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"Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep. #1 ..."
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Estee 57126 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"

03-01-06, 02:06 PM (EST)
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"Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep. #1 ..."
LAST EDITED ON 03-07-06 AT 10:36 PM (EST)

{F/X and editing shots: a quick series of images, showing successful people doing various things all around the country. Just the usual stuff. Playing games. Building houses. Modeling bikinis. They're all saying things, but their words are drowned out by the constant backbeat of their thoughts (brought to you by Burnett Confessovision (pat. pending)), providing the true translation. 'I can be the DAW. Be the DAW. I am the DAW. I am the only DAW. There will be no DAWii. I am the DAW...}

{A few seconds of this, played out on seven-eighths of the television because Deal or no deal, the slowest-moving show on the planet, will not get off the air, and we finally go to full screen and a car driving across a runway, heading for a jet. Both the car and the jet are clearly very expensive and highly engineered. In fact, they're so highly engineered that it takes fifty technicians per mile to keep their ultra-expensive parts fine-tuned enough to actually work. After several breaks for repairs and a three-day delay to open a new shaft in the only mine on Earth that can provide material for the sparkplugs, the car finally reaches the jet, and the driver gets out. He looks very familiar. And very annoyed. Mostly annoyed.}

Donald: 'Hello. My name is Donald Trump, and I am sick of suffering for you people. I just got back from dealing with Howie Mandel and his stupid bear-hugging contestants. It's a show that takes no skill, no brains, and no talent to get on, and I'm this close to saying the same thing about the host, except that I already used those exact words for Martha and I hate to repeat myself. Plus I know some of you have been saying that about my show, and I have no intention of repeating you. I went on that show to remind you I was here. And successful. And not Martha. And what did I get? Hugged by a sweaty SWAT officer while twice the number of you who watched my show about intelligence, charisma, and education completely failing to get anywhere went and talked about a series where none of those things even have a chance to fall apart! If it wasn't for my firing fetish and massive need to be in the public eye, I'd get rid of you all right now. The most loyal one of you might even be the summarizer, and I happen to know I was blown off last night so this unspeakable (censored) could go attend a show, possibly even at a casino that wasn't mine! Haven't I done my best for you people? Don't I bring you the morons you love so much? Remember Sam? Remember Voldemort? Those were good times, weren't they? Can't you have a little faith in my ability to bring you another crop of idiots, especially since I'll pretend to have hand-picked them again?'

{The camera moves slightly from side to side, as if shaking its head.}

Donald: 'Go back to hell, Burnett.' {DONALD climbs onto the jet, which takes off eight seconds and six million dollars later.} 'Well, I'm still going to try again, because I did five thousand guest appearances in other people's promos this week and it's not going to be for nothing. Because I'm looking for talent. Because I'm looking for skill. Because I'm looking to fire seventeen people, and this time, I may get rid of an entire minicorp at once. But most of all, because a certain person who seems to delight in killing reality shows can't take me out, and to use a certain word I know that person is familiar with, suffer. Roll my opening credits. And make sure it hurts.'

{The opening credits roll. It hurts muchly.}

{We get the usual Gathering Of The Idiots shots as the contestants make their way to and through Manhattan -- which they immediately have to leave again: DONALD's jet is touching down at Republic Airport (and kicking up an impressive amount of air pollution for something that gets two inches to the gallon): he's going to meet them on the jet itself. GEORGE and CAROLYN lead the candidates onto the runway. Sadly, the jet has already stopped moving, so our DAWs board DONALD's airborne bordello and spend a few minutes trying to figure out how to get comfortable on cushions with the price (and give, and composition) of platinum. They have to wait because DONALD's on the phone.}

Donald: 'Hi. I'm calling from the plane. I just landed. I have to meet the contestants and I'll be there in about an hour -- would someone turn down this dial tone? It's starting to hurt my ears.'

{Eventually, DONALD emerges. The contestants bow their heads in deep respect and -- genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!}

Donald: 'Very impressive. You know, looking at all of you like this, I could almost make up my mind right now -- actually -- hey -- there it is! Okay, I'll let you know what I've decided in about three months. Now, look around at this jet. Isn't it nice? Isn't it sweet? Wouldn't you say my collection's complete? Wouldn't you say I'm the boy -- the boy who has everything? Well, you could have everything too someday, except for the things that belong to me, which is nearly everything, so you're in trouble already. This isn't just a reality show and means of satisfying my insatiable need to crush people's dreams, which is making me think of Martha again for no apparent reason. I'm going to make business people out of you, since it's become so clear that practically none of you know anything when you first show up. Or when you leave. Or at all. What idiot pretended to hand-pick you again? Anyway, if I teach you enough, you'll make people, you'll break people, and you'll discover that the later is a lot more fun. But you won't break me, or I'll kill you. Now get off my jet: you're lowering the value of the imported air.'

{The contestants evacuate as TAREK, whom we'll meet shortly, gets the first confessional-tell by saying that the jet showed him what it's like to work for the Trump Dynasty and motivated him to be the last man standing. So now we know a woman's going to win this season. There, that was easy. (By the way, TAREK, do you know the interesting thing about dynasties? If they decide you're not good enough to marry into one, they cut your head off.) Everyone arranges themselves on the runway. DONALD surveys the troops.}

Donald (exact quote): 'It's very, very windy out here today, which at least proves that I have real hair.' {In fact, for the first time in -- well, ever -- DONALD's hair is moving in the breeze. Looks like they finally got the joints installed!} (paraphrase) 'In case you haven't been formally introduced, this is George, this is Carolyn, and you are screwed. But despite my heavy involvement in your selection, I have no idea how you're screwed. Why don't you tell me a little something about yourselves, just to give me a few leads?'

{DONALD has asked the contestants to talk about themselves. That's right. The contestants are doing their own introductions, which is the first time anyone's gotten to say 'Hello, my name is DAW' on a Mark Burnett series in about two years. So naturally, they get to do so in the space of about thirty seconds. Combined. There's barely enough time to flash faces and a quick name graphic at the bottom of the screen. But why should that stop me? I've got the original unedited footage! I've got hours and hours of endless boasting about accomplishments that won't mean a thing as soon as the first task starts! And I've got -- rough paraphrase! So let's listen to the contestants introduce themselves in (not even close to) their own words. We're also going to get a little ahead of the show here, because they gave away the team compositions in the opening credits and while they haven't been formally formed yet, we'll just sort them out that way for future reference. Leading off with Synergy, we have:}

Allie (30, Columbia, SC: market development account manager): 'Hi, I'm a go-getter, I'm smart, I'm determined, and I'm short! But since I'm not an attorney, I think I can avoid being Little Stacey and actually hang around long enough to be Project Manager, especially since I've also got the whole blonde thing going for me, and that's the ticket to Apprentice longevity! Can you tell I used to be a college cheerleader? Give me a 4.0, give me a summa cum laude, give me the number one ranking in my entire University of Florida Class! Plus I used to be a gymnast on the international level, and I just graduated with an M.B.A. from Harvard University, and I understand people and relationships, so I know that if I get any perkier, I'll want to kill me too! So I just want to conclude by saying that I'm not married, and to the best of my knowledge, I'm slightly less enthused when I talk in my sleep! At least none of the suicide notes from my former lovers mentioned that as a reason for their deaths!'

Andrea (31, San Diego, CA: sticker company owner. You heard me): 'I'm a self-made multi-millionaire, which kind of brings up the question of why I don't own a television and, by my own admission on the show's website, have never seen any episode of this series before. But I don't think that's going to be a handicap in any way, because I'm a self-made multi-millionaire. You see, I do better when I don't have crucial information. I don't have a business degree, but I'm the CEO of five businesses. I'm not a teen or a kid, but I market to them with apparel, custom stickers, and T-shirts, plus I run Rhythm Styx, which just made the summarizer groan a lot with recognition, and I plan one-of-a-kind weddings while never having been married! So I think I'm going to do really well here, just as long as no one ever tells me what I'm supposed to be doing. By the way, did I mention I love depressing, dense, and incomprehensible books? Am I your favorite yet? Wait, don't tell me -- no, really. Don't.'

Brent (30, Fort Lauderdale, FL (recently: formerly Canadian, and they may have thrown him out to get some peace and quiet): attorney): 'Hi I'm Brent and I'm really creative and I'm a permanent resident in the United States who's been married for two years because I just kept asking her until she said yes and did I mention I used to weigh an extra hundred and ten pounds over my current portly physique but the extra weight was lost through a new diet that I discovered and I invented and I followed where you just talk non-stop every waking moment and at least half the sleeping ones boy I hope I'm on Allie's team and all the calories you burn take the pounds off just like that and is that a stick are you going to throw the stick I can totally fetch the stick stick stick!'

Michael (29, Chicago, IL: management consultant): 'Hi, I'm Michael, and I'm a male member of a minority that possesses a high melanin concentration! That's right: there's at least one of me every season -- usually, that's the maximum -- and this year, I'm it! There's never going to be two of me because Mark Burnett would sooner die than pair me up, and I have no chance of winning because Mr. Trump hired a black man last season and let's face it: what are the odds of two in a row? Low. Really low. But I signed up before I knew Randal had become the Apprentice, or the non-Apprentii, or whatever he thinks he is besides God's gift to the Casino Control Commission, so I hope you won't hold my poor timing against me. I'm actually a very talented and intelligent individual who stands a very good chance of following Kwame's road and doing better from the second-place -- or lower -- position than I ever could by winning. As such, I am all about the camera time, and it's just my luck that I have the boyish good looks which are going to get me a lot of it. Oh, and I just wanted to mention that I graduated from the United Nations International School, and as such: Allie, eat your heart out.'

Pepi (25, Miami, FL: attorney, and we really need a drinking game based around contestant professions): 'I really don't know how I made it on this show. I tried out on a dare and I think Mr. Burnett decided I passed for white. Either that or there's a minimum quota of attorneys, which is the only reason I could ever think of for Southern-Fired Lawyer showing up a couple of seasons back. Oh, well -- I was the Florida College Student Of The Year, I love the Miami Heat, I dedicate my charity time to Habitat For Humanity, and I'm here playing the part of a guy who has a brain, gets good ideas, is never listened to, and eventually gets fired because my Project Manager blames me for not forcing my ideas on him. I might get hired, but I'd have to be PM every time, and that's more of a Kobe thing. Having just listened to Michael, I realize this makes two people on the show who have faint resemblances to human beings. Can someone please start working on one of our edits? This is getting scary.'

Roxanne (26, Austin, TX, appellate attorney): 'Can't help you, Pepi, because I'm the other person of high melanin concentration who's here just because Mr. Burnett has to keep up some illusion of fairness! But don't worry about me, guys: I'm not here for the job. I'm here for revenge. I'm here about a pair of casting calls named Verna and She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Hired. I'm talking about the cause of the black woman in the workplace being set back by about a hundred and forty-three years just because that little hat-wearing Aussie jerk decided he was going for an extra ratings point. So I'll work, and I'll do my best, and I'll go as far as I can, but I want you all to remember that as soon as I see my chance, I'm going to drop you like a radioactive hamburger and do what I was born for: stuff my fist down Markie-Mark's throat. You'd better edit me from a distance, scumbag!'

Sean (33, London, UK (currently Miami, FL): recruitment consultant): 'I'm Sean, and this is my British accent. Like Leslie, whom you'll meet in a minute, I am constitutionally unable to stop talking, but in my case, it's because everything I say sounds so damn good. I can tell you I'm going to get you fired in the Boardroom and you'll thank me because I just gave you the most distinguished backstabbing in history. God, how you people ever beat us even once is a total mystery to me. I will coast for several episodes on my perceived intelligence and fine academic credentials while hoping that no one figures out I stand a good chance of being a total twit. And yes, I just said that out loud, but I don't give any of you enough credit to work out a direct statement, especially since half of you are still deaf from Brent's little how-do-you-do. Besides, I was the only person bright enough to list Mr. Trump's book as one of my favorites, so I know he'll like me and protect me. And I listed Public Enemy as one of my favorite music acts, which means I like Flavor Flav, which means I will get no love in this summary. By the way, does anyone know Hottie's phone number? She and I have so much in common.'

Stacy (38, Manhattan, NY: criminal defense attorney): 'No, but I can get you Pumkin's. That's easy because she's scheduled to be on this show next season, plus I've had to defend her three times on public DAW charges. Anyway, I'm a public defender, which means I really came here because compared to my day job, this is a vacation spent among reasonable people in a low-stress environment. I also love the camera myself, because I've done CNN and Court TV commentary work. I think some of the prior Apprentice winners seemed a little vanilla, and you can quote me. And as a defense attorney, I say what I have to do get the job done and then shut up so Mr. Trump will have all the more time to talk. Top that, morons.'

Tammy (33, Edison, NJ: wealth manager): 'I'm a Jersey girl, in a Jersey world. I design briefcases, I don't use shoelaces! I live pretty nearby, but spoilers are hard to come by. I don't talk to you -- I'm better than you! Come on Tammy, come on and party, we all know who's the real smarty! I worked for John McCain, I can be a real pain. I'm gonna beat, I will defeat you! You can't fire me, all of you will see. Come on, morons, ready to tumble? My name's Tammy and I'm here to rumble!'

{And now, Gold Rush:}

Bryce (28, Kansas City, MO: home builder, and anyone remember our last reality show Bryce? Well...): 'Hello. For the duration of this interview process, I would like to be known as 'Donald Trump, Junior.' I am the perfect candidate because I too develop real estate. I too build new structures and sell them for incredibly high prices. I too dream of being surrounded by gaudy furnishings, metric tons of gilt, and leftover Bedazzler beads that dot the walls for no apparent reason. I am exactly like Mr. Trump in every way, except that I am smarter, younger, better-looking, and will one day be considerably richer. And I believe I proved my credentials to make intelligent decisions when I threw away my journalism degree to follow this path. After all, what could a journalist ever do to make money? And what could a journalist possibly do to a newly-public figure in revenge for that statement? Nothing. I shall now make the wind stop blowing with such force through the simple expedient of closing my mouth again.'

Charmaine (27, Nashville, TN: real estate consultant): 'I am Charmaine, and this is my nose. Since it's usually in the air, this will be all you see of me on most days, especially since if I catch you trying to look anywhere else, I'll kill you. I don't know how to lose. I have never lost in my life. Anything I do is guaranteed to succeed automatically. If anyone ever tells you I failed, they were simply lying to make themselves look better while trying to defame my perfection at the same time. It's not my fault that everyone else in the world completely fails to live up to my example. Well, there is one exception, but ever since my hero Kristen vanished into the depths of the asylum, she's been kind of hard to get in touch with. Luckily, talking to myself always provides the right answers.'

Dan (31, unrevealed place in NJ which means he's probably my neighbor: clothing company owner): 'I'm Batman. Okay, I'm not Batman. I just wish I was Batman. I have a four year-old son and the only person he ever listens to is Batman. I came on this show because I thought the first step would be becoming Bruce Wayne, or at least getting most of his money and a couple of the cooler gadgets. I love to invent things, hold a few patents, have founded three successful companies, and I'm still not Bruce Wayne. Or Batman. And I love my family too much to kill my parents just to make my son happy. Honestly, it's a real concern. Does anyone have a relatively non-tragic secret origin I can borrow until puberty? Hey -- I know! Maybe I can go on a reality show, be unjustly fired, and spend the rest of my life hunting down the corporate stooges who ruined my life! Call me -- HRMan!'

Lee (22, Brooklyn, NY: business analyst): 'Who am I kidding? I'm not the next Apprentice. I'm just here for the exposure. I'll work hard and do whatever I have to for my minicorp to succeed, but ultimately, it's going to be pointless. No matter how much prestige I've won in the New York markets for my expertise in business planning, Mr. Trump's not going to hire me because I'm too young and don't have enough experience. I was cast to be fired. I recognize that and I'm here anyway, because if I do well and then get dismissed, I can really expand my client range. I also recognize that sixteen more of you were cast just to be fired. I'm not sure if any of you have figured that out.'

Lenny (37, oh, for... East Brunswick, NJ: medical trading company owner): 'I am Lenny. I am from Soviet Union. I was solider for two years. I know how to make men wish for sweet release of death. Made entering American business market a Siberian breeze. I come here at age twenty-four knowing no English, and before anyone unfairly attack summarizer, this is actually how I talk. I am a hustler. Or I have hustle. It depends on who is reviewing my books. I bring old-fashioned Soviet ethics to show: determination, steadfastness, treachery, backstabbing, and seeking of revenge at first opportunity. Also, I brought my own knives. They are made from genuine antique Soviet toilet paper. Can cut through steel.'

Leslie (28, Hourna, LA: realtor): 'Hi, I'm Leslie, and I am so long-winded that whenever you see me talking here, you can assume I've been cut down to the fifteen hundred most essential words just to keep the website's servers from exploding. Seriously, you have to see my interview on the NBC website. I can't shut up. I've noticed that in a lot of people here, but it's only annoying because when they're talking, they're not listening to me. Of course, not listening is the key requirement for being on this show, so I sort of have to go along with it until I can get the rest of them fired. I went through college on a volleyball scholarship, which makes me one of the smartest people here: do you have any idea how hard it is to find a volleyball scholarship? I also swim, play tennis, make millions of dollars in real estate deals, and deplete the world's supply of oxygen. And I'm going to have the mixed honor of an exact quote in my introduction, Fair Use taken from the NBC website. I said "I could not think of one embarrassing moment in my life when filling out my application for this show and I tried very hard. I feel appearing on national TV could ultimately end my streak of never having an embarrassing moment," and I'm really, really hoping I don't regret saying that. It's probably too late. Fortunately, this is the only thing I'm going to say for the entire show. Do we have any show left?'

Summer (30, Huntington Beach, CA: restaurant owner): 'Hi, I'm Summer, and I own a restaurant. I don't know a single other interesting thing about me. I'm just here because -- well, I'm not sure, but the casting agent was making little snickering sounds on the phone when I got the call. I guess that means he thinks I'm a good fit for the show. He did say something about my being perfect for the first episode. I'm sure that's a good sign. Oh, and Stacy? Topped.'

Tarek (27, New Bedford, MA, hi-tech manager): 'Look at me. Yes, you can look all you like, because there's just so much here to go around. I am the most attractive man to ever appear on this show. I am a member of Mensa and the most intelligent man to ever appear on this show. I manage technology and have no people skills whatsoever. I am living proof that high intelligence and low common sense can go together in a perfectly manicured package. I am rich. I am successful. I don't own a television either. I am completely disconnected from the real world and live in a fantasy of money, mirrors, and me. Don't you wish you were me? I wish I was me, and surprise! I am me! Ah, me...'

Theresa (36, Barrington, IL: psychotherapist): 'I don't care about the job. I don't care about the tasks. I just thought I'd never have another chance like this for studying seventeen completely dysfunctional personalities at close quarters in my life.'

{Which brings us back to:}

Donald (59, Manhattan, New York, world-class DAW) (stunned silence, then): 'And I'm going to wind up keeping one of you? Oh, God... well, it's too late to turn back now. Look, since every team arrangement we've tried in the past four seasons has led to total disaster, we're going to let you sort yourselves out this time and see if that ups the comedy potential at all. Tarek, because you're in Mensa and might be nearly half as smart as me, you'll pick one team. Allie, because Harvard is nearly half as good as my school, Wharton, you'll pick the other. You'll be the first Project Managers of the new minicorps, which means Allie just met her goal and I can fire her at any time. Plus you're both so much fun to look at that I want you to step closer to me and get some room to think things over. Okay, time's up. Start picking.'

{ALLIE c-t freaks, feeling this is the most important decision she'll make in the entire show and she hasn't had nearly enough time to work it out. She hasn't even memorized everyone's names yet, shown when she picks TAMMY first by taking 'you'.}

Donald: 'Why her?'
Allie: 'Because I'm impressed by her credentials.'
Donald: 'But you have no idea who she is.'
Allie: 'But she's on the show!'
Donald: 'Good point. Tarek, who's your first victim?'
Tarek: A simple decision for a man of my brainpower. I choose Dan.'
Donald: 'Because...?'
Tarek: 'He's Batman. Duh.'
Allie: 'Um... you, the tall redhead.'
Andrea: 'I guess knowing who I'm working with isn't that important...'
Tarek: 'Fine -- that just means I'll get customly stuck later. The one with the Trump-pink tie.'
Bryce: 'Someone noticed!'

{The picks accelerate, with little shown -- ALLIE takes SEAN based on accent alone -- until there's two people left. ALLIE takes BRENT, sending LENNY to TAREK. Naturally, BRENT doesn't take this tail-end position personally at all.}

Brent (c-t): 'I am too good at dodgeball! I can play more than first base! I'm going to tell the gym teacher they had to make you let me play! Waaaah!'

Donald: 'And thus we form the Futileship Of The DAWs. Now let's get to the task. We're in the right place to think of combining aviation and advertising. For example, there's my jet. It has my name on it. When you see the jet, you naturally think of flying through the air. When you see my name, you naturally think of hot air. Put them together and you get blimps, which brings you back to me, my head, and the fact that the person who wrote this on the cue cards is fired! Ah... nothing like a little warm-up act before the feature show begins... Anyway, this week, I want you shilling for Sam's Club, because I've thought very hard about this and come to the conclusion that Wal-Mart just doesn't have enough money. Sam's Club is their attempt to corrupt small businesses and bulk-rate consumers from within by providing them with tires and utilities and discount CDs and all sorts of things that I'd personally corrupt them in if I had just more time. In order to help you and get me some extra promotional money, each minicorp will get a real Goodyear Blimp, and your chosen advertising campaign will hang proudly in the sky for all to see with nothing visibly holding it up, much like my last real estate venture. Your goal is to sell either new memberships or membership upgrades for the Club: I'll count either one, and whichever team sells the most wins. The other team comes into the Boardroom, where someone has to experience an incredible release. That'll be me. And one of you, but I doubt you'll take it the same way. Now get moving! I've got another dozen companies to promote and they're getting sick of waiting!'

{The minicorps flee as quickly as possible. Of course, there's always time for a confessional.)

Allie (c-t): 'Give me a chopping block! Give me an axe! Give me my own head! What does that make me? Project Manager!'

{Everyone piles into large vans and starts the long drive into the wilds of New Jersey, where the Sam's Clubs are currently scorching the ground around them as the giant eye slowly forms over the roof. Naturally, the talk turns to thoughts of the new teams.}

Allie: 'I have no idea who you all are and I picked you through closing my eyes and spinning in a circle, but I just know my spinning instincts are going to work out. I used to be a cheerleader!'
Pepi: 'So who are we, exactly? And I mean as a group.'
Brent: 'We're the Killer Instinct Corporation because all the cool kids in school call themselves Killer or how about this Killah! Huh? Huh?'
Michael: 'Call it a hunch, but despite the historical precedent, I don't think we'll get very far walking into all these big businesses and announcing that Murder Inc. just dropped by.'
Brent: 'But people should fear us for more than the smell of my flop sweat!'
Sean (c-t): 'No one will get this, but I'll say it anyway. Brent only wishes he was Herbie Bookbinder.'
Pepi: 'Look, in the name of not getting gunned down in the lobby: Synergy. Deal?'
All Synergy contestants (including a pouting Brent): 'Deal.'

{Meanwhile, in Van #2:}

Tarek: 'I will make the plan. I am in Mensa. You will follow the plan. You are not in Mensa. You will not understand the plan. You are not in Mensa. But you don't have to, because I am in Mensa. I think faster than you. I can evaluate people's ability to follow my orders at a glance, and that's why I picked all of you: because you can follow orders without thought, question, or -- well, that just about covers it, doesn't it? Now, our team name is Gold Rush, for two reasons: because we all want to make a lot of gold, and you wouldn't understand the other one, but it was really, really funny. Now everyone be silent while I take multiple confessionals to cheer myself on.'
Summer: 'Guys, if you've never been to a Sam's Club, you should know they serve both small business owners and regular people, but they open earlier and stay open later for the small business owners, giving them exclusive shopping times. I'm a member, and this is how they sold the package to me: they --'
Tarek: 'Excuse me! Confessionalling here!'
Summer (c-t): 'Uh-oh.'
Tarek (c-t): 'Did you hear a word I said? Get out of here! My confessional! Mine!'

{Gold Rush pulls into their Sam's Club, which is located in -- East Brunswick, New Jersey. This basically means Lenny knows exactly how to get there, how long it'll take to navigate that particular jughandle, and just how horrible the parking is in that lot, which is shared with a next-door flea market on the weekends, but don't worry: Wal-Mart is scheduled to drive them out of business by the end of next year, and that's all the more parking for their customers!}

Tarek (c-t): 'We brainstormed an advertising slogan -- well, I did, because I am the Amazon rain forest and they are Death Valley in July -- then went to the blimp operator and told him what to put on it. I've decided to let him operate his own blimp because I can't be everywhere at once, at least not until my auto-clone machine is finally legalized. Damn you, Bush administration! Damn you!'
Theresa (c-t): 'Sam's Club has brand recognition. Sam's Club has loyalty. Sam's Club wants to take over the world. Of course, none of that really means anything to new customers, who are a lot of what we're trying to lure in, but using as much of their existing advertising as possible did save Tarek from reassigning the brain cells that were working on solving world hunger. So we're going with flashing 'Sam's Club: It's A Big Deal' and the hours of operation on the sides of the blimp. This saves us from over-analyzing the situation, which is a good thing because I have another Project Manager coming in tomorrow and when you're billing at two confessionals an hour, you have to manage your time. Now, Tarek -- tell me about your mother.'

{Meanwhile, Synergy has arrived at their future army staging area warehouse. The location of this one is unknown, but it's well away from Manhattan, because:}

Allie: 'It's not going to take much to impress these suckers out in the boondocks. We may not even need to use the whole blimp. Do you think they've ever seen fire?'
Andrea: 'We should do something with the something by going someplace to deal with someone somewhere sometime today -- what? I'm not a details person.'
Brent (exact quote): 'Could we maybe rent like a karaoke machine and put it outside or something...'
{PEPI buries his face in his hands.}
Allie: 'Um... yeah. Would you like me to hire Simon Cowell for the day and triple our people-driving-away ability?'
Brent: 'Could you please because the line was so long that day and I never got closer than the second third of it which really hurts because I can totally shake my groove thang wanna see?'
The rest of Synergy, choral response: 'Maybe next episode.'
Allie (c-t) 'I picked him. I could have had Lenny and I picked him. I could have pushed him out the van's door while we were on the highway and everyone would have sworn it was an accident. But...' (exact quote): 'I appreciate his energy. He's full of it. Um... full of energy, that is.'
Brent: 'Brak brak brak hair done in the store brak brak brak women love their hair brak brak brak hair hair hair!'
Allie: 'Did you say something? I was playing with my hair and didn't hear you.'
Andrea: 'Stuffing it into your ears counts as playing? Anyway, who'd want to get their hair done here? It's so -- generic.'
Brent: 'Women's services women's likes women's tastes women's undergarments now now now!'
Tammy: 'Um... how about massage chairs at the front of the store?'
Brent: 'Yeah I give great massage I'll give you a massage right now right now now now anyone want a massage come to Brent and his wonder hands!'
Allie: 'Err -- great idea, Tammy! Massage chairs! Sure, we'll do that! We'll add some manicure stations too! We'll do anything because it means this brainstorming session is over and we can leave Brent to call up a provider and negotiate with them until they work for free just to shut him up! So while he's doing that, let's go wash the image of Brent massaging our bodies out of our heads forever!'
Brent (c-t): 'Allie is threatened by me because I have good ideas and a lot of them and I talk a lot and she's just trying to get me out of the way because she's threatened by me and my great ideas and my incredible masculinity not to mention Brent's wonder hands want a demonstration?!?'

{And now, just to show why you have to paraphrase BRENT most of the time, his actual c-t, which was delivered in something under four seconds: 'I have good ideas! I don't know what Allie's problem is! Maybe she feels I threw out too many and I talk too much! Maybe she feels threatened by me! Maybe she feels I shouldn't be here and I'm going to make them look bad! I! Don't! Know!'}

{Any questions?}

{Back at Gold Rush, TAREK is giving SUMMER her marching orders.}

Tarek: 'Summer, I understand much better than you do that you are in the restaurant business. Here is a list of phone numbers and E-mail addresses for all the local eateries in the area. I want you to cold-call them and lure them in tomorrow using whatever brilliant business plan I explained to you off-camera, which may or may not exist in a truly quantum universe. Start now.'
Summer: '...okay, but I'll have to do it before the dinner rush starts, or they'll be too busy to listen. At this hour, I've got about five minutes to work. So if you could just explain what I'm supposed to be selling to them, other than the general Sam's Club benefits which they probably know about already -- '
Tarek: 'They should really learn to extract nutrients directly from the air. Goodbye!'
{TAREK leaves and SUMMER places her first cold call from the break room, with CHARMAINE watching.}
Summer: 'Hi, I'm calling from Sam's Club...'
Gordon: '(Censored) you, you little (censored)! Don't you (censored) know I'm trying to (censored) prepare a (censored) dinner here! Who the (censored) calls in the middle of a dinner rush? You're never getting (censored) in my (censored) again if I have to (censored) every last (censored) (censored) (censored) (requires triple jointing) one of you! (CENSORED)!!! SHUT IT DOWN!!!! SHUT IT ALL DOWN, RIGHT NOW!!!!!' *phone melts*
Summer (c-t): 'So basically, I had no one to call because of the hour, nothing to sell them because of Tarek, and if I went out on a limb with my own plan, I'd be Boardroom bait, plus I'd have to think of one. So that was the only call I made all day. What was the point to working without a plan? -- say, I think my hearing is starting to come back!'
Charmaine (c-t): 'I don't understand this. She should have been able to relate to the other members of her servant class.'

{After a brief break for commercials to allow the rest of us recovery time and the option to turn Closed Captioning off again, it's time for Unca Donald's Lesson Of The Week: Change The Team, which is all about getting rid of the people who can do you harm. Or, as DONALD puts it:}

Donald: 'There once was a woman I knew,
whose show is currently through.
She damaged my ratings
and set me to hating
that completely despicable shrew.'

{It's early morning on Day #2, and the blimps are being prepared for takeoff. Each minicorp has to place two members of their team on board, which is supposed to be for relaying emergency last-minute changes, but it's really to get the problem children out of the way. Given that, guess who's going up there for Synergy?}

Brent: 'This is a waste of my talents and a waste of my time and an absolute push-off of my ideas and an inefficient use of most of the helium and what did she mean send a lot of hot air up with a lot of hot air and --'

{Okay, that's enough. Trust me, he goes on in this irritating vein for a while, focusing on how he's not going to complain while complaining, how the massage idea was actually somehow his because he started the brainstorming with the hairdressing idea, and by the time he's done being a team player by be-yotching about how he's not part of the team, the blimp is four hundred feet higher than it's supposed to be. For what it's worth, STACY is with him, and given that she's said nothing since her introduction, it's probably just to have someone around that can push him out from a great height.}

{The rest of Synergy has dressed up in black Sam's Club T-shirts to make them easy to spot, and they're going to work on the people who's been lured in by their blimp-promised free manicures and massages. (There's an unknown promotional budget at work here -- probably a couple of thousand dollars per team.) The placement is fairly well-done: tents just inside the door, situated to more or less force people to pass through before reading the main store. As it turns out, Synergy contains some decent salespeople: MICHAEL is very personable (and has a cute moment where he offers to babysit so a mother can get a massage), and the ladies just love listening to SEAN's accent. And the name of this game is XX, as in chromosomes, as in target market: Synergy has decided to forget about the small business owner and go with the mom shopping for bulk warehouse discounts, with extras focus on the health care savings offered by the program after the mini-pampering gets the parents into their clutches. Things seem to be going halfway well, but that's generally called 'editing' -- unless you get a Team Trump member on your side: GEORGE is on-site and he likes the idea, noting that the Synergy members are making exceptionally friendly contact with the customers. Fortunately, the store owner is hosing SEAN down every hour on the hour.}

{Over in East Brunswick, Gold Rush is starting their day in blue T-shirts and with a very brief moment of humanity: TAREK laughing with delight as he steps out of the warehouse and looks up to see his blimp floating overhead. LENNY and SUMMER are enjoying the view, and TAREK maneuvers them over Route 18 for maximum visibility. (TAREK explains his choice of blimp crew in c-t: LENNY because he knows the area and can move the blimp to where the most people will see it, and SUMMER because he doesn't trust her after the one-call incident.) And what's the secret in-store marketing plan that TAREK's genius brain came up with? Free duffel bags. Sam's Club blue duffel bags with the logo on them and absolutely nothing inside. To the first four hundred and eighty-five customers. Plus there's some free cookies, but those may have been stolen from the break room. The bags aren't set up that close to the door, and TAREK is seen actively directing traffic. While the customers are certainly glad to get their freebies, they haven't been lured in by anything blimp-specific -- it's 'Hi! Did you know this was Free Bag day?' -- and a quick attempt at a sales pitch. On the one hand, they don't have Synergy's problem of people showing up just for the freebies, but they don't have pre-relaxed, freshly-pampered customers to talk to, either. Or to put it another way:}

Carolyn: 'So what's the big plan? Your blimp keeps saying this is a big day for a big deal, but I'm not seeing it yet.'
Tarek: 'Behold the work of my genius!' *displays duffel bag*
Carolyn: 'It's a duffel bag. It's worth about four dollars. It has nothing in it. Your point?'
Tarek: 'It's a giveaway! I'm brilliant, aren't I?'
Carolyn: 'So they get this free when they sign up for a membership? I suppose that's something...'
Tarek: 'No, just for walking in.'
Carolyn: 'And -- after they sign up, you put more free stuff in it?'
Tarek: 'Why would we do that?'
Carolyn: 'As a promotional incentive.'
Tarek: 'I know every one of those words, but I don't understand how you're putting them together.'
Lee (c-t) 'We're dead. The big plan is that there is no plan. Or at least, we don't have any plan we can understand. Tarek seems to understand it, but he still hasn't explained it to the rest of us. It's probably because of quantum. There's nothing I can do here except sell to every person I see, and I'll encourage the others to do the same. I'm going to keep my business suit on and act as a on-site consultant: that'll give us one extra service to sell for a grand total of one. The others will make the more conventional customer contacts, and since Lenny and Summer are in the sky and close to God, they're on prayer duty: hopefully they get heard really, really fast. By the way, what's the requirement for joining Mensa? Having just enough intellect to fill out the membership dues check?'

{With that said, Gold Rush tries a massive sales push, using all of their skills, charm, and the mixed benefits of being drafted into the Wal-Mart army to sell both new memberships and upgrades. We get a few quick shots of people listening with various levels of boredom, and a couple of forms actually seem to be getting filled out. The minicorp enters the commercial break at the end of their sales day, confident that they got the job done. There goes that editing again -- which means it's time to gather in the Boardroom and find out who actually won.}

{Both groups enter, still in their Sam's Club T-shirts (minus one). GEORGE and CAROLYN are waiting for them. DONALD, as per usual, comes in a few seconds later. It takes a little extra time to install the overdub feed.}

Donald: 'Lee, what's up with your suit? There's no individuality allowed at Sam's Club!'
Lee: 'I wanted to be there as a business person for the business people who shopped there. The rest of the team agreed with me.'
Donald: 'You're just lucky they haven't upgraded to full-scale gulag yet. Allie, how do you think your team did?'
Allie: 'We drove down the field! We dove over the goal line! We kicked the extra point up their butts!'
{BRENT glares at ALLIE for no apparent reason.}
Donald: 'I'd like to see you do that again later, preferably while wearing a very short skirt. Tarek, how about your team?'
Tarek: 'We are dominant, we are powerful, we are, to put it briefly, led by me. And my legs are nicer than hers.'
Donald: 'We'll see what happens after I get you into the skirt. I have to say, though -- all this confidence, while very nicely overdone and certainly standard for this show, is starting to get on my nerves. One minicorp has to lose. Aren't any of you picking up the delicate scent of failure on the wind?'
Summer (exact quote, hesitant speech): 'I think that things went -- rather well. There's things that I would have changed...'
{The rest of Gold Rush nervously laughs in an effort to prevent her from finishing.}
Donald: 'Oh, a doomsayer! Does that bother you, Tarek?'
Tarek (stands up and does a quick soft-shoe routine): 'Whooooo's in the Boardroom -- this week!'
Donald: 'Don't ask me: I only decided who the ultimate winner was. Carolyn, is Tarek bringing Summer into the Boardroom this week?'
Carolyn: 'He's got a shot at it. Gold Rush used basic, simple, brain-dead marketing techniques and a slogan that meant exactly nothing to give away cheap duffel bags to people who didn't buy anything. But they are fast talkers and Lee doesn't look entirely like a kid wearing his father's suit, which helped them sell or upgrade a total of forty new memberships.'
Donald: 'And we only pre-rigged the store with twenty people, so that's not bad. George, what about Synergy?'
George: 'Synergy gave stuff away for free with their blimp and never said anything about memberships either. In fact, both groups tried to pre-sell the idea of joining by saying nothing about the idea of joining, which doesn't work all that well for the development of a fascist army. But unlike Gold Rush, Synergy remembered a basic rule of business: when you welcome your customers with a complimentary shot of opium, they'll agree to anything after it sets in. Unfortunately, you whippersnappers outlawed that back in 1904, so they had to settle for the second-class massages instead. It was still good for a total of forty-three memberships.'
Donald: 'So Synergy wins -- sort of. Because let's face facts, people: a winning margin of three means that you were both going more on sales and dumb luck than the draw from your promotions. Synergy got more people in the store with their giveaway, but arguably did less with them. Gold Rush couldn't promote to save their lives, but managed to come close just by working closely with their customer base, plus people felt sorry for Lee after seeing him in that suit. This was supposed to be a marketing task, and you both failed. But it's votes that count, so -- Gold Rush, one of you is the weakest link, and tomorrow, we'll be saying good-bye! Synergy, I guess you deserve some kind of reward for your dumb luck, so we'll have lunch tomorrow at the Wharton Club, where I'll try to teach you something about real marketing while I earn a million dollars by promoting my old school. And Allie, you may have noticed that I said nothing about a winning Project Manager having one week of immunity, nor did I call for a vote. This may or may not be significant. Everybody out. My head hurts. God, two whole blimps at their complete beck and call, and not one person thought about giving away a free ride with each new membership...'

{We leave the Boardroom on DONALD's excellent point -- hey, I would have signed up on the spot -- and move to the porch of Suite #1, where nearly all of Gold Rush has gathered to plan out their first lynching. Guess which two members weren't invited to the discussion. Just guess.}

Tarek: 'Someone on this team has to go! And it's not me! The name of this game is not 'eat the smart!''
Dan: 'It's not me either, because I've got another movie to film and no one's going to hurt my stardom yet. I think we all know who the villain of this story arc is.'
Theresa: 'Summer! My expert reading of your secret thoughts reveals that you want Summer out of here! And I don't blame you. Who throws their team under the bus by doing something less than a totally mindless open rooting for their cause in front of Mr. Trump? Openly admitting that she would have changed things? Who changes things without paying me a hundred and fifty dollars an hour for the privilege?' (c-t) 'It's all her fault. She made one phone call. If she'd made two calls, five calls -- well, everyone knows the return on cold calling is always one hundred percent! Wait -- okay, that works out to four calls. Minimum.'
Dan: 'She's poison! No, she's Poison Ivy! Whatever happens, don't let her kiss you!'
Charmaine: 'She's actually beneath the rest of you. I didn't think that was possible.'
{LEE looks uncomfortable.}
Theresa: 'Lee, I see that you look uncomfortable. Tell me how that makes you feel.'
Lee: 'I don't like bashing someone when they aren't there to defend themselves. It's why I didn't go for a career in summary writing.' (c-t) 'Summer didn't lose this task for us. If Summer didn't do her job, it's because someone didn't define that job. I know who lost this challenge, and he's sitting right across from me.'
Tarek: 'So what would you have done differently, sub-genius boy?'
Lee: 'I think we could have made some changes to our plan. Subtle changes. Like, say, having one.'

{The concept that someone else on the team may have a brain -- and a working one -- visibly worries TAREK as the scene cuts to Day Three, and DONALD hosting lunch at the Wharton Club. There really isn't much to say about this mini-reward -- it's lunch, it's expensive, it's with DONALD: hooray -- but the following exchange is noteworthy.}

Michael: 'Mr. Trump, can you tell us how it feels to essentially be your own brand?'
Donald: 'I try not to think about that. Honestly, I've had more important things to think about lately. Look around you. You think that what you're doing right now -- all of you -- being on this show -- is important. But then we'll have an earthquake in India, or a hurricane in New Orleans, and people will die. And compared to that, what we do here isn't important at all. It means absolutely nothing. And why? Because we're not making any money off those deaths! That's what I need from my apprentice: someone who can run my new brand of Trump Funeral Homes!'
All of Synergy, choral response: 'Will that be wood, metal, or gold, Mr. Trump?'
Donald: 'Iron pyrite. We'll get a better markup.'

{Back at Suite #1, LENNY and SUMMER, ousted from the group lynching, are holding a strategy session of their own.}

Summer: 'How was I supposed to prove to people that I knew about their business and could help their business by calling at the worst possible time for their business?'
Lenny (exact quote): 'You probably definitely will wind up in the Boardroom, right? But me? I don't know. Maybe I will, maybe not. When we go into the Boardroom, I want you to be quiet. Please. Alright? Don't bring anything up. Alright? Just be quiet. We heard you already.' (c-t, paraphrase) 'They will say I did not do job because I was in blimp. I did fine job in blimp. Blimp did not fall down.'

{TAREK, having realized he may need LEE on his side because it'll be easier to plant the knife from a short distance, takes him aside for a conference.}

Tarek: 'Look, maybe we could have done things differently, but I just didn't think 1.21 gigawatts of electricity was available at that location. Now I'm committed to not taking you into the Boardroom with me, but you have to work with me. That means not questioning me. Supporting my suit. Being in front of me all the way, where I can keep an eye on you. Can you do that?'
Lee: 'I know there's been worse leaders than you on this show, but there are things we could have done differently --'
Tarek: 'You say one word about that to Mr. Trump and you'll be setting yourself up as a target. And guess who's going to have the gun?'

{Boardroom time.}

{Eight DUBIOUSLY-LED VICTIMS and one FAR END OF THE INTELLIGENCE BELL CURVE (guess which one) enter the LOBBY and are immediately ushered into the BOARDROOM, where GEORGE and CAROLYN are lurking in the weeds. DONALD enters a few seconds later, having donned a blue tie and a fresh coat of shellac for the occasion. TAREK tries to give him a friendly nod as DONALD takes his seat. It doesn't work.}

Donald (exact quote): 'So, Tarek. You're a Mensa genius. How does it feel to lose?'
Tarek (laughs awkwardly): 'Yes, I lost. I hate to lose. I hate to lose so much because I have to take responsibility for the loss while simultaneously passing the buck to my chosen victims, which can give even me a headache. So the fault of my responsibility lies on the two people who did not perform their jobs during this task: Lenny and Squiggy. I mean Summer.'

{LENNY, who saw it coming, smirks.}

Donald: 'But don't you give Summer any credit for at least seeing it coming?'
Lenny (desperate not to let Summer talk. Wise man, Lenny): 'Can I speak for a minute, seeing as how my name was mentioned? Tarek thinks I am at fault, but he put me in blimp.'
Donald: 'Are you saying you shouldn't have been in the blimp? I thought you could spot our secret missile bases from there.'
Lenny: 'I live in area. Already know all secret missile bases. I would not trust Tarek to lead me into one of your controlled ports. Was that his genius idea as fearmongering leader?'
Donald (exact quote): 'Do you want to know what they did when they put you in the blimp? They sent you to Siberia.'
Lenny: *silence*
Donald: 'Lee, I admire a young man who can't get out of a suit no matter what the circumstances. Tell me what you think.'
Lee: 'I think Tarek should start taking notes. We were mismanaged. There was no creative process. The duffel bags stunk.' {TAREK looks stunned.} 'I know exactly who I'm blaming for this, and it's not Summer or Lenny. It's their manager. I wonder who that was? -- and Tarek, that's how you bash someone when they are there to defend themselves.'
Donald: 'We'll get back to Tarek in a little while, since I'm sure he needs time to think of an appropriate response. Theresa, break this down for me.'
Theresa: 'Breakdown? Who? -- oh, Tarek again... Well, I thought he was an effective leader, and he won the respect of the team.'
Donald: 'Which means you're saying Lenny, Summer, and Lee aren't part of the team.'
Theresa: 'Did innocent little me just imply that? I'm so sorry... implications are bad things. Now, saying that Summer only made one phone call...'
Summer: 'Do you inject patients with drugs when they're in the middle of electroshock therapy?'
Donald: 'You have a point somewhere in there, I just know it.'
Summer: 'It's the busy time! They all would have hung up on me! And my phone was melted!'
Carolyn: 'There's a store line, even if you have to sign over five percent of your soul to use it. How many people did you call before your phone melted?'
Summer: 'One.'
Carolyn: 'Again, and this time, whimper a little.'
Summer: 'One.'
Carolyn: 'I don't think you sound humiliated enough. Again, and this time, flinch when I crack the whip.'
Donald: 'Carolyn, what's the fifth rule? I get to have fun first.' {CAROLYN backs down.} 'Charmaine, who do you blame for this failure?'
Charmaine: 'I look down on all of them equally, so I can't isolate any single person to loathe the most. But if I had my choice, I'd lose Summer right now. What good is a slave who can't even communicate with other slaves?'
Donald: 'Secret-keeping. Read a history book sometime. Look, Charmaine, I don't know about you, but I personally admire precognition. Summer saw the failure coming. Don't you want that kind of ability on the team?'
Dan: 'Mr. Trump, I can't give anyone credit for trying to escape from a deathtrap when the only other alternative was ending the series and forcing the company to give back thousands in subscription money. Didn't you notice she only made her prediction once she realized she was in front of someone who might listen to her -- wait. That came out wrong. Can I try again?'
Donald: 'Suffer, cowl boy. Now, Tarek. You can bring one person into the Boardroom with you. Or two people. Or three. I'm flexible and I could match my old record at any time. Should I take a wild guess as to who's coming back?'
Tarek: 'That would be Summer, Lenny, and my most recent mentor in the long line of teachers that I'm smarter than, Lee. By the way, Lee -- this is how you take revenge.'
Donald: 'Oh, now he starts to learn... Okay, the four of you go out to the Lobby while Carolyn and George make strange sounds that I can't be bothered to pay attention to. Bryce, Dan, Leslie, Charmaine, and Theresa, go back to the suite, where you're safe for the night. Or not. I'm a wild man. I could get any of you at any time. Even in your dreams...'


Door: 'Cliche'.'
Donald: 'Carolyn, produce noise.'
Carolyn: 'No doubt in my mind: it's Summer. I hate people who don't know how to be properly terrified.'
George: 'Boss, I think I'm about to display a tiny sign of softness in my middle age. I think you have to be careful with Tarek. You picked him to lead: most Project Managers get to volunteer. Except for Little Stacey. You'd swear someone was still bitter about that... Anyway, because Tarek is very intelligent and smart people crack and try to kill everyone around them at the drop of a hat, I blame Summer, at least until you get more security up here. I don't understand why she can't call any people at any time, especially since this new blood substitute I'm using lets me work twenty-four hours a day. I thought it was available to the general public.'
Donald: 'It is, but so few of them want to deal with the new gills... Okay, Robin, let them in.'
Robin: 'Have all of these five-second appearances added up to fifteen minutes yet?'

{The LACKWITS enter and take their seats.}

Donald: 'Lee, how much do you hate Tarek right now?'
Lee: 'A lot. He said I did a good job. He even said he'd teach me about kissing girls!'
Tarek: 'I only give that reward to the real brownnosers. Traitors who tell me I'm doing well to my face and say I'm doing badly to Mr. Trump's only get the shaft.'
Lee: 'One of these days, I'll be big enough to stuff you into your own locker, and then you'll see who's better!'
Tarek: 'Mr. Trump, does the Boardroom serve warm milk? Someone needs a nap.'
Lee: 'Fine. Take this. I never said you did a good job. I said you did some good things. No one can get their ego in a confessional better than you. And Mr. Trump, before you ask, if I were you, yes, I'd fire Tarek. He promised me he wouldn't bring me in the Boardroom, and you may have noticed where I am right now. He made a promise that he was going to break on the record. What kind of intelligent businessperson does that?'
Donald: 'That's a very good point. I'd think a Mensa member would know better. Tarek, I will review the tapes if I think you're lying: did you make that promise?'
Tarek: 'Umm... yes. So? Don't you want to gaze upon me some more?'
Donald: 'I have your application photo to get me through the night. Why did you break your promise?'
Tarek: 'Because I could. Duh.'
Donald: 'Lee, do you have less respect for Mensa than you did a day ago?'
Lee: 'Obviously someone there is as dumb as Tarek, and that's the person who approved his application.'
Tarek: 'Did you just call me stupid?'
Lee: 'Not at all. By the way, moron says what?'
Tarek: 'What?'
Lee: 'Exactly.'
Donald: 'Now let's be fair. I don't think Tarek is stupid. I just think he's completely disconnected from reality. Here's an example: Tarek, why did you bring Lenny back?'

{The dramatic backbeat comes in and starts to build.}

Tarek: 'What?'
Lenny: 'I think he is broken.'
Tarek: 'But -- but...'
Lenny: 'I was in blimp because he put me in blimp. Because I am from area. And he does not like me, so he get me out of way. Like he trying to do now.'
Donald: 'That's how I'm seeing it.'
Tarek: 'But -- he didn't step up from the blimp! Or fall down! He could have flapped his arms real hard and flown on his own while towing an extra sign!'
George: 'He was from the area. He gave you home field advantage! Do you know what it's like to get the British on your own battlefield? Well, let me tell you --'
Donald: 'Save it for your upcoming History Channel series. Tarek, I'm just about convinced that you're completely to blame here. Can't you hear the dramatic backbeat building in the background? It's calling for you, Tarek. Calling for youuuu...'
Tarek: 'But it's all their fault! Not mine! Theirs!'
Donald: 'I don't see that for the men. They did the jobs you assigned them to, and they did them well. If anything's at fault for them, it's the leadership.'
Tarek: 'But -- I'm the leader -- are you saying --'
Donald: 'They shouldn't be in here with you. You have a legitimate case with Summer, but you made a mistake hauling them back.'
Tarek: 'No -- I didn't -- please don't say that...'
Carolyn: 'Oh, we're back to Summer! Finally! Summer, say it again, and this time, scream 'Yes, Mistress!' What did you contribute?'
Summer: *silence*
Carolyn: 'Now, submissive.'
Summer: 'I made a phone call. Okay?'
Donald: 'Anything else?'
Summer: 'Product knowledge. Um... familiarity with the product. And -- maybe some general product information...'
Carolyn: 'What did you contribute? What did you contribute? That's the third time I've asked and I'm still waiting for that 'Yes, Mistress'.'
Summer: 'This is because you have a crush on Tarek, isn't it?'
Carolyn: 'Mayyyyy-be...'
Summer: 'Well, it's not as if your golden boy knew the product.'
Tarek: 'I knew the product! I admire Wal-Mart's attempts to take over the world!'
Summer: 'You'll go first, Mensa boy.'
Donald: 'Hold up. I want some more from the blameless. Lenny, are you going to go Russian Mafia on George and Carolyn if I fire Summer?'
Lenny: 'I feel it would be wrong decision. Make of that what you will.'
George: 'The scent of Carolyn's hormones is starting to make me dizzy. I need my memory refreshed. We all know they had a promotional budget. Tarek, what did you use it for again?'
Tarek: 'Gift bags.'
George: 'And what was the gift?'
Tarek: 'A cheap duffel bag with nothing in it, that fell apart about four hours ago.'
George: 'And you don't think customers would find that to be a poor incentive to sign up as new or upgraded Club members?'
Tarek: 'We were supposed to use promotional items as an incentive?'

{LENNY, LEE, and DONALD start laughing.}

Tarek: 'I -- I don't think I made a bad decision...'

{The music continues to build.}

Donald: 'Tarek, they're laughing at you. I'm laughing at you. And all things considered, including your horrible leadership and what I would swear was a typo on your IQ test results, you're fi --'
Summer: 'Can I just say something here?'

{The music completely derails.}

Donald: '...what?'
Summer: 'There's a speech I'd like to make at this time. I spent the whole night writing it.'
Donald: '...didn't you see that I was about to fire him?'
Summer: 'That's okay. I want him fired. I just want to make my speech first.'
Donald: 'Maybe you don't understand. I was about to fire him. Firing people is what I do. It's what I am. And you picked the fulfillment of my reason for existing -- to interrupt me?'
Summer: 'It's a good speech. It's about honesty and everything.'
Donald: 'Okay, that is it. I respect precognition. I respect going against the tide of your leader, except when it's me. But there's one thing I can't ever respect, and it's called Donaldus Interruptus. I was on the verge of the best Boardroom climax I've had in months, take that any way you like, and you decided to cut me off. So instead of the deep pleasure that follows a extended buildup and explosive ending, I guess I'll just have to settle for a quickie. Summer, you're fired.'
Summer: *long, badly-placed silence*
Donald: 'And Tarek? You missed it by that much. You were fired. The only reason I'm not going for a double is because the moment's lost and I'd rather build back up to it than make a half-hearted effort to get it back. The only thing that saved you for another show was Summer's stupidity. Remember that. You're only here because she's not.'
Lenny (exact quote): 'Not for long...'

{The contestants go out into the LOBBY.}

Tarek (shakes Summer's hand): 'Sorry about using the mind control device just then.'
Summer: 'It's your car alarm remote and security took the batteries out.'


Donald: 'If there's anything I hate more than that -- actually, there's nothing I hate more than that.'
Carolyn: 'Well, I got mine.'
Donald: 'Kid Overrated still does it for you? Well, Carolyn, in the words of Lenny: 'Not for long'.'

Summer's final words: 'So I got to meet seventeen of the most intelligent people in the world, and it turns out they're just as dumb as me. Go figure.'

{Next week on The Apprentice: Brent shakes his groove thang. In public. While wearing a bathrobe. And not much else. ARNutz will describe that for you, at least for the portions where she didn't have her hands over her eyes. Title taken from an old saying: 'The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits', which this show has proven every week since Season One. Peace, over and out.}

{I'll get you yet, Donald! See if I don't!}

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Table of Contents
  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
 Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep. #1 ...   Estee     03-01-06       
   Great start!   AyaK     03-01-06     1  
   RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   qwertypie     03-01-06     2  
   RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   Scuba Steve     03-02-06     3  
   RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   bullzeye     03-02-06     4  
   RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   ARnutz     03-02-06     5  
   RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   davwav02     03-02-06     6  
   RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   Hoobie     03-02-06     7  
   RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   buckeyegirl     03-02-06     8  
   RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   byoffer     03-03-06     9  
   RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   mysticwolf     03-04-06     10  
   RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   julez     03-07-06     11  
     RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   Estee     03-07-06     12  
         RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   mysticwolf     03-07-06     13  
             RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   Estee     03-07-06     14  
                 RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   mysticwolf     03-08-06     25  
         RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   julez     03-07-06     15  
             RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   Estee     03-07-06     16  
                 RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   julez     03-07-06     17  
                     RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   Estee     03-07-06     18  
                         RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   julez     03-07-06     19  
                             RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   Estee     03-07-06     20  
                                 RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   julez     03-08-06     21  
                                     RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   Estee     03-08-06     22  
                                         RE: Official RTVW Apprentice #5 Ep....   julez     03-08-06     23  
                                             Cut it out, both of you   Bebo     03-08-06     24  

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