LAST EDITED ON 12-18-02 AT 12:34 PM (EST)

This is a summary of Episode 2 of eXiled. If it has a title, I couldn’t figure out what it is. I’m watching the show on videotape -- the only way to see it, unless you live on a college campus.

Last time on eXiled, Nick, the White guy who dates only Black women was bitten by some Brown spiders while sleeping under a Green tree. He got some Purple welts on his Alabaster skin, which made him feel Blue. So the Orange-headed host gave him a Pink slip and he left for medical reasons. This is such a colorful show.

EXiled Episode 2 "The Power of Bugs"

After the opening credits roll, we get some stock beach footage—waves crashing on rocks, little crabs running on sand, birds flying, crap like that. It is Day 3. The eXiled tribe has divided itself into 2 groups, defined by who you are sleeping with. (Well, what did you expect? These are college students. Who you sleep with defines you.) So we have the Beach-Sleepers alliance of Manesh, Ryan, Kavita, John and Amanda versus the Campsite-Sleepers Carole, Graham, Jeff, Kinley and Meg. Jade says she isn’t in any alliance and doesn’t need sleep anyway.

Opening confessional sequence:

Amanda. “I miss the people at home, my family and boyfriend, so much! I never expected that. It’s, like, a shock.”

Kinley. “Amanda is really missing home. She may want us to vote her off.” Okay, Amanda has entered the radar as a possible boot this episode. Or is it misdirection?

Ryan. “I stink. There is no way to wash so I stink. I mean, I smell awful!” Leans into the camera, speaks slowly, “I. Smell. Terrible!” Okay, Ryan. I believe you, now back away. *Cameraman faints*

Kavita. “I miss my dad!” Cries, wipes her eyes. “I just want to give him a big hug and (sob, sob) thank him for spoiling me! I miss my bed (sob), and my hairstylist (sob), and manicurist (sob), and my aroma therapist (sob), and my personal trainer (sob) and my…” Okay, I’ve had enough. Next!

Meg: “Kavita is just going to shrivel up and die. She is not happy here.” While Meg is talking about her, we see Kavita flipping out all alone on the beach. Wearing a bikini top with a striped towel wrapped around her waist, she is darting back and forth at the waterline, waving both hands in the air and looking frantic. Looking like evil demons are after her. Either this girl is re-enacting a scene from ‘The Ring’, or she is having a psychotic episode. No one could be that afraid of a few flying bugs, could they?

Camera jumps to Carole. “She is really scared. There are bugs out here ya know.” Oh. My bad. I guess she is that afraid of bugs. So why is she on this show?

Kavita. *crying* “I wanna go home!!! Sob, sob.” While Kavita cries the camera focuses on her pierced navel. I can’t figure out if it is pierced three times, or if she has a long dangly thing stuck in there. It looks like she has a 3 inch long hatpin stuck through her navel and through the skin again an inch or so below her navel. Fascinating. But before I am done contemplating her navel, we switch to Kavita back at camp saying, “I’m sorry guys. I just couldn’t hack it.” Bozo announces that she is leaving for (quote) medical reasons (unquote).

Oh crap. Another contestant is quitting! What is it with the Youth of America? Can’t they take the least little bit of adversity? First we had a guy KOed by spider bites. Now we have a girl fleeing from Fly Phobia. What’s next? Fear of clowns? Sheesh. They better eXile somebody on purpose soon or I’ll want my money back. And I didn’t even pay for the friggin tape!

Okay, back at camp Kavita explains herself. “If you want to be out here, you have to put up with bugs, spiders, ants, chiggers, fleas, mice, rats, raccoons, fish, crabs, sharks, dolphins, lions, tigers and bears. I couldn’t do it.” Poor baby. Unlike Nick, who just wandered into the surf when he quit, Kavita makes her departure an Event. Hugs for everyone. Kisses. "I’ll miss you!" "I love you!" "Good luck!" "Goodbye!" Enough already, just leave, you lazy quitter!

Just before she does leaves, Jeff rushes out of the brush. “Am I missing the goodbye?” he asks? For some reason, Jeff has been alone in the woods, writing cryptic messages on his own naked body. I can’t quite read what it says on his chest, but I believe the first letter is ‘P’. Why would anyone draw 6 inch tall letters on their own body? There are so many things about this show that I don’t understand. Perhaps he has been attacked by Charlotte, that smart spider from the book about Wilbur the Pig. Remember? I can’t think of the name just now, but Charlotte wove a new word into her web every night - ’Some Pig’ ‘Splendid’ stuff like that. See, maybe Charlotte is a Brown Recluse spider and she is trying to bite a message into Jeff’s body. Anyhoo…

Kavita gives Jeff a big hug and a kiss. Jeff gives her his smelly sock, because it is all he has to give. Awww. Isn’t he sweet? I bet he scores big with all the women back on campus. Not.

Hey. Guess what? It works! Kavita cries and gives him another big hug and kiss. Who’d a thunk it? For some reason, Kavita turns to the other campers, cups Jeff’s chin gently in one hand, and announces “See? This is the next Bob Saget.” WTF? There is so much about this show that I don’t understand.

Okay, now we get a Tree Mail. Finally we’re going to get some action in this long drawn out episode of Not Much Happening Here, Folks. I was getting ready to write messages on my own naked body – "Bored" "Stupid Show" "Kill Me Now", stuff like that.

Manesh reads the Tree Mail, which is crudely written on a shiny CD:
Bust a move,
Get in the groove.
Dance so fast
And wipe your ass.

Okay. Some kind of dance contest. The Host-Bozo is pumped for this one. “You’re playing for prizes, and we really kicked up the drums for this!” He leads them to a big dance circle scratched into the sand of the beach, and reads the rules of this challenge. Oh, excuse me while I guffaw. Rules? Challenge? Bwahaha!

“You get prizes for asses shaking!” the Bozo says. “For booties bouncing! Take your shirts off; take your pants off. We want to see some SKIN!” If you all dance, you get the first prize and can wipe your ass, but you gotta shake that ass & show some skin if you want the second prize!”

Okay, the kids are getting pumped now. They want those prizes, and they wanna shake their bods.

The Host-Bozo elaborates. “With the first prize you can wipe your ass, but the second prize is something big, red and JUICY!!!!”

Okay, now I’m worried. Santa is coming next week. I am trying to be nice. But I am just having naughty, naughty thoughts here. Big, red and juicy. Things that are big, red and juicy. Well, there’s Bozo himself. There’s things I can’t say because of Webby’s PG-13 guidelines for this website—but you know what I mean *wink wink*. Brown recluse spider bites are big, red and juicy too. Oh well, who cares—let’s dance!

All the campers draw random numbers from 1 to 10. Number one dances first, then after one minute #2 joins, then after another minute #3, and so on. They all have to dance for at least 10 minutes and will be judged on the vigor of their ass-shaking.

Jeff is #1. Jeff is also skinny, uncoordinated, and was born with no sense of rhythm. But he gets out there and shakes it! He is dressed in baggy red shorts and nothing else, unless you count the writing on his chest. Man, Jeff is skinny - no chest, no waist, no hips. The only thing keeping his shorts from falling down is his big, ummmm, what dabo said in the Ep 1 summary. Watching from outside the magic dance circle, the other campers hold their sides and laugh uncontrollably. Several fall to the ground. Dance, Jeff! Who needs dignity anyway?

Meg, Jade and Manesh join the contest. Jade has some very sexy moves. Manesh dances like a monkey. I’m sorry, I’m trying to avoid ethnic stereotypes here, but dang it all he dances just like a circus monkey. Manesh rips off his shirt and throws it at the on-lookers. Then what the heck he takes off his pants and tosses them out of the ring too. Now he’s dancing and shaking it in his boxers. Like a monkey in boxers.

Amanda joins the group. Now that girl can shake it! She is wearing short short shorts, and has just the right amount of ass for her moves. She can shake it fast or slow, high or low. She lifts up her shirt and flashes some boobage, the lower curves of her melons, if ya know what I mean. The crowd goes wild. Girls Gone Wild would pay good money for this footage. Maybe Bozo sold them some, who knows? I am strongly convinced that the TV audience was not shown the full racy footage from this party.

In the background, Frankie and Annette cuddle on their beach blanket, playing bingo. Gidget roams through the set looking for Moon Doggie. It’s all so darn much fun. That’s when I remember. This is day 3, and those asses shaking it up inside the circle have not been wiped since day 0. Oh my Gawd! Icky! Ishy! They’re shaking their filthy asses all over each other! The smell! Oh my gawd, the smell must be awful. I gag. I stop the tape and breath into a paper bag.

In the circle, Amanda pauses in her ass shaking, leans over and vomits. I don’t think it’s from all the enthusiastic ass shaking going on. It’s the smell. I can tell. Oh this is a terrible, terrible challenge.

Bozo jumps in for the last minute of dance, then announces they’ve won both prizes! And the big red juicy thing is… a watermelon. Rats. I was so hoping for something nasty and dirty.

Jeff. (In confessional.) “The dance brought us all together again. Our tribe was split into alliances, now we are a family again.” Hmmm. I sense something about to happen that will break up this happy family.

Day 4

‘You Have the Power’

The newly ass-wiped campers receive a cryptic treemail. They have to select one of them—and only one--to read the secret message in their treemail. This person will have the power. The treemail is unrevealing of exactly what the power is. Ooo, a mystery. Who do you trust?

Manesh nominates Jeff. All agree, and Jeff is the Chosen One—a tough spot for a nice Jewish boy to be in. Somebody (Graham?) says “Manesh picked Jeff because he thinks Jeff is on his side. Everybody thinks Jeff is on their side. I think he’s on my side.” Hmmm, it appears that all that time Jeff spent posting on Survivor Spoilers boards when he should have been studying for exams is finally going to pay off. It would seem that dear Jeff has been working hard at playing the players.

Now we get a whole montage of Jeff the Manipulator scenes and confessionals:

Meg. “Jeff is the main gossip and telephone of the campsite. And he doesn’t do shit around here!”

Carole. “He was so busy gossiping that he burned the rice.”

Manesh: “Nobody wants to eat nasty, burned rice!”

Jade. “Jeff is playing both sides.” She gives a big old thumbs down sign, and rudely goes “thpffft.”

Manesh. “I just wish he would stand on his own two feet and be his own person, but he’s too busy keeping track of everyone else.”

Uh-oh. Things are not looking good in Gatorland. It appears that old Jeff may have overplayed his hand a little here. Being the Chosen One may be a two-edged sword. Remember Jeff, you are not the Chess Master. There is only one Chess Master, and he stands alone. Or is that the Cheese?

Jeff, as the trusted representative of the eXiled campers reads the treemail. This is the ‘power’ he is given. He must nominate four campers for eXile, and state his reason for nominating them. One of those four will be eXiled that very night.

Oh crap, it is a two-edged sword. A reward that bites you on the ass. Get rid of somebody you don’t want, and make three enemies on the side. A twist almost worthy of MB himself,

Jeff picks:
Manesh, because I don’t trust you, and I have been told that you says dishonest things behind my back.
Ryan, for the same reasons as Manesh.
Amanda, because I think you have been playing me.
Jade, because I don’t know where you stand. It’s nothing personal and I really, really like you, but I have to pick four names.

The nominated four are sent to pack their belongings. Then they return to the beach for the elimination round.

We see a familiar looking challenge. That is, if you are a Survivor fan it looks familiar. Each of the four must stand with one foot on each of two 4 x 4s sunk into the sand. There is another 4 x 4 sunk in the sand about 8 feet away which has a bottle of sport drink sitting on it. This bottle is tied to the challenger’s wrist in an inconvenient way—i.e., they must bend slightly at the waist in order to not pull the bottle down. The first person to either fall off the foot posts or pull their bottle off its post will be immediately eXiled.

Everyone looks solemn. This is a momentous moment. An actual person will be actually eXiled tonight. Doh. About time!

Okay, here we go. Amanda does some good trash talking to the other pole-standers. She is totally focused, but two of them look at her every time she talks to them. Not smart, guys. Pay attention! Remember Kathy, who shoulda won Survivor Tahiti until neleH distracted her with lies about exposed boobage. Trust no one, kids. Trust no one!

Bozo announces “40 minutes have passed!”

It starts to get dark, and insects begin to bother the onlookers. Kinley and Meg swat at the pesky critters. Carole claps her hands to kill something, and then quickly eats it. Carole is a survivor and does not waste protein.

Bozo announces, “One hour! This is extreme physical endurance.”

Amanda says, “Ow! Something bit me! My legs are killing me. I gotta pee!”

Ryan grabs his crotch and screams, then looks embarrassed. “A bug is getting kind of personal here,” he confides. “Ouch!” “Ahhh!!!” He sways, almost falls, then recovers. But there is obviously something very nasty in his shorts. He gropes and kneads his crotch with his free hand, moaning, and I start to wonder--what the heck is in there with him, and what is it doing? I mean, exactly. And where? Enquiring minds want to know.

Ryan shakes. He shimmies. Finally he jumps off the post, panting, and uses both hands to deal with the emergency in his shorts, whatever it may be. There are some things that cannot be sacrificed for a mere game, and I think Ryan now knows of one. Or maybe two?.

Ryan is eXiled. The first person truly booted.

Before he goes, there is one last eXiled ritual that is kind of cool. Bozo smears red paint on Ryan’s hand, and Ryan leaves his handprint on a shield that says ‘eXiled’. So one by one, as they are eXiled, each camper will leave behind their handprint.

Next week, someone else is eXiled. Things come to head between the beach-sleepers and the campsite-sleepers. And there’s a challenge called “The Quest.”

Stay tuned!

Edited to add a title, and a missing verb.