"Eighteen Reasons Why the French Hate American Tourists"

Previously on The Amazing Race, the most odious couple ever was finally put out of their misery as Rasshole and Cindy were thankfully eliminated. This is where Lifetime movies of the week come from. Teams raced from Venice to Vienna, leaving behind a trail of squabbling BS, blood, and spilled champagne in their wake. Nine teams are left… who will be eliminated next?

The Great Voice of Phil informs us that we are at the Seeschloss Orth, a castle in western Austria. Normally Phil is very good about pronouncing the names of exotic foreign places correctly, but he isn’t even close here. It is pronounced “Zay-shlows-ort”. See, German can be fun. Anyway, it’s snowing and the middle of the night. Steve and Josh are the first to leave. They must get to an airport and fly to Paris, where they will then have to travel by train to Le Mans and find the city’s famous racetrack to get their next clue. Because he has clearly never watched The Amazing Race before, Josh is convinced that it would be better to take a train to Salzburg instead of taking a taxi. Brilliant. The next train to Salzburg leaves at 4:52am, so they end up waiting almost two hours in the train station. Again, brilliant.

And, I have to ask, $440? What’s with all the money? Is there a hidden roadblock involving hookers and cocaine we don’t know about? What happened to making the teams spend their money wisely? This is how teams can afford to travel halfway across Austria in a taxicab.

Monica and Sheree leave next. Did you know that they are married to professional athletes? I had no idea. Why don’t they tell us these things? That’s information I would like to have known! Third to leave are Reichen, Reichen’s highlights, Chip, and Chip’s eyebrows. I had wanted to call Reichen "Reeken" because his attitude in the previous episodes has, well, reeked, but he was pretty endearing in this particular episode, so I would kind of feel guilty about calling him "Reeken". I don’t feel bad about making fun of Chip’s eyebrows though. In his defense, though, maybe his tweezers were confiscated by security at LAX. Aren’t tweezers on the list of things that you can use to hijack an airplane, like nail clippers? Fourth to leave are best friends Tian and Jaree. According to CBS, they are models. All I have to ask is, models of what? Really, I’d like to know.

Steve and Josh are still waiting at the train station while the other teams are headed to Salzburg in the back of a comfortable taxicab. Steve calls Josh "Little McScrooge". They are being particularly nasty to each other. It reminds me of Thanksgiving dinner at home. We then see the teams arrive at the Salzburg airport, where Chip barks at Reichen to "get the bags" out of the cab. Curious. I would have pegged Reichen as the "dominant" one in this relationship.

Millie and Chuck leave next. Millie says that "it’s a little hard for me to be patient sometimes." Considering that they are billed as dating for twelve years and still virgins, I find that sentence very humorous. Next to leave are Sideshow Jon and Sideshow Al. The Clowns team up with the Virgins to take a train to Munich. They are followed by David and Jeff, the most boring team ever, and Kelly and Jon, another couple that I want to beat with a tire iron.

At the airport, the representatives of Models, Ick and the Supremes (hee!) have purchased tickets to Paris via Frankfurt. Reichen and Chip are out of luck when they find out the flight is full. Too bad, guys. But it all works out in the end when they manage to snag last-minute seats.

The last team to leave the castle is Steve and Dave. One of them says that they "don’t make mistakes" and I fall off of my couch laughing. Kelly and Jon get off their train in Salzburg while the other teams continue on to Munich. Kelly is pissed because "Millie the Mole" (hee!) wouldn’t share their strategy with them and says something about throwing spitwads in her hair. Whatever, Kelly. Reichen and Chip discover, upon boarding their flight in Frankfurt, that they had inadvertently purchased business-class tickets when they should have bought regular tickets. How did they do that? Really. They then try to persuade the stewardess (like she would have any control over this anyway) to hold the flight and inconvenience all of the other passengers while they go back to the front of the airport to buy new tickets. Yeah, whatever guys. They purchase tickets for the next flight.

The other teams also arrange for flights to Paris from either Munich or Salzburg. Steve and Dave are complaining again about not being able to keep up with the younger teams. I didn’t much like this team last time when they were called the Gutsy Grannies.

Teams arrive in Paris and we are treated to some recycled scenery footage from the first Amazing Race. This race took place in January, but those beauty shots of the Arc de Triomphe were not taken in January. The Supremes and Models, Ick actually demonstrate some level of intelligence (Girl Power!) by getting directions from someone at the airport. And not from some random clueless passerby like Steve and Dave did twice in the last episode. They need to get to the Montparnasse train station. Monica and Sheree haul ass across Paris and make the first train to Le Mans. Tian and Jaree twiddle their thumbs and make the second train. And I have to ask why Reichen and Chip’s cab is anywhere near the Arc de Triomphe while going from the airport to Montparnasse. I think the driver is padding the fare a little because that is nowhere near where they should be.

I just have to add something here. The forty-five minute estimate to get from De Gaulle airport to Montparnasse via taxi is accurate, but I am firmly convinced that it would actually be quicker, and much cheaper, to go via the RER (subway). Traffic in Paris is a nightmare, and Montparnasse is in downtown Paris. The taxi would have to circumnavigate almost half the city to get there whereas the subway goes direct with only one changeover. I believe the station is Denfert-Rochereau where you have to switch from the RER to subway number four direct to Montparnasse. Just some friendly advice for the next time you go to Paris. To hell with cab rides from the airport!

The Supremes arrive first in Le Mans and make their way to the racetrack where they discover that a roadblock is a task that only one team member can perform. In this roadblock, that team member must change the tires on a racecar and take one lap around the track with a professional driver. Monica has trouble changing the tires. I’m sure she has someone to do that for her. Since she’s married to a professional athlete and all. Once they’ve completed the roadblock, they receive instructions to drive themselves to a lighthouse in Marseille. That is one hell of a drive!

The other teams arrive in France and make their way to Le Mans. Tian and Chip complete the roadblock. Reichen is too pretty to change a tire. He might get his hands dirty. Tian and Chip each want to beat the other and finish the roadblock first really, really bad. It’s kind of funny. Millie the Mole insists that Chuck do the roadblock. He then has a panic attack and asks God to help him find the strength to do it. Since God has nothing better to do with His time. How many clowns can you fit into one racecar? Sideshow Jon and Sideshow Al are about to find out! Kelly insists on doing the roadblock and then complains about it. Shut up, Kelly. Jon then makes a totally inappropriate and offensive analogy about racecars and a woman’s orgasm. Shut up, Jon. Idiots, both of you.

Reichen, Reichen’s highlights, Chip, and Chip’s eyebrows arrive in Marseille, along with Tian and Jaree, where they find out that they can’t wait at the gate. They head to a hotel. Perhaps for some iced tea and air conditioning. Who knows? The other teams arrive and when they are turned away from the gate, they go back and park on the exit ramp creating a potential hazard for other drivers. When The Guys and The Girls come back the next morning, they are directed to the gate by the security guard, which pisses off the other contestants who are parked illegally up on the exit ramp. What happens next is one of the most stupid arguments ever in the history of stupid arguments. At least as stupid at Reichen’s tantrum at the Venice train station in the previous episode. One of the air traffic controllers makes a comment about slashing someone’s tires. Shut up, you. What a bunch of crybaby morons.

Reichen and Chip turn their car around and go to the back of the line. David or Jeff (I don’t know which one is which, and I frankly don’t care) then continues to harp on Chip. Chip’s eyebrows nearly jump off his face and attack him. Tian and Jaree bicker and finally let all of the cars go through the gate before them. They must all find the lighthouse. We see an amusing shot of either Tian or Jaree hanging off the driver’s side door of a truck. I could totally see that in real life at a roadside truck stop around dusk.

Once the teams find the lighthouse, they receive instructions to drive themselves to the Gorges du Blavet and find the marked parking lot. Chip calls Reichen "honey". Reichen doesn’t strike me as the "honey"-type. "Sweetie", maybe, but not "honey". Kelly calls them the "Chippendales" (hee!). Tian and Jaree pull into a McDonald’s for directions.

Having arrived at the Gorges, Chip decides that a "marked parking lot" means "the side of the road" (hello, Heather and Eve!), so he parks the car and he and Reichen take off down some random path. What are you guys doing? Steve and Josh are tearing into each other again, and Josh complains that he can’t make an illegal u-turn because of a big metal bar down the middle of the French highway.

Some teams actually find a real parking lot and find out that they are at a detour, which is a choice between two tasks. In this detour, the choices are Ropes and Slopes. You may remember this detour from The Amazing Race 3, when the teams had the exact same choices in Cabo da Roca, Portugal. Teams must either rappel down a rock face or take a long hike to the bottom. All teams except for Flo and Zach opt to do the rappelling after Flo throws a tantrum. Just pretend there’s a dozen glazed donuts at the bottom, guys, and you’ll do fine! Once they complete the detour, they receive instructions to head to the pit stop: the Château des Alpilles. It looks like the château from Joe Millionaire. I wonder if Alex is still there, wondering where everyone is. And if you look to the right, you’ll see the spot in the woods where Evan did not have sexual relations with Sarah.

Tian and Jaree decide to go after the fast forward, which will allow them to skip the one remaining task on this leg and go directly to the pit stop. Brilliant idea, girls. To claim this fast forward, they must find the Musée des Tapisseries in Alpilles and assemble a giant puzzle depicting the château. They complete the puzzle, swipe a framed print of the château, and head off. Monica and Sheree pray before beginning their decent down the cliffs. David and Jeff are idiots and run right past the clue box, so they end up having to turn around and go back after it. They eventually get their clue, but they never actually get a clue, if you catch my meaning. One of the air traffic controllers complains about his knee again. I sure hope it doesn’t cause your hang glider to go off course in Rio!

We are treated to some ominous shots of what appears to be strong wind ripping off tree branches around the château. Unfortunately, none of them knock Kelly or Jon in the head. Tian and Jaree arrive first, still carrying their stolen artwork. Good job, Models! We see an attractive shot of Millie picking at her Mole and she and Chuck, and Sideshow Jon and Sideshow Al, arrive second. Good job, Virgins! Good job, Clowns! Monica and Sheree arrive fourth. Good job, Supremes! Reichen and Chip arrive fifth. They made up a lot of time, it seems. Good job, Chippendales! David and Jeff arrive sixth. I still hate you both. Kelly and Jon arrive seventh. I hate you too. Steve and Dave arrive eighth. I don’t like you either. Whiners.

But where are Steve and Josh? Did they get all the way to the Italian border before turning around? We finally see some footage of them rappelling and looking over the beautiful majestic vista of the French mountains as the Great Voiceover of We’re So Screwed tells us how much they’ve grown as a team, and so on. They are the last team to arrive and are eliminated. Tough break, you two. At least you lasted one leg longer than the last father/son team. But we never did get to see Josh do a back flip.

On the next episode of The Amazing Race Around Europe, teams head to Amsterdam. And there will apparently be a lot of bickering and grabbing of maps between Tian and Jaree. I think it’s safe to say they’ll be around for one more leg at least.

Chris