The Official TAR 4 Summary, Episode 2:
"The Phantom Venice"
or
Quoth The Raven, "God, you people SUCK."

Last week, on The Assholes Return, the teams started in LA, the City of Angels Who Have Misbehaved And Are Being Punished, the City of Dreams (like El Dorado, or the kind from which you awaken in a cold sweat, clutching the moist blankets and sobbing softly, like when you dream of your summary having to follow the Immortal And Not-To-Be-Buggered Landru's...oh, wait, maybe that's just me), and ended up in Cortina, Italy, because there isn't anywhere interesting to stop and explore in the intervening 15,000 miles. Or at least, nobody decided to pony up the necessary expenses to have their country appear as a potential destination for vacationing American families. And after watching previous intallments of TAR, if that's the only acquaintance they have with Americans, I can't say as I blame them.

Well, that's not exactly true. We can always blame Canada. But I digress.

Anyway, last week, Debra and Steve, the team of married parents whose combined weight would make Atlas cower in fear, were eliminated. This is fortunate, as it spares us the future scene of Debra being hunted by native tribespeople mistaking her for a large, blubbery mammal. Oh, wait...never mind.

Now there are 11. They leave from the Pit'N'Pendulum Stop at 11:32 p.m., in the order and intervals in which they arrived. This is:

1)Amanda and Chris, a dating couple. She is, for lack of a more poetic term, spunky (although the pigtails are a bit much). He is, for lack of a more poetic term, pissy (and way too skinny for my taste...among other things). She says they don't get along unless they're travelling; since they seem to take great pleasure in making each other's lives a bitter, fetid, bleak little slice of Hell, I'd hate to see what they're like in non-Race life. In the interest of representin' their home state of South Dakota (also "a bitter, fetid, bleak little slice of Hell," according to the South Dakota Chamber of Commerce), and because I almost sort of like them, I will refer to them as Team Tink.

1)Millie and Chuck (and yes, you read that right...three teams tied for first place on purpose, which I find morally repugnant and reprehensible). They have been dating for 12 years, and claim to be virgins (and if CBS tells us so, they must have the medical records to prove it). This is all well and good and I applaud their fortitude. (Or the next best thing: their three-and-a-half-itude. Yeah, I know, that was god-awful. Sorry. I blame the drugs.) However, Chuck claims that the reason they haven't gotten married yet is because he's afraid of commitment. Um...Chuck? Small clue: You've been dating for 12 years and haven't had sex. If that ain't commitment, I don't know what is. Psst, Millie...a clue for you, too: When a guy you've been dating forever but who won't pop the question says, "I would, but I'm afraid of commitment," it means, "I'm only with you until something better comes along. Maybe with bigger tits or a pierced tongue." Move on. Now. Maybe you can find your dream guy -- you know, someone with a diamond in one hand and a bottle of "Dr. TechNoir's Premium Strawberry-Flavored Massage Oil" in the other. Because of their extreme control, family values, and sexual repression, I'll refer to them as Team Ashcroft.

1)(again...grrrrr)Steve and Josh, a former prison guard and his Freak offspring, who are using The Race as a journey of emotional healing between an estranged father and son (you can hear the strains of "Just The Two of Us" in the background). If you look closely, you can see Josh's book of angst-filled poetry (you just KNOW he writes poetry. He probably knows all the rhymes for "misery" by heart) sticking out of his bag. If you look more closely, directly into Steve's eyes, you can see...the back of Steve's impenetrably moronic, buzz-cut head. It's all fated to end in Thanksgiving-dinner gunfire at some point. I call them Team Springer.

4)Monica and Sharee, moms and NFL wives. Why two women who live the rather pampered lives of professional sports wives would volunteer to go on this race is beyond me (well, there's always "slumming"). I keep waiting for one of them to shriek, "Stop The Race! I broke a nail," because, as far as I've seen, they whine about everything. They are also, as my predecessor pointed out, the only openly non-Caucasian team. Despite the attempt that CBS made to find the most interesting, compelling team of non-Caucasians possible to distract us from the fact that they are, indeed, the only non-Caucasian team, they are, obviously, Team Token.

5)Steve and Dave, old guys, friends, and air-traffic controllers from Chicago. Does anyone else feel their stomach dropping, knowing that these guys are the ones in charge of their lives when they're flying? I would say they're an accident waiting to happen, but Dave injured his knee last week, which we know because he whimpered about 25 times, "It hurts like hell, Steve." Bah. I've done a lot of things that, I promise you, hurt far worse, and I didn't have the chance of winning a million dollars for doing them (editor's note: if you don't tell me how much you love my summary, I will describe these experiences to you in excruciating detail. Here's a hint: they start with "L", and end with "abor"). They are now Team Geezer.

6)Kelly and Jon, a newly engaged couple. I'd say "a freshly engaged couple" but nothing about them seems particularly fresh ("Would you care for some salad dressing, madam?" "No, thank you, just some vinegar and water"). She is a vivacious redhead from Texas and should be continuously slapped for excessive perkiness. He's a Guido-wannabe from New Jersey and should be continuously slapped on that principle alone. They're annoyingly adorable. CBS is pushing them on us as America's Sweethearts. They're Team Retch.

7)Jon and Al, best friends and circus clowns (but then, I suppose anyone you spend hours crushed against in a tiny car becomes your best friend pretty quickly). They amuse and frighten me at the same time, as all clowns do. Clowns are natural DAWs; they have no shame, they must be the center of attention, and under the cover of their cheerfully-painted faces there are evil brains bent on taking over the world, sort of like Sideshow Bob. I call them Team Shakes.

8)Russell and Cindy, the TAR must-have "confused couple." Their bio lists them as Friends/Dating, which is what he thinks and she thinks, in that order. He seems to be stupidly unaware of her constant, lust-filled, smouldering sidelong glances, and she seems to be stupidly unaware of his continuing, persistent ignorance of same. (MUST there be a bunny-boiling stalker freak on EVERY reality show?) At least they agree on one thing: She loves him, and he loves him. They are Team Delusional.

9)Reichen and Chip, the married gay couple who keep wondering if they should "come out" to the other teams, despite the fact that the other teams have figured this out by now. Well, all the other teams but David and Jeff (see below), but that's because they're afraid that if Reichen and Chip, who David and Jeff think are just best friends, are actually gay, then that means they *gasp*...and there, their brains shut down (which is not a complicated process). For a team name, I wanted something that reflected both their Aryan good looks and their occasionally frowned-upon lifestyle. I chose Team Santorum.

10)David and Jeff, who are JUST best friends, and not a married gay couple, or air traffic controllers, or clowns, or models. They're apparently not even virgins, although why is unclear. Their behavior and "personalities" do not seem conducive to maintaining a relationship through more than about 10 minutes' time, but then again, that may be all they need. They describe themselves as "strategic" but they think that means "plays a lot of Stratego." I've had mozzarella cheese that was sharper -- and possibly less white -- than these guys. They are Team Dork.

11)Tian and Jaree, friends and models. A moment, please. Their profiles on the CBS website say that Tian lived in Paris for six months, and has travelled all over Europe and the Caribbean; Jaree spent eight freakin' years travelling in Europe and the Middle East, and neither of them speaks any foreign languages. I suppose they don't feel that they need to speak any, since "look at my large American breasts" seems pretty clear in any dialect. A further tidbit: Tian is a lesbian, and Jaree is not, although Jaree says that if Tian ever hit on her, that would be it for their friendship. Let's see...Tian is attracted to girls. Jaree is a girl. Therefore, Tian must be attracted to Jaree; the logic is faultless. Tian fears sharks (which is okay, as sharks fear her, too). Jaree fears being lost, which must put her in a constant state of fight-or-flight. In deference to the precisely correct diagnosis of Dr. Landru (honorary Ph.D. from Whatsamatta U), I will dub them Team STD.

Phil Keoghan, whose last name is only correctly pronounced by hacking up 4 ounces of phlegm, explains that the teams must now proceed 1.5 miles (oh, the humanity!) through Cortina to the Trampolino Olimpico. I was not aware that "The Man Show" had petitioned for this Olypic event, but I'm not anxious to see Geezers jumping around in Catholic schoolgirl outfits. Once they arrive, they are to take a Raft Van to the top of one of the old ski jumps and fly down it on a raft "at breakneck speed" (we can only hope, Phil). At the bottom is the next route marker.

Josh tells us that he and his dad didn't get along all that well when he was a teen. This makes he and his dad Unique and Special, because that almost NEVER happens in father/son relationships. Teams Ashcroft and Tink are asking for directions. Chris confides that when he's being a total micromanaging jackass that it upsets Amanda. We are shocked, oh yes we are. I mean, who doesn't like to be micromanaged?

Chuck, upon seeing the ski jump for the first time: "Oooh, it's steep." It should be mentioned that these teams were all chosen for their ability to grasp and express to us, the viewers, the painfully obvious. Check your personal Painfully Obvious Exclamation (P.O.E.) scorecard (*tick*) every time you see one. There will be a prize for the winner! (Okay, there won't. Just shut up and play along.)

The Springers say that the other teams in first place (grrrrr) will go first, then they'll all wait and go together when they're done (grrrrr). The Ashcrofts go first. Millie screams like she's having the thrill of her life, which, come to think of it, she probably is. They are the first to reach the Route Marker, which tells them that they are to proceed to the Ponte Della Guglia ("The Point of Gargling") Bridge in Venice by train. There are two possible trains: Calalzo, which is closer but leaves later, or Alpi, which is farther away, but leaves earlier. It's like a math student's nightmare.

The Tinks sled. We slowly realize we're going to have to watch 11 teams do the same damn thing and it's not going to get any more interesting. We double our meds. You should, too. It might make this funnier.

The Springers sled. Josh exclaims, "Hold me, I'm so scared, Daddy!" I think he's joking, but I don't want to think about it too much.

The other teams do, in fact, wait for them (grrrrr), and they start searching for the train station. Millie volunteers, "There's a hotel up here on the right," which explains what she was doing during the Mandatory Rest Period. They ask for the fastest way to get to Venice, and are told Calalzo. They hire a minivan to take them to the station. They do not know when the train will leave, but, as Chris says, "If we're here too long, the other teams might catch up to us, and then our lead is gone." (*tick*). And Lord knows you NEVER see that sort of thing happen during The Race.

Team Token takes off. Monica tells us that they just want to prove that they are Very Strong Women, even though they are essentially human poodles without the bad haircuts.

The Geezers leave next. Steve, whose eyes look like Marty Feldman's, except with bigger dark circles, says, "We're hurt, but we just need to get a little gas back in our tanks." I wouldn't want to be trapped in a train car with them afterwards.

Team Token sleds. They are demonstrating their extreme inner woman strength by fearlessly sledding down a hill. I am moved. I hear them roar.

Team Retch kiss, then open their clue. I told you so. Jon is wearing a knit cap with ear flaps that tie with a string under his chin. I wonder if he's wearing idiot mittens, too (editor's note: idiot mittens are those mittens that have a string that goes from one mitten up your arm and around your neck and down to the other mitten, so if you grab someone's left mitten and pull hard enough, they slap themselves in the face with their right hand. This memory brought to you by Metamucil.).

Kelly, to Jon, who wants to walk to save money: "Jon, we can't chance walking. Just quit being cheap. This isn't the time." Right, the time was when he found you. And then again when he bought the ring.

Kelly, in confessional: "We're engaged now. I need to show him that our life together will be every bit as exciting as his bachelorhood." Apparently, she feels that carping on his every move equals "exciting." See? Everyone loves micromanagement.

The Geezers sled, then decide to wait at the bottom for the next team, so they can steal their cab. Smooooooth.

Team Retch arrives. Kelly wonders aloud, "Where's the top of the hill at?" (*tick*) Their cab, rather than letting them out at the bottom of the hill, has let them out at the top. They did not ride the Raft Van, and so have no raft, and must return to the bottom of the hill. Jon does the logical thing: take a running leap and slide down the ski jump like a suicidally idiotic penguin. Dave, watching this display, says he hopes that Jon doesn't get hurt badly. We do.

Dave, after further evaluation, adds, "What an idiot." (*tick*)

Kelly follows, screaming "OhmigodOhmigodOhmigod" in horrified exhilaration and at 3 octaves above middle C. Why is no one slapping her?

Dave, ever curious, wants to see "who these two idiots are." (Anyone have a mirror?) Once they are correctly identified as Team Retch, Dave remarks, "Huh. I did not think they were that stupid."

We did.

Team Shakes departs and finds a cab. They explain that they do "crazy things" to keep their spirits up. They are shown yawning. It does nothing for my spirit.

The Retchers catch the Raft Van and raft back down the jump, which they seem to find anticlimactic. Kelly hails a cab and asks the driver, "Can you take us to the boose (rhymes with "moose" and is the only word oddly pronounced in the entire sentence) station?" Um...if you've got a cab, why bother with the bus? Why not just have the cab take you where you want to go? Oh, I see, she wants to save money. She gives her Frugality Approval now. Getting into the cab, she says to the ski jump, "My butt's a little sore. Arrivederci!" and Jon thinks, Damn, she never says that to me.

Team Delusional departs. Cindy tells us that she loves Russell. Russell is perfect in every way. Screw Elvis, Russell is the King. When Russell touches her, she sees God. Russell tells us, "We haven't been in a romantic involvement in this race, because I wasn't travelling 40,000 miles for sex." But it's nice to know he'll travel 40,000 miles just to continue to lead this poor sap of a girl on and NOT have sex. Any similarity between him and a human is purely coincidental.

The Retchers' taxi arrives at the boose station.

The members of Team Delusional, who have decided to hike the 1.5 miles, discover upon consulting a map that despite walking for 10 minutes, they have not actually gone anywhere. Metaphor, anyone?

Team Shakes sleds. They wear sneakers because the floppy shoes aren't as aerodynamic.

Team Token arrives at the train station, showing their strength, and warn the waiting teams that the folks following them are really aggressive, so beware. The camera then switches to....

...Team Santorum (cue evil theme). Reichen confesses to us that although he wanted to run an honorable Race in the beginning, the first day everyone was cutting lines and not respecting the Honor of the Line, so screw that honorable crap. I get the sense that he'd steal the straw from his mother's kennel.

Team Delusional is lost. Russell decides to cut through the woods to save time, which is always a good idea.

Team Santorum (cue evil theme) sleds, and there is much rejoicing.

The Geezers arrive at the train station. Isn't this exciting?

The Dorks depart. One of them says something cliché about while they could have been eliminated, no one should count them out yet, because they're a strong team. At least, I think that's what he said. His lips were moving, but all I could hear was this clicky-clicky sound.

Team Delusional, after cutting through the woods, winds up back at the original Pit Stop hotel. Russell calls Cindy a dumbass. Oh, HE'S got the mirror, okay. They get a cab.

Team Shakes pulls into the train station. The suspense utterly fails to build.

The Dorks sled, and there is much rejoicing.

Team Santorum (cue evil theme) shows up at the train station. Josh refers to them as "pretty boys" and says the other teams want to eliminate Team Santorum, too, because they're a threat. "They're fierce competitors, and they're really, really starting to scare me (*tick*)," he whines. Just starting? Talk about a slow learning curve.

Reichen tells us, "Weezer and Geezer {isn't that cute, it thinks it's clever} tried to get us out of the Race on the very first day. They tried to screw us by buying tickets for the guys behind us in line, and they made enemies way too soon." What horrible tactics to use in a cutthroat race for a million dollars.

They see the abandoned backpacks marking places in a Line set up at the door of the bus station. They ignore the Line. "It doesn't say anything about first come, first served. And we're bigger," they reason. Yes...they're bigger assholes.

Team STD departs. Tian confides to us that she thinks that Jaree is a liability for their team in that she doesn't do well on foot, although Tian has never tried dangling a cigarette just out of her reach. "We need to lighten the load or we won't get very far (*tick*)," she muses. I was not aware that Correctol was a sponsor.

Team Delusional sleds. Cindy wonders if Russell thinks the raft makes her look fat.

The Dorks show up at the train station. Are we done yet?

Team Token takes Team Santorum (cue evil theme) aside and informs them that the other teams want to bump them off (along with The Dorks, who they also for some reason see as a threat). They call the girls "The Moles" and I am crushed when Anderson Cooper doesn't make a cameo appearance. Team Santorum (cue evil theme) stands in front of the doors, their arms hooked through the handles. Prison Steve is upset, because the couple have pushed his backpack aside and were not showing Respect to the Line, which they counter with a Triple Dog Dare to make them move.

The Delusionals finally arrive at the train station.

Team STD sleds. The sled is immediately confiscated by WHO agents in anti-contamination suits.

A bus pulls up at the train station. Al, who speaks Italian (a guy named Al speaks Italian? Call 60 Minutes), finds out that the bus is going to the OTHER train station (Alpo), where there is an earlier train leaving. Even Team Santorum (cue evil theme) abandon their beloved door handles to hop on.

Team STD decides to hike. Which makes sense, since Tian was JUST complaining that foot travel is their greatest liability.

Cindy complains that Russell, when figuring out their next move, turns to other teams to help and ignores her. She starts wondering, "Is this the partner for me?" She immediately consults both Cosmo and Self for their opinions.

The bus from Calzone arrives at Alpo and there is note taken of the absence of both Team STD and Team Retch, but not so much to make the train wait.

Team STD arrives at the boose station, where Team Retch is waiting already. Tian tries to get information while Jaree interrupts her to let Tian know that she already has the information. Tian tells her to "back off" and let her find out the information for herself that Jaree already has. Yes, that's right: there's no "I" in "Team." There is, however, a "me" in "Team."

Back at Calzone, the boose arrives and the two remaining teams are baffled that they see no other teams. Jaree yells, "Where the hell are all the people?" Well, you clasp your hands like so, see, and then you make a steeple with your index fingers....Tian thinks that the other teams have disappeared off the face of the earth. If what she doesn't know can't hurt her, she must be invulnerable.

Coming back from commercial, we are shown a lovely computer-imaged map. On the map are two dots, labelled, "Alpi" and "Calalzo," with slowly lengthening yellow lines arching from them, hungrily groping their way towards the eagerly-throbbing dot that is Venice. Even the map dots are getting more attention than Cindy, who is throbbing more expertly. The Alpo train is about an hour ahead of the other one, which we know will ultimately make no difference whatsoever.

Team STD finds out from the conductor that there is a train that arrives in Venice earlier.
Tian: "We can't catch up to them."
Jaree: (pause) "We don't know that."
True. Your train could be equipped with a warp drive that you don't know about.

Team Retch considers their options.
Kelly: "Jon, we need to think of a plan."
Jon: "I think I'll take a nap."
Careful, Jon. You're not married yet. Don't tip your hand like that.

Back on Train Alpo, Cindy is trying to get Russell to Understand Something. "It's not to your advantage for me not to know what your plans are," she admonishes. "You're being really ultra-controlling here (I don't know what the problem is. Everyone loves to be micromanaged), and you're not informing me, because you don't need to do all the work. There's actually two of us here. It's amazing I even got through the world without you."

"It is, actually," he replies. He isn't joking. Someone shot him through the schmuck forest and he didn't miss a tree. All the other teams are listening and pretending that if they close their eyes, Team Delusional might go away.

And suddenly the camera swings in overhead and we see...Venice. We glimpse canals, boats, lovely architecture, and a tower with a bell, bell, bell, bell. By the way, Venice borders on the Adriatic, like Albania.

The Clue Bridge is apparently two feet from the train station and everyone grabs an envelope. Detour time! A Detour, as Strider is always eager to explain, is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. They can choose Waterway or Pathway. In Waterway, they must take a gondola around Venice, using only a map and directing the gondolier, to reach a plaza. In Pathway, they travel to the same plaza, but on foot; however, they are allowed to ask for directions, which they are not if they choose the gondola.

Strangely, nearly everyone opts for the gondola, even though one can walk faster than the gondolas can be propelled and one has a map and the added advantage of being able to be guided by a native. Team Ashcroft is the only team that chooses Pathway. The gondolas slowly meander along the canals, and we are now forced to watch The Breathtakingly Languid Race.

Amanda asks her gondolier if he sings. He obligingly breaks into a few bars of "O sole mio," which I'm sure he doesn't do 15 times a day for annoying tourists who all think that they are the first person to ever ask such a clever question. He does not hit her on the head with his oar. However, Chris, ever-sensitive, pulls the map away from Amanda, saying, "Gimme the map, you suck at this." Amanda looks around and admires the buildings. She is terribly pleased with the whole experience of being in Venice and riding in a gondola and is appreciating the culture of the city.

Ruh-roh. Recognizing the beauty of an area or waxing philosophic about your journey is generally a sign of Certain Imminent Death.

Team Ashcroft is madly dashing around the city. They offer a man with a produce stand a small fee to take them to the plaza. He points to his wares and looks at them like they're idiots, which, of course, they are. They tear off running again. "Run, Chuck, run!" Millie shrieks. "Did you see Chuck run?" asks one bystander. "Yes, I saw Chuck run," another replies.

Team Dork think they know where they're going, and because all the teams are so dense that light bends around them, they play follow the leader. Team Dork leads them to a blind alley and everyone else has to back up, which means Team Dork is now last, and Team Tink is in the lead.

Team Ashcroft finds someone to take them to the plaza. They are the first team to arrive at the route marker. See, people? Always listen to me. Millie says to the rapidly departing Samaritan, "Thank you! We owe you!" It makes one wonder how exactly she expects to pay this person back. Probably leaving the city would suffice.

The next Route Marker is at Palazzo Da Mosto ("The Palace with the Mostest"), where they will attend a party, which will start at 5 p.m., just to ensure that all the teams have a chance to catch up and all this Line-grubbing and Detouring makes not a whit of difference.

Team Geezer, the air traffic controllers, cannot read a map and tell the gondolier which way to go. I am never, ever flying through Chicago again.

They encounter a power boat, and, in the spirit of international brotherhood, they scream, "Get that power boat outa the way!"

Everyone eventually finds the plaza. The Geezers are last, but maybe they're not used to boats. They probably learned to navigate in chariots.

Meanwhile, aboard the Calzone train (you forgot there are still losers on the train, didn't you?), Tian is yelling at Jaree because Jaree isn't giving Tian any ideas or plans. Tian brings up Jaree's lack of running ability again, as well. Jaree lashes out with, "Quit trying to demean me, okay?" It's true, she needs no interference; she does that perfectly well on her own.

The camera gets a reaction shot from Kelly, who points backward over her shoulder at Team STD and stage-whispers, "They're fighting." (*tick*)

The train arrives. Team STD takes the gondola; Team Retch chooses walking. Tian remarks, "I hope we get to see Venice." (*tick*) Then she tells Jaree that she had always wanted to take a gondola ride, but she always thought she'd be in the arms of her lover. That said, she puts her arm around Jaree and kisses her on the cheek. The gondolier immediately ejects them onto a random landing that happens to be near the marker. His boat is removed from the water and cermonially burned, and the canals will soon become mysteriously heavily chlorinated.

Team Retch is completely lost. Well, not completely, because they're not being chased by wild bears in the woods (although we can hope), but they're standing at a dead end that looks remarkably like the dead end they found 20 minutes ago. Jon, apparently, cannot read a compass. Kelly whines, "At least work with me instead of just saying 'Listen, I got it, I got it, badda bing, badda boom,' because you don't got it. Hello, it's not just you around here." And it's not like she tells him that every night, either.

The other teams find the Musty Plotz and realize that every team is going to catch up. Kelly is peeved because "the blondes" made it there first, but maybe they could have managed a faster trek if she hadn't been so interested in Boudoir Equality and he hadn't been so interested in his own compass.

Team Ashcroft is lost. We wonder if it's for the same reason.

The Geezers look for the Fast Forward, because they feel that they can't keep up with the young studs. Okay, they can handle the extra work of the Fast Forward, but can't walk to a freakin' house party? Idiots.

In this Fast Forward, they have to pick one team member to wall up in a cellar with a cask...no, I'm sorry, they have to find another plaza and participate in a form of Italian street theater known as "Unemployability on Parade." Oh, no, it's "Commedia Dell'Arte," my bad. At the end of the skit, they can claim the Fast Forward. I am looking slightly less forward to this than the plaid skirt thing.

They find the group. They are dressed up and the players pretend to operate on Steve in a happy little comedic ritual disemboweling. They claim the Fast Forward and can now go directly to the next Pit Stop, the Boat Annabel Lee...no, I'm sorry, it's the Boat Citta Di Padua ("The Cells of Padding"), docked in Venice's main lagoon.

Back at the Mostly Putzes, Team Santorum (cue evil theme) has claimed places at the front of the Line again, after licking the door handles so no one else would touch them. They are wrapped in blankets of silvery material that look like they were taken off the set of the original Star Trek, or maybe they were a free gift with their 13th alien anal probe. Team Springer left to go sightsee and they are upset to discover that others have spent their time forming a Line and they missed it.

The Geezers, unsuprisingly, arrive on the boat first, and are greeted by Phil and a really scary Venetian guy who looks like the long-lost Evil Musketeer. Maybe it's just the goatee.

Five of the clock. The appointed time. A Roadblock! (Which is, of course, a task that only one person may perform...thank you, Strider).

The tuxedo-clad doorman (or Usher of the House, if you will) is holding pictures of four different masks. The team member must take one of the pictures and search the rooms at the Masque for a reveler with a mask that matches their picture. If they are correct, the reveler will give them the next clue. If they are incorrect, the reveler will give them the Red Death...oops, no, they'll just take the picture and the team member will have to go back outside to the end of the line. Only four people are allowed inside at a time. There are lots of revelers. The masks are ornate and gorgeous, except the elephantish ones that remind me of A Clockwork Orange.

The teams go about choosing who will do the task. Jaree tells us, "This is going to be so easy for Tian. I mean, she's seen Eyes Wide Shut like, 20 times." Russell, Monica, Chip, and Josh are allowed in first.

Josh realizes he should have let his dad do it, but Dad wouldn't have had any better luck, because the revelers are not wearing Convict Orange with identifying numbers. Josh hands his picture to a reveler, and is rejected. Jeff enters in his place. Chip is the first to get his clue.

Phil interrupts this nearly dramatic and almost tense Roadblock Moment to remind us about the Pit Stop, as if we didn't hear him say the exact same thing not 5 minutes ago.

Tian enters. Russell and Tian both get clues. This might be a first for both of them, but I doubt it'll help much outside the house. Jon and Chris take their place, and Jon quickly finds his clue. Millie enters and Chris gets rejected. Al enters, and then Josh enters again, and successfully identifies his mask. Chris re-enters. Monica, who entered second, is showing us her inner strength by searching and whining.

Team Santorum (cue evil theme) is Team Number 2. Team Retch is Team Number 3. Kelly tells us in a confessional, "{The Race} helps us communicate better." This is better? Good luck with that whole marriage thing.

Chris is rejected again. I'm starting to believe he's the first person in his family born without a tail. "I sucked at that Roadblock," he says (*tick*).

Team STD is Team Number 4. The Doormat Of Fate is quickly steam-cleaned and deloused, and then the Dorks show up as Team Number 5.

Al and Millie have clues and rush off with their partners before they miss the boat (sorry. Drugs).

Team Shakes is Team Number 6. Team Delusional is Team Number 7, thanks to Russell and his unerring sense of misdirection.

Monica and Chris are the only ones still wandering around the house and I'm wondering if perhaps they're just looking for leftover paint chips to snack on.

Team Ashcroft is Team Number 8, and are rather shaken (not stirred) at their performance on this leg. Team Springer is Team Number 9. Number 9. Number 9.

Monica, at long last, gets a clue; Chris, inspired by her strength, finally finds the right reveler. There is a foot race for the boat, but, in a display of strength, Team Token gets there first.

Team Tink is last and is eliminated. Amanda is sad. Chris is annoyed.

Phil (to Amanda): "Did you learn anything new about him?"
Amanda: "Well, he still is a little jerk (*tick*), but I love him, it's okay."
Chris: "Hopefully, we'll be together for the rest of our lives."

Yeah, can't pass up a love like that. It's like a storybook. Of course, the storybook is "The Murders in the Rue Morgue," but still.

Next week: Millie's Last Gasp; Chip proves his humanity by bleeding; and nude bungee jumping. Okay, I made up the "nude" part, but wouldn't that be much more interesting?

Sorry this took me so long, and sorry it's not funnier. I blame the drugs.