LAST EDITED ON 07-11-11 AT 10:26 AM (EST)

Like watching someone try out a roller coaster by taking the car over a life-size version of the blueprints. You know the paper isn't going to hold, you realize it's just a matter of time before you get a fatality count, and you don't understand why anyone would be stupid enough to try it anyway.

To watch Jake here is to wait for his on-screen demise: cause of death: eaten alive. Ran three businesses? Were two of them lemonade stands with the third Get Jake To Appear On Your Show Limited? His only contribution is to step into confessional and deliver lines in such a way that you can just about see the script hovering offscreen. In mainstream time, he does the same thing he did on his original series: he shows up and looks for an excuse to get his shirt off. And if the occasion requires that he stay clothed, he sits and waits patiently until the rules change. It's all he's got to work with and he's not changing his style now. If he had been recruited into Donald's script, the rest of the pool would be picking his last scraps out of their teeth. As-is, the others are still going to kill him: it'll just take a little longer.

Speaking of the dead... Vincent has learned nothing from his Apprentice demise. I'm now waiting for him to quit on this too. Or, optionally, for Danielle to kill him. (She'll murder him first. She'll get them all eventually, but he? Goes first. Priorities.)

I see Heidi's work standards haven't changed. The fair argument would be that they've been debating since 9:30 a.m. and it probably was about time for a coffee break, but wine generally shouldn't be included in that. Oh, and please stop mentioning your precious husband every three minutes. Some of us are trying not to change the channel.

Ashley is just -- there. Out of her depth, arguably cast as Victim #2. 'I have some kind of fame, so I'm going to parlay it as best I can!' She's trying, really she is -- but it's not as if the hosts are going to let her win.

Danielle is coming across as the classic control freak: it doesn't matter if the ship sails or sinks as long as she's listed under 'Captain'. And if someone else builds a seaworthy vessel without her at the helm? Torpedoes.

The rappers (who seem to work and think as a single unit) -- I feel they're committed to this. They really want to give this a serious shot. And they have absolutely no idea what they're doing. (BTW, you can have poles all over the place, but you're really working with more of a buffet.)

What would Italian-Soul fusion read as? Who are you selling it to? How quickly would NBC shut that chain down?

And how did the original occupant of the space stay open with that many code violations of all kinds in place to begin with? (Get a bigger envelope!)