LAST EDITED ON 08-27-02 AT 12:13 PM (EST)

Big Brother 3: E7 Summary
“Take My Box – Please!”
by AyaK

The second set of nominations are up, and it couldn’t have worked out better for the Alliance of Roddy, Chiara, Amy, Eric, Lisa and Josh. Yes, Marcellas nominated Josh. But the other candidate for eviction is Tonya, who got the very natural-looking (*wink, wink*) $129.99 boob job special from the surgical practice at K-mart (pain-killers, extra charge – just soak your boobs in alcohol before you come in and we’re ready to go!). Marcellas told Tonya that she was a pawn. Well, she’s about to be sacrificed in this Queen’s Gambit Accepted. (Note: that’s a chess opening, not a description of Marci. Or even the incredibly vain Roddy.) (Note II: Roddy reminds me of a character from the Bruce Lee movie, Enter the Dragon. Another character asked this guy if he was prepared for defeat, and he responded, “When it comes, I won’t even notice.” “And why is that?” “Because I’ll be too busy looking good.”)

Gerry, the nightmare of the dozens of women watching this show (yeah, I know CBS says there are millions, but c’mon – do you believe that millions would be watching this?), gets the show off to a stumbling start by sucking up to Marcellas for the nominations (as well he should, since even Dani considered nominating him). He’s clueless about how to talk to a gay man. So here’s what comes out: “You were very butch, but in a good masculine way.” As opposed to, oh, I don’t know, a bad feminine way, perhaps? Gerry’s wife must have been scraping the bottom of the barrel when she drew him.

It’s obvious that living in the cage corrupts the hamsters. Even Marcellas, who thinks that Tonya has “the heart of a whore” (just the heart, Marci?), sucks up to this woman he despises. With all this sucking going on, you’d think there would be a little more sex, wouldn’t you?

No contest, though, the suckiest of them all is Josh the lying weasel. Getting another in his neverending string of bright ideas, Josh decides that he’s going to try to get a sympathy vote from Jason because, in his view, he’s been more discriminated against than anyone else in the cage … more than Marci, the gay black man … more than Danielle, the black teenage mom. Why? Because he’s Jewish.

Now, I don’t want to mock anti-Semitism. It’s real, and there are lots of people, from the Saudi Arabian royal family and their “loot-and-steal” allies to Louis Farrankhan and his million maniacs, who hate Jews. Jesse Jetstream Jackson called New York City “Hymietown.” The head of the Southern Baptists said that God does not hear the prayers of a Jew. So I’m not trying to minimize the real discrimination that continues to exist. But, come one, Josh, let us in on the joke. Tell us that you’re just pretending to be so clueless. You really don’t believe that, do you? Oh my goodness, he does. Not even Jason can believe it.

It’s at this point in the show that I begin to wonder whether the PLO may have had a hand in casting this show. Nobody but Yasser Arafat could have believed that putting this joker in the national limelight was a bright idea.

Josh then tells Marci and Danielle that they should bond with him because the three of them are all minorities. He does everything but sing “Ol’ Man River” in his attempt to show how down he is with the bros and sistas. Marci and Dani are too polite to laugh in his face.

Oh, Josh just gives summary writers so many great moments that writing about him is just like picking the low-hanging fruit. To bring an end to this cycle of ineptitude, Josh tells the camera that “my communication skills are one of my fortes.” You couldn’t make this stuff up, because no one would believe that any individual walking the face of the earth could be so clueless. I’m not even sure that I believe it, and I saw it.

Marcellas has bigger problems than Josh, although he does think of Josh as a “hairy subhuman beast.” Marci is a “germophobe,” and he makes Felix Unger look like a slob. He’s singlehandedly going to break the BB3 budget, if the producers keep him in rubbing alcohol for all the time that he’s in the cage, because he rinses everything down repeatedly. For him, the worst thing that happened was when he loaned his electric razor to Tonya, so she could shave Josh. Poor razor. Marci thinks it now has Josh’s bad karma, and it’s going straight in the trash the moment Marci can replace it … but not yet, because bacteria can grow on hair, so Marci still needs to keep himself well-trimmed, bad karma or not.

Finally, it’s time for something other than psychotic reactions on this episode. Veto competition! Everybody’s a little afraid of winning veto, because everyone wants both Josh and Tonya gone, but only one of them can go this week – and they’re afraid that the survivor will have it in for ‘em if they don’t use veto.

The competition this time is boxing. All right! Give Josh a bloody nose, Marci! Knock Chiara’s head off, Amy! Maybe Roddy and Eric can meet in a bout, and nobody will be able to tell who is who. Oops, scratch that, it’s boxes, not boxing. Boxes? What kind of a competition can you have with boxes? Throw ‘em at each other? See if you can stuff Josh in one?

Well, what the producers had in mind was a hidden-medallion game. One of the boxes has the veto medallion in it. Whichever contestant opens it wins veto. Prior to opening, though, the hamsters get to trade boxes … or give their boxes away in return for reciprocal promises, in a game called "An Offer You Can't Refuse." Turns out, though, that most of the hamsters just say, “Take my box – Please!” The only promise they want in return is a promise not to give the box back.

Danielle doesn’t want anybody to touch her box. Neither does Amy. Chiara, on the other hand, can’t wait to open her box up. But Roddy’s not interested. Marci wants to give Josh his box. Ewww. Josh also isn’t interested. Marci asked him to act nice in return, and Josh doesn’t know how.

When all the trading is done, six of the boxes are sitting in front of Dani. Amy has two. Josh has two. Marci has one – his own. The law of averages says Dani should get the medallion, and for once, these hos don’t violate the law. Dani gets veto.

Dani hasn’t given up hope of joining the majority alliance, even if it means saving Josh’s lame butt. However, Marci tells her that he’ll refuse to nominate Gerry in Josh’s place because, as anyone with half a brain would expect, he’s grateful to Gerry for using veto on his behalf last week. However, he’s not that grateful – he’s willing to nominate Gerry if Dani spares Tonya. Since no one except for her silicone supplier wants her to stay on the show, though, Dani doesn’t have much interest in that … and she ambles away to scheme on her own about the upcoming veto ceremony.

In the meantime, a cat fight is brewing. No, it’s not between dangerkitty and hearkittykitty or Bucky Katt or even SurvivinDawg. Instead, it’s Roddy’s handiwork. Apparently Roddy was one of the losers in junior high school and wants another chance to get it right.

Despite the fact that Chiara the wanton slut is having a meltdown while waiting to have sex with him, Roddy has decided to shift some of his attentions to Amy. What’s the attraction? Amy’s deep, fakey Southern accent, which makes Scarlett O’Hara sound like a New Yorker? Her Dragon Lady makeup? Or just the chance to jerk Chiara around?

Anyway, Roddy kisses Amy in front of Chiara, apparently hoping that Chiara will go trash Amy’s locker or something. Maybe the junior-high flashback is a new experience for Chiara, too, because I can’t imaging boys fighting for her attention … except, of course, in the back seat of the car at the drive-in. Anyway, she displays all the jealousy that Roddy could have hoped for … including reacting jealously when denying being jealous!

Meanwhile, Amy has let Roddy’s attention go to her head, as she waits for it to work its way down to other parts of her body. She says, "Roddy is a hottie, but I can't stand Chiara." She offers Josh a deal: she’ll support him if he helps her get rid of a certain “white trash” person. Ms. Pot, meet Ms. Kettle.

I don’t want to underplay the importance of what’s starting to happen. Roddy and Josh have put together a dominant alliance: Roddy, Josh, Eric, Chiara, Lisa and Amy. They can have their way with the other hamsters because of their numerical superiority. After they boot Tonya this week, there will only be four unaligned people left: Dani, Jason, Gerry and Marci. So they appear assured of winning. However, thanks to Roddy’s desire to jerk these women around, the alliance is starting to rupture … and rupture badly … with the Amy-Chiara catfight. If they persist in trying to destroy each other, they could bust up their majority and become the minority. All because Roddy is an arrested 12-year-old. Oh my.

Still one more piece of time to waste before we see Dani choose not to exercise veto. It’s a challenge to win exercise equipment, and it’s … human bowling? Just when you think they can’t go any lower, lower they go.

I’ll skip any description of this – it’s too embarrassing to admit that we actually watched human bowling. Some way to treat your houseguests. You know, I’ve still never figured out why CBS calls these clowns “houseguests.” If these people came to your house, you’d run off screaming rather than even let them in the door. There are so many more appropriate terms that could be used. We use “hamsters,” since they are locked in a “cage,” but there are other names that would make even more sense. For example … “vermin” … “prisoners” … “dumb-ass media whores” … “the plague” … “Scared Straight rejects” (have you seen the police blotters on these hos?) … “weasels” … “dregs of society” … or, in LionChow’s words, “bimbos and himbos.”

Hey, wasn’t that more fun than the human bowling? Anyway, Dani wins and picks out an elliptical trainer for the hamsters.

OK, finally, we’ve reached veto. Dani asks Tonya and Josh why they should be spared. Tonya: “My plastic surgeons promised to reduce the price on my touch-up surgery if I gave their work a good plug on the show, and I need to be on here long enough to do that. And, hey, I look like this and I live in Vegas. You can imagine how I make my living. I’m not ready to go back!” Josh: “Nothing I can say will make any difference, since I’ve been shooting my mouth off all week anyway.” Dani: “Tonya, I heard from your plastic surgeons – they say your fake-looking boobs are costing them business. Josh, just the peace and quiet that would come from your boot is all the incentive that I need. NO veto!”

Josh cries. Dani tells him to stay strong and funny. Poor Josh. Strong? Funny? She might as well have asked him to morph into Clint Eastwood.

Josh’s closing line: “I’m an incredibly sensitive person.” He can’t mean that, can he? Was he being sensitive when he insulted Marci? When he said that he was more discriminated against than Dani or Marci? When he asked them for help because the “minorities” should stick together? Oh, wait, I get it – he didn’t mean that he was sensitive to OTHER PEOPLE, just that he cared a lot about HIMSELF. Well, Josh, soon you’ll have a lot more free time for your self-preoccupation.

Tune in next time for Episode 8 of BB3: “Some Silicone Sister and a Mannequin Mister.”