camera tracks Jade mostly from the rear. Her ass moves nicely in the shorts, and her waist length dark brown pony tail sways alluringly.
She finds the idol! Oh joy - Immunity is hers.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the remaining campers are in a full blown tizzy. It seems much was revealed when who voted for whom was ferreted out.
Jeff. “This vote really opened my eyes.” (I close my eyes tight. Jeff! Put on a shirt! Jeff, who was too skinny at the start appears to have lost more weight than Big Tom did in Africa. He is sooo skinny it hurts my eyes. I start to worry that he was wearing a shirt, but it slipped off his body by the neckhole!)
Kinley, swinging on the hammock, is under fire and tries to defend her vote for Graham. “I voted for Graham because his name was after mine.” “Because I didn’t think he’d mind.” “I didn’t really have a reason” “Graham, Amanda, the names look so much alike.” “I meant to vote Jade but the butterfly ballot confused me.” “If you check the hanging chad, you can see that I meant to vote for Meg.” “The Supreme Court will uphold my reasoning.” Etc., etc.
Jeff, on Kinley’s vote. “Graham’s feelings were hurt.” Then we see scenes of a sad Graham, a reduced Graham, folding clothes without his Aussie Cocky Hat on! OMG! He has a red scarf tied over his head, like a penitent or a washer woman. Poor Graham. He must be utterly crushed.
Graham (in head rag). “Kinley is no longer in the Alliance.”
Now we move to a moment later in the day. I can tell because the camera focuses on an old bucket as it washes up on shore. See, I’m not stupid. I know time-passing imagery when I see it. Hmmm. Is this a challenge? What does the bucket mean?
Carole. “We had another challenge too, the hardest one yet.” Brief, brief quick-cut scenes (like maybe 1.3 seconds worth) of a torch, Bozo, running campers, and Amanda vomiting. Immediately we shift to a later Immunity Challenge.
Stop the tape! WTF? What happened? You can’t announce the hardest challenge of them all, then not show it! If you’re not going to show us the challenge then don’t announce the durn thing! Sheesh! Show us 1.3 seconds of Carole’s boobs or something. (Oh, wait. You already did that a couple of times. Sorry.)
For those who like to track such things, we have now seen Amanda vomit three times. She is either very highly strung, or really, really sick of the whole eXiled Island thing.
Amanda in confessional. “My marker is coming up again. I need immunity bad.” Amanda’s alliance has been decimated by eXile and dropouts, and her hopes of winning are very diminished.
Graham. “Amanda has to win every single immunity from now on, which I think she can do.” Oh goodie, Graham has his Cocky Hat back on. The damage wasn’t permanent.
Carole. “Amanda could win. I underestimated her at first, but look at her. She is ripped.” We see Amanda from the rear, looking ripped and ready. She is definitely the strongest of the women.
Amanda. “Carole is not the sweet, innocent little thing she pretends to be! She says she desperately needs the money for school, then mentions that she models every Wednesday for $50.00 an hour. Fifty dollars! She doesn’t need the money!”
Now we see Carole in semi-profile, sitting in the surf in a teeny-weeny wet bikini. She looks first into the distance, then coyly makes eye-contact with the camera’s lense. She moves her shoulders just enough that her boobage moves too. Wow. I think we will see Carole in next year’s Swimsuit Edition Calendar from Playboy. I mean, she just auditioned here—didn’t she?
Jade, still in the Hard Rock Café t-shirt. “Then we had another challenge for immunity. I was excused because I already had immunity.”
The scene shifts to Bozo, who explains the upcoming challenge, which I call Bobbing For Immunity. It’s a race against the clock. Each camper must run from the start to a bucket of salt water containing one apple. They have to bob for the apple, grip it with their teeth and run with apple in their mouth to a red circle on the ground about 100 yards away. They can’t touch the apple with their hand. If the apple falls from their mouth they have to return to the start. And that’s not all. After they drop the apple into the circle they have to run across the island, get a torch, light it, then run back to the start by way of the shoreline. Since it is high tide, part of the return run will be in knee deep surf. Sounds grueling.
Graham. “Someone has to beat Amanda!”
Graham goes first and seems to do well.
Jeff runs like a cartoon stick man, but covers ground quickly.
Carole is determined and, well, just a bit bouncy.
Kinley looks whipped. I don’t think running is her thing.
Meg, LOOK—IT’S MEG! She is on this show! I almost forgot.
Amanda has trouble with her apple. They show her walking, not running, with her head tilted all the way back holding the apple in her mouth by lip suction alone. I guess she bit into the apple too far and a bite-sized chunk came out. She must be one hell of a kisser!
Amanda was the last to begin the timed challenge, and is the last to finish. She hands her torch to Bozo, then promptly leans over and vomits. And vomits some more. The other campers watch her in fascinated distaste.
Carole. “Amanda just vomited, right there in front of everyone! It was so disgusting. When I purge, I always do it in secret—where no one can see me.”
Bozo tallys the time counts and announces the Immunity Challenge winner.
Graham. 5 min, 38 seconds and 11/100th seconds.
Carole. 6 min, 50 seconds and 46/100th seconds.
Kinley. 7 min, 8 seconds and 36/100th seconds.
Meg’s torch went out. Disqualified.
Amanda. 5 min, 38 seconds and 00/100th seconds. Amanda beat Graham by 11/100th of a second! Holy cow, has she won immunity again? Wait, wait… Bozo forgot about Jeff.
Jeff. 5 min, 11 seconds and 00/100th seconds! Jeff wins!
How could Jeff win so decisively? He’s just a skinny geek and everyone else (well, except Kinley) is a ripped athlete. How can this be? Maybe he is like Legolas in Lord of the Rings, with an Elf-like body so light he can walk or jump right over obstacles that would stymie mere mortals. Remember in the first movie, when the Fellowship was slugging it’s way through the mountain snow on the way to Mordor? Everyone else was mired in knee deep snow, but Legolas was so lightweight he could walk right on top of the snow! Maybe on the way back Jeff didn’t have to struggle through knee deep water. Maybe he walked on top. Holy Moley! The last time a nice Jewish boy walked on water, well, you know what happened!
Jeff accepts the Immunity Idol with a kiss (for the idol, not Bozo.) He makes a little speech. “This is so incredible.” “My first win all on my own!” “I wanted to win so much, this is an incredibly sweet victory.” He kisses the idol again. At home, I am freaking out. See, while he says all this, Jeff has a large towel draped over his head making him look like some kind of biblical figure. The kind who walks on water.
Cocky Graham salutes Jeff’s victory. “Thanks, Jeff. We needed this win, and it was all you, buddy.”
Scene shift again. It is dark now. The campers are marching to eXile Court with their torches held high.
I love eXile Court. It is brilliant! This show found a way for the backstabbing contestants to actually stab their victims in the back! Okay, they are really just sticking their ‘X’ spear into a bucket of sand behind the person, but they have to raise it high and slam it down with authority so it doesn’t fall out. This makes a wonderful schluck sound, like a blade into flesh. I love it! So much more visceral than the paper ballots of Survivor. I wish the producers would linger on the stabbing a bit more, but they kind of speed through it. It’s hard to see who votes for whom and there is no summary given at the end. So, this is as good a tally as I can come up with: (Each person votes to eXile two candidates. If they don’t get an ‘X’ spear in the back, contestants get a ‘dummy’ spear with a dolphin or something on it, so they can’t be sure who votes to eject whom. Jeff and Jade are immune, but allowed to vote.)
Jeff. Votes Kinley and ?
Amanda. Votes Kinley and ?
Jade. Votes Kinley and Meg
Kinley. Votes Graham and Carole
Graham. Votes Amanda and ?
Meg. Votes Amanda and Kinley
Carole. Votes Amanda and Kinley
Bozo announces that Amanda and Kinley received the most votes. Now those two must compete against each other, with the loser of that contest getting eXiled. The five campers who are safe are asked to leave. Bozo passes out pencil and paper.
Amanda tells Kinley, “Please win. Please beat me. I don’t want to be here anymore. All my friends are gone.” No, Amanda! DON’T CHOKE! You’re the best person out there! You don’t lie. You always smile. You have kind words for everyone. You don’t backstab. You’re ripped, for Pete’s sake. Everyone likes you. Even Manesh liked you! Don’t choke now, girl. You can beat Kinley at anything! I know you can! If you give up now, it’s like conceding that skinny-ass blondes and smart-ass cocky guys rule the world! Keep fighting! But Amanda is deep in a down - downer mood swing. She’s choking, folks, right before our eyes.
Bozo details the contest. You have to write a number. You have 2 minutes to determine this number and the first person who gets it correctly wins. This is the number you need to determine: how many letters are there in the first names of all the eXiled contestants?
I imagine the theme music from Jeopardy playing. Doot, doot, do-do doot do do… Kinley makes scratch and hatch marks on her paper. Amanda looks dazed and slowly writes something down. The camera won’t focus on it.
Bozo announces Times Up. Kinley shows her answer sheet, with the number ‘61’ writ large. Bozo says wrong. Then Amanda shows her answer sheet on which is written ‘David I Love You.’ “That’s my final answer,” she says. Oh crap. The best woman out there just threw in the towel. I take back all the nice things I said earlier. Amanda, Amanda… Life is a marathon with hurdles to be jumped. If you can’t jump those high hurdles—well, some morning you may wake up fat, forty and living in a trailer park outside Tupelo.
Kinley wins because even though her answer is wrong, it is closer to the correct number than is Amanda’s no-numeral copout.
Amanda slaps the red dye on her hand, and places her mark next to Manesh’s. Kinley returns to camp.
Next time on eXiled, the name of the game is Revenge! Will Graham keep his cocky hat on? Will Jeff lose more weight? Will the women keep turning on each other, instead of taking out the two remaining guys? And why do they show a clip of eXiled Ryan, laughing maliciously! He’s not coming back—is he?
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