BIG BROTHER 3 -- EPISODE 23 OFFICIAL SUMMARY
"Six Down ... Half A Dozen To Go"
By AyaK

Episode 23. Wow. Seven and a half weeks down, only three weeks to go. But … wait … we’ve only reached the halfway point! Huh? And they added another week? Yep, tonight the sixth hamster will leave the treadmill, but six cunning little hamsters will still remain in the house. Welcome once again to another hour of The Slowest Show on Television™.

Life hasn’t been much fun in BB3land this week. HoH Jason decided to play it safe and nominate Gerry and Amy, the two least-liked players in the house. The nominations served one purpose: they kept his Trust and Alliance (the “T & A”) with Danielle and Lisa a secret from Roddy and Marcellus. However, they eliminated what might have been the T & A’s best shot to get rid of Roddy, with no guarantee that Roddy won’t get rid of them next if he becomes HoH next. But Roddy seems to be oblivious to the trouble coming after him. Don’t look back, Roddy, something might be gaining on you.

The current twists of strategy so far once again brings back memories of the Bruce Lee movie, “Enter the Dragon.” For the three of you who have seen it, Bruce tells people that he specializes in the art of “fighting without fighting.” He could fight (oh, yessss, he could fight), but he preferred to outwit his enemies instead of outmuscling them. Who in BB3 is following this example? Dani. So far, she has succeeded in keeping the existence of the T & A unknown inside the cage (of course, once each hamster gets out of the cage, thanks to Dani, he or she isn’t very pleased to find that he or she was played for a fool on national TV … but fools are born, not made). Dani wasn’t thrilled about Jason’s failure to nominate Roddy, but in this case, youth was served (and not served up as the next eviction, either) … booting Gerry is popular even with Gerry’s erstwhile ally Roddy. No more snoring – peace and quiet – another chance for Roddy to break down Lisa’s resistance and cuckold Eric ….

Even Marci disses Gerry, noting that the hamsters should have begun voting out the ugly ones in week 1. Well, Marci, if they had, you’d be back home by now.

Everybody from Maine to Hawaii knows that Gerry’s remaining time in the cage can be measured in minutes. Amy knows it – that’s why she didn’t save Gerry after she won veto; she knew that this was the best opponent for her. Even Gerry knows it. So, naturally, Roddy wants to spend time with Gerry, trying to win Gerry’s support in the final vote. Uh, Roddy … do you remember a guy on Survivor: Africa named Silas, who said in the fourth episode that they could write him the check right now, because he was going to win? And then, in the VERY NEXT vote, he was gone? dangerkitty even named a handy-dandy gadget after him: the Silas Asinine Comment (SAC) Tracker – “When a dickhead isn’t enough, add a SAC” – and it never got much of a chance to be used. Let’s test it out: <ping>. Still works! Maybe it’s time to see how it works on Roddy…

Roddy talks about how everyone sees him as a threat. Nope, the SAC Tracker is quiet, so he’s probably right. Then he goes on to talk about why people see him as a threat: because he’s so smart <ping> <ping>. Gerry tells Roddy that the “perception in the house” is that Roddy is “smarter than everyone” <ping>. Brief pause. “But you’re not,” says Gerry. Roddy nods <ping>. Then the words finally sink in, and he reacts, stunned and a little outraged, “Are you saying I’m not smart?” <ping> <ping> <ping>. Oops, the SAC Tracker is starting to smoke – time to put it away again.

Back inside the cage, Julie Chen is doing her best to be perky and sexy. I’ve never quite understood “perky.” If it means that you’re supposed to behave like you’re wired from drinking too much coffee, and you say disconnected, crazy stuff, then Julie has it down pat. Julie asks Roddy how it feels not to be nominated, and he says that it feels like he’s “been paroled” <ping>. Didn’t I turn that thing off? Anyway, Roddy, you hamsters have enough prison time amongst you that you should know the difference between a furlough and a parole. With a furlough, you just get a few days off; with a parole, you’re out completely, though you have to check back in sometimes. Kind of like the BOOTED hamsters, not the remaining ones. You’ll get your parole soon enough, Roddy.

Julie asks Roddy who he misses the most. “Chiara.” No surprise there; he’s been resorting to Mr. Hand in the shower since she left. Then she asks Lisa the same question. “Eric.” What is this, couples reunion time? The Dating Game? “Bachelorette Number 1, if you were sharing a bedroom with some sleazy guy who thought he was God’s gift to the human race, would you sleep with him, or would you still miss me?” “Oh, gee, Eric, I’d still miss you, and I’d keep missing you right until I had that half-mil in my pocket thanks to your vote …”

Now Julie tells the hamsters that it’s going to get tougher for them: the nice bedroom, aka the Map Room, aka the High Rent District, aka HRD (aka WTF? as Julie keeps blithering on), is going to be closed, which will force someone back onto a cot at night. Dani volunteers to take the cot.

In its weekly desperate effort to kill time, the BB3 cameras focus in on Jason’s family. Jason looks like The All-American Boy in his profile. Everyone loves him. He’s a friend to all. Sugar wouldn’t melt in his mouth. No wonder they chose him as a hamster; he must have been the only applicant without a police record as long as your arm. Jason’s parents seem to be just like him, and they fawn over their baby boy. Then the subject of Chiara comes up … and we see the differing reactions that a somewhat-attractive and very loose woman inspire in men and women, as personified by Jason’s parents:

Jason’s dad: Jason was attracted by Kinki’s “outgoing nature.” (Yeah, kinda like the way male dogs are attracted by the “outgoing nature” of female dogs in heat.) Jason might want to pursue “some kind of relationship” with Kinki once he’s out of the cage. (Probably a relationship sort of like this: “Here’s my hotel room key; I’ll meet you there in twenty minutes; but we’ve gotta hurry, because I have a meeting in an hour.” Might Jason’s dad have had a few “relationships” like that when he was Jason’s age? I wonder…)

Jason’s mom: I was “distressed” to see Jason talking about Kinki. (She probably wants to have Jason checked for VD just from sleeping in the same house as Chiara.) A relationship? “I don’t agree.” (“If Chiara ever soils the door to my home, Jason’s gonna find out how skillful I am with a butcher knife. You bring a slut like that home, boy, I could end up doing a Jerry Springer Show with Lorena Bobbitt. Do you know the word gelded, Jason?”)

Now Julie Chen is in Jason’s HoH room. But no action. Guess facelifts don’t turn Jason on.

Jason says that he didn’t nominate Roddy because he promised Chiara before last week’s eviction vote that, if he won HoH next, he wouldn’t nominate Roddy. Ooh, a secret promise between Jason and Chiara! Wonder what OTHER secret promises they might have made, huh, mom? At that thought, Jason’s mom’s heart stops, and the Mobile paramedics have to revive her. No, wait, she’s just asleep. Come on, CBS, Mark Burnett crams THREE DAYS into an hour, and you’re trying to show us an hour LIVE? Give it up!

Jason reveals the secret of how the hamsters stay awake through this hour: they’re on a “sugar high” thanks to those dee-licious Dunkin’ Donuts. Well, maybe if all of America got free donuts, too, then this wouldn’t seem so bad. Hey there, Warren … sorry, Mr. Buffett … think you can get your affiliates at Allied Dominq to give us all a “sugar high”? No? Well, see if any of us invest $70,000 in one share of stock in your company, Berkshire Hathaway, after this!

Wait a minute, if any of us had $70,000 to invest in ONE SHARE of stock, we’d have too many other, much more intersting things to do to be watching this crap. Scratch that threat.

Now we head into the Diary Room, to hear everyone trash Amy and Gerry to all of America. Marcellas says that Gerry acts like his dad, and he doesn’t need another dad … he already had to dismember the first one and scatter the parts among several burial sites, and he doesn’t want to go through that again. Lisa makes it clear that she likes Amy since her return and doesn’t like being lectured to by Gerry.

But do we see the other two voters now? We do not. Instead, we see Eric, back at the fire station and about to be suspended. He says that he and Lisa were “familiarizing ourselves with each other’s bodies,” and he expresses a desire to resume this familiarity when the show is over. He says that he understands that Lisa has her own strategy for winning the game, and he’ll like her even better if she has a half-mil more when he gets her alone again. In a clip, we see that Lisa is looking forward to a date with Eric “without cameras.” Oh, have we become shy now, Lisa? Or … could it be … that she wants to try out some of the moves that Kinki was describing?

Hey, we’ve already got one porn pro on reality TV (Brian from Survivor: Thailand); maybe it’s time for Lisa and Eric to abandon the amateur ranks and advance to the big time: Sin-emax. But I digress.

Back to the DR. Apparently we had the break because it’s Roddy’s turn, and once again we need to travel to the Bizarro World.

Roddy says that Amy is “a little selfish.” OK. Then Roddy says that he might consider keeping Gerry around “for selfish reasons,” because Gerry owes him a favor. OK, so, it’s a problem if Amy is selfish, but it’s OK for you to be selfish, Rod-man? You’re a real charmer. It appears Roddy is the kind of guy who would sleep with his best friend’s girlfriend and his girlfriend’s best friend, and then blame both his best friend and his girlfriend for breaking his trust when they brought it up. Might get away with that with Kinki, boy, but n-o-t with any of the remaining hamsters.

Dani talks about how much she likes Gerry and how he’s helped her through some tough times, while she calls Amy a “spoiled child.” Clearly Dani thinks that some kind words at the end will help her get Gerry’s vote in the finale, because we know who’s going, and it ain’t Amy.

Now Julie wants to blither with Amy and Gerry. Amy says that she’s a “professional Big Brother nominee,” since this is her third time in the chairs. Gerry says, “Carpe diem!” No, Gerry, Robin Williams you aren’t. You’re just a sad old man who needs his Geritol.

Time for Julie to announce the vote, and FINALLY she seizes the day! “By a vote of four to nothing, Amy …” Time stops. Amy loses her bladder control. T & A look at each other to see who broke their sacred bond and why. Gerry actually starts to believe that he might get a chance to insult everyone, snore, and generally be an all-around pain in the a$$ for another week. Roddy wonders if he wrote down the wrong name despite his superintelligence. “… you can unpack your bags.” What, has Julie been watching American Idol or something? Where did this come from? Maybe she realizes how dull she is and wanted to try to do better. Naah.

Gerry tells everyone not to get up because he knows the way out. But no one trusts him any more, so they ALL accompany him to the door, to be sure that he is REALLY, REALLY GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More dead air as everyone mills about. Now we know why live TV is gone. Gerry finally makes his way to see Julie. He quotes Hamlet: “Readiness is all.” Awww, how cute – does that mean he was ready to go home, or that he knew everyone else was ready to get his pompous, overfed carcass out the door? He says that he’s pulling for Dani to win and thinks Jason may regret trusting Roddy. Clearly he has no clue about T & A. Then … a huge semi pulls up, and out waddles Gerry’s family. Good heavens, his daughter looks like she should be a pro football player, with her bulk. He’s the thinnest of the bunch … and only because he lost weight on the show. My mind glazes, as I imagine what Mark Burnett could do to these people in a month. The four of them could lose five or six third-graders! Gerry breaks down in tears … whether from emotion or the shame of being the smallest, I couldn’t tell.

Final messages from the hamsters: only Lisa says what everyone is really thinking – I wish it had been me who nominated you, you pain. Everyone else solicits his vote by saying nice, kind, sweet things about voter #6. Kinda makes you wish for a return to old-fashioned insincerity (hi, Dr. Will!).

Finally, we get to the HoH competition, and Jason gets to relax while everyone else gets two paddles and bends over and … no, wait, they’re just supposed to hold up the paddle, red paddle for True, black paddle for False. No S & M for T & A, huh unh. Multiple choice, and no one can see the other answers, because everyone has his or her own “lane.” It looks like parallel runways at an airport.

The questions are all about who the dear departed hamsters chose from the remaining hamsters.

First question, did Chiara say that Marci was the neatest?
Second question, did Josh pick Lisa as the most likely to pose for Playboy or Playgirl?
Third question, did Lori choose Roddy to set up with her best friend?
Fourth question, did Josh pick Dani as the one he would lend money to?
Fifth question, did Eric pick Lisa as the sloppiest?

One miss and you’re out. Everyone gets the first two, which are both true. On question 3, the two T & A players both answer true, even though it is obviously false, and the right answer is T & A’s own Jason. Hmmm. Very suspicious. Question 4 is true, but everyone misses it. Question 5 is also true, but Roddy and Amy miss it, so Marci wins HoH.

Wait … Marci wins HoH? Does this mean that all of Roddy’s efforts to seduce him in the hot tub will finally pay off? Or … will Roddy merely have the endurance of Silas and wind up finished in a quick spurt after just a little action? Could T & A have an effect on Marci after all? All of those answers will be brought to you by drawde236 and AMAI in the Week 8 summaries.

For now … at least we’re halfway home. We're coming through the backstretch. See you on the clubhouse turn.