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"**Official Bachelor Summary - Episode 3**"
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Femme 3621 desperate attention whore postings
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04-17-03, 07:15 PM (EST)
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"**Official Bachelor Summary - Episode 3**"
LAST EDITED ON 04-17-03 AT 11:14 PM (EST)

(subliminal) Read this summary! You know you want to!(/subliminal)

An Indubitable Portrayal of The Bachelor
as documented in exclusive, private correspondence from insiders


Dear Mom and Dad,

I’m so excited and I have so very much to tell you about the past week. The other girls gave me a nickname: Tina Fabulous. Isn’t that fabulous? I so love it! But Tina-Chopped-Liver always rolls her eyes every time someone calls me that; I don’t get it.

So, everything really got interesting when Kevin and Shannon showed up. Kevin is an old friend of Andrew’s and apparently Shannon is Kevin’s girlfriend. However, she used to date Andrew, I think. It wasn’t tremendously clear, but in any case, we call her Shannon-Sloppy-Seconds. Isn’t that fabulous?

So, they sat us all down one by one to ask us some pressing questions. These other girls are so… what’s the word… unfabulous, though. I decided I would have to show them how it was done. I came out to my interview with that pretty scarf I bought when I went to the Antarctic and they really seemed to think it was fabulous. And you know what? It is pretty fabulous of me to wear a scarf on a warm day in Southern California. I’m just so fabulous.

I think Shannon-Sloppy-Seconds and Kevin-Critical were unimpressed with a lot of the girls. Amber-Excess really annoyed me, however. She got to answer LisaPooh’s Yearbook Thread and picked Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt for “Best Couple.” Ugh. Not fabulous. But, Kevin and Shannon picked her for the first date, anyway. They said they liked her “look” for Andrew, but really, she’s not all that fabulous. She drinks a lot and later on she stuffed her face so full of food, I wanted to puke... That is, I would have if it weren’t so terribly unfabulous to do so. (That’s why we call her Amber Excess, by the way.)

Anyway, having a fabulous time. Love you,
Tina Fabulous

* * * * *

Dear Gang,

I hate this show! I hate these people! I wish I were blasted right now. Now that I’ve been eliminated, they’ve cut off the champagne and margaritas. Asses. Screw them. They don’t know I stuck a bunch of bottles of wine in my suitcase.

So, that wiener Andrew took me on a date all by myself. We had to go ice-skating, which pissed me off since I was still soooooo drunk from the night before. But, I tried to make the best of it anyway. I kept trying to get Andrew talking but he just sat there like a lump and then he blamed me for it later. At one point he started talking about our kids and I was so grossed out. I mean, if I have kids I’ll get fat and plus you’re not supposed to drink and stuff, so forget that. But, whatever, ya know. Gawd, I need a beer.

Anyway, ice-skating was a bust, the guy hates Olive Garden and he doesn’t talk. But, I’m still feeling that “vibe” ‘cause I’m kinda dumb and trusting that way, you know. So, we go home and I’m so happy I went the whole night without throwing up. Sounds like a dream date, ifyouknowwhatimean.

Psha. Well, that first class a-hole didn’t give me a rose. What an effing jerk. Gawd, I hope you guys are ready for me. I am SO needing to get my drink on. The best part about leaving is at least I don’t have to be all prim and proper and be all like “No, thank you. I’ve had enough.” Ugh, that was so annoying holding myself in check. See ya soon.

Later,
Amber

* * * * *


Dear Rick,

Hey! Tell those boys at the lumberyard I’m coming back to work! Yeah, that’s right… pretty boy is sending me home.

So, let me tell you about these ditzy girls. The bachelor ends up taking Anne-Michelle, Cristina and Liz to a Moroccan restaurant. The guys'll love this: he get them all to belly dance and somehow even convinced Liz the vegetarian to eat meat. It was great! Not only did they act like a bunch of weak submissives, they were stupid enough to come back and tell us all about it. Fools, huh?

Oh, and get this. This guy is such a tool he kissed all three of the girls that night. Cristina got all mad and confronted him and he started going off on her. He was all “How can I tell who I want to marry if you guys don’t put out?” And she was all “Oh. Duh. Silly me. Sorry.” Can you believe it? The guys at the yard would think they were at Disneyland with all these easy morons around.

Anyway, rev up the forklift; I’m coming back to reality.

Tina-Chopped-Liver

* * * * *

Dear Mom and Dad,

Hi! I’m so happy! I love Andrew! Like, so much. He’s totally my style. I even ate his meat! I’d do anything for him! I wonder if he has a bunny rabbit back home?!

Amber makes me sad though. I’m so sad. She and I were like best friends and she betrayed me by not kissing and telling. I very nicely kept on asking her what had happened on their date and she wouldn't tell me anything. We even ended up fighting a little bit. All I wanted was an apology, but she never said squat. I think I’m going to cry. I’m so sad right now.

Kirsten got a solo date with Andrew. I hate her! I’m so angry right now! ARGH! She’s such a little brat and she doesn’t want to make friends with any of us. God, I’m so mad! Why did Shannon and Kevin pick her? It’s not fair. She came back with jewels and stuff and I wanted to rip her head off. Makes me SOO angry. Die, Kirsten. DIE!

But, I better wrap this up. Andrew actually touched me when he fed me the meat so I’m so happy I could float away. It’s like, nothing could mess me up now, you know? Birds are singing and the sun is shining and I’m so happy.

Loving life (at least for this one brief moment in time),
Liz

* * * * *

Dear Sweetie,

Thanks for dropping me off at the airport. I miss you so much. I really think I’m going to win this thing! Andrew is blind. He thinks I’m so terrific and stuff, but he doesn’t realize all I can think about is you and me, together again.

I ended up with a solo date after working my magic on Bachelor Boy’s oblivious friends. (And, darling, let me tell you… they are dull, dull, dull. I would hate to have friends like the two of them.) Anyway, it was weird. He took me on a yacht and made me dress up in a ball-gown. And, of course, all this only happened after we played a little pool. It was like every bad prostitute-with-a-heart-of-gold movie ever made; I felt like Julia-fricken-Roberts when he busted out some jewelry on loan. How very uncreative.

It was so funny, dear, when Andrew saw me in the dress. He said, “You look smoking.” I was biting my lip so hard trying not to laugh. I mean, the term is “smokin’,” not “smoking.” If someone looks “smoking,” they need to be put out. What an idiot.

I can’t wait to see you again, darling. This show is a joke, but I’m all about winning. I promise to take this thing as far as I need to so I can claim the prize. They never talk about it, but most of these shows give a million bucks for first place, right? Well, whatever it is, I’m going to win.

All my love,
Kirsten

* * * * *

Dear Diary,

Gosh, Andrew is such a kitten. Meow! I want to rub him and pet him and cuddle him up in my arms. So ‘wow’, you know?

So, Stud-boy took me to the country for a little alone time. Only, for some reason, Audree, the Tinas and Jen came with us. So freaky, you know? It was like magic. Pookie-Face let us all ride his bull until we were thoroughly bucked. Then we got to watch him play football with Tina Fabulous ‘cause she rode his bull the longest.

Mr. Funny Pants and the rest of us climbed in the hot tub at the end of the date. It was so surreal: a little 5-person hot tub right there in the middle of this farm. Gosh, just so magical, you know?

Well, I better go, Diary. TTFN!

- Just Heath, no "er"

* * * * *

My Darling Wife,

I cannot wait to be off this job. The next time I take a job videotaping a show like this... well... let's just say I wish they would fire me already. There’s nothing more depressing than following these twits around while the pine for a guy who looks a lot like he’s had cheekbone implants.

Anyhow, I get so tired of his antics. It seems he has a penchant for putting these girls on the spot and making them talk trash about the “ladies.” (That’s another thing: he may say “ladies” while the cameras are rolling, but dear, I won’t even write what he calls them while no one’s recording.) He likes to get the girls to slam one another, but whoever falls into his trap ends up getting the axe, like Tina from Tennessee (they call her Tina-Chopped-Liver, but I’m not real clear on why) and Elizabeth from the last rose ceremony.

Seems his friends are a lot like him, too. Those two… ugh, let me tell you. They're just like Andrew. They kept getting the girls to talk bad about this one girl Kirsten, then telling us in confessional how “catty” these women are. Ridiculous. Never, never have I met such self-involved people. And the girl? Shannon? If I never hear the words “gold digger” come out of her mouth again, it’ll be too soon.

But, this chucklehead Andrew, he didn’t do that poorly at the ceremony. He ended up ditching Tina-Chopped-Liver (the she-male), Amber (the lush), Heath (the freak girl with the overly familiar nicknames), and Audree (the boring Mormon girl who’s just no match for that Real World Mormon girl, Julie whats-her-face).

I’m serious, honey. I know we need the money, but I can’t do this anymore. I cannot keep working on this show. We’re just going to have to make do; I can’t justify working for these people, even if it puts food in the mouths of our 12 hungry children. And, as much as I want Susie to have that operation, I won’t lower myself to videotape this trash another day. Hey, maybe I can find something more respectable, like a job selling porn on the internet or as a personal injury lawyer? Nothing can be worse than this.

I love you… even as much as Amber loves hitting the sauce,
Your adoring husband

Femme

"We are men of action; lies do not become us."

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  Table of Contents

  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
 RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - E... Asrai 04-18-03 1
 RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - E... smiley 04-18-03 2
 RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - E... PackMan 04-18-03 3
 RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - E... true 04-18-03 4
 RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - E... Schnookie Palookie 04-18-03 5
 RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - E... Lisapooh 04-18-03 6
 RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - E... anotherkim 04-18-03 7
 RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - E... dajaki 04-18-03 8
   RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - E... buckeyegirl 04-18-03 9
 Wonderful idea and execution AyaK 04-18-03 10
 RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - E... djandy 04-18-03 11
 RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - E... bobstew617 04-20-03 12
 RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - E... greeneyes 04-21-03 13
 RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - E... northernlights 04-21-03 14
 RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - E... triednottowatch 04-21-03 15
 RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - E... jewelz10 04-22-03 16
 RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - E... minitroll 04-23-03 17

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Asrai 6083 desperate attention whore postings
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04-18-03, 02:35 AM (EST)
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1. "RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - Episode 3**"
Oh my frikken gawd! You have now set the bar for summaries, sister! This was absolutely fabulous! I was LMAO through the whole thing!


"Baseball is religion without the mischief." -- Thomas Boswell

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smiley 2009 desperate attention whore postings
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04-18-03, 08:15 AM (EST)
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2. "RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - Episode 3**"
Femme!!!!!!! You Rock....OMH what a great way to start my day by cracking up

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PackMan 1207 desperate attention whore postings
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04-18-03, 08:34 AM (EST)
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3. "RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - Episode 3**"
Now that was funny! Great job, girl. I liked the Liz letter best, especially the bunny reference. I think you nailed it.


If you don't have time to do it right the first time, when are you going to find time to do it again? - Anonymous

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04-18-03, 10:23 AM (EST)
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4. "RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - Episode 3**"
What a clever summary! I loved it! Thanks Femme!

-true
I *heart* Femme

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Schnookie Palookie 16822 desperate attention whore postings
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04-18-03, 10:24 AM (EST)
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5. "RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - Episode 3**"
Femme, how brilliant to do your summary in "letters home" style. I was LOL at all of them but especially loved Tina-Chopped-Liver's letter hehehehe

Hey! Tell those boys at the lumberyard I’m coming back to work! Yeah, that’s right… pretty boy is sending me home.

Too funny!

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Lisapooh 12664 desperate attention whore postings
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04-18-03, 10:31 AM (EST)
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6. "RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - Episode 3**"
You. Are. Brilliant.

I loved this! Let me get this straight: you pack heat and you rwrite kick ass summaries. You are the shizznat girlie!!!

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anotherkim 14420 desperate attention whore postings
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04-18-03, 10:51 AM (EST)
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7. "RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - Episode 3**"
Hooorah, Femme! That was a scream and I don't even watch this show.

You make the girlzz proud, baby!!!!!

Miscellaneous Ramblings

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dajaki 1454 desperate attention whore postings
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04-18-03, 12:41 PM (EST)
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8. "RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - Episode 3**"
Dear Little Sis,

I know you make fun of me for watching these stupid reality shows and then spending so much time at the RTV message boards. But you really need to check out these boards and the people on them. One woman, Femme, is one hilarious summary writer. She just wrote a summary of the latest Bachelor episode (you know the show - the one where a rich playboy plays with the emotions and bodily parts of a bunch of skinny media whores who just want his money, his name and fleeting fame) in the most creative style. You can tell that she made a lot of effort, has a fabulous sense of humor, and all the others at the boards love her for it. Log on from time to time! You'll love it!

Love from your big sister,

DaJaKi

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buckeyegirl 5449 desperate attention whore postings
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04-18-03, 01:01 PM (EST)
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9. "RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - Episode 3**"
Funniest.Bachelor.Summary.Ever.

Still LMAO....

Thank Goodness mine was before yours....


A Kyngsladye Original

Amber to Andrew firestone: Do you like the Olive Garden? Andrew: (After a long pause) "No, I don't like the OG" Amber:"You don't like Italian food?"
___________________________________________________________
"Never doubt that a small, group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."
Margaret Mead



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AyaK 10335 desperate attention whore postings
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04-18-03, 03:46 PM (EST)
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10. "Wonderful idea and execution"
Femme, this was a very creative approach to summary-writing for this show, and I was ROFL all the way through it. Great job!
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djandy 1711 desperate attention whore postings
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04-18-03, 06:28 PM (EST)
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11. "RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - Episode 3**"
Femme, this was great! Loved the letters home. Your summary was much more entertaining than the episode!
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bobstew617 723 desperate attention whore postings
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04-20-03, 10:53 PM (EST)
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12. "RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - Episode 3**"
Femme,

I couldn't resist wanting to read your summary even though I've missed this Bachelor series--after I read your letters, I feel like I've watched the show! That letter from Tina Fabulous was a complete riot--I couldn't wait to read more!

You made my evening--my toast to you...

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greeneyes 698 desperate attention whore postings
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04-21-03, 10:01 AM (EST)
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13. "RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - Episode 3**"
Femme:

I'm still laughing my butt off!!!! That has to be the best summary I've ever read! Thanks for such a great job. What a creative idea to do the letters home-style. Simply FABULOUS

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04-21-03, 11:15 AM (EST)
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14. "RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - Episode 3**"
Fanflippin'tastic Femme! I'm still ROTFLMAO!


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04-21-03, 03:47 PM (EST)
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15. "RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - Episode 3**"
Crap almighty, Femme. That makes me want to withdraw my name from the list of summary writers. Nothing else is going to come close to yours. That was the funniest thing I've read on any of the boards.

FAB-ulous job. No, I mean it, really. I'm not jealous, no not at all............(muttering, "smartass" as he signs off).

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04-22-03, 10:46 AM (EST)
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16. "RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - Episode 3**"
Absolutely fabul..uh..I mean hilarious.
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minitroll 3898 desperate attention whore postings
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04-23-03, 07:19 PM (EST)
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17. "RE: **Official Bachelor Summary - Episode 3**"
That was great Femme! I loved the letters home. You nailed their personalities perfectly. I was LMAO all the way through.

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