LAST EDITED ON 12-31-02 AT 07:23 PM (EST)

EXILED EPISODE 4 – “Just Boot Me”

Last time on eXiled: Graham and Amanda went on a secret date quest and discovered clean water and pizza, which they chose to not reveal to the others. Amanda then scrambled for it and won the morning after safety pardon. At Elimination Court outspoken Manesh and BMOC John were voted to face off in sudden death competition. John choked on pig, Manesh went “Wee Wee Wee!”

NIGHT SIX

While Manesh and John were trying to eat head cheese or whatever, the other seven stumbled in the dark on their way back to camp.

Amanda: Sob Sob Sob! The last people I want to leave, leave! Every time!

Jade: Amanda and I kind of feel outnumbered.

Graham: It’s good versus evil.

For those of you taking notes, that was one emotional outburst, one statement of the obvious, and one seriously delusional fantasy.

A bit later back at camp as they cooked rice, Jeff stood around contemplating his great master plan, or maybe his next war paint masterpiece, or maybe he was just waiting. Off camera one of the ladies said something about fun fun fun. Oh, goody, Manesh is back!

Manesh (checking the fire): It’s funny, there are two losers standing in front of me thinking they’re going to win the game.

Jeff: Why do you think I think I’m going to win the game?

Manesh: Jeff, go grab yourself a pair of balls.

Psych majors throughout the country were frantically taking notes in hopes of high marks for their term papers on “The Effects of Male Honker Envy On (fill in the blank).”

Manesh: You voted off John, the best player, so the game isn’t about what’s right and wrong and all the praying we do at night.

Very good, Manesh is finally catching on, just as Graham seems to be losing his grip on reality. Oh, wait, he meant that as an accusation! Darn darn darn.

Meg: On seeing Manesh at the fire we all started praying once again to the higher powers. He’d already started up!

Meg, I think it’s all part of Manesh’s master plan to drive everyone into faking a health issue in order to get away from him, which so far has proven a very effective strategy.

Manesh: I know that the four of you standing here (Jeff, Meg, Kinley, Carole) voted John and me off! I know that for a fact!

Carole: You’ve already said loud enough for anybody to hear that you didn’t like anybody here.

Kinley: I’ve been civil to you and had decent conversations.

Manesh: I’m always civil to you.

Kinley: Always? Don’t say always.

Manesh: Maybe I’m not subtle. I feel like I’m surrounded by a bunch of little people.

Way to prove a point, Manesh! He is definitely not subtle. Even Meg had to come out from under the radar to start clapping and cheering for that very entertaining display.

Manesh: You’re weird.

Then Carole and Manesh went head to head, face to face, fingers and arms gesturing, words flying fast and furious! Unfortunately, before it came down to them throwing themselves into each other’s arms for passionate lovemaking, Jeff found his balls and broke it up.

Jeff: You need to calm down, man. You’ve got mental problems.

Oh, yeah, that one always works like a charm. I mean, if you are competing in a reality show and someone else is losing it and you want to push that person even further over the edge because it works for your strategy, that’s when it works like a charm. Always.

Manesh: This is my way of expressing myself! It’s open! It’s straight up! It’s right in your face! Does that scare you!

Kinley: No! We’ve been listening to it the whole time we’ve been here!

Manesh (having decided he’d made his point and showed them): Hey, I can still have some of that rice, right, because we’re all civil?

Just then Amanda and Graham returned from whatever they’d been up to in the bushes in the dark somewhere. Amanda rushed up to Manesh all blubbery and so on.

Amanda (hugging Manesh): I didn’t expect to see you back, I really didn’t!

Pretty much everyone was on that page, Amanda, pretty much everyone. And then Amanda and Manesh strolled off hand in hand for a walk on the beach. I hope you were all taking good notes because that’s a pretty good strategy even in real life situations. Kudos, Amanda! Make love not war.

DAY SEVEN

Another gorgeous morning on Exiled Island, the surf breaking pleasantly, gulls fishing for breakfast, butterflies dutifully pollinating flowers. Then Manesh awoke. He commented on losing the game, saying if you lose then it doesn’t really matter when you lose, you might as well lose first if you’re going to lose. I really seriously have to agree with Mr. Hindu here, losing is losing no matter when it happens.

Jeff: I’ve had it with Manesh. Not only is he my least favorite person on the island, he’s one of my least favorite people I’ve ever met. He doesn’t shut up! He just keeps repeating the same crap!

Well, Jeff, I’m with you about the repeating crap thing, but not shutting up seems to be something they look for in reality contestants. Let’s face it, if they had an entire cast trying to fly under the radar … well, that might actually be pretty funny, they should try it sometime.

Manesh: I think a lot of people have not been sharing their thoughts, their true feelings. I think they’re afraid.

Out on the beach, in admiration of Manesh’s balls, the crabs danced their happy dance.

Later, it turned out to be time for Mail! Kinley and Jade found a model boat and an umbrella, read about “A Prize Worth Sweating For!” Yes, they’re going to make them sweat! This should be good. I couldn’t catch the whole poem but it said they would compete in sweat and heat! Yes yes yes!

So the remaining eight all gathered on Challenge Beach with Mutant Jason. I’m going to take it easy on the guy this time because he seems to be having an exceptionally bad wig day. I mean, it looks like the thing is starting to harden, and it has taken on the shape of a gull’s head or something, but if I even start to go into it there is such a wealth of bird-brained riffs I could get into that I might write myself into yet another motif.

However, for all of you out there studying linguistics, I will note that the word “youguys” seems to be standard Mutantese.

Mutant Jason: Have any of youguys ever been buried alive?

Well, it turned out that eight body-sized holes had been dug in the sand, and they were told to each pick a hole.

Mutant Jason: What we’re going to do, youguys are going to lay down, you’ll be buried up to your necks. If we see any other part of your body besides your neck and your head – a toe, a finger, your shoulders, anything – you’re out of the game. The last two standing (sic) are going to get a pardon tonight. And (pointing to the boat out in the water) the last two will get a nice ride out in the ocean to cool off.

Hey, it’s the coffin challenge from Survivor: Outback! Wow! You know, the coffin challenge the hoax guys came up with, the one that Tina was technically supposed to have won after a day and a half when they got tired of waiting for her to emerge, opened up her coffin, and discovered she’d passed away and become mummified, that coffin challenge. Neat, someone finally figured out a way to do it for real!

So, the eight of them got in their holes, the crew people moved in to shovel sand. Close-up shot of Carole looking hot in her power bikini as the sand hits her and causes some erotic jiggling. Uh-oh, is this foreshadowing? Will the power rack give her a disadvantage in this particular game?

Soon enough, all eight are buried, they are just heads on the sand.

Carole: They buried us in sand. You’re thinking the same thing I’m thinking: So, you’re buried in sand.

Graham: I’d never felt the weight of anything like that pushing on my chest. At first it was kind of hard to breathe but then my muscles loosened up and I got used to it.

Then we were treated to shots of eight heads on the sand, all of them not moving. Hotly not moving. Under the radar not moving. Intently not moving. Deviously not moving. Sweetly not moving. Gruffly not moving. Proudly not moving. Method acting a rock. And then … even more not moving! How do they think of this stuff!

Wait, I think I saw some movement! Manesh wiggles … wiggles some more … Manesh shows shoulder! Manesh is out at the four-minute mark! Asked why he decided to get out after only four minutes, Manesh said he just didn’t want to do it. I’ll take it easy on the guy since he was the only one of the players who hadn’t had the foresight to wear a hat and sunglasses to Challenge Beach. Besides, it might be unrealistic or racist or something to expect that a seriously proud representing go-getter Hindu might know a little bit of yoga, you know.

At the 15-minute mark Jason played his first trick of the game, removed all of their hats and sunglasses. They promised us sweat and heat. A bit later he brought out a couple of pieces of fried chicken bribe, if any of them decide to quit now they can have chow! He waves the chicken bribe in front of their faces, one at a time, tempting them all. Graham longingly remembered his days hanging out at KFC between classes, but refused to cave. Then a couple of pieces of pizza bribe were thrown in to sweeten the deal.

Jeff: I’m too hungry to pass this up.

And so Jeff dug himself free for the chow and commented that he was skinny enough to begin with and could really use some protein. Actually, he didn’t mention the skinny thing, but it would have been good strategy if he had, so as not to engender too much resentment among the others. But I’ll take it easy on the guy this time because I don’t want to be accused of male honker envy.

We then were treated to some shots of ravenous Jeff chowing down. Coeds throughout the country observed his technique. The French judge gave him low marks for artistic interpretation. Well, it happens!

A little bit later Meg made the mistake of trying to roll over in her sleep, showed shoulder, and was punished for losing by being forced to have a conversation with Mutant Jason while still too groggy to think strategically. High marks to Jason here for catching Meg in a hypnagogic state.

Meg: The Fabulous Five is Kinley, Jeff, Graham, Carole and me. As far as I know we’re united until we reach the five point.

And so it came out! It’s what everyone knew anyway but now it is out there in the open.

Jade: The Fabulous Five, the first time I’ve heard that, it really just pissed me off. Why don’t they all just get up and get out then if they’re so fabulous and five? They don’t need the pardon, obviously – they’re the Fabulous Five!

Well, there are five Fabs, three targets, and two pardons, so if you do the math it becomes clear that one of the Fabs has to win one of the pardons in order to ensure that they can send two targets into sudden death elimination. But I’ll take it easy on Jade this time because aspiring actresses are supposed to be dramatic. That was actually very nicely done, Jade.

A while later Graham gave up and started making excuses.

Graham: I lasted about three hours in the sand and then I started cramping real bad. I don’t know. I know I pissed off Amanda and Jade, they said I’m cocky.

Then he wandered off a bit perversely pleased with his own crampy cockiness, but I’ll take it easy on the guy this time because I just really really really don’t want to go there.

At the three-hour mark, with only four ladies remaining, the game took a sadomasochistic turn as Mutant Jason dumped hermit crabs on their heads. They screamed, they gritted their teeth, they screamed, it was hot and sweaty. Amanda cried. Jade and Kinley closed their eyes and prayed to the higher powers. Hunter Carole tried to put the bite on the crabs, waste not want not!

When the crabs were done with, Mutant Jason brought out the Pardon Tiki Man and tickled their noses with its feathery hairpiece, which unfortunately isn’t nearly as laugh-inducing as his own. But still it was effective.

Amanda (laughing): That’s not fair! That’s not fair!

After that (around the 3.5-hour mark) Carole decided to call it quits because her power rack strategy called for it.

Carole: I’m so proud because all of the guys cracked before me. I rock!

Then we were treated to a scene of hot and sweaty Carole cooling off in the water, primping, surrounded by all the guys naturally.

Manesh: Am I getting voted off tonight?

Graham: I know what you’re trying to do and I don’t like it.

Manesh: What am I trying to do?

Graham: Just stop, this is supposed to be Carole-watching time.

So Manesh went back to the sand to try another tack with the captive heads and Meg.

Manesh: They’re going to screw you.

Unfortunately, Mutant Jason then announced that they had reached the four-hour mark and the game would be going to phase two, so whatever else Manesh may have been thinking of trying to pull off will just remain a mystery. Darn it, why do so many of these reality players wait too long to make their play?

Mutant Jason: Congratulations, you’ve made it to the four-hour mark, youguys have been under the sand for four hours! Now we’re going to phase two. The first two to touch the Tiki Man, which is out on the boat out there, will get the pardon and the trip.

Then he blasted his horn to start the race.

Amanda and Jade scramble out of the sand!
Kinley struggles, she can’t seem to get coordinated!
Amanda and Jade get into their life preservers and hit the water!
Kinley finally follows them, gets into her life preserver, hits the water!
Amanda and Jade are way ahead of Kinley, crawling towards Tiki!
Kinley goes belly up!
No wait, she kicks into a backstroke!
Amanda has a slight lead on Jade as they struggle to swim!
The others cheer from the shore, Kinley closes the distance!
Amanda reaches Tiki Man for the pardon!
Kinley powers past Jade, reaches Tiki Man for the pardon!

Jade: I was pretty upset, I was pissed off. No one cheered for me except Manesh.

So, Amanda and Kinley got to enjoy their boat ride around the island. Jade could only watch from afar and hope that Amanda would pick up on whatever strategy Manesh had tried to start on the beach.

Later, back at camp, it was hammock and confession time.

Jeff (wearing camouflage): The reason we’re calling ourselves the Fabulous Five is that we feel the five of us are very rock solid and very strong together. We make a good team and we plan on being the last five people here.

Amanda: Carole, Graham and Meg, the three of them are not breaking any kind of alliance any time soon. Jeff and Kinley, they’re liking the fact that they are on the winning side.

Manesh: I think the Fabulous Five is ridiculous.

Jade: We’re going to Elimination Court tonight and I’m feeling real vulnerable.

Jeff then explained that the reason the Fabs are wearing camouflage tonight is because it is Manesh hunting season and they’re hoping for a good kill.

Manesh: We did mention to Kinley and Meg today – if they wanted to go along with me, Jade and Amanda – how we’re going to vote. If they’re scared of what the others will do, that’s all we can do right now. I really think if I can come back again after tonight then I can win this game. How big a surprise that would be!

Nothing much happened in camp while all this was going on because they were all recuperating from laying in the sand. Jeff also mentioned that Manesh is stupid if he thinks acting like an ass is going to keep him on the island, I guess he doesn’t believe in the get to the final two with the biggest jerk you can find strategy. Psych majors should take note, counter-effect is as valid a part of the equation as effect. And then it was off to Elimination Court.

Mutant Jason: You had a long day today. Four hours that game went that gave Amanda and Kinley the pardon for tonight. They cannot be exiled, but one of the rest of youguys will be leaving tonight.

He then explained the voting ritual again, I still don’t understand fully yet but hopefully one of these days, you know. Then he asked Amanda how good it felt to be safe again at Elimination Court. Naturally, she was happy she was safe and didn’t have to listen to the “nerve-wracking” sound of the poles sinking into the sand behind her. So then he asked Kinley how she felt about being pardoned. Kinley was happy she’d pulled through for the team, but she wisely didn’t actually say that, instead made it about personal accomplishment. Then, finally, they went to vote.

So, okay, each player has two real X votes to cast, but they also have to sink blank non-votes into the sand behind those they aren’t voting for or something, which means that for tonight’s show a total of 40 votes were cast but only 16 of them counted, something like that. Naturally, they can’t show every vote, there wouldn’t be time left in the episode for showing Carole’s power rack, so this is the edited what we see version:

Meg put the X to Manesh, Kinley put the X to Jade, Jade put the X to Jeff, Amanda put the X to Graham and Jeff, Manesh put the X to Jeff, Jeff put the X to Manesh, Graham put the X to Jade; all we saw of Carole was she Blanked Jeff. Boy, I bet he was proud when he saw that!

Mutant Jason: The voting is done, Amanda and Kinley are pardoned and totally safe. The two people with the most votes are going to stay here, the rest of youguys are going to go back to camp. Jade and Manesh, one of youguys will be exiled tonight.

Jade and Manesh high-fived at the news, then rushed up to console Amanda with hugs and kisses and words of encouragement and words of endearment and copping feels.

Manesh: We love you, Amanda!

Jade: It’s okay, Amanda, don’t cry!

Manesh: The Fabulous Five came through!

It was really a very touching scene, it really really was. Then the Fabs and Amanda left to go back to camp, time for the sudden death elimination round. Oh boy, what will they get to eat tonight?

Jason produced a sampler tray of what appears to be rocks and shells. Wow! Before long they’ll have progressed to nails and broken glass, then biting the heads off chickens, this geek show really is a geek show! Wow!

But then Jason gave them a break, he decided to not make them eat the objects. Rats rats rats! Well, it turned out that there are five objects with an X marked on their undersides, this will be a game of chance with the first one picking three X’es being the one to be exiled tonight. Fantastic. Manesh, observing the women and children first chivalry, allowed Jade to draw first, and she was just sucker enough to buy it (do the math!).

Jade draws Blank.
Manesh draws X.
Jade draws Blank.
Manesh draws X.
Jade draws X.

Mutant Jason: Jade has 1 X, Manesh has 2.

Manesh draws Blank.
Jade draws Blank.
Manesh draws Blank.
Jade draws Blank.
Manesh draws Blank.
Jade draws X.

Mutant Jason: Right now the game is tied, the next one to pick up an X is exiled.

Manesh draws Blank. Two objects remain.

Mutant Jason: Jade, choose one of those two objects.

Manesh: I’m closing my eyes, you just tell me.

Jade draws Blank!

Manesh: I’m exiled.

And in a sporting gesture he drew the last object with the last X.

Manesh: Think positive, the Fabulous Five cannot take over.

Jade (laughing): The Terrific Two!

So, Manesh slapped his paw print on the eXiled logo and walked the walk of shame.

Manesh (final words): I think I did win the game. I learned a lot about myself throughout this experience. This experience has been one of the coolest experiences of my life. I came here honest, true to myself, and hoping to be a good person.

Huh? Whatever happened to losing is losing no matter when it happens? Geez, just when I was starting to like the guy.

Be here next time when the girls realize they don’t need the guys.

Kinley: We don’t need the guys.

And everyone has to pick the person they least like who is still on the island! Not to mention the scene where Carole gets in the water and points to her power rack. Hotchacha!

ARRRRRRR!!!!