LAST EDITED ON 11-05-03 AT 00:00 AM (EST)
Official Average Joe Episode 1 Summary - Mrs. CinderFella
Melana believes she's living a fairy tale - Shrek meets The Dating Game
At the start, we see Melana's bikini clad, firm-buttocked, perky-breasted buffed out body traversing the wet beachy sands and looking through the camera at all the rest of the men in TV land as if she has found her lost long soulmate. Melana: There's nothing to see here, move along.
She's a former beauty queen and NFL cheerleader looking for fall in love with the perfect guy. They show her beautiful white stretch limousine crawling up the hill to deliver her as a princess living in a multi-million dollar mansion smack dab in in the middle of Hell's Kitchen, Palm Springs, CA. Don't cry out Melana, no one will hear you anyway. Melana: Is this setting the contrast between beauty and the beasty boys?
Melana sees her perfect guy as the one with a perfect smile but our commentator reminds Melana that these guys don't look or act like any of the previous bachelors you've seen on TV. The commentator also wants to know how Melana will react when she sees them for the first time. This commentator is as clueless as the casting agent who wants revenge on Melana for breaking up with him in a past life.
She thinks 16 modern-day Prince Charmings are on their way to win her heart - so she has absolutely no idea that these are indeed - below average Joes.
Party time! Let's all get acquainted with the Joes before Melana does:
They had a hell of a party before meeting Melana. Let's look at the wonderful montage of all of the hidden talents displayed by our Joes as NBC has asked them to narrate their personal fault lines:
Here's Dennis the Accountant showing us his Molly moves with the hula hoops and his fanny dance on the football field. He looks around because he's lost his ass-enhancing underwear. Dennis admits that on the outside only he is perceived as a geek/nerd. He wants to break away from the stigmata of his physical appearance. Although, I must admit to being a little turned on when the tennis ball was implanted into Dennis' back. He arched his back, flipped his hair, batted an eye and thrusted his pelvis back, chest forward and up then grabs his left cheek all within a few seconds. Ask Dennis to pull up his sock, I wanna see him bend over.
Mysterious spin-ballet-break dancer - could this be Clint? Clint tells us that he was a White House assistant, yet he feels that other people have had an advantage over him in life.
The flame-throwing Craig wannabe Prilosec spokesperson. Craig reminds us that he is big all over, even the parts he hasn't seen since grade school Craig worries that he wont be able to fit into the bathroom. Marc is also worried that Craig wont be able to fit into the bathroom.
Marc complains that he is only 5'4", reminds us again later that you never see a guy his size on these dating shows, talks some more about being vertically challenged and swears he does not have a Napoleon complex completely overlooking that he's follically challenged as well.
Joe admits that he knows he's not small guy. He knows he's not a rip guy as he bends the diving board like a piece of tortured pasta and displaces all the water in the pool with pure body mass. Joe says "I yam what I yam."
John says that he is a total geek grinning from ear to ear. John lovingly explains his first kiss with Melana to Dennis, still grinning from ear to ear. He tells us it hurts to be the guy who loses, all the time - and no, he wasn't smiling just then.
Adam says he always called himself a dork. At the party, Adam is eating pasta salad with his hands tied behind his back while fantasizing about being with Melana. Eric looks on with shock and awe. Brad wants some pasta salad too. Later, Adam playfully joins another Joe in the pool as they both swim doggy style.
Jay says call me Costanza, Sam Fat, Bald... I don't care. Jay says on a scale of 1 to 10 he's not a Brad Pitt then he calls Marc Horschack. Marc seems to be taking all the pot shots and physical jabs quite well considering that he still hasn't made up for that Napoleonic complex that's so ever present in his mind.
Wally tells us that he's not usually the boyfriend and that he usually falls within the friend category. He brought his over-sized Hulk Hand as a comfort item just in case he needs to get in touch with his inner child, as geeks are known to have generous offerings. In the photo-shop scene, Wally is completely enmeshed with Melana as she graces his cheek with a soft and pouty kiss.
At the party, Brad looks quickly at Dennis to satisfy his contract in developing a television dramatic moment and smiles a sheepish grin. Probably Clueless gives us some sheepish insight from another thread: I've had many, and many have had me, but never by a sheepdog named Rory, or Adam or Brad or Dennis or....
Eric seals his fate as he plasters a loser sign across his forehead. Jay reaches into his pocket and tells Eric "Lose this buddy!" Eric says he did not date in high nor go to his prom because he didn't have a date. He would have loved to have dated, but the dates didn't chase him and he didn't chase the dates.
Brad gives a smarmy NBC executive a massage and confesses that he has had sex with very, very, very, very, very, very few people. Brad says he gives all geeks hope in the world, as he buries Melana in popcorn at the theater, because he usually does get the girl. Geeks can get the woman, he says, generalizing that term 'woman' so as to increase his chances.
Tareq interrupts all this blissful happiness as tempers flare, and he swings the bat across the yard. Tareq says that reality TV has never seen anything like him because he's a 21-year-old college professor who is going to win an oscar and become the prime minister of a country before my lifetime is over. He's got a real Johhny Depp thing going on here, and what's that thing on your chin? Beard interrupted. The little hairline that couldn't. Melana, it's a road map to my lips.
Zach knows that nothing guarantees baggin' the babe faster than a man wearnin' excess baggage on his head. Zach and Marc go at it in a tug-o-war contest as they ruin yet another of Marc's shirt, but if he get's it to the tailor right now, there still could be hope. Zach and John go at it as John tells Zach that he's had a problem with him since day one.
David says that he's really easy to talk to, and interestingly they all play up qualities and personality over looks.
Jerry worries about what he's gotten himself into and if it works out, it works out. It works out, Jerry. I've seen her.
Chiropractor Dennis says he's totally within the range of average looking people, and people are attracted to him because he likes having a good time, a good time going to all the trouble of applying to get on this show, going through the selection process, taking time off from work, totally disrupting your life, going all the way to Palm Springs from PA just to get eliminated in the first round.
Melana and the boys settle into their respective mansions.
Melana finally makes it through the double doors of her mansion, she states she feels nervous about the uncertainty in all this, stops in the front room and does not know where to go. Melana took a tour of the home, and it wasn't until she saw the pool that it hit her that this is where the guys are gonna be, and she tried to picture it, but it's something that you cannot even fathom. Melana, there is no fathoming, because the depth of water will be reduced to a kiddie pool when its contents are replaced by the mean body mass of Jay, Joe and Craig.
The Joes start to infiltrate their space only to realize that they've been assigned bunk beds. Somehow that makes one wonder if the NBC social translator is once again on the brink. They somehow equate Average Joes into only deserving below average living arrangements.
Marc helps with sleeping assignments while asking Dennis if he is a snorer or a farter. Dennis enjoys a Tootsie Roll and looks at Marc adoringly and ponders the importance of Marc's choice in placement. Dennis and Marc have all these beds to choose from, yet Dennis still falls subject to being the perpetual people pleaser asking Marc what he wants first. Dennis covers his mouth as he doesn't want any expletives to escape from either end so as not to offend Marc's aromatic sensitivities.
Marc informs Clint to not be eye-BALLIN' his bed, to stay away, hiss, hiss! Hey RD, there's a cat fight in the dog pound! Frustrated and scared by this, Brad confronts Adam with low-lying hand gestures and introduces himself.... nice ta meechya.
Adam says he talks without thinking a lot while asking Brad if he wants to sleep on top of him. Brad smiles, exposing those adorable dimples, throws his head back in agreement, and then drops his jaw in horror as that may had been a Freudian slip from Adam's absent thought process.
Jerry drops a load onto the patio, and bends over oh so gratuitously to pick it up. Zach enters the house and feels as if he's in the wrong place. He doesn't know if he wants to be the best of the average, he doesn't know. Zach, that's an above-average way of giving an average response. Zach bones up on his tongue exercises.
Tareq wants that perfect woman whom he can spend only Saturday nights with because until he's got his PhD, Melana, that's all your gonna get. He says he wants a fairy tale romance, and I think pretty much that's all he's gonna get unless he makes more room for a woman in his life.
Joe proclaims that the party has started, and if a woman engages him in conversation, that's all it's going to take to overcome his body habitus. We notice that Joe wears glasses. Joe has vision problems.
Now, the opening crawl as we see the line-up of Average Joes modeling for us beside the pool. How come NBC doesn't use mosaics like Spike TV does? Could those sunglasses get any bigger John.
Enter Kathy Griffin, my Soul-Sista-Ta-Sarcasm.
Tell it like it is Dr. Kathy. She welcomes the Joes and confirms that everyone standing watches a lot of reality TV. She reminds these Joes that they are not like the other guys on the other shows who are pretty boys with six-pack abs. Dennis explains that Survivor rejected him twice, but Average Joe called back. Kathy believes with gusto that these guys represent the 'real' guys of America. Kathy again reminds these Joes about stomachs, love handles, and some hair where it shouldn't be, but her standards are low, and that's all right!
Kathy helps to relieve their anxiety by telling them that there's a beautiful woman (that NBC has abducted) high up in the hills (and being held captive against her will) just waiting to meet her soulmate, and that she, like many women believe that personality is muuuuch more important than looks.
Kathy again reminds them that she may be expecting the male model types but instead she is going to get them, but that's okay. Use your wits and charm and show America that you can get the girl.
Up next, they warn us about some major conflicts, plotting against each other, feeling agitated, not liking each other, provoking one another, bullying, back stabbing, name calling, and all of this in their very first NBC board meeting.
CQVenus Commercial Demographics: They show a geek working late, racing his expensive car to pick-up some fast food, another geek that made it all the way to SNL, and another geek doing a sexy towel advertisement.
Back to Melana on the beach bending over to show us her cup size as her breasts get there two minutes after mine do. Jay wants Melana to know that he sleeps naked and he likes to sleep walk. The guys size each other up as Melana lathers up the beach. Sexual Metaphor: Zach has no trouble spilling his drink in their faces, but Brad keeps his SuperSoaker for future use.
NBC parodizes the movie 10 as Melana jogs on the beach and smiles generously at the one-eyed-wonder-man, that lucky camera guy! She wants compassion, chemistry, and if she can get along with him, she'll give it a chance. I must admit that Melana has been a very good sport throughout this entire process. So far, she seems very sweet, wears her heart out on her facial expressions, and she's probably the most real of all the bachelorettes we've seen thus far. Brad thanks us for playing along with his fantasy, and we thank him too for playing in ours here at RTVW.
Tareq wants a bit of a girl and a bit of a woman, Brad says foot size is always important. Marc begs Brad to not stand so close to him with that spankula in his hand. At the party, the Joes are dividing into sub-groups of nerd/geeks and jock/nerds. Tareq feels isolated from the drinkers and the thinkers, but what about Accountant Dennis? He doesn't drink, and he doesn't think. He doesn't think he's gonna do this, or gonna get that, and he doesn't think he's gonna need to roll his eyes anymore. Me thinks not.
Back at the party, Jay gets offended by Marc's remark that he is butt ugly, and Marc says "It's On!" in Big Brother fashion and takes an egg on the head as Zach's hand slips. Marc actually has enough moxie to push Zach back and walks away worried that another one of his shirts is ruined... he plots for revenge.
Melana finally gets to meet her men, and Kathy Griffin escorts her out and wishes her good luck.
Another beautiful white stretch limo appears with a bootimous bootiful stranger inside. He says his name is Mike and it's good to meechya, but I'm not one of your dates tonight. Melana looks confused, so why are you here, she thinks. He wishes her the best of luck in her search for love, and he drives away but misses his mark where he was supposed to leave one of his loafers.
And this recent event plays nicely into my pre-show theory that the twist in this tale is that these Average Joes are actually stand-ins, spokespersons for the guy she will actually end up with at the end of the show, but I don't think it's going to be Mike. Let's play Mystery Date.
Melana's Emoticon Sexual Fever Meter for the bootiful stranger:
Everybody else gets limos to ride up in, but not the Average Joes. They get a tour bus. Melana is braced for impact as her face tells us she's elated, no revolted, no pleasantly politically correct, no beeming with good sportsmanship as Marc dismounts the bus. Graceful entry into the mansion Marc, no nerves here.
Melana/Marc psychic bonding moment: Marc: Did I ever tell you that bald men have a high testosterone level? Melana: I can see that!
If the FAB 5 gave Marc a physical exam: Always enter a room with grace and style. Always leave a room with.... Oh, just leave the room!
Melana's Emoticon Sexual Fever Meter for Marc:
Melana/Dennis psychic bonding moment: Melana: I have one word for you, oneeighthundreddentist. Dennis: Niscch stooo meet choo.
If the FAB 5 gave Dennis a physical exam: Say it twice, it aint so nice.
Melana's Emoticon Sexual Fever Meter for Dennis:
Melana/Wally psychic bonding moment: Melana: I see you looking at my boobs, and you are sooo busted. Wally: I know they could be an amazing catch.
If the FAB 5 gave Wally a physical exam: Can we say ear pinning in this forum?
Melana's Emoticon Sexual Fever Meter for Wally:
Melana/Joe psychic bonding moment: Joe: Can you handle what a Leo brings? Melana: I can handle what a Leo leaves.... please leave.
If the FAB 5 gave Joe a physical exam: There's a cream for that rosacea, you're hot - not!
Melana's Emoticon Sexual Fever Meter for Joe:
Melana/Jay psychic bonding moment: Jay: Pick Jay, pick Jay, pick Jay. Magic 8 Ball: Not likely.
If the FAB 5 gave Jay a physical exam: Thehairclubformen is not a four-letter word.
Melana's Emoticon Sexual Fever Meter for Jay:
As Dennis and Wally roll by, Melena looks hurt and confused. I wont look at the camera, I wont look at the camera, I wont, I wont, I wont! Melana doesn't hold back in telling all of America that "this is so bad." Melena looks past Jay at John and realizes she's behind the 8-Ball!
Melana/John psychic bonding moment: John: After we make love, can I ask you to do it again, only with more feeling this time? Melana: Bondage? John: It's a wrap!
If the FAB 5 gave John a physical exam: Disco Stew is dead. If you're into bondage, tie your shoe and wear a neck tie!
Melana's Emoticon Sexual Fever Meter for John:
Melana/Zach psychic bonding moment: Melana: LisaPooh's school of successful accessorizing says that that crooked necktie is symbolic of your need to get in touch with your inner a-hole. Zach: That's my type of girl!
If the FAB 5 gave Zach a physical exam: A little less rouge and a lot more sunscreen.
Melana's Emoticon Sexual Fever Meter for Zach:
Melana/Eric psychic bonding moment: Eric: Did I tell you that I have ADD? Melana: What's that? Eric: What's what?
If the FAB 5 gave Eric a physical exam: Your lack of chin implants in no way reflects on your masculinity.
Melana's Emoticon Sexual Fever Meter for Eric:
Melana/Adam psychic bonding moment: Adam: I heard great things about you at the party last night, I like turkey breasts, so save me a bite. Melana: Are you left handed or right?
If the FAB 5 gave Adam a physical exam: When you walk, you bobble. When you talk, you wobble. I've seen her breasts, gobble, gobble!
Melana's Emoticon Sexual Fever Meter for Adam:
Melana/Clint psychic bonding moment: Clint: I'm a communications coordinator and you 'said verbally' that you wanted someone with a great personality. Melana: An oxymoron from a communications coordinator? Said verbally? How else can you say it in a psychic moment? Duh!
If the FAB 5 gave Clint a physical exam: Tuck in that shirt, suck in that gut, and nobody wears glasses on their head past Labor Day.
Melana's Emoticon Sexual Fever Meter for Clint:
Melana/David psychic bonding moment: David: You have some pretty stuff too. Melana: Is David Smith your conversation coach? Don't go away feelin' down or nuthin'.
If the FAB 5 gave David a physical exam: Well, honey, if I sent you packin', you'd be walkin' funny.
Melana's Emoticon Sexual Fever Meter for David:
Melana/Brad psychic bonding moment: Brad: Say my name, say my name. Melana: Fate has no name.
If the FAB 5 gave Brad a physical exam: We love that you're in touch with your outer giddiness, and we never noticed that third eye, really! I believe Melana and John have the rope from gym class.
Melana's Emoticon Sexual Fever Meter for Brad:
Melana/Dennis psychic bonding moment: Melana: Don't you know that yellow flowers are the symbol of goodbye? Dennis: I think she liked it... for about five seconds - oops, I'm it.
If the FAB 5 gave Dennis a physical exam: Your jacket is as dead as the cow who gave it to you! Sashay that bad boy right out the door sweetie!
Melana's Emoticon Sexual Fever Meter for Dennis:
Melana/Tareq psychic bonding moment: Tareq: I want to wash your ankles in bath water. Melana: I want to make your snowflakes melt, and together, we can drink the bath water.
If the FAB 5 gave Tareq a physical exam: A little eyebrow pencil will fix that thing right up.
Melana's Emoticon Sexual Fever Meter for Tareq:
Melana/Jerry psychic bonding moment: Melana: I feel very short. Jerry: That's all right, tall men love short women!
If the FAB 5 gave Jerry a physical exam: You got a matted hair thing goin' on here, Jerry. Can I just say, texturizing and hair gel. Live it. Love it. Learn it. Do it, and do it now.
Melana's Emoticon Sexual Fever Meter for Jerry:
Melana/Mammoth Craig psychic bonding moment: Melana: You are absolutely huge! Craig: Look past my size? What was I thinking? Here's some parachuting bunnies, wanna go back in the pool now?
If the FAB 5 gave Craig a Gumpism: Tell Melana never to offer to take out someone else's trash. You never know what your gonna get.
Melana's Emoticon Sexual Fever Meter for Craig:
Cocktail Parties for Dummies
The dust settles after the shock and awe campaign. The Joes assemble out by the pool, and Melana gets to have a chat with Kathy Griffin. Kathy asks if Melana is upset, and Melana says that 95% of them are people she would never pick out of a crowd. She decides not to discriminate against them based on their looks, get to know them to be fair, and that it may be fun to get to know them with an open-minded attitude.
All of the Joes have nice things to say about Melana, and they know exactly where they stand on the geek-o-meter. Tareq decides to take a back seat and play aloof to the other testosterone laden attempts at agressivity in order to barter time with Melana.
Melana says she doesn't want to know about backgrounds just yet, but she wants only the dirt on these guys. Zach tells Melana that she doesn't know anything yet, so Melana somehow feels justified in calling him a Jerk. Granted Zach has had his moments with the GUYS, but not with her. She seems to be venting her frustration over the situation on Zach and totally emasculating him in front of the other guys in the process. Hmmmm.... I think Melana has a strong geek factor herself, and she fits in nicely with this crowd!
Melana thinks Adam seems drunk after just one drink, and Adam seems oblivious to the significance of this moment and what Melana is really saying to him. Brad shows us his imitation of Frankenstein goes to Tap Class.
Melana removes Marc's glasses, so she can see the world through his eyes, but now they both cannot see. Marc is by far, the wittiest of the bunch. Joe is so intimidated by the too-much-information factor about Melana's California King bed that he covers his ears and sings the la, la, la, la song spilling his drink in the process.
Brad believes that there is more than one soulmate, and I must say, I love the thought of that. Marc says there's a difference between being a nice guy and being boring. Anybody in this forum care to elaborate on that one for me?
Tareq says he was not ready for her one-on-one time with her at that moment in time, however, he did manage to ask that burning question we've all been wondering about. Do you like broccoli? She doesn't like peas, and he's not too fascinated by green food. This topic of discussion has been the pandora's box of the century, and I for one an so thankful that Tareq isn't afraid to tackle the tough questions. I am truly enlightened. Ironically, this is the exact same kind of nonsense I like to talk about at parties. The thing is, that Tareq is so dry, you don't know if he's just being funny or if he really has vital concerns about green food.
Marc observes Dennis with Melana, and says he's mackin'? Does anybody know what that means? Mackin? Melana has fun with the guys in the photo booth, and actually shows each one of them quite a bit of affection and makes them feel comfortable. She's having fun and is a good spirit, but the chemistry is like that of big brother/little sister than anything else, so it's not particularly difficult for her at this point as sex has not entered into the picture.... yet. On a sober note, Zach decides that he wants off the show already! He definitely runs on all four pistons in a three piston world.
The First Elimination Ceremony
As they prepare for the first elimination ceremony, they remind us that there's yet another twist coming along as the front door opens to a bright light where Melana's white knight will rescue her from all these desperate laws of averages.
Now here's a big difference, Melana is asked to pick the rejects out as opposed to leaving the rejects as the last to stand in line. Dennis the Chiropractor is the first to go. Frankly, I'm surprised she picked Joe over Dennis. Eric is the next to go and is completely socially unaware of his gum chewing. I'm surprised she picked Zach over Eric. Clint is the next to leave - no connection there she says. I'm surprised she picked Jay over Clint. Poor Wally. He is quite visibly upset. We all know that the two of them just don't fit, but you have to feel for the guy. The anguish on his face was painful to watch. At the same time, all of these guys standing in line look at Melana as if they don't trust her intentions, and I don't blame them.
They all huddle together with mutual congrats, hand clapping and smiles as Wally and the others sift through their emotions on the tour bus. I see water skiing, rock climbing, a massage and lots of kissing in Melana's future. As soon as Melana starts to show some real feelings towards these guys, only then do they pull out their 'shocking surprise' twist as they cut to the sunset scene of her kissing a tall, dark, handsome stranger who doesn't seem to fit any of the current silhouettes on this show.
As the credits roll by, direct from Off Topic is the magical musical stylings of Nailbone...here to sing for us...
Yo Mama Drives a Volkswagon
Anozzer bride, anozzer June
Anozzer sunny honeymoon
Anozzer season, anozzer reason
For makin' vooopie!
Emoticons inserted by...................Guppin
Cut & pasted by.........................Guppin