LAST EDITED ON 10-09-01 AT 11:55 PM (EST)The Mole 2: The Next Betrayal
Episode 2: “No Burning Desire” Once again, I'm back with the MoleLesters during the second season. But this time something has changed. What’s that word? Oh, yeah – CONTINUITY. Apparently, the producers of The Mole have hired someone who knows the meaning of the word. No sudden moves halfway around the world for no reason whatsoever this time (well, at least not yet). The show actually makes sense so far. Amazing. When we join our favorite panic-stricken losers, they are busy bemoaning the fate of their beloved luggage, which was torched at the end of the last episode. Katie reveals that her cow is named Stud Muffin … oh wait, that’s her fantasy … uh, Steely Dan (for those of you who don’t know the origin of that name, follow this link and look it up in the dictionary) … no, uh, Metal Muffin, yeah, right. Heather is even more upset about losing her Bible. Geez, can’t she get one at any motel in the world? Oh, wait, she’s not that kind of girl. But why not? She’s a Texan, isn’t she? After that stimulating tribute to the recently departed (no, not Bob), SuperCooper tells the Moleys that they stink. Well, so does The Mole 2. Coopy, you ain’t no bed of roses yourself. Coopy says that the show is going to “give” the MoleLesters new clothes. Yeah, right, like I’d trust those clowns after they roasted my bags. But these MoleBots play along with it. Are they staying at one of those Swiss spas with lithium in the water? To get these wonderful free clothes, the team needs to pick three leaders: two women with fashion sense and a man without it. Since none of these Mo(le)rons have ANY sense, the players ask if they have to forfeit. But SupeCoop lets them pick the best they’ve got, and so they end up with Dorothy and Elavia. The man in need of help is ol’ Admiral Billy. But this isn’t the lead-in to a threesome and a Nelson Rockefeller moment. Anyone else remember Megan Marshack? Hey, I found this reference to her in ET Online: “Like JFK, former Vice President and New York Governor NELSON ROCKEFELLER's fortune began with his grandfather, JOHN ROCKEFELLER -- at one time America's richest man. One interesting mention in Nelson's will is a woman named MEGAN MARSHACK, the assistant who was with him the night he died. 'She is indirectly a beneficiary under his will by virtue of the fact that he forgave the debt she owed him,' says Nass.” Now, speaking for myself, I think Megan had to pay plenty for whatever she borrowed from old Tubby. In fact, I think she was in the process of paying the hard way when Nelson went to meet his Maker. But enough about getting stiff ... All this trio gets to do is match clothes. SupeCoop tells them that this is a challenge called Lotto Clothes. The leaders have to select “appropriate” outfits for each of the MoleLesters and send them to the "hard-to-find" train station in the village (yeah, like it's hard to follow the train tracks) to catch the 4:35 to St. Moritz. Each player who keeps his or her costume on for the whole trip wins $2,000 for the jackpot, which currently stands at $60K; if any of the players miss the train, all winnings are forfeited. (Don’t worry; ABC has no intention of letting these people actually make any money. The whole point of The Mole 2 is to show that people will humiliate themselves for the mere illusion of money.) The problem is, the clothes are basically only women’s clothes – but the mini-Moles persevere with their chore. Thus, we get to see the nausea-inducing scene of Patrick wearing a Speedo (guaranteed to reduce ABC's ratings to UPN levels), Bribs wearing a pink teddy, Darwin wearing a bunny suit, Rob dressed in a bovine look, and Al wearing lingerie. Al takes his time before deciding to get dressed, apparently embarrassed by the prospect that all of America will find out that wearing lingerie turns him on. Meanwhile, the women wear silly but not gender-inappropriate outfits, although Heather kicks up such a fuss about wearing an apron (over her regular clothes, no less!) that you begin to realize that the reason she complained so much about her burned Bible is because she’s a spoiled brat, not because of the Bible itself. Now, if she’d had to dress like Megan Marshack when she was alone with Nelson “Rockefeeler”, the ratings for this show might have hit the ceiling. But no such luck. Meanwhile, SupeCoop has one last surprise for the leaders. If they all agree to dress up as well, then the winnings (if any) will be doubled. However, when Admiral Billy sees the costume that Supe brings out (a baby suit, with diaper, pacifier, bib and bonnet), he flat-out refuses to participate. Billy claims that he owes the Navy too much to embarrass it that way. What, is he in debt to the Navy? Like Megan Marshack was in debt? Just what kind of antics is he engaging in to pay back his debt? The mind boggles at the thought. Anyway, no doubling of the pot – but the other team leaders are far too dim to wonder if this is a clue that Billy just might be the Mole. Maybe they’re too bored to care. Must be those lithium fountains again. Less than two hours later, all the team members have arrived at the train station except for “Bribs” (not the Mole) and Ali. Less than half an hour before the train leaves, and still no Bribs and Ali, so Admiral Billy and Lisa-X go looking for the missing players. Surprise! They find Bribs and Ali headed to the train station; apparently Bribs was looking for an appropriate bar to show off his pink teddy but couldn’t find any rainbow flags, so he just went into one at random and had a few local brews with Ali. The next thing we know, all FOUR of them are back in a bar quaffing another brew. Could you safely conclude that ONLY the Mole would have thought this was a good idea, so either Lisa-X or Admiral Billy must be the Mole? I knew that you could. Anyway, with less than 15 minutes before departure, the four winos stagger back to the train station. Bribs and Ali tell the waiting MoleLesters that they’ve been offered an exemption in exchange for not getting on the train, and they’ve taken it. Darwin throws a bunny fit and hops around angrily. Since it’s hard to look too menacing in a bunny suit with glasses and a foppish mustache, Darwin rips off his bunny ears. Now he just looks like himself: a big goof. Then Bribs and Ali yell out, “Psych!” They could have been describing each other if they hadn’t left off the “o.” Really. So, now that Bribs and Ali have made themselves as popular among their fellow MoleBots with their little joke as Osama bin Laden would be at Yankee Stadium, the train chugs toward St. Moritz. We are treated to several angry reaction shots from Bribs' and Ali's ex-friends while the “beautiful” Swiss scenery passes by. Great for a travelogue, but just a teensy bit dull. C’mon guys, if this is the best footage you’ve got, it’s going to be a loooong season. The Mo(le)rons arrive at the hotel in St. Moleritz, and SupeCoop wastes no time in congratulating them for winning … but only $18,000, since Darwin took off his bunny ears when he was mad in the train station. Then Bill is forced to tell the others that he turned down the chance to double the money by refusing to wear the diaper. The guys are angry (except for Bribs, who’s too dull, and Patrick, who’s still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes); the women couldn’t care less (yep, the lithium is still working). And then … and then … NOOOOOO! The “burned bags” were torched, but the contents weren’t really burned after all! All the crap is in St. Moritz, including Metal Machine Muffin and God’s chosen Bible. Everyone celebrates, except for the viewers at home. SupeCoop now models ANOTHER outfit – a tux. Female viewers who are still watching think he cleans up nicely and wonder why THIS wasn’t near the start of the show instead of Patrick’s Speedo. He whips out a wad of money and tells the Molerons that this is $20K of their money, and they get to bet it against the house in blackjack, in a game called High Roller. If they can double it, then they get to keep all $40K, but if they lose it, the $18K they earned for making fools of themselves will be gone, as well as $2K from the existing jackpot. Well, nice to see that ABC wants to make sure they don’t win anything. SupeC tells the MoleAroids to pick four players, each of whom will be given $5K to play with, from the following categories: a gambler, a selfish brat, a “cool head”, and a numbers whiz. Darwin volunteers to be the gambler, which shows that the bunny suit didn’t crush his ego one bit. Katie volunteers to be the spoiled brat, leaving the REAL spoiled brat (Heather) with nothing to do but pout and bitch for the rest of the game – a role which proves to be right up her alley. The others draft Lisa-X to be the “cool head” and Rob to be the numbers whiz. And so we head off to the visual excitement of blackjack. I can’t think how many times I’ve sat in front of my TV set longing to watch OTHER people playing blackjack. Yeah. Lots and lots of times. Bottled excitement. At least they let the players dress as high rollers, with the men wearing tuxes and the ladies wearing gowns. Of course, Katie in a gown is nothing to write home about. Meanwhile, Supe gets hungry and wolfs down another sandwich. His chewing is about as exciting as the game. While munching, he say, “Hey, bunny” to Darwin the Rabbit, who promptly looks at his watch and hops away, murmuring “I’m late, I’m late, to a very important date” … no, no, that’s what a Darwin with a sense of humor might have done, but this guy is as dull as dishwater. About the challenge … well, the players get the pot up to $34,500, so they only need $5,500 more … but then Katie reveals that she doesn’t understand blackjack by splitting a pair of threes and losing both hands. We are mercifully spared the rest of the carnage as Katie, Lisa-X and Darwin Rabbit the big-time gambler lose all their stakes, leaving just Rob with $4K. He promptly bets it all on one hand and loses it. Who did he think he was, Maverick? Maybe the lithium still hadn’t worn off. Anyway, ABC gets to save itself $20K. Bet the producers who thought of this game were patting themselves on the back. At dinner, we get some interspliced footage that the attorneys, Darwin Rabbit and Lisa-X, have an alliance. Unfortunately, it only applies to fee-splitting. Next, we see the MoleLesters get cake for dessert, sliced 13 ways. One of the slices doesn’t have a blueberry on top. Myra passes up her slice, and so there is one slice left over: the one missing the blueberry. The last piece is offered around the table, and thin little Dorothy grabs it and scarfs it down, dribbling crumbs all over in her haste to polish it off. Then everyone goes to their rooms with orders from SupeCoop to stay put for the evening; violations of curfew will be fined $1,000 each. Ah, but the missing blueberry should have been a clue, because now Dorothy and her roommate Lisa-X are offered REAL exemptions if they can lure two of the other players to come to their room in what the producers creatively call the “Blueberry Game”. Think they had to hire marketing consultants to come up with these names? Both Lisa-X and Dorothy accept at once. Lisa-X calls her “ally” Darwin Rabbit, who makes a mad dash to meet her – such a mad dash that he doesn’t even know where he is going and ends up at the front desk. Guess he figured that they were going to go out in the bushes to do what rabbits do best. Dorothy calls Katie and asks her to bring her personal pack along. Katie apparently figures that Dorothy would like to try out Metal Mojo and heads straight over. When the two truants show up, Supe informs them that they have been torched by their friends – the MoleAroids will be fined $2K for the curfew violations, and Lisa-X and Dorothy have won immunity. Total prize winnings for the Moley McGuires now: $60K from E1 plus $18K from “Dressing Like Fairies” minus $20K from “Crapjack” and minus another $2K from “Sucker!”, leaving a new, reduced grand total of $56K. At this rate, the Moleys will have to pay Coops for the privilege of national humiliation. What fun! Darwin Rabbit and Metal Moo Katie tell Patrick, Elavia and Ali about what happened when they return to their rooms. Elavia says that she doesn’t believe a word of Metal Moo Katie’s story. Of course, Elavia also doesn’t believe that men landed on the moon, that the world is round, and that “King Kong” was just a movie, so she doesn’t make a very good barometer. For some reason, the others begin to suspect Dorothy of being the Mole. What about her roommate, huh? In the morning, Coopy asks the “participants” in last night’s drama to tell the others about it. Darwin Rabbit refuses. Rob says that Darwin Rabbit has only himself to blame – he should have learned his lesson from the story of Peter Rabbit going into Mr. McGregor’s garden. At this, Darwin wiggles his whiskers in irritation and then shoots off his mouth. Oops, just a figure of speech. Darwin's mouth isn’t actually shot off. Unfortunately for the viewers. Finally comes the Moley quiz for Episode 2. Myra, Heather, Katie, Al and Patrick are cleared. Ali isn’t. Bye bye to the nurse. Guess Bribs will have to find someone else to play "Doctor" with next week. And so a VERY low-budget episode of The Mole 2 scrapes mercifully to an end, as does this even lower-budget summary. But it’s still done before the last THREE Love Cruise summaries. Could shakes the clown be the Mole?
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