OFFICIAL BACHELOR SUMMARY, EPISODE 3:
"With A Little Help From My Friends"
or
"I already have one degree, why do I need the third?"

Last time, on The Bachelor:

15 women who, by appearing on this show, admit on national television that they lack the wherewithal to sign up for Match.com like everyone else, were treated to dates involving smelly beasts, sour grapes, and sand in unmentionable places. And it was the onerous task of one man -- Aaron The Bachelor, billed as a 21st century "Renaissance man" despite lacking membership in the SCA or even owning a good codpiece -- to choose between these cows ... er, chicks ... er, "ladies", and narrow the field from 15 to 10. He did so with such a show of angst and feigned concern that women all over America wanted to send teddy bears to console him, including me. Of course, the one I sent had anthrax spores in its fuzzy-wuzzy widdle paws, but I've said too much already.

The fourth episode of this wretched show (while watching it, I am overcome with the sudden urge to don latex gloves) opens with 10 remaining Bachelorettes. At the end of this episode, they promise to send four more girls home -- their dreams dashed, their hearts broken, and their Prozac prescriptions in hand. We are on the edge of our seats with what we originally thought was anticipation but which turns out to be merely the inevitable result of some bad pesto.

Moving on...remaining in the stable, we currently have the following potential brood mares available for Aaron The Stud:

Helene - a psychologist for an elementary school, who puts so much effort into being interesting she breaks a sweat...and *still* doesn't manage it (note to Helene: junior high may have given you more relevant experience here);
Kyla - ohmyheck, another virgin girl from Utah with a cheap streak job. And what is with her eyes? She looks like a frog in a bad country-western wig (note to Kyla: might want to get that thyroid checked);
Shannon - some girl they keep insisting is on this show, despite the lack of any actual film of her whatsoever (note to Shannon: way to fly UTR...He keeps thinking He has to get to know you better because He can't remember ever seeing you before) (extra note to Shannon: the fact that He can't remember you does not bode well for your eternal wedded bliss..."Married? No, I'm not married that I can recall");
Gwen - seems like a classy, bright girl, and I have no idea what she's doing among the rest of these desperate attention whores (note to Gwen: I have single male friends who do not look constipated when they play the piano who might want your number);
Brooke - the blonde southern belle with the jailbird daddy, who seems to have just realized that the University of Alabama doesn't formally award MRS degrees (note to Brooke: make sure He has His own tux for the big Homecoming dance);
HeatherFromTexas - even if Aaron The Wonderful doesn't pick her, I think the cameraman and/or editor will, considering that every event, no matter how insignificant, requires a reaction shot of HeatherFromTexas (note to HeatherFromTexas: you are a brunette, and therefore have about as much chance at winning Aaron The Wonder Lad's heart as I do at winning Miss Congeniality);
Angela - the rather weaselly-faced nurse from Missouri, like Aaron The Chosen One, picked so He won't have to pay relocation costs after the engagement (note to Angela: He's only keeping you around to administer penicillin shots after the dates);
Hayley - she owns a clothing boutique, so please tell me why all the clothes she brought look like her mother made them, and that evidently her mother is blind and prone to grand mal seizures (note to Hayley: keep up the poor fashion sense, so far it's the only way I can tell you apart from Shannon);
HeatherFromCalifornia - the blonde one, she of the saggy cleavage she feels she must expose as often as possible (note to HeatherFromCalifornia: you will not be chosen either, for the simple reason that you will always be, in His mind, "HeatherFromCalifornia" rather than "HeatherMyGirlfriend", "HeatherMyWife", or "HeatherMyDutifulSubmissiveWench");
Christi - the pity rose. She's from Idaho, which is appropriate, considering she has the personality of a bipolar potato (note to Christi: No one loves you. You are not beautiful, special, or unique. You should, however, seek counseling for that inferiority thing you've got going).

How can He possibly choose between all these lovely women? Simple: He can't. He is so completely incapable of making up his own mind -- a tenuous proposition at best -- that He has to rely on His friends to make the decision for Him. Chris The Host (who is hoping that the line, "Hi, I'm the Host," will induce women to swallow) introduces these friends, Ryan and Melissa, a brother-sister team (but not in a Blake-and-Paige kind of way), who are in charge of determining which two girls will be privileged enough to get an individual date with Aaron The Amazing. The rest will be relegated to the dreaded group dates. Ryanissa ask a series of questions that theoretically will winnow the list of 10 to a list of 2, based on compatibility with their impotent friend.

The Inquisition: Part I

Questions and Answers:

Q: What is one thing that you would change about yourself?
(note to gals: like a job interview, pick something that's actually a plus. He wants to hear, "I'm a recovering nymphomaniac.")
Gwen: I'm indecisive. No, wait... (let's see, can't make own decisions...we have a match!)
Christi: I'm an emotional black hole and I will eat His soul away slowly, but not in a bad way.
HeatherFromTexas: You're saying I'm fat, aren't you?

Q: What is your favorite movie?
(note to gals: Aaron The Guy is a guy. If you want compatibility points, you pick something from the Big Three: gangsters, Tarantino, or porn.)
Shannon: "The one with the jail, where he's..." Um, Shannon? It's your favorite movie, but that pesky title just slips your mind?!
Hayley: The Man Trap. Oops...Parent Trap. Get it? Hayley? Parent Trap? Before you start throwing rotten rutabegas at me, this was her actual answer.
Angela: Hope Floats. She even ADMITS it's a "stupid" movie, yet she watches it "all the time," or when the Lifetime movie is a repeat.

Q: How important is sex in a relationship?
(note to gals: Aaron The Sex Machine is a guy. The correct answer is: "It's a matter of life and death. I will build an elegant shrine to His sexual organ and worship it at least twice daily.")
HeatherFromTexas: Please, don't say the s-word, that makes it sound so cheap and dirty.
Brooke: Thump the tires, baby, I'm ready to ride.
Kyla: What is this "sex" you speak of?

Q: Behind closed doors, would you prefer candlelight or candle wax?
(note to gals: the gist here is, can he be as kinky as he wants to be with you, or are you going to require a lot of tedious, pseudo-romantic "foreplay" and cuddling and crap?)
HeatherFromCalifornia: Actually, let me just give you my collar size...
Helene: Wax sounds hot, and not in the good way.
Hayley: That question has warped my fragile little mind.

DATE BOX 1: Boxing Helene

Helene gets the first individual date, because Ryan thinks she will be a "challenge" for Aaron The Genius, much like tying shoelaces. Christi surreptitiously makes a voodoo doll of Helene. Aaron The Infallible admits that although Helene IS a challenge, like chewing with His mouth closed, she has a natural beauty He likes. Meaning He appreciates not having to get lipstick smears out of His underwear.

He picks her up and takes her to some designer shop, where they re-enact that scene from Pretty Woman, the one in which Julia Roberts has to pick out clothes that make her look less like a professional 'ho, except the outfit Aaron The Fashion Maven favors makes Helene look like exactly that. She stupidly agrees to wear it, and He's thrilled that she's left pieces of her spine in the dressing room and is already bending to His will.

Meanwhile, back at the Rancho Relaxo...

The other girls are calling surgeons to estimate the cost of removing Christi's nose from Melissa's anal orifice. Christi feels like her strategy of showing Ryanissa how "fun" she is will guarantee her the second date slot. We are not optimistic about her chances of success; we are, however, hopeful that her inevitable exclusion from Intimate Date No. 2 will precipitate a nuclear meltdown.

The Date

The Hollywood Bowl, empty save for a string quartet on stage and the dating pair. They dine and drink champagne as the quartet breaks into "Free Bird." Helene seems a mite uncomfortable, perhaps due to the sheer volume of smoke being aimed at her rectum.

"I feel like I've known you for a little bit," she splutters, demonstrating her incredible grasp of the painfully obvious. "That's a good thing," He oozes back, acknowledging her skill. Yes, I can see how they would challenge each other.

At this point, they start slow dancing, which conveniently obscures the fact that neither of them has any sense of rhythm whatsoever, or they wouldn't be trying to sway jerkily to string quartet music.

Back at the table, He lays the cheese on thick -- my cat could even tell he was angling for some spit-swapping, although Helene seemed oblivious -- and finally has to ASK her if He can kiss her. She represses her revulsion and agrees, and there is a very awkward attempt at kissing. We are then startled by a sound that makes us think that perhaps Aaron The Almighty had an attack of the ol' premature, but it's just fireworks, artificially enhancing what was a truly unspectacular first kiss. (note to Aaron The Ineffible: If she doesn't put down the champagne glass when you kiss her, she's getting more kick from champagne than from your pathetic attempts at seduction.) She seems to like Him anyway, although why is anyone's guess.

DATE BOX 2: So which of us is Gidget?

This is for Group Date No. 1, another beach date, with Gwen, Kyla, and Hayley. "My friends did a great job picking the women for these dates," He confides to us. "I couldn't imagine..." and after that, He didn't really need to complete the sentence. Hayley stresses about her cup size and hopes Aaron The Adonis subscribes to that old "more than a mouthful" adage.

Ranch Interlude

Speculation abounds as to who has had mammary enhancement. Kyla's name is mentioned, and we all nearly fall over dead from not surprise. We get close-ups of all the available cleavage. Thank God. It's so reassuring to know that this show doesn't treat women as sex objects.

The Date

The group struggles into wetsuits and attempts to surf. No one is seriously injured, unfortunately. Gwen is concerned that being chosen for the beach date shows that she and the other two Group Date victims are being considered as only "buddies," because beach dates aren't romantic AT ALL. I now understand why she is on this show. She has never had a romantic beach date, beacuse the usual ilk of men she dates can be found mumbling to themselves on a sidewalk wearing three pairs of pants. Aaron The Oft-Desired is actually a step up for her. I am truly frightened. There is a group hug and they do not capitalize on the opportunity to do the Monkee Walk.

DATE BOX 3: The Standing 8 Count

The names in this box are the Heathers, Shannon, Christi, and Angela....so we know Brooke gets Big Date No. 2. Ryanissa confirm that Brooke is their favorite, and we are stunned, STUNNED, I tell you, that Christi's ploy was for naught.

Group Date No. 2 is to an amusement park, Disney's California Adventure ("Earthquakes Every Hour On The Half-Hour!"). The girls are told to prepare for the ride of their lives; Christi brings condoms. We hear screaming and are disappointed to find that no one is stabbing them.

"I think the vindictive nature of most of the women is starting to show," He muses, when HeatherFromTexas makes a negative comment about Brooke. Wow. Your mother did a number on you, didn't she?

Note to all you single guys out there: Just for reference, when you're trying to impress a girl, remember two little words...Skee-ball. Aaron The Fabulous tells the girls that whoever wins at Skee-ball will get a carousel ride with Him alone. Christi, demonstrating the abilities gleaned from years of hanging out at the midway of county fairs and trolling for dates, pulls off not one, but two consecutive victories. (note to Christi: When your date realizes that He is going to be forced to spend time alone with you because you won, and then declares that instead of the winner of the first game, He'll take the winner of the best two out of three, it may be a signal that your date is not going well.)

We are relieved to hear in a confessional that Aaron the Intuitive realizes that Christi is a bunny-boiling stalker freak. She spends the entire carousel ride chattering endlessly about how she really is a good person and not overemotional at all, and her erratic, hysterical behavior at the vineyard was a statistical anomaly. Christi is baffled as to why the Love of her Life is suddenly being so cold to her, when He planted a couple of pity kisses on her before. She is fully convinced that He is still her soul mate, and she has been cheated out of her own personal Happy Ever Aftering by the evil machinations of being part of a TV show wherein women compete to marry a man they hardly know. Oh, and she has to go get some more tin foil to line her pockets so the aliens can't hear her thoughts.

DATE BOX 4: Unbearable

Christi finds a 4-foot-by-4-foot wooden cube outside the door to the Villa of Vacuousness. "Brooke, your box is HUGE!" she exclaims. Yes. She. Does. (note to Brooke: they have surgery to correct that.) The girls ooh and ahh over Brooke's Enormous Box, which contains a large stuffed bear. It is, I'm afraid, not the one I sent.

Brooke meets Aaron The Ace Pilot at the airport standing in front of a plane. "I knew immediately He was going to fly me somewhere," she says. Yes, as in, "Hi, I'm Brooke. Fly me."

They arrive at Big Bear, whatever the hell that is, and ride on a paddleboat, where Brooke hints at the possibility that her Daddy did Something Bad. We are guessing it has something to do with her conception.

Interlude: El Rancho Del Harpy

Christi is explaining to the group around the pool that although she had a good time on her date, her alone time with Him "sucked", because she thought they had resolved their issues, but He insisted on bringing them up and re-hashing them ad nauseum. Christi also thinks the moon landing was staged in a studio in Area 51.

The Date, continued

Candlelight dinner on the waterfront. After dinner, Aaron The Subtle says, apropos of nothing, "So, the hot tub's about 102 degrees." "I thought it would help her to relax more," He claims. We are taken with His kind consideration of her stress level and do not discern any ulterior motive on His part whatsoever. Really.

They smooch and cuddle in the hot tub, and we listen to a voice-over from Brooke asserting that Aaron The Sensitive is everything she's always wanted in a man. But then, she IS from Alabama.

Interlude: The Inquisition, Part II

Hey, remember during the last show when Helene threatened to leave before the last Rose Ceremony? Yeah, I blocked it out, too. But we now learn that Aaron The Opportunist slipped her a note with His phone number on it afterwards, so they could keep in touch if she did decide to leave. Some of the other girls -- does it matter which ones? -- are furious that He would show this kind of blatant favoritism on a TV show where women compete for a man's pledge of matrimony. How unethical. There is sobbing and door-slamming and generally adolescent behavior. The angry girls decide that as soon as Helene is asleep, they're dipping her bra in water and putting it in the freezer.

The Inquisition, Part III

Brooke then returns to the Villa Of Shame, where she is grilled about her physical intimacy with Aaron The Prize. She admits to first base, although when she discovers she left her panties in the limosine, we begin to doubt her claims of chastity. She is, after all, from Alabama.

The Ceremony: Am I Making You Thorny, Baby?

Christi, despite her earlier public assertions that she was not expecting a rose AT ALL, is clearly expecting a rose.

Helene tells Aaron The Abstruse about the Note Incident. He again tells us He is confused and doesn't know what to think. No, really?

HeatherFromTexas actually interrupts His confessional to plant herself on his lap and make him squirm. I guess old habits die hard.

Gwen nudges Him that He is not "sharing Himself" enough. Be warned: she is going to make you take quizzes with her from Cosmo entitled, "Is your relationship everything it could be?"

Brooke has a sudden flash of insight that she is pursuing a possible long-term relationship with a guy who is openly dating 9 other women, and wonders if she's being played for a fool. But like most other thoughts that meander through her head, this one is fleeting and quickly forgotten.

Chris calls Aaron the Erudite into the back room for a few words. We listen to some whining about how horrible it is to have to send four women home when he has yet to see nipple one from any of them. He watches private video messages from all the girls, but does not change His mind, since none of them involve promises of nudity or pudding.

Chris explains to the women AGAIN that only six of them get roses, and that since the women are TOTALLY EMPOWERED in this process, they have the option of refusing a rose if it is offered to them. Take that, feminists: these women are not, in fact, exploiting and degrading themselves on national television, they're becoming Empowered, although they all seem to think this has something to do with batteries.

Aaron The Knight In Shining Armor comes forth, and after declaring that everyone is really a winner except for the total losers He's sending home, He begins to offer roses. Christi, astonishingly, looks confident of her chances. Please remove all sharp objects from her reach (not that there are any sharp objects in the room, mind you).

The first rose goes to Angela; she accepts. The second goes to Gwen; she accepts. The third goes to Brooke, who grudgingly accepts.

Throughout this process, Aaron The Anointed One sighs and whimpers and looks around helplessly. It seems that he, too, had some bad pesto.

The fourth rose goes to Helene; she accepts after a feeble "well, maybe" joke. The fifth goes to HeatherFromTexas; she accepts. The sixth goes to...the tension mounts...the world stops turning on its axis...Hayley, and she accepts, as well.

Kyla, Shannon, HeatherFromCalifornia, and Christi all say their goodbyes. In a confessional, Christi maintains between racking sobs that she is NOT an emotional basket case (which I'm sure will play very well before a jury), but that she will NOT be okay, ever, because some undeserving bitch is going to be with her man, and could not possibly love Him like she could, and she will pine away for Him forever, or until someone else with a Y chromosome, 20 bucks, and no regard for his personal safety comes along.

Next week: The competition heats up, but sadly, I don't think it has anything to do with a lava flow over the Raunchy Ranch. Luckily, I am no longer required to care.

"It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value." -- Arthur C. Clarke