TSI Episode 9: Never Say NeverI can’t believe I’m about to do this. I promised that this would never, ever happen. But if Sean Connery could do another Bond movie, and Alec Baldwin could stay in the country after Bush was elected, I’m allow to change my mind. As a matter of fact, since I am a woman, I have even more right than they do.
* pausing to fantasize about Sean Connery and Alec Baldwin *
I am making…a scoring adjustment. I’ll make you wait to see exactly what I’m adjusting. But first, in a related story – tomorrow’s weather forecast for Hell? Frozen over.
On to the scoring.
1. Jon & Al – From a TSI standpoint, these clowns are the definition of boredom. I was prepared to do all sorts of clown jokes while writing these columns, but these guys turn out to be solid competitors who don’t do many stupid things. Move along.
Best out of context quote of the week: “They make you bleed like crazy.”
This week: Nothin’.
Overall: 17 Ryans, 4 Dicques
2. Dave & Jeff – Dude and dude, what can I say? First, they fogged up their windows, and I don’t mean with their potty mouths. Then even with the clowns repeatedly telling them where to go (and, unlike what I would have done, the directions did not involve Hell), these guys had trouble finding the wheelbarrow with the clue. In their defense, it was a difficult task for them, since the wheelbarrow was just sitting right in front of their faces in the middle of the road.
Best out of context quote of the week: None. They stumbled into wittiness the past few weeks, but took a break this week.
This week: 40 Ryans
Overall: 116 Ryans, 1 Dicque
3. Reichen & Chip – Sometimes, it’s better to be lucky than good. These guys get lost, and it just so happens that they’re heading to the Fast Forward instead of the Detour. So they just keep going. This meant that they didn’t have too many chances to make colossal errors. Luckily, it did mean some good out of context quotes, such as:
“His hands feel like my hands.”
“I wish we weren’t racing because I wanted to stay and play with them for a week.”
This week: 20 Ryans
Overall: 117 Ryans, 3 Dicques
4. Kelly & Jon – These guys were in last place at the start of the round. We are forced to watch Jon take a leak. They get terribly lost going for the first route marker. They go for the Fast Forward, only to find it’s already taken (and not by the clowns, you nimrods). They can’t find the number ‘5’ on the truck, just because it’s right in front of their faces. But do they give up? Did we give up when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? No! (Don’t stop me, I’m on a roll.) So they finally get a Dicque, for not giving up when it looked extremely bleak. Sure, they swore and insulted each other, but they do that during the good times too.
Out of context quotes:
“The idiots are back.”
“Kelly, move your ass.”
“Mother trucker”
“Jon, how are we so stupid?”
And my favorite…”You were like a chimpanzee climbing the ladder.”
This week: 75 Ryans, 1 Dicque
Overall: 235 Ryans, 1 Dicque
5. Millie & Chuck – For those of you waiting for the scoring adjustment, wait no longer. Last week, I lauded this team for spending their 8 hour layover hunting down a better flight instead of sleeping. Well, what did they really get for their troubles? Sleep deprivation. The comedy of errors set off by lack of sleep resulted in their elimination. Millie is too tired to read the map correctly, which leads to them going way out of their way multiple times. Her fatigue ultimately leads her to give up, the single most unforgivable crime in the race. Even though Millie usually leads the way at the sprints (since short and stubby beats long and gangly), this time she didn’t have it in her.
Best out of context quote about them comes from Phil: “Will Millie & Chuck’s personal differences affect their performance?”
The last batch of out of context quotes from the virgins:
“I irritate Chuck with my aggressive nature…we haven’t gotten much sleep.”
“Come on Millie, suck it up, let’s go.”
“Chuck, I’ve got to stop and figure out what I’ve got.”
“I make him feel anxious and worried and frustrated.”
“You just have to take it off.”
“Just wait one second, please.”
“I’m not ready.”
“OK, Chuck, go fast Chuck.”
“Be aggressive.”
“I cannot find the freakin’ gear.”
This week: 160 Ryans, -1 Dicques
Overall: 259 Ryans, 2 Dicques
Bebo, Queen of the Backwoods and your American Idol PTTE co-champ
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