LAST EDITED ON 09-03-02 AT 10:53 PM (EST)
OFFICIAL BB3 Ep 13 Summary: “Mo’ Faux Veto”
Previously on Big Brother
As reigning master of worms (flashback to Gerry’s HOH celebratory my-worm-has-turned speech), the Geriatric ham aspires to greater masterdom as clown of spin (camera cuts to a familiar spinning head), making a strategic move called the No-Brainer (note: that is a move in chess *raises eyebrow at Ayak* and has a coincidental correlation to the cerebral capacity of the movees). Faux Michael nominates Eric and Lisa, dubbing them Queen and Knight of the spin table. “Just a ploy . . . so no foe,” announces the faux, “but you fo’ have to go.”
Yup, the couples have a target on their backs. The original six-pact has morphed and imploded. The Amy/Marci show is history. And Gerry is now the desperate outcast looking for something to shoot. (Jeez, I’m beginning to sound like Gerry—a wind-bag of mixed-up metaphors—give me a moment and I’ll straighten up.) . . . ahem . . . as I was saying, as the most visible alliance in the house, the couples are a BIG target—and how big is that, did you say? – well, so big my grandma could have shot it with one eye tied behind her (*wince* sorry! Couldn’t resist – an old Texas saying — hey , be thankful I resisted another jab at Eric’s Amazon women fantasy).
Nominations are in and the fun stuff begins. Lots of wiggling and squirming and talking smack cuz they are soooo mad — *snarl* his ass is GONE — and then they smack some more, but now they’re “smacking” ass, smooch, smooch, and, yup, it’s the very ass they’re gonna whoop just as soon as they kiss it good, smooch, smooch – unless you’re Will – and the only smacking he’s doing is lip-smacking as he stirs the pot, yum, yum.
So what do we have here? Smackers? Or Stirrers? Oh, Jeezz, the drama, the suspense – do we have a Will or a Michael or even a wannabe shit-stirring, master manipulator this time around? — Oh, the things Will could do with POV — just thinking about it gives me the “willies” — MmMm, messing with people’s minds, creating false realities, suspending disbelief on a primordial level *shiver* —
Oh, fer chrissakes, this is Lisa and Eric, *shudder* stellar examples of the lauded “benevolence” of social promotion in American schools. The little darlings feel great about themselves, but can they read – as in, read the writing on the wall? So who are we kidding here? Jeez, the only suspense with these two half-wits is – Can they get lucky? Will another half-wit win the POV? And will that half-wit be Will-free?
Ok, back to smacking, cuz they sure as hell ain’t stirring. Her Highness is royally pissed; in fact, she’s so pissed she runs to the WC to breathe (mmmhm . . . breathe). *tingle* Heeeyy, maybe there’s hope for these two. Please, God, let there be just a little bit of shit-stirring somewhere in that vacuous space between the ears. *holds breath* Some kind of primordial instinct seeking inspiration from the temple of human excrement? *deflates* Nyah, probably just a California thing—ya know, hole-istic harmony and all that breathe in crap — Eric shows up and herds her out to smack in the HRD with him and Chiara — *woosh* breathe out crap.
Chiara curses Gerry: “I want him to walk out in SHAME.” Sweetie, is this the best of your smack? Shame has lost all meaning in your world, baby, so work that brain cell to find a meaningful curse.
Eric growls at the girls in a superior tone: “I tolja, I tolja, I tolja . . . I tolja I needed to get that f’n question right.” Um, Eric, whom are you smacking here?
Chiara puckers up and tries again: “His POV speech was bullshit.” (camera cuts to that hanky moment when Gerry, with hand on heart, sobbed, “My soul is not for sale.”) That’s better, sweetie, so you know crap when you see it.
Eric snarls in a superior to- . . . well, make that snarl: “He goes next week and we all know that.” Don’t tell us, Eric, we know, we know – you’re the one who’s gonna whack him. “I’m gonna axe his ass.” My, he took us literally, didn’t he?
Chiara, brain cell overloaded, spits out: “All that cleanliness (who ya talking about, girl – Gerry???) and warmth (well, he does have more than his share of “insulation”). He’s playing just as dirty as the rest of us!” There ya go, baby – now that’s an insult.
Eric rages in righteous indignation: “And HE goes after two people who share a bed!!” Ok, Eric, let’s get this straight – YOU waltz around with your zipper unbuttoned (*shrug* an old LBJ favorite) and you’re smacking HIM for noticing. Again, baby, whom are you smacking here?
*sigh* So what’s going on in the rest of the house? More smackin’, of course – the suck-up smooch smooch kind. Josh and Marcellas group hug Gerry and tell him he’s the greatest. And then later we see all the ladies smooch Lisa and tell her not to worry – she is safe, safe, safe. The guys pow-wow with Eric and tell him no problem cuz he is soooo safe.
Eric in the DR: “I hate it that Lisa is going . . . *frown* I’m pretty sure that I’m stayng . . . *perks up* Even in a tie, Gerry wants her gone.” Ya think?
In the meantime, Chiara has had an epiphany (a la Shannon—with a little “stirring” from Roddy, of course) about Gerry and, nope, she’s not going to kill him with a toothbrush; she’s gonna kill him with love. Remember Chiara’s brain overload in the HRD? She epiphanied. Yup, Gerry’s playing just as dirty as the rest of ‘em. *ding* He’s going after the couples. *ding ding* P. O. V. *DONG*
Suuuck, smack, suuuuuuck—Chiara is sucking up so hard to Gerry I can feel the air swoosh by over a thousand miles away. She brings his folded laundry to him in the HOH as he lounges on the bed, legs crossed, hands folded behind head—and being the man that he is—correction, being a man—he’s loving it. “Oh, Chiara,” he coos, “you can leave my door open . . . in case anyone wants to . . . uh, talk to me *silly grin*. (He’s such a . . . man.)
Chiara slams the door, sashays over to the bed, hugs her chest, and coos back, “You have no enemies here, darlin’ . . . it’s just a . . . *swirls tongue across upper lip* . . . game.” Uh oh, Ger, you’re in BIG trouble. *snicker* Your wife is gonna give you a big ole smack for that one. Cooing is one thing—tongue swirling’s another. (Camera zooms in on Gerry’s face as he looks up at the camera and raises his eyebrows.) He knows. But the fool’s still flashing that silly grin. Yup, a man.
Cut to Chiara in DR: “I hate him, but I’m gonna suck him . . . I mean, up.” We know what you mean, darlin’. It’s painfully obvious.
Back to Chiara’s tongue swirling in the HOH. Chiara lowers her eyelids to half-mast and pouts: “What if someone gets the veto . . . *Chiara’s version of a sultry sigh – think bovine* . . . and screws it all up?”
Cut to Chiara’s epiphany in DR: “If Lisa is saved by the veto, then I will be put on the block.” No shit and say thank you, Roddy, like a good little . . . um, tongue swirler.
Back to swirling in the HOH. Chiara undulates closer to Gerry and mewls: “You need a good woman around the house.” Run, Gerry, run.
The No-Brainers’ Countergambit
Strategy. Ok, let’s see what the Unbuttoned Zippers have up their sleeve . . . hmmm, how about up their pants? . . . in their drawers?
Well, it seems that Lisa is stuck in storybook land with heroes who say “Hi” *sigh* as they caress her drawers (mmhmm, ya got it, that’s her strategy)—and the happily-ever-after-half-a-million-dollars-richer ending happens only to good-hearted people—like her. She whines to Roddy and Dani that it’s NOT FAIR that Josh was not nominated and righteously twitters (where did she ever get the idea that baby talk is persuasive?), “I don’t think that all that lying and manipulating deserves to win.”
Roday says, “Yeah, all that lying,” and looks at Dani. Dani says, “Yeah, all that manipulating,” and looks at Roddy. Nope, don’t want any of that stuff, no, sirree, not in this house. Out it goes, he says. Out of the house, she says. Ok, I’m tweaking this, but Roddy and Dani sat there with their game faces intact listening to Lisa’s “strategy,” but their eyes spoke volumes.
Roddy, the shit-stirrer, suggests that Lisa share her thoughts with Gerry. “It could do a lot of good,” he prompts. Yeah, at lot of good for you, you manipulator, you. *grin* Yeah, tell Gerry everything, darlin’.
Dani, another shit-stirrer, coaxes, “Gerry has nothing to lose and everything to gain.” Actually, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain, you liar, you. *grin* (gotta love these shit-stirrers) As long as one of Roddy’s minions goes, happy, happy, and if Gerry should make another enemy, even better.
Lisa drops the twitter and drones like a POW in the DR: “Whatever type of agreement is made *pause as she struggles to find the words* just to sound nice to Gerry’s ears . . . is going to be made.” Gee, Lisa, ya mean you’re gonna *gasp* LIE?
Lisa then corners Gerry in the HOH and tries to mesmerize him with her logic: “I. Was. Wondering. *wondering takes time for Lisa* How. Could. You. Put. Me. A. Good. Person. Up. Over. A. Horrible. Bad. Person.”
Cut to more droning in the DR (in case we didn’t get Lisa’s strategy) and she blesses us with her brilliancy: persuade Gerry to nominate Josh. Voila! They’re saved!! (Sweetheart, the operative word is “persuade.” Ya need to work on that.)
Gerry answers Lisa in her language: “You. Didn’t. Do. Anything. Wrong . . . . It’s. Just. A. Chess. Move . . . *Lisa frowns* . . . Strategy.”
Jeez, Louise, still more droning in the DR. Would someone please put her out of her misery! Listening to Lisa “strategize” is too painful and beyond description, so think Dubya: “Someone is going to have to offer Gerry a deal.” Ya think? “And it’s gotta be believable.” Is that right? Jeez, where, oh, WHERE do they get these people?
Things in the Night that Gotta Go
Yeah!! No more droning. Yes, there is a God. Ok, let’s see. Eerie music. Weird noises. Dark empty spaces. Grinding. Horrible grinding. Screech. Screeeech. Cruncchhhh! Oh, no. Please, NOOOO!! Not Lisa again. Dammit, we have had enough of listening to Lisa’s rusty brain cell in operation, and I’m writing up a petition to Arnie right NOW.
Simma down, simma down. It’s not Lisa!! It’s Dani, grinding her teeth. Chiara tells us that its scary and not normal (considering the source, that’s a compliment, Dani). Dani tells us that she’s stressed—and will continue to grind ‘em up until she walks out with the half-mil (yeah, yeah, we know, and it’s becoming “grindingly” apparent to everyone else).
More eerie music. Dark empty spaces. More grinding. And groaning. Is that PORN music? Jeez, it’s Lisa again. Where is that petition—good God almighty—she’s “thinking” again. Eric, do something! Say “Hi,” dammit. Caress her drawers, fer chrissakes!
Lisa: Tomorrow is an important day.
---pause --- *ding* Eric finally realizes that this is a “test” ---
Eric: What’s your point?
Lisa: I’m worried about you.
Eric: Why? We don’t want the veto, anyway.
--- pause --- wrong answer, Eric
--- pause --- strike two, Eric
Lisa: I do.
Eric: You do? Why? If you save me, you could definitely go.
Lisa: So I’d rather go out leaving you . . . than having to put you through that.
--- wow --- a two hanky moment
Eric: You’re so sweet.
Lisa, honey, pay attention. That was strike THREE. Kick his ass outta there. Don’t you dare let him say “Hi” to you and mess with your drawers. Think, girl, think!!
Drop Your Socks; Grab Your Jocks
Veto challenge. It’s about damn time. Listening to these No-Brainers smack around makes me wanna do some smacking myself, like smack that teevee to another program. Can we please focus on someone who can lie and manipulate with some semblance of skill and cunning?
Eric (*sigh* nope, slim pickings tonight) says that if he got the veto he would save Lisa. Lisa, you go, girl. Work that brain cell (Arnie, spare us, we don’t need to see it) and keep his arse in line. Um, sweetheart, did ya notice he said “if.” Gotta work on that.
Gerry says that this is the first veto game where someone who really wanted the veto could use it to gain power in the game. Yeah, right. What you mean is that this is first time since your infamous faux pas that someone might want the silly thing—and it wouldn’t be to use it.
Gerry announces: “Drop your socks and grap your jocks, lets play ‘Turnover.’” And already we see that this game was designed for Chiara. Jeez, she’s an admitted pro. She can drop her “socks” and grab the jocks faster than you can say “ho.” Yup, not gonna be much of a contest here.
They all choose a starting point on a game board marked similarly to the grid on a chessboard, with players at the corners and midpoints, and one player in the center (Chiara). Taking turns they take one step in any direction and turn over the square they were standing on. When they run out of real estate, they’re out. Last player standing wins.
Ok, who wants it? Not Jason. Not Roddy. Eric has a difficult time understanding that he can’t move to a square that was occupied. Dani, Josh, and Chiara duke it out, but they each tell us in the DR that there won’t be any Gerry-pandering, no sirree, not a chance. Chiara wins. Surprise. Surprise.
Alright, now we’re back to Roddy as he slithers into Chiara’s mind and takes a quick inventory of the wasteland looking for squatters *eyes search left, right, left, right*. “What are you thinking?” he invites, gliding into position.
“Well, I thought that maybe I could kinda save Lisa if I asked Gerry to put up Josh and he buys another week,” she offers.
*eyes twitch left-right-left-right* “I’m scared that if you do that, then no matter what Gerry says, your pal Rod goes up.” *bang* Shot that sucker outta there. And he glides out. *shudder*
Ho Sweet Ho
The hamsters have been in their cage for three and a half weeks. Let’s tease them with a letter from home and see if the little darlin’s will squeal. Duh! *slaps forehead* Of course they’ll squeal. The question is what will they blubber. Oh, the pathos, the passion, the ecstasy—um, better throw in burlesque and grotesque with this group of hos—all for our prurient pleasure.
First comes Gerry and yup he’s blubberin’ as he smacks the picture of his sweet darlin’s. He sobs, “It hits ya like a sledgehammer. We have a fun-filled house. Full of huu *sob* mmmor.” Humor. Ha. Ha. Can you imagine that? Ok, this has gotta be the pathos.
Then there’s Baby Jason and he misses the beauty and warmth of rain. In Jason’s world, this is passion.
Then comes Chiara and she gushes: “I miss the big O . . . excuse me, I mean, Apple. The sound of cars and screams and people SWEARING!!” Yup, this is the ecstasy. Chiara’s having a big O just thinking about the big O (and is there any doubt in anyone’s mind that cars, screams, and swearing are typical elements in her big O?).
Now for the burlesque and grotesque.
Let’s see, where do I start. Josh twangs, “Dani, oh, Dani, YOU deserve a letter the most. Oh, God, I pray that you get this letter,” as he passionately body hugs her and topples her to the bed, limbs entwined. “Pssssst . . . *Chiara elbows Roddy* . . . just look at him . . . Jews don’t believe in God!” Roddy eyes twitch left-right-left-right. Roddy sighs. Nope, nothin’ there.
All that hugging on the bed has Chiara worked up. She’s now in the DR moaning: “I miss human contact and I don’t mean HAND HOLDING!” *sigh* Chiara, Chiara we know what you mean. Please spare us the details. “I am WOMAN and I HAVE NEEDS!!” she screams. Dear God, she’s gonna give us details. *cover my “virgin” ears as I grin at my two sons in cyberspace*
Chiara’s screams travel through the soundproof door of the DR and reverberate throughout the house, spreading the word like . . . *grin* whaddya think? spreading it like . . . nyah, too easy . . . *bigger grin* easy, that’s getting there . . . um, cancer. *waves at my boys*
Yes, cancer. So who’s infected? Well, Dani tells us she misses sex, sex, and in case we didn’t get it cuz she’s not getting it, SEX. “I’m gonna have sex every day for a month!” Ah, Jeez, here we go again. “When I see my husband I’m gonna do things to him.” NOOO!!! Details. Good God Almighty, this woman has children at home listening to DETAILS on national teevee.
Anything else? Yup, Lisa misses her detachable showerhead. No comment. I’ll let you fill in that blank (no double entendre intended *grin*).
Let’s Make a
Flashback to the aftermath of Lisa’s dismal attempt to persuade Gerry to nominate Josh should the POV be used. Lisa says that they will have to offer the mother of all deals to Gerry. (That’s it—Yeah, Lisa!!) Eric growls, “No problem, baby. I will do whatever it takes. I’ll promise him anything and I’ll still axe his ass next week.”
Oh, goody, backstabbing. There ya go, sweetie. Get in there and wheel and deal. Slither and slide. MANIPULATE, dammit.
Eric in DR: “Gerry’s been a little sneaky these past few weeks and people are beginning to notice.” Yes, SNEAKY. That’s it. Ya got it. Now get in there and get sneaky. Stir, baby, stir.
Finally, Eric corners Gerry in the HOH.
Eric: “One can’t help but notice that a certain new friendship with a certain person in a certain way has developed lately with said person, and said friendship with said person has been noticed cuz you and said person had not been getting along. Ya know what I mean? Now you know that I know what you know that said person is a bad person but I know that you don’t know what I know about that bad person, ya know what I’m talking about?
Gerry: “I know.”
Eric in DR: “I sold Josh out.” Gee, is that what you did?
Back to Eric’s version of the legal mumbo jumbo that every “good” lawyer learns first year law school. Eric drones on: “The way people perceive said friendship with said person affects a certain person’s position in this house because said people won’t trust that certain person in certain people’s group.”
Gerry now gives his mumbo jumbo: “Well, my answer to that is ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer.’”
Aaarrrggh! Please, God, give these people a clue! Come on, Eric, mess with his mind, MAKE A DEAL!! Persuade, manipulate, LIE. Do something or I’ll smack you right off my teevee. How ‘bout . . . let me think, ok, Eric, listen, did you hear what he just said—USE it, baby. Say, Gerry, ole bud, ya missed part of that old saying and it’s an important part – you BECOME your enemy. And then, you half-wit, MAKE A DEAL.
*sigh* As another old saying goes, he’d have to study up to be a half-wit. No deal.
Eric leaves the HOH and says to Lisa who is waiting in suspense: “Let’s just say this isn’t over by a longshot. I took it upon myself to take care of it and I did. It went extremely well. If it works, I’ll be the biggest hero in the world.” Lisa, do us all a favor and smack him.
And the Winner is . . .
America loves Jason. Jason hasn’t seen his mom in over three weeks, so he breaks down and cries when he reads her letter. It was at least a two hanky moment. As a mother who recently discovered a birthday card sent to her first born his first year in college and it was still SEALED, never been opened (don’t ask me how I found it), it nearly broke my heart. I had to leave the room. So I don’t know what happened next. *sob* *peeks to see if said son is watching* *bigger sob*
Who Gives a Shiut
It’s POV time. Let’s see. Now what were those burning questions again? Will another half-wit win the POV? *ding* The odds were in their favor. Will the half-wit be Will-free? *nnnhhhh* Half-wits rarely are. And what was that other one . . . oh, yeah, can the half-wits get lucky?
Chiara starts the POV ceremony and asks that Lisa and Eric make a plea.
Eric: “Hi” and smiles like a . . . man. (Smack him, Lisa)
Lisa: “Gang-love” and coos like a . . . ho. (Smack her, Eric)
Chiara undulates, hugs her chest, and croons: “I love ya both so much, but I love somebody else who loves you more than I do, so I gotta leave little Veto in my box.” Good God Almighty, the tongue swirler . . . swirls. And Eric thinks he got lucky.
****** SMACK *******
Yup, I smacked that ho right off my teevee!