LAST EDITED ON 07-18-03 AT 06:16 PM (EST)I'm finally back on schedule after my vacation!
TARGAY Journal, Week Eight
By Larry Johnson
By popular request, this is my SHORT weekly column on The Amazing Race 4, reminiscent of my critically-lauded series entitled Gay Survivor Journal. It will be posted here every weekend, and is a Basherboard exclusive! For more reality-TV rants, check my website (UPDATED 7/18/03) at http://www.gaycomedyjournals.com
DRAMA QUEEN DEDUCTION
Looking perky as ever in her red strappy top and tiny bone colored shorts, Millie cried… yet again… at the thought of Chuck never proposing to her: “I want him to be happy… and if it’s not me… (unintelligible whining noises.)” Girl, after 12 years, I say: ‘No use crying over unspilled… milk!’ MOVE ON!!!
FASHION CITATION
This week’s citation is sort of a ‘cheer within a jeer.’ Surprisingly buff clown Jon ripped off his shirt after the lobster-trap challenge, and looked much better than predicted. Nonetheless, I am forced to offer a citation for the frighteningly pale color of his skin, which resembled the blue-white-translucent shade of nonfat milk. Note to Jon: A little sun (or perhaps a Clinique self-tanner if you're trying to be health conscious) would do wonders.
NICKNAME OF THE WEEK
For no clear reason, Dave and Jeff have now been nicknamed ‘the goats’ by Jon and Kelly.
LOOK OF THE WEEK
Breaking from the recent pattern of awarding this to Reichen and Chip every week, this week’s ‘Look of the Week’ goes to Jon and Kelly, in their cute backhanded-compliment T-shirts, which referenced their partner’s birthplace. Jon wore a tight red ‘Texas is for Lovers’ tee that mocked Kelly’s Southern roots, while Kelly’s tight navy ‘New Jersey: Only the Strong Survive’ tee slammed his Eastern origins.
CULTURAL (UN)AWARENESS MOMENT OF THE WEEK
As last-place Kelly and Jon learned that they were spared by this non-elimination round, Kelly proceeded to high-five the elegant traditionally-dressed Malaysian woman, with the comment: “High five, little lady!” At that moment, I was embarrassed to be an American.
HONORABLE MENTION QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Chip (about Millie and Chuck): “They might have halos over their head, but those halos get bent every now and then.”
Millie (about Chuck’s archery… but potentially about his bedroom skills as well): “I was so scared he was going to get in that downward spiral… and then just not be able to perform.”
BEST QUOTES OF THE WEEK
This week’s award goes to Jon, who kept us entertained with his overactive mouth.
Jon (to Reichen and Chip, who just came out to them, about Millie and Chuck, who just admitted to being virgins): “I can’t believe I’m sitting next to 25 year old virgins! Who cares about you guys? Virgins! Bring it on!”
Jon (to Kelly, who sat on the fish-bucket to keep them from jumping out): “I need you to help me… I mean… farting on the fish is not helping too much.”
Jon (to Kelly, during the blow dart section of the Roadblock): “Stick that thing in your mouth and just start blowing it!”
DIVAS OF THE WEEK
This week’s Divas would have to be Reichen and Chip, who waited for just the right moment (their anniversary) to come out to everyone. Sure, everyone already knew (come on, they called each other “honey” for god sakes) but their timing was impeccable, and the announcement drew them closer to the other teams… and each other… at a crucial time. You go, boys!
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I look forward to this every Friday. Thanks!
Fashion-Impaired Topaz
