Big Brother 3: E6 Summary
“Peanut Butter … and Jelly Bellies”
by AyaK

It’s been less than two weeks, and the hamsters are already getting agitated in their cage. At least, the self-proclaimed dominant alliance of Roddy, Chiara, Eric, Lisa, Josh and Amy is agitated. They booted Gerry from their team for saving Marcellas with the veto and generally being too gross to stand and replaced him with Amy. Then they found out that Lori only got 6 votes … meaning that one of their team defected in the vote. Who knows why? Josh does, because he was the traitor. For once, he kept his word to somebody – he had promised Lori that he wouldn’t vote for her, apparently hoping to get lucky if she stayed. Now he’s back to his usual self: lying weasel.

Worst of all for the alliance, though, Marcellas is the new HoH. No doubt that he’ll nominate two alliance members for ouster. Josh knows, just knows, he’s gonna be one of them (gee, Josh, you think so? Just because you couldn’t pass up an opportunity to be rude and nasty to Marcellas last week?). Each of the rest of the alliance hopes that he or she won’t be the other. Actually, they’d like to see Gerry go. Not just because he saved Marcellas, but also because he wears what looks like a K-mart imitation of Jason’s mask from the Friday the 13th movies to sleep at night. Of course, Jason only killed people engaged in illicit behavior. So that means that … uh … I guess just about all of the hamsters have reason to be afraid of a Jason-wannabe.

Eric, though, sticks up for the mask. He says that it cuts down on Gerry’s snoring. And he knows this … how? Did he take the mask off in the middle of the night so that he could hear how loud Gerry snored without it? Or is he just guessing, based on his deep knowledge of the human condition … knowledge evidenced in his decision to skip out of his firehouse for two months to play media whore, a decision which was certain to make him popular with his bosses, who were probably arguing for more firemen right when it came out that a fireman could take off for two months without ever being missed.

Apparently, though, the women have satisfied themselves that Gerry isn’t about to pull a "Nightmare on Elm Street," because they feel free to expose their inner selves in their pursuit for beauty. What would make their inner selves feel beautiful right about now? Taking off all the clothes covering their outer selves, of course. Chiara is already used to taking off all her clothes every hour or so, and this unnatural covered state is very hard on her.

Of course, full nudity isn’t suitable for prime time, and these hos want to make sure they get their entire 15 minutes of fame. So the women decide to make bikinis out of flowers. Danielle, who learned the consequences of getting naked at 16 and doesn’t seem to have forgotten them, declines to participate, but the rest of the women enthusiastically make sure that they are barely covered. Amy, who has previous beauty pageant experience (she was “Miss Trailer Park Trash 1998”), decides that this should be a beauty pageant, that she should be the announcer/judge, and that the men should participate too. Oh, goody.

Marcellas has a dilemma. Should he join the men, as Marcellas, or the ladies, as Marci? Ultimately, Marci spares us from The Crying Game II by deciding not to participate.

Time for the women to try on their bikinis. Pop! Pop! Off come the strings. All that work wasted. Will they choose to remain dressed? Of course not. Instead, the ladies activate their collective brain power and decide to use PEANUT BUTTER to stick the flowers on. Good lord, PEANUT BUTTER? Do any of these bimbos know anything other than “101 techniques to blow his mind … or other parts”? If they ever took any chemistry other than Pheromones 101, they might figure out why peanut butter is spreadable at room temperature: it’s very close to its melting point, where it becomes a liquid. They might also remember, if they ever learned it, that the exterior of their skin is warmer than room temperature, which is why it feels so cool to enter a room-temperature swimming pool. They might even figure out that if you take something that’s very close to its melting point at room temperature and put it in contact with something that’s hotter than room temperature, it will melt.

Naah, these whores never paid attention to discussions about “hotter” when they were in school. That was just too close to “hooters” … and their dreams of future silicone deposits distracted them. So they lather up in peanut butter, stick the flowers on themselves, and … end up naked, as the peanut butter melts and the flowers drop away.

The women don’t seem at all embarrassed about being naked in a room full of men. Guess they’ve experienced it before. But Jason the Holy Virgin feels embarrassed enough for all of them and makes sure to tell us all about it in his confessional.

Now that the women have had their turn showing off what God and so-so plastic surgeons gave them, it’s the men’s turn. The men have decided to make costumes out of household items. Oh joy. Unfortunately, Gerry decides to participate. Even more unfortunately, he decides to dress up as … a sumo wrestler? Well, he certainly has the belly for it. Santa would be jealous of how much it jiggles. The ladies stifle their laughter. Good thing Gerry’s happily married, because he’s firmly established his position on this show: every woman’s worst post-marriage nightmare come to life.

Someone has to win the contest, and the bulk of the laughs go to Roddy, who has decided to be a flasher. Uh, huh, perfect. When he opens his robe, and the women’s eyes instinctively flick down to his groin, they see … a strategically-placed picture of Marci covering his private parts! Cute idea. Amy declares him the King and Chiara the Queen of the hamster beauty pageant. No reward, though – not even a new treadmill. All they get is an awkward kiss from each other. Then the women go take a bath, not that they need one or look and smell like they’re covered in sticky, gooey, liquefied peanut butter or anything.

Now it’s time for the Food Challenge. If seeing Gerry naked from the waist up wasn’t disgusting enough, the challenge involves dividing into two teams and chowing down on a house made of brownies. The team that GAINS THE MOST WEIGHT IN 15 MINUTES wins. Who thought up this challenge, the Anorexia Foundation? Just what everyone in America wants to do – step on a scale on national TV. Talk about a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips…

The teams are chosen by the two captains, who are Roddy and Danielle. Roddy ends up with three guys (himself, plus Josh and Jason) plus two women (Amy and Lisa); Dani has only two guys (Gerry and Eric) plus three women (herself, Chiwhora and Tonya). Losing team has to eat peanut butter and jelly for the rest of the week. Winning team gets to eat anything, if they still want to after eating all this brownie.

To get through the layers of dry brownie, the hamsters are provided with a pitcher of milk and a glass of water each. And this gives Roddy an idea. Because it’s so rare that a hamster has any idea, let alone a good idea, See-BS gives it full coverage.

Unlike the peanut butter hos, Roddy actually learned something in school and wants to show it off. Something about how liquids are both dense and easily absorbed by the body. Therefore, Roddy advises his team to skate at the boundaries of the rules: forget about the brownie, but drink lots of milk and water. And that’s just what happens. While Dani’s hos try to mash through the brownie, Roddy’s brain-enriched gang guzzles everything in sight. Jason not only drinks his own glass of water but drinks Dani’s glass too.

When all is said and done, it’s time for a weigh-in. And … wait a minute, is that a pickle in Josh’s pocket, or is he just happy to see Amy? No, it’s neither! It’s brownie! Josh stuffed his pockets with the stuff. Naturally, he is caught and disqualified. At this point, the rabbi of Josh’s temple, who is watching this show at home, wonders why men from other temples who go on reality shows end up being brainy, likeable types like Ethan from Survivor or at least brainy, devious types like Michael from Love Cruise, but the best candidate that his flock can produce is this total moron.

So, now it’s down to 4 against 5. However, since the rest of Roddy’s team followed his advice and guzzled everything liquid in sight, they still win easily even without Josh the cheating moron. Jason alone gained over five pounds in 15 minutes. FIVE POUNDS? At that rate, he’ll have a jelly belly to rival Gerry’s by the time he gets out of the cage.

After the challenge, Marci calls Josh the “vilest human being ever.” Who said that Americans weren’t going to forget September 11, 2001?

Josh, naturally, decides that this is the right moment to plead his case for not getting nominated to Marci. Poor Josh. I can just see some trial lawyer sitting in his office now, preparing a lawsuit on Josh’s behalf … against God, for failing to give Josh any morals or any brains. Josh asks Marci to nominate Gerry. Yeah, Marci is real likely to nominate the person who used Veto last week to save him. Good move, Josh.

Josh hasn’t dug his grave deep enough yet, so he goes to Dani, trying to get her to tell him about her own deal-making activities. Dani is far to smart to tell her secret deals to Radio Free Josh, but she does ask him about his role in nominating Marci the week before. Josh denies having any involvement in the nomination. See-BS immediately shows us a clip of Josh first suggesting to the alliance that they target Marcellas. Oh, it’s going to be so sad for the poor producers when Josh gets the inevitable boot, because they won’t be able to sit back and just wait for Josh’s next entry in the “Great Moments in Lying” contest.

Dani actually does go talk to Marci about nominating Gerry, though. She starts to tell Marci that she talked to Josh … and Marcellas immediately cuts her off, telling her not to believe a word that Josh says. Do you think so, Marci? What gave it away first? Perhaps the fact that Josh’s nose is now six inches longer than when BB3 started less than two weeks ago?

Marci tells everyone that he based the nominations on “humanity.” Since so few of the hamsters show any human traits at all, he must have had a very rough time with them. Josh and Tonya find themselves keyless (and thus, are the two nominations to be booted this week). Marci tells Josh that he’s a “disruptive influence” and offers him some more brownie to stuff in the front of his pants, so he won't look like the dickless weasel that he really is. He tells Tonya that she’s just a “pawn.” Tonya looks relieved. Poor Tonya apparently never played chess. Tonya, uh, pawns get sacrificed.

Josh gets mad. Ahhhh, pooooor Jooooosh. He never did anything wrong, just schemed and lied and cheated and tried to get Marci booted off the show, and now that mean butch Marci is picking on him, trying to get his butt booted in return. Marcellas tells him that the nomination is personal, but isn’t in retaliation for Josh’s attempt to boot Marci. Sure. As the cameras start to fade out, we see that Marci’s nose has started to rival Josh's…

Tune in for our next exciting episode from the cage on See-BS, E7: “Take My Box. Please!”