LAST EDITED ON 08-28-02 AT 10:07 AM (EST)

August 8, 2002 - Episode 14 in the Big Brother House, Series 3

Part 1 - We Need More Recapping

mmkay - I hope it is Ep. 14 - I've kind of lost track of how many actual different eps there are. Cuz every week starts with a recap, going all the way back to the beginning of the show. 12 Strangers Come Through This Door To Have Their Lives Changed Forever. Fast forward to the clump of material they're recapping since yesterday.

We have Lisa practicing her Final Thoughts about Eric's possible departure:

"If Eric is the one to be evicted, Eric is gonna take my heart with him. I think that would add an interesting twist on the game because I would be playing this game heartless. And when I'm heartless and when I'm shut off, I can get pretty nasty."

She will be hiding the toothpaste and using all the hot water. Ouch!

There's an awful lot to recap from the week, as some male voice tells us anonymously: "Gerry became HoH {what, no screen shots of Eric holding up his stupid answer of 286 to Gerry's 188? - I feel gypped!} and he put up Lisa & Eric. They each hope to be saved by the Power of Veto." Lisa is shown saying hopefully Gerry will put up Josh. "KeyWhore wins POV." After the nominees beg for mercy, she announces that she's leaving things as they are "for strategy" and also to protect someone else from being named as a replacement nominee.

If KeyWhore gave a speech like Lisa's quoted above, it would be thus:

"If Roddy is the one to be evicted, Roddy is gonna take my brain with him. I would be playing this game without morals AND without a brain. I'm already pretty nasty, but I need to have someone here to tell me what to do. So Roddy can't leave before I do."

Interesting that the recappers chose not to regurgitate the tidbit of info that Roddy is not nearly as loyal to KeyWhore as she is to him. I'll do it for them. Remember that during the confab in the HoH room with Gerry last Sat., RodGod did not ask for KeyWhore to be kept safe.

Still recapping the Wed. ep., we're shown KeyWhore & RodGod in the hammock, with her explaining how much she dislikes Lisa's mewly voice and that Lisa is NOTHING like her normally awesome friends. Uh, you mean, Lisa isn't a giant whore like yourself, so you're having difficulty relating to her, is that it?

More shots of Lisa's tearfulness - "It's not fair - I don't want this to happen."

Finally, we appear to be done with recapping the previous day, as Julie Chen appears "live" (well, as live as a Thunderbird marionette puppet can appear, that is) to announce it is Day 34. Holy smoke-em-ups! We've been watching this SnoozeFest (tm) for a whole month. I don't believe it.

"9 houseplants remain." I've begun thinking of them as "houseplants" rather than as house guests, given the inordinate amount of time this group has spent laying around in the sun. Guess that's part of the way to combat the PB&J diet - get your Vitamin C from sunbathing.

Then Julie demonstrates that she has never actually watched the show, or she'd have surely balked at being asked to recap the recap, as it were. Settle in for another 5 minutes of recapping the previous day(s). Says Julie, "Gerry is HoH, and after being ostracized by the couples, sought revenge by nominating Eric & Lisa to split up the couples. The POV yada yada yada Chiara feared for Roddy blah blah blah.."

More black & white footage, but this time of material I don't recall seeing before - I thought we were supposed to recognise the recapping.

Here we see KeyWhore the Two-Faced Biatch in action. One frame she's encouraging Lisa to consider moving to New York, cuz she'd have a girlfriend, "and we could do stuff together" (like get drunk and get laid, whoo yeah - kinda like we're doing now!) and in the next frames we see KeyWhore in the DR spliced together with her on the hammock with RodGod, talking negatively about Lisa. Apparently Lisa has a way of speaking that reminds her of every girl she hated growing up. Apparently KeyWhore's friends are "very unique" They're not like Lisa, "they're awesome." Then cut back to scene with Lisa, with KeyWhore saying, "the people are real in New York." All the viewers know that KeyWhore is secretly denigrating Lisa to her face, but poor sweet Lisa doesn't appear to get it. Lisa thinks Key Whore and Danielle have her back.

Next up we recap the dizzying array of payback, favours & new strategies.

KeyWhore tells VirginBoy that she trusts him more than she trusts "those girls."

Lisa reckons her votes will come from Chiara, Danielle and "rumor has it, Marcellas," leaving the tie-breaking decision to "wonderful Gerry."

Danielle in DR says her goal is "get Eric out the house."

Marcellas in bed, whispering that he thinks Chiara is going to vote out Eric, too. Jason shakes his head. Marcellas is pretty quick, but the producers think the audience is not, so we're shown the proof - KeyWhore & Virgin Boy in the hammock, as she says that she is actually closer to Eric than to Lisa. Marcellas is a little surprised to learn this - he beats himself over the head for being so slow -- because of course he should have realized that KeyWhore is going to want a houseful of guys, and no other girls left who are willing to have sex.

Lisa has seen Josh talking to KeyWhore and can't help but wonder if Josh is trying to convince KeyWhore to vote against Lisa. Josh tells KeyWhore that Lisa hates her. KeyWhore sounds hurt & surprised "she hates me?" It's okay if KeyWhore dislikes Lisa, but NOT OK if the feeling is mutual.

Josh is of course relying on a conversation he overheard {there isn't any other way that Josh obtains information around the BB house} that he thinks MIGHT have been about Chiara. Course it was a convo from two weeks ago, so it was probably NOT about Chiara or about Lisa. Says KeyWhore, "if you're lying to me I'll sock you." Promises promises. We're shown a shot of Josh in the DR looking shifty-eyed. I might add that it's the first shot of him in which his true personality shines through.

Oh and let's have a moment to comment on Josh's idiotic new below the mouth facial hair. It looks like something Hildy from Trading Spaces worked up for him. Something we weren't shown from the previous week and nobody noticed who watched the live feeds. They did a "Trading Faces" show with some of the BB hps and Hildy got to redesign Josh's facial hair.

What the hell is that thing? Is this to prove his affinity with Native Americans, as well as blacks, gays & other minorities? Is there some hidden meaning to the nature of life & the universe in this design? Did he shave his pubic hair to match? Okay, we don't need to know this last, but I bet KeyWhore will find out next week.

Or is this just Kooky Josh, trying to be "entertaining." ugh. Unfortunately it's working - we're having so much fun laughing AT Josh that some of us are questioning if the show will be too boring without him. We viewers may benefit from a prayer meeting to save us from ourselves, I think. Will Jason step up to the plate here? Where is Vecepia when you need her?

Chiara: Who you voting for?
Josh: I gave my word to evict Lisa.
Chiara: Good thing I didn't give my fu$king word!

But in the DR, KeyWhore takes a moment to express regrets: "Ya know, friendship-wise I'm probably making a wrong decision. I'm gonna lose a friend outta this."

Yep, but gain another bed partner, I suppose. So it's a no-brainer for Key-Whore. She'll look after Eric's blue balls, no problem-o.

Next up, KeyWhore & Danielle having a confab. KeyWhore says, "I need your word that you're not gonna say a word to anyone about this." Dani gives her word. "I found out from a very very very (OMG three 'verys' - it's real, alright) reliable source that Lisa is gonna come after me."

Dani in DR: "You always question the source."

Dani to Chiara "Who gave it to you?"

KeyWhore in DR: My source is Josh. Do I absolutely trust him? No. But he's got a penis that I might have to suck if Jason won't let me suck his, so that's good enough for me."

Danielle to Keywhore: I just can't believe it."

KeyWhore to Danielle: "Vagina or penis. Loyalty is loyalty. It's not a guy-girl thing. It's who you trust and who you don't trust." {she really said this - I totally don't buy it. She absolutely trusts people more if they have a penis.}

Lisa approaches the two of them, breaking up the confab. "Why the long faces?" Danielle says, "We're coming to the realization that we're gonna have to lose one of you guys."

Boy, oh boy. This group is getting Dumber by the Moment. Lisa buys it, but gotta hand it to Dani. She "cares."

Now we shift to the Date. Eric says it was Lisa's idea to have a date. We get the FastMo of them getting ready for the date. Eric brushes his teeth. Lisa plucks an eyebrow hair & puts on eyeshadow. Eric cleans & irons his shirt by flapping it a few times. Lisa selects a pretty blouse and cuts up some old jeans to wear as a skirt.

TwoFaced Biatch and her new BlowJobBuddy Josh are busy cooking up a storm in preparation for the Meal Portion of the Date. They dress up to play maitre d' and waiter in a SoCal way to make Lisa feel more at home, all black & white, but wearing flip-flops, and Josh reaches deep within himself to find a voice even more annoying than all the others we've heard from him . "Welcome to the BB Restaurant let me show you to your table" He sounds like a giant gnat buzzing annoyingly.

Eric & Lisa coo & cum all over the dinner arrangements - "ooh this is the most romantic thing I've ever done." Lisa doesn't get out much, does she? There are champagne, gifts, tablecloths, fancy silverware instead of the plastic forks & knives they normally use to "protect them from themselves and each other".

Eric promises, however, to blow this out of the water once they're outside. What a romantic!

As for the gifts, Lisa gave Eric a picture of the two of them on the hammock. The word "HI" is in the lower right hand corner of the photo. She says it's her new favorite word now that Eric said it." I know there is more of a joke to be made here, but frankly I'm losing brain cells too by watching this show every episode.

We don't see what Eric's gift was to Lisa. Is this foreshadowing, or what?

Then KeyWhore is explaining to Lisa & Eric in one of the bedrooms that the sheets have been freshly pressed (i.e. flapped in the wind) and there are rose petals. Enjoy. Have the best night ever.!

Well, I know KeyWhore would enjoy the best night ever - cuz she'd do it in front of everyone. The cameras and the national tv audience would just be icing. But these two just do more of the same kissing & cuddling. Eric demonstrates that he has learned an important lesson. "Hi" he says after a bit of smooching. Ugh. Doesn't work the second time, Eric, just looks stupid.

Okay, we're finally done with the recapping. Was that really only ten minutes worth of tonight's show?

Oops, spoke too soon. Now we have recapping disguised as "live questions":

Julie: "So Lisa, you and Eric had a very special date last night? How much did this time together mean to you?"

Lisa: "not much, I mean, UM, it was very special because um, I mean thank you to all the houseguests who allowed us to do that and gave us that special time. because no matter who leaves or who stays, one of us will have to depart and um..."

Julie cuts her off: "Josh! You put forth a considerable effort to make this date happen? Why did you do this?"
Hopeful BlowJobBoy: "Ah um, beats the hell outta me to be honest with you. I thought they deserved it. It was inevitable that one of them was going to have to go. They're probably America's Cutest Couple and they deserved it. Plus, my chances for having Chiara give me a blow job just went up about a gazillion percent because of it."
Julie: Should we take from this that you're a romantic at heart?
Josh: I really am. I'm very fond of blow jobs.
Julie: I'll have to talk to Merritt.

Josh jumps onto the sofa like somebody bit him in the ass - oh jesus no, don't tell Merritt he seems to be saying in body language. Now I'm going to have to do stuff like this for her! Oh cripes. Oh criminy! Oh no.

haha. Julie makes a note to raise this next week when Josh gets nominated.

Julie: Eric!
Eric: "Hi"
Julie: Forget it Eric - it's not going to work with me. How did you enjoy Josh's cooking?
Eric: Well, actually considering what he had to work with it was fantastic.
Julie: Are you insulting our kitchen? Ingredients or supplies?
Eric: uh, the ingredients. The kitchen is suffice.

whaaa? "the kitchen is suffice" ??? ack, who am I kidding? It's not like we didn't already know that Eric is dumb as a bag of rocks.

Then we get Julie asking Danielle about PB& J week, while Chiara giggles uncontrollably, and Julie asking Jason about his letter from home, with another dumb-ass question: "How much did that mean to you?"

Jason: not much, just my family gave me the strength to stay here to the end and win it all.

Julie: Easy now, Jason. Okay, back to Eric & Lisa, the STARS of the Show. Any final thoughts?

Eric blathers on about how he had a great time, and how he looks forward to running into all of you {except Gerry, whom he looks forward to running over} and it's a tough game, hard decisions. No ill feelings towards anyone {except Gerry, hates his guts and hopes for a miserable life for him in the house} and he'll miss Lisa, but one of us will still be here {to take out Gerry.}

Then Lisa shows that all her practicing helped. "Before I moved into this house my life hit a kind of grey spot. I'm glad I walked through those doors. This has been the brightest most beautiful chapter in my life. Thank you guys for allowing me to laugh and for opening up my smile. Thank you Eric for opening up my heart. I wasn't expecting you."

awwwwww. The whole group just gives a group "awwwww." I reach for the bucket. The brightest most beautiful chapter in her life is the time in the BB house. What can next week's evictee say to be even sweeter than Amy or Lisa? It cannot get any sweeter than this.

Facilitator Julie makes it possible for anyone who has never ever seen an episode of Big Brother to comprehend the difficult twists and turns the Eviction Night show takes, explaining the voting procedure, who can and who can't and who might get to vote. The pants are bored off the regular viewership. Says she, "Later we'll talk to Eric's and Lisa's friends but first, let's hear from 3 of the houseguests who can vote, Josh, Danielle & Roddy."

Josh rabbits on about how Eric sold him out and tried to degrade their alliance.

Danielle notes that it's good for her if Lisa stays, cuz they have a similar value system. Only good thing if Eric stays is that he's willing to go after Josh or Gerry.

Roddy proves he's losing brain cells by the second, as he heaps cliched praise on Lisa "she's a great girl who really knows how to turn a frown upside down type thing" But he's closer to Eric, so you do the math. Rod votes to evict Lisa, which we expected.

Danielle votes to evict Eric, which we expected.

Josh however is not buying Eric's attempts to destroy their alliance and votes to evict Lisa (quelle surprise!)

Now it's time for the first 4 minute commercial break. Wowee - a whole 20 minutes of "recap" with a whole 3 minutes of new material.

Part 2 - Who has the Stupidest Circle of Acquaintances?

Time to meet the Nominees' Work Friends, because none of their other friends, parents or siblings could be found.

Julie recaps material we've yet to see, telling us that Eric's friends are not surprised he found romance so quickly, they're just amazed he hooked up with Lisa instead of his usual type, KeyWhorea. Lisa's chums are shocked she fell so quickly.

After a brief montage of Sunset Blvd night life, we are confronted with a scary image of Lisa's three bartending pals. Mindy, who looks like a bit of a guy, Shawn I, who has a guy's name and a chipmunk's face, and Shawn S., who wears two earrings, seems gay, but has his hand on Mindy's knee. Um, well I did think Mindy looked masculine, tho, didn't I?

Says Mindy, "Lisa is beautiful on the inside. She's such a package. She's a spazz, she's silly, but she can be tough."

It appears that Lisa has friends who are just like KeyWhore-a.

Says Shawn S (the guy), Lisa is not dumb beautiful. She's very intelligent (cue shot of Lisa playing Chess and Eric looking beaten.) She's vibrant.

Says Shawn I (the girl) my jaw dropped when Lisa hooked up with Eric (cue shots of Lisa grinding herself into Eric in a variety of positions & locations.)

We learn that Lisa, when nervous, runs her hand through her hair (cue obligatory shots of same). We learn that Eric is Lisa's "type. Shawn I says he listens to her (cue shot of Eric "listening" to Lisa's tummy). He has to make her laugh (cue shot of Lisa laughing while with Eric, although he appears to be asleep) He's a firefighter, that's an honourable job.

Cue honourable Home & Hearthland music, as the scene changes to Connecticut fire dept., and four of Eric's work buddies talk about Eric, how young & energetic he is, they introduce us to Eric's ladder, they mention that Eric's weakness is women.

Lisa's friends also reckon that Lisa will do better without Eric in the house.

Watch out for Eric, says one of his workmates. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve (haha cue shot of Eric in a sleeveless t-shirt - is that great editing or what?)

Now it's time to waste a few minutes chatting with Gerry in the HoH room. Julie makes sure to repeat her phrase that Gerry should feel free to speak candidly because no one can hear their conversation. As if to let the viewers know this is true, we are shown Josh sitting on a living room sofa, far away from his usual post eavesdropping outside the HoH door.

Part 3 - Eviction Night In Canada!!! It's an Ill Wind That Blows Nobody's Job

Julie does what she does best - recap, this time for Gerry's benefit, as she returns to Week One and Gerry being ostracised for having used the PoV. Of course, this just leads into another journalistic coup of a question: "How did it feel to win HoH?"

Gerry: Retribution. Major impact. blah blah blah. One interesting tidbit, however. From what Gerry said, I gather that Eric's last ditch attempt to sway Gerry on the subject of Josh caused more damage than anything - that's what changed Gerry's mind about whom to evict in case of a tie (you know if the votes go 3-3).

That's enough from Gerry. Julie doesn't care for him much, and we return to her standing in front of the screen, making her first allusion to The Twist, They are about to "mix it up" at the Big Brother House. But First, more voters. Julie recaps from 5 minutes ago, informing us that the current tally stands at 2 votes for Lisa 1 vote for Eric.

Marcellas in the DR says Eric is aesthetically pleasing. However, Lisa could be a friend of his outside the house. He forgives the Original Six, but doesn't forget. Who those fighting words are for, I do not know, as Marcellas is eventually shown ousting Eric.

Jason comments on his observations of Eric during the past week. He says he can see that Eric would turn on one of his own. Scary. Jason also votes to evict Eric.

KeyWhorea. oh ho. This girl's DR comments on her vote are just so funny, I'll reprint them in full, with my asides in brackets. "Eric and Lisa. Well, I have Lisa as a girl and I'm a girl (and not a guy) and we're the same age (not different ages). But Eric is a guy and not a girl {summa cum laude for this girl, with the accent on cum} but we're both in the same state {what state is that, horny? Cuz last time I checked, Connecticut and New York are close, but not yet merged}. Voting either one out just doesn't feel right. {she doesn't want to look like a total putz and yet without Lisa around, she'd have an extra male to flirt with} ... I vote to evict {um, ah she's thinking hard, trying to add up all these factors, and to remember the name of the person she wants to evict} Lisa.

Now I get it. It's not so much Roddy telling KeyWhore what to do - it's her natural tendency to trust people with penises more than people with vaginas. I propose a motto for Chiara - "When In Doubt, Slut it Out."

A whole 7 minutes of show, it must be time for another 3 minutes of commercials. Yep.

Part 4 - For My Final Trick I will Evict The Decoy

Back from the ads for cars, other shows, hair care & alcohol, Julie once more recaps for the idiotship (us). "Tonight we have a tie. 3 votes for Eric and 3 votes for Lisa {just in case someone in the audience is unfamiliar with the use of the word "tie" in this context.} Gerry is to cast the tie-breaking vote.

Now Julie recaps for the HousePlants, even tho it's news to them. "Houseguests, it's time to reveal the results of the vote. For the first time on Big Brother 3, we have a tie. {just in case someone in the BB3 house is unfamiliar with the use of the word "tie" in this context} Julie explains that there are 3 votes for Eric and 3 votes for Lisa. Gerry, as Head of Household, you must now cast the deciding vote. What's it gonna be?"

Wow lookit Julie cut to the chase!!!!

Gerry squirms. He uhms, hums, hahs, and says he thought about it, he loves them both but this is a strategical move, so I vote to evict Eric.

Big kiss from Lisa. All move to Front Door. Big Kiss from Lisa. Hugs from everyone. 2 cheek kisses from Marci. Big kiss from Lisa. Front door is stuck. Eric can't leave. Big Kiss and Hump on the Leg from Lisa. Chiara tries to join in, Lisa gives her a look {okay I'm making this last bit up.}

Eric is gone. The HousePlants are LIVE (it says on the screen). Boy, let's watch them "do stuff". Unfortunately they mill around aimlessly, fiddling with their microphones and generally staring off into space, wondering what is going to happen next. Everyone avoids looking Gerry in the eye.

Now it's time for Julie's patented Extra Stupid Questions for Departing HouseGuests. Mostly Eric's answers are to be expected, except where I've decided to put them in:

J: How shocked are you to be sitting here with me, to be evicted from the Big Brother house?
E: I'm not happy.
J: How shocked are you? You looked shell-shocked. {well if you know the answer, idiot, why bother asking the question?}
E: Did I?
J: Once again you were the decoy?
J: Do you think your romantic relationship with Lisa hurt you in the game?
J: Would you have done anything else differently if you wouldn't have taken back the romantic relationship?
J: Did anyone in particular let you down or disappoint you in the house?
E: Gerry.
J: Roddy is your buddy and Lisa is your love interest. Who are you rooting for?
E: Either one I'm sure I'm gonna get some of that fun that they use the money for.
J: And after this is all over, you and Lisa - is she the one?
E: Yeah right now, sure.

Julie pounces on that, making Eric look more idiotic than he already did. Then we get to see the stupid taped messages. Jason says "you're the greatest goombah", Roddy says I hope you're not watching this, Lisa says the usual, Marcellas promises to take Eric shopping in New York and cause a stir, Danielle says she'll miss seeing him together with Lisa. and Lisa promises to "get things done in this house that need to be done."

2nd allusion to the Twist. But first, HoH Competition. As we've had a whopping 8 minutes of show, time for more ads - 3 1/2 minutes' worth.

Part 5 - Who's a Guttersnipe?

Time for the HoH Competition. Bowling. Very similar to the Shuffleboard Challenge used in BB2. Jason voices-over an explanation that you have to get the closest to the edge of the gutter at the end of the bowling lane, without going into the gutter. We watch them practice. Now it's Julie's turn to explain the game, and to advise us that what we're seeing are the real lanes they'll be using, on which bumpers from a giant pinball game have been added. Julie recaps Jason's speech, and explains it all again, this time so she can receive the HouseGuests' grunts of acknowledgement of comprehension.

Roddy goes first and lands his ball in the gutter. True to form for him.
Jason hits a bumper, barely gets a quarter of the way up the lane. True to form for a virgin, I guess. But he's still in the game - what if everyone's ball went into the gutter? Jason would win.
Marcellas' ball goes in the gutter. He's just "too strong"
Josh gets his ball further up the lane than Jason, thus eliminating Jason.
Chiara gets the ball very close to the gutter without going in. Amazing. Hooray Josh is eliminated.
Danielle's ball is in the gutter.
Lisa's ball is in the gutter.
Chiara is crowned Guttersnipe and given the HoH key. She grabs Danielle & Lisa and the three of them give the guys the finger. YooHoo Guys, F U 2!!

Now America's Choice. The HousePlants want a housewarming gift. Jason would like a microwave, Josh wants a massage chair, and Chiara & Roddy want a blender. Call the usual number by midnight Sat. which I can't cause those in Canada need not bother. Our 99 cents isn't worth the U.S. 99 cents, and people here aren't prepared to pay $2 (including taxes) to make a selection.

A whole 5 minutes of show that was, so naturally it's time for another 3 minutes of adverts.

Part 6 The Twist
Back with Eric, Julie recaps in case a viewer just happened to tune in for the last 3 minutes of the show. "Now Eric, earlier in the night you were evicted ..."

It turns out that one week from tonight, one of the first 4 evictees will return to the show. No explanation as to how that individual will be selected, or by whom, but what has happened is that the first 3 were whisked away and have been sequestered at holiday resorts outside of the U.S.

Lori in Cancun, Tonya + chichis at Turks & Caicos Islands and Amy in "Margaritaville" aka Ixtapa Mexico. Lots of hilarity and skin shots of them all, having fun, tramping it up, each looking forward to be the one to return to the BB house next Thursday night.

Eric is totally excited about the chance to get back in the house for another crack at the half- mil. He's gonna see Lisa no matter what, he says to Julie's dumb question.

Turns out the HouseGuests will be informed of the new twist on Saturday, just as Lisa will have gotten over Eric and started making headway with Roddy.

As the lights go down on the house, we see Roddy and Lisa indeed having the first of what is likely to be their many confabs, quickly joined by Chiara & Danielle. I guess there goes Danielle's plan of exposing the fact that Chiara voted to evict Lisa - not a good idea when the TwoFaced One is HoH.

See you all Saturday night as we get to find out which of the guys Key Whore decides is not worthy of her mouth's talents. I predict Jason (who won't let her) and Gerry (who she wouldn't touch - even she has standards!)
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