Average Joe 2 Hawaii – The Island of Misfit Boys

No one knows more about dating dufuses than I do. I’m not proud of it, but there is a long line of nerds in my romantic history. You know what? Some nerds are sexy. They are super-intense and usually quite devoted. (To both their girlfriends and the works of C.S. Lewis).

But this is no average gathering of the math club we’re dealing with here. This is a neverending parade of freaks, geeks and pimply ass cheeks. It may be called Average Joe 2 Hawaii, but ain’t nobody getting leid.

The show starts with a barrage of shots of a bikini-clad Larissa Meeks, the latest victim. Larissa is way hot. Of course this means I hate her. We learn that Larissa thinks love at first sight is possible. The caveat being that love at first sight is possible if you are looking at Andrew Dan-Jumbo. What Larissa doesn’t know yet is that there will be no Andrew Dan-Jumbo on this show. Plain old jumbos, however, will be readily available.

The opening montage shows scenes from the upcoming episodes. We see Larissa making out with hot guys and wearing an enormous amount of makeup. We also learn a little bit about her. She’s a 24-year-old artist from St. Louis and the 4th runner up for the 2001 Miss USA pageant.

Larissa’s downfall in the pageant was the interview competition. So, do you think expecting her to carry her own show where presumably she will have to talk is a good idea? Of course it is – because she won the swimsuit competition. Like anyone cares about her personality.

The scenery is really beautiful too. The big island of Hawaii is breathtaking. Larissa looks right at home there. The producers should have picked an island setting for Melana’s show too. Three Mile Island would have been perfect for her!

Now it’s time to meet some of the Average Joes. I’m all atwitter with excitement!

First up is David, 24. David can best be described as a motorized hairball on a stick. He confides that he used to be a nerd and that people have called him poop head before. We’ve since learned that David is also an actor. His credited roles include Geek, Sandwich Geek, Geek on Scooter and Background Geek. Gosh, I hope this show doesn’t typecast him.

Next we meet Fredo, a 31-year-old cement contractor from Cleveland. I’m torn here. Part of me wants to remind all of you what happened to the middle Corleone brother at the end of Godfather Part II. And part of me wants to make some reference to Frodo the hobbit. But both parts of me are a little afraid that dissing Fredo might mean sleeping with the fishes. So, let’s stay positive and say that despite the gold chain, ’roid rage, receding hairline, wrestler’s ponytail and expansive body hair, Fredo seems like quite the catch.

Here’s comes 29-year old Tim from Arkansas. I’d tell you what impression he made on me, but he didn’t actually make one. Seems quiet, has very pretty eyes and may turn out to be Richie Cunningham’s long-lost brother from Happy Days. He’s cute. Relatively speaking of course.

Boston Brian manages to hide the accent for a little while. He can’t, however, hide the fact that he was dropped at birth.

Bill is a pleasingly plump account from New Jersey who doesn’t appear to have a personality.

Sean is a chef and explains that he’s put on some weight recently, so he doesn’t feel real comfortable in his skin. Sean seems like a nice, normal guy. But Sean needs to stop trying to grow that scraggly goatee. It’s not hiding the double chin, hon. We can still see it, so do us all a favor and shave off the Chia beard.

Donato has a very sweet smile and a great sense of humor. I know this because Donato said two of the lines I had planned for the summary. I’d be mad at him for beating me to the punchline on the Ritalin thing, but he just seems too good-natured. Domo Origato Mr. Donato. Yeah, I don’t know what it means either, but that freaking song is stuck in my head now anyway.

Thomas is 5’4” and overcompensating.

Matt Botti. Bless his heart. I love him. He’s got a speech impediment, and his braces make him drool, but he’s so optimistic that I just want to hug his neck. Botti feels he has conquered his nerdiness. You go Nerd Boy! You! Go!

I can’t decide whether Chris is trying to emulate Elvis, Buddy Holly or my hairy Uncle Moe. This is what Luke Perry would have looked like on 90210 if there weren’t stylists around to contain the sideburns and pompadour. Guys, if your hair is receding, don’t try to make up for that in height, ok? The ozone layer is fragile and Aqua Net is so not eco-friendly.

We are given a brief reprieve from the parade of geeks to see Larissa checking out her bachelorette pad. The producers have provided her with canvases and paint so she can work (which will be good since the dates aren’t going to be very exciting). They’ve also framed some of her paintings. My notes also indicate that Larissa made a -quote – obvious and lame analogy – end quote during this segment. I just neglected to write down what it was. And it really irks me that her earrings match her bikini – that is taking perfection just too damn far. In case anyone was wondering, I’m being so hard on Larissa because I’m bitter, resentful and jealous.

Back to the dorks:

Justin is a 27-year-old scientist. His nickname is Booger. Do you really need to know anything more about Justin?

Brian G. has no personality and ears like Dr. Spock. Do you really need to know anything more about Brian G.?

C.J. claims to be 27 but looks like he’s only a few birthdays away from AARP discounts. He’s also got really bad tattoos. He covers them up with a Hawaiian shirt from the Jim Nabor’s Collection. And dude – you’re not in the Backstreet Boys. YOu are a little long in the tooth to be called CJ. Refer to yourself Christopher like any self-respecting 45-year-old man would do.

Robert is an engineer from Louisiana. He says he looks like Adam Sandler. I say he looks like the guy who did the pastry in American Pie. I also say it’s not a good thing to look like either one of those guys.

Next we meet Tony. Tony has no sweat glands and what he calls creative facial hair. Does this strike you as a winning combination?

Sam is a graphic designer from St. Louis. Looks like he and Larissa have some things in common. It could be true love. In Bizarro World.

Mike S is a former band geek. He played the cymbals. Talk about your babe magnet. Wow.

Phuc – a guy named Phuc! It’s a late Christmas present for this summary writer. What the Phuc is up with this name?! Phuc it, let’s move on.

We’re then treated to a sweeping shot of all the Joes shirtless. Ladies and gentlemen, this is an alarming array of pasty white flesh and irregular body hair.

They refer to themselves as living on Loser Island and anoint themselves blimps and wimps. I am immediately irritated that I did not think of either of these on my own.

The producers want to make sure the viewers realize how inept, lame and hopeless these guys are. Submitted for your approval – some snapshots of the dating damned:

Boston Brian keeps saying things like “wicked pissa”. I always thought that Jimmy Fallon thing on SNL was a parody, but I guess not. I’m thinking Brian may shout out NOMAR any second.

When checking out the bunk beds, someone wisely chimes in with some sage advice: “No fat guys on top.” In a strange coincidence, this is also my New Year’s Resolution.

David clearly needs to be sedated. Or killed. He jumps on the furniture, has several epileptic fits and does something he apparently considers an interpretive dance.

David and his manic antics seem to get on everyone nerves. But these are not boys with room to complain.

Mike unveils some truly horrid tattoos. Fredo swings his ponytail around like a helicopter blade, Robert sounds like Justin Wilson’s mongoloid grandson. And my beloved Phuc morphs in to some kind of hip hop Chinese accountant. If Eminem is a wigger, Phuc is a chigger. There’s something inherently appealing about a corpulant Chinese accountant who raps. No, really. There is.

Tony explains how his “creative beard” attracts women. Mike, who is almost normal looking proves he belongs on this freak show by cleaning the pool and lining up his shoes under his bed like an anal-retentive Rain Man. I am SO turned on right now.

Someone notify Date Patrol – we’ve got a whole season’s worth of winners for you! These guys are pathetic. Tiny Tom, our height-challenged contestant showcases his dancing and rapping prowess. The midget has some street cred. Seseme Street cred. So, if Eminem is a wigger and Phuc is a chigger, by default we can christen the pygmy a pigger. Yo. Yo. Yo.

Chef Sean tells us once again that he used to be thin. Of course you did sweetie. Have a cookie.

Botti expresses confidence in himself again – which is so sweet and so alarmingly misguided.

Faux Elvis and Botti get in what they think is a hot tub. Elvis is shaking in a very unElvis like manner. Turns out they are not chillin in a hot tub - they are freezing in a fountain. Dorks.

The boys are getting ready to throw a toga party. A toga party without chicks – yeah, that’s cool! If by cool you mean really really sad. Plus, appearing shirtless on TV is not a good idea for any of you.

Fredo tells us that people pay attention when he walks in the room. Dude, why do you think that is? You’re scary.

David mentions that this is one of the best things that ever happened to him and that he could die happy now. It’s at this point I realize that I have handbags that weigh more than David. And I hate to keep focusing on this guy, but his après fountain hair looks very Princess Leia. And there are quite a few guys who look like Jabba the Hut around. No wonder David is so happy!

I should also note that the glasses on Faux Elvis are killing me! Where is the TCB medallion and eagle belt buckle – you know he has them.

We now cut to Larissa saying there’s a possibility of love at first sight. BWAHAHAHA! There’s also a possibility I’ll get back into a size 7 jean, but I’m not counting on it.

Larissa is waiting for her Prince Charmings to arrive. A limo pulls up and out steps Jim, a not-so-handsome hunk. He tells her she’s beautiful and that he’s not one of the eighteen men she’ll be dating.

18 men. 18! No wonder I’m so exhausted. There are 18 dorks on this show. Even Survivor keeps the number of freaks steady at 16. Phuc this – premiere episodes SUCK!

Jim gets back in the limo and drives away. Closely followed by the arrival of the Bus of the Damned. The Winnebago of the Wusses, the Titanic of Tubbies.

Now it’s Larissa’s turn to meet the Average Joes. I find this way annoying since we all just met them like 15 minutes ago. Why Parade the Poop Heads in front of us again?

A few notable entrances: First off is David. Larissa looks frightened. I feel pleased. Faux Elvis has changed into formal wear (a bolo tie), Fredo is chomping gum when he talks to her then calls her a piece of ass. CJ has recently developed a cold sore the size of Vermont right on his lip.

Donato and Sam are reasonably charming and self-possessed. Good for them! Boston Brian says something but who knows what it was. Phuc is so nervous and flustered, all he can say is “daaaaaaaaaaamn” Somewhere George Carlin smiles.

All the boys are awfully excited to meet Larissa. I wonder how she feels about them. To satisfy this curiousity, the producers show us exclusive behind-the-scenes footage of Larissa discussing her new beaux.

She’s not taking this parade of man meat well. Basically she has a panic attack at the thought of dating or even interacting with these guys. I’m no mind reader, but I’m pretty sure she wasn’t saying “Phuc, Phuc, Phuc” over and over because she was excited about the prospect of some alone time with the chubby accountant.

She also asks the producers if they dorked the guys up a little bit to make them look worse. Nope, the wardrobe decisions were all their own. Larissa is ticked because she thought the twists in the game would be more to her favor. Right Larissa, like God hasn’t given you enough breaks already. Cry me a river.

After a few moments of personal reflection and a brief consultation with an attorney, Larissa decides to make the best of it. She’s no longer mad and is now looking forward to getting to know these wonderful men.

As she enters the room, the Joes crowd around her and try to impress her with their GPAs, video game scores and Star Trek collectibles. They are all starting to feel a little proud of themselves. David goes so far as flirting with the bartender.

Larissa and creative facial hair Tony have an immediate connection. They are both artists from the same city. Tony pees on her leg to stake his claim.

Sam tells David he won’t play the hometown connection since Tony has already used it. Of course, the second sentence out of his mouth when he has alone time with her is that he’s from St. Louis and is a graphic artist.

Larissa does a good job of getting some alone time with most of the guys. And the guys are pretty encouraging to each other as well. It’s enough to give me the warm fuzzies. They might all be human after all.

Robert is trying very hard to be smooth, but it just isn’t his night. He’s so nervous!

Larissa leads all the guys over to one of those instant photo booths. Faux Elvis is first and tells her that his favorite movie is Grease. That is so shocking! He then sings some of Greased Lightening to her. I know that would totally turn me on. The two of them end up so far apart in the photo booth that they are probably in different ZIP codes.

Brian G saw The Bachelorette so he tries some poetry on Larissa. But Brian is not an incredibly hot fireman from Vail, so it doesn’t seem to be working.

Thomas raps for her. Why, I do not know. And Boston Brian reminds me of a younger, dorkier David Byrne. No, I didn’t think it was possible to look dorkier than David Byrne either. But it is. Wicked pissa indeed.

It’s off to commercials again. Do any of you think it’s weird that Zelnorm – a medicine for irritable bowel syndrome is a sponsor of this show?

Thankfully it’s now time for the elimination ceremony. Four men will be put back on the bus. How sad must it be to be the biggest loser on this show?

CJ is the first person Larissa eliminates. He thinks it’s because he wasn’t aggressive enough. Um, no, CJ. It’s the mouth herpes. And then he kisses her on the way out with that open sore. Someone get this guy a lip prophylactic - STAT!

Next off is Robert. The Cajun engineer was just too nervous and insecure. Robert says he’s going home a goober. No argument here, dude.

Larissa gives Faux Elvis the boot next. She finds the whole fifties thing a bit of an obstacle to intimacy. Personally, I’d be counting my blessings at any and all obstacles to intimacy with these guys.

And last is Matt Botti. This just breaks my heart. I kinda like the guy. Botti is philosophical about the whole thing. “I feel sssso sssssad but it won’t sssstop be. I’ll sssstill keep trying. I conssssider mysssself to be sssuper sssexy.”

Finally, Larissa congratulates the remaining men on not being rejected by someone as wonderful as her. Yet.

Next Week on Average Joe 2: the cast takes a tour of the islands. They’ll see volcanoes and pristine beaches. It looks like they even go whale watching - or Phuc and Donato may just go swimming. I can’t really tell.