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"OFFICAL ALTERNATE SUMMARY Aug 24, Ep.21 BB3"
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AMAI 1254 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Beef Jerky Spokesperson"

09-04-02, 09:34 AM (EST)
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"OFFICAL ALTERNATE SUMMARY Aug 24, Ep.21 BB3"
BB3 Episode 21 - The Virgin King
I have watched this episode three, count 'em 3 times, since it aired. Perhaps by the end of this recap, we will know why it has taken so long to write this f*cking thing.

Was it the fact that Chiara got booted and Jason the Wonder Virgin got to eat cake AND masturbate?

Was it the fact that everyone cried when Chiara left and then Roddy cried clown tears over Key-Whorea's departure because she liked him enough to leave him her dirty laundry?

Was it the fact that the House Hampsters are all quite well off, so Dani's claim to be poor is just relative to the rich players who summer in the Hamptons? I mean, can you afford $1200 a month in rent?

Was it the fact that we are collectively screaming - Boot Roddy, even tho it isn't in anyone's best interest to do so too soon? We're just all "caught up in the drama?"

Well, as we know we posters who post at are still enjoying the show, making fun of a group of over-indulged orphanettes who run through their daily routines at roughly the same time each day. They get up, shower, brush their teeth, take a crap and a piss, we get to look, listen & learn as they wash their lil hands after using the toilet, put on their teeny clothes and run outside to frolic.

That, of course, is when they bother to get dressed at all, which is becoming an event measured on a weekly rather than a daily basis.

They play chess, cards, and How much of a Song can YOU sing before you get Yelled at by Big Brother (and the viewers get FOTFH)?

They cook, eat & clean. They do laundry, challenges and sun themselves. They play with toys for 5 year olds. They have a great deal of contact with family and friends, and are planning a sleepover party with the cast from Real World Peoria.

But most of all, they talk about the game. And that's what we're here for - all those conversations they have with each other in which this one reports to that one about what a third said to a fourth, leaving out all the self-incriminating bits.

It seems they are having about as much luck getting extra booze out of Big Brother as we here at Sucks are having getting extra threads out of Mister Slippery. Which as it happens of late, is actually quite a lot.

Amy is getting drunk more and more, so her addiction is being "handled." The causes for celebration are getting lamer and lamer. "Gerry painted a gnome - here's a case of white wine and a distillery's worth of margaritas and cocktails."

Booze is more important than equipment or working machinery. Even if the oven goes, what then? Will they put them in lockdown outside, like I wanted? Give them a picnic in the backyard complete with a keg and juicy steaks? Or just throw crumbs at them and tell them to be quick or the birds will come and get them? (Speaking of birds, how is it that there are no birds in the BB backyard?

I've been reading the live feeds I will let you know that the hot tub and the exercise bike are both broken as of early this morning.

But WHOA. Lookit me I'm pulling a JulieWindUpDoll. I'm doing a Pre-cap. And probably covering all the material we're gonna see on the Wed. & Thurs shows. Let's just stick to the stuff they showed us on Saturday's ep, shall we...

So as we are all blissfully aware, KeyWhorea the Pimple Squeezer was herself squeezed out of the Big Booby House like the pimple she is. A lot of people are sad, because it turns out that most of the HousePlants secretly love to squeeze pimples, and more than a few were vying for use of the ZitRemover to unplug the house of her sly boyfriend instead of her.

However, due to Danielle's compassion and sundry deals that said boyfriend is now pretending for the sake of protecting his ass in the game that he didn't make and doesn't have, dear Sweet Amy received the opportunity to bring honor unto herself in the name of all that is good and wonderful about Southern womankind.

Is she grateful? No, but then things haven't been going according to plan. Seems that the reason for Amy's depression isn't so much that everyone else is unhappy (which is her cover story), it's that Roddy isn't paying her the proper amount of attention.

But honey, he will, just as soon as you are HoH again. He will be there so fast with the charm spigot turned on so full, that you, baby doll, won't know what the f*ck hit you.

But back to Amy on the night of Chiara's Eviction. She was as adorable as ever in the episode as she fulfilled her duties of providing a strong stalwart sturdy rock to all the weeping willies around her.

Amy says, "I'm a horrid homewrecker. The wicked witch of the South. Everyone mopin' about, cryin' all depressed. It was horrible, worse than the night I was evicted.

"And Ah have to pretend thet Ah care... ... when Ah don't."

Wow. My new all-time favourite Amy speech. The inflection of her lilting Southern twang, the look on her precious lil booze-stained face - I could just kiss her for speaking up when all others are being sickening in their sadness. And, no Amy, you are not wicked. You are too sweet and incoherent far too often to be wicked.

Marci throws his 2 cents in - "All that scheming to get the girl out and now they're all crying about it." or words to that effect. Not nearly as memorable as dear Amy.

We have to watch Danielle bawling her eyes out - with real tears falling theatrically into a sodden tissue. Man, turns out she loved Chiara. W-T-F? Gerry was crying cuz she reminded him of his daughter (and I've already climbed that mountain.) Jason was crying cuz he was worried that the kiss he let Chiara have might have given him an STD.

Lisa was crying because she was mad at herself for not voting out Roddy, and keeping Chiara, cuz that would have been more fun and she would have gotten an extra $5000 from the producers for keeping in a colourful yet disgusting character while getting rid of one of the slimier sly ones.

I found tears mysteriously making their way down my lil face. Why, why? I think it's because Chiara the Maid just left and who's gonna clean house? That kind of things worries me. I like all the people left in the house. Except Gerry. And Roddy is kind of getting on my nerves, but other than that, I love everyone left. Amy is my new favorite but I hope she doesn't throw up on me. Dani is trying to micro-manage everybody practically down to when they get to take a crap. And Marcy is still cleaning everything half an inch past death, although he does appear to be easing up somewhat since Amy returned and his own personal DayCareNightMare resumed.

Yeah I love everyone in that house.

Did you see that demure dress Chiara had on - totally looked like a maid's uniform.

Can we all move on, now?

No, we cannot. We have to listen to Lisa second-guess and berate herself for not having risen above Pimple's betrayal of her, and for instead voting as Danielle urged her to. Well, folks, all I can say is that I'm glad Lisa has learned her lesson. And we will know for sure if she will forever more follow her own heart & stuff, next week, when her vote is cast for the last yucky person left in the house who needs to leave. If she votes to boot Amy, that'll mean she has not learned a G - D thing. But oops I am getting way Way WAY ahead of myself here. Too much live feed reading.

We have to see ol' Narcissus Rod getting all squishy about something in his bag. He says, "No, you open the bag, JayJay, I can't bring myself to look." Oh my Heck, Pimple left him her Woobie Blankie Wankie. He is so overcome at how awesome he is that he forgets what he's holding and blows his nose into said Woobie. Oooh what is THIS in the blanket? It looks like a gob of come. Okay, what the hell - who's been using Woobie like a Wankie Blankie.

I mean, I was sickened by Roddy in that scene - so precocious - which does not look good on a grown-man. And then he admits he'd already seen the blanket in there, so the whole deal with bringing everyone over to show them that it was there was such phoney baloney crap. BlecH. Is Roddy gone yet?

Alright, let's move on. Jason is of course HoH, so we get to see his family in a split-second photo flash, his choice of cd, another of the shows' secret sponsors, U2, is promoting Joshua Tree this year. He also receives a godawful blanket that his ex-girlfriend Ashley made for him, which is hardly an heirloom and hopefully not full of comegobs.

Jason is happy to be the HoH mostly for the privacy, so that he can, ah, go in there and uh, ah, shut the door and ah, be alone. Yeah, we know, Jason. Spit it out. We all do it or are you a virgin in that respect as well? Apologies to all the Jason Lovers out there - I know you make up about 80% of the viewing audience alone.

For Dani, it's Four Down Plus One Friend, Five to Go. Take a deep cleansing breath, and ready set go, into the HoH for the first of what will no doubt be countless convos, confabs & first-, last- and interim-minute instructions with your boy Jason. We see Dani telling Jase that she will respect whatever he decides to do (uh huhhhh). We learn from a DR sesh that Jason trusts Dani 100% (oh REALLY?) And she's the only one he trusts in the whole house. Keep this in mind. You're going to need to remember this, because later in the show it might look like some people forget it.

In a moment that is sure to resurface over the next few episodes as part of the Previously regurgitated crapola Segments, the group is summoned inside by Jason to "look at somethin'" The Ring Around the Rosy Dining Table is gone - oh my heck - sent to the furniture repair shop to have Chiara's twat-print removed from its surface. In its place is a perfectly ordinary table which seats only 8. The Baby Hamsters are stunned, discombobulated, totally saddened. It was their last link to Chiara. They had come to know & love that twat-print. But not only that - it seats EIGHT! What is going to happen? Who's Coming To Dinner? Guess! C'mon. Give ya a hint...

Move on, nothing further to reveal here. All in due time. It's probably just to fu*k with the Happy Hamsters' Heads, and nothing will happen.

Dani utters her Word O' The Week and it is "Shocking." Lisa is obviously the smartest one left, so she is called upon to make remarks. "A reality check. Our number has decreased. Our table has decreased. Ergo, there are fewer of us in the house. The game is half over. In another two, three, four, five more weeks, we'll be done." Wow Leese way to work those abacus fingers, baby.

Jason is ready to do some dirty work, if necessary. But FIRST let's look at how cute & adorable it is when Dani dances on the kitchen island. Let's watch Dani do her Marcellas imitation. Here's Dani laughing her cute laugh. Wow, I'd forgotten how much fun Dani could be. Why did I forget? Cuz we never see her like this, that's why. All we the idiot viewership get to see is Dani bleary-eyed cuz she's doing the Diary Room at 3 in the friggin' morning. Or crying cuz she misses her family. Or bitchin' cuz Roddy is still in the house. Or mad cuz somebody tole somebody else sumthin' they shouldna oughta. Had. Done. Tole 'Em.

As has become the custom, we get to learn about Jason's ugly habits & personality flaws. Guess what folks, Jason stutters. He ca-ca-ca can't qui-qui-quite get the wor-wor-words out when he's nervous or called upon to say something in the middle of an intellectual conversation. oooh and if THAT weren't enough, he fidgets.

But wait, there's more. Guess what ELSE he does? Does he drink heavily when he's alone? Does he secretly lust for one of the girls, or even one of the guys? Does he torture small animals? Noooo, he plays with his hair.

Well all I can say is he & Lisa are made for each other. She plays with her hair when she's nervous, too. Yep what an embarrassing sequence for poor Jase. It's really showing him up. That's almost as bad as Gerry's Day. Almost. Yep, it's bad. Jason.

Next up my new fave Amy is shown in all her drunken glory, bartering with anyone who's set their beer down for two seconds to let her have a sip, the rest, and all that's in the fridge. As Dani puts it, she herself likes wine. Amy, on the other hand, likes wine, beer, and whatever else you got in the house that's remotely alcoholic and even half-drinkable. Yup, that's my girl. Go git 'em Aimster yew cute lil Hamster yewww.

What was really fun about the montage of Amy's 12 step program to full & complete inebriation is that she really looked like she was gonna blow chunks on somebody, but never quite did. Hysterical. Don' it make yew wish yew were in tha Big Brotha house, tew? Marcellas her lovin' gayman, tries to get her to see reason and to understand that yes, one may enjoy oneself while in the House, but that it's work, you're working here Amy. Don't lose sight of the prize.

"O Mar-sell-uhs, Ah'm tryin' not to lose sight ah the prize. Why won't yew let me have yer beer? Yew know I love yew."

Gerry, he of the Sinking Ship Titanic Gerries, tells Marcellas that Amy's drinking makes him, Marcey, look bad. "It makes you vulnerable." uh huh, right. Gotcha. Bear it in mind in future.

Onto the portion of the show that not even live feeds can prepare a person for. Gerry's Day, Part Deux. He's an overtly straight man, who loves to leer at an overtly gay queen. Who is black. Is Gerry gay? Not according to him. He's just Curious. Interested. Not horny, no. Gerry will lay on the bed in which Marcellas is obviously trying to sleep, and eat crunchy food. Gerry greets Marcy with the "Hey there pretty boy." "How ya doin' handsome?" "You are sooo cute." But Gerry's favorite pastime is watching Marcey in the shower. He hangs on the shower door, making small talk and watching the show. I swear I think I heard the sound of crunching & munching, as Gerry snacked while watching the floor show. Poor Marce.

Gerry says he's comfortable with his sexuality. Pity he's not comfortable with his humanity, so as to show a little respect for another person's personal space. yuck. I hope he leaves soon!

So we're about half way thru the show and it's time for a Food Competition. Each Baby had to operate a portion of a weird replica of a donut making enterprise, moving a set of 18 giant donuts around the donut obstacle course without letting one fall to the ground, or land in the pool. Each Baby got to tell about his or her station, what the job was, and to generally add commentary via DR seshes about the game. This was such a fun game and many laughs were not had by the guests, but were had by someone - probably in the production office.

It took about 10 minutes of episode to show us what was 7 minutes of competition, but in the end, the group got 1/2 their food for only getting about half of the donuts successfully around the course.

I'm confused - does this mean only enough to feed 4? Or won't they get any more food after Monday night? What does "half their food" actually mean? Will they make up plates for each HP and then remove half the contents?

So the real reason there only getting half their food from the producers is that the other half is coming via the Mystery Prize. Yippee! A free sugar headache every morning for a week, thanks to Dunkin' Donuts brand of donuts, bagels, scones, muffins and fancy flavoured coffees. Yippee {burp}{belch} excuse me {ralph} Enough bakery goods to last the original 12 HPs a week - every morning.

Well this recap is getting long and we're only about half way through the ep. But that sure isn't my fault. Who knew that they were saving up so much time to review Jason entertaining in his new private quarters?. One by one, Lisa, Marce, Amy, Gerry & Roddy are invited into the santified quarters of the newly anointed Virgin King for a special interview.

Each one gets to #####, moan, suggest, coo, suck up and whatever else about who should be nommed, or just allowed some time with the Virgin King to enjoy gazing upon him with only the ever-watchful eye of Big Brother to make sure no one actually rapes the young lad.

Lisa tells Jay that she heard from her best friend's brother's boyfriend's girlfriend that Jason couldn't be trusted.

Marcy hates Gerry so much he'll scream if Gerry isn't booted. And Amy is no prize either with her drinking. Put Roddy up? Sure, whatever, but Gerry is worse. And yeah I heard on the gravevine that Roddy can't trust you.

Amy understands about revolting door and yeah yeah, she's grateful if she's put up and not sent away, so sure, Sugar, do what you gotta do. Do I understand that yew've got a grapevine in here? Is there a bottle of wine in here, by chance, sugar?

Gerry says he sincerely doubts that he would use the pOv to save Roddy were Roddy nommed. That is the biggest load of cobblers since, since, since, the previous ep when Chiara unloaded her own bag of bull$hit. Translation -- Gerry cannot be trusted.

Then Roddy is brought in. What a huge, hysterically touching, ultimately stomach-turning scene this was. And really, if you care to know word for $ucking word what was said, check out one of the LF reports. Roddy sweated a little when confronted by Jason over all the stories he'd heard that Roddy couldn't trust him. Roddy repeated over and over that he trusts Jason 100%. jason is gold. My word is my bond. We're good to go. I got your back. You can scratch mine. I totally completely utterly now and forever trust you, Jason. I believe in you. What do you think, Jason?
Jay is stymied - he wasn't expecting to be asked questions, he is the Virgin King and he is supposed to be the one doing the questioning.

But Jason, continues Roddy, what have I ever done to deserve such mistrustfulness? Haven't I been 100% straightforward with you? Don't I love you and look after you like a big brother? We're gold, Jay, and we're going on to the end, together you and me. My word is my bond, Jason... and
on an don andon a ndon ando n. And On. Lucky for us they only showed about 2 minutes' worth from what was a very long tedius and ultimately stomach-upsetting conversation.

Next we get to see Jason in the HoH, thinking. And playing with the keys while sitting in the chair, in the HoH. And holding his head in his hands. And crying real tears, because everyone supports what he's going to do. And playing with the keys some more. Holding his head. But strangely, no fidgeting or hair re-design work. Anyway, finally, after a good 7 or 8 minutes of this b.s., Jason summons the group for the Weekly Ritual. "It's time for the worst part of your week."

First key out - Roddy.
Next key out - Lisa
Next key out - Dani
Last key out - Marci
Bottom line - Gerry & Amy are nominated.

Gerry is nominated because Jason doesn't know where he stands on things, and sees that as a threat. Amy is nommed because of the Mexico trip, and being out of the house while there were a lot of stressful times. Yeah even without her there it was stressful.

So will the POV be used to put up Roddy? Will Gerry get the boot or will Dani fool Lisa once again into voting against her own heart, in the name of making it a tie? Finding out is going to be part of my week, so why not make it part of yours, too?

In the meantime, help me eat this box of Krispy Kreme donuts, would you?

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