LAST EDITED ON 11-25-02 AT 10:56 PM (EST)

***OFFICIAL BACHELOR E8 SUMMARY: “ONE LONG STUPIDITY”***

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.
-- Cher

Marriage marks the end of many short follies - being one long stupidity.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

*****

Well folks, we’re finally here. It’s the final episode of the second edition of The Bachelor. In the next two hours, we will find out the answers to the following burning questions: Which bachelorette will Aaron choose? Will they find love? Will there be a proposal? Will she say yes? Will I manage to finish this summary without falling asleep? Does anyone actually care?

Now, since this is the summary of the final episode, the “Previouslys” must necessarily include a fond look back at the entire journey:

In the preview show, we first met Aaron and the four other potential bachelors, and all of them were massive tools. Aaron was picked because, well, I don’t know why. Maybe because he was the biggest tool of them all, or maybe because he had the most family money, I suppose, and could save ABC the cost of the engagement ring (more on that later).

We also caught up with the original Bachelor, Alex, when he and Amanda gave their final interview ever, and don’t even think of asking them again, because their relationship is private. If by “private,” they meant “nonexistent,” since it’s hard for a man and a woman to have a meaningful romantic relationship when one of them is gay. Oh wait, that’s right, Alex isn’t gay. The two of them put quite a lot of energy into making sure we were clear on that point, didn’t they? It brought to mind my favorite line from Hamlet. You know, the one about protesting too much.

By the way, for those of you clamoring for Bachelor gossip (don’t deny it - you know you want it), it turns out that my new boyfriend, let’s call him Bob, went to college with Alex, so I have it on good authority that Alex and Amanda did indeed break up quite a while ago. However, Bob also says he’s pretty sure Alex is not gay, so… I don’t know.

In Episode 1, we got to meet the 25 whores, or “bachelorettes” as their pimp Michael Eisner prefers to call them. Actually, did they really call them that? I’m not even sure. Maybe they called them “ladies”. I can’t remember at this point, and I’m not going back to check. Most of the whores were blonde, with a few ethnic types thrown into the mix in the name of diversity. The field was immediately cut to 15 after a night of preening for both Aaron and the cameras, but not before Suzanne told Christi that being Miss Idaho wasn’t such a big deal because there weren’t that many women in Idaho, and at the time we just thought it was routine, run-of-the-mill cattiness, rather than the first push towards sending Christi completely over the edge, resulting in her running to the internet to download recipes for boiling bunnies so she could play Glenn Close to Aaron’s Michael Douglas. Also, at some point, Anindita compared herself to a cow, or…something. What was up with that, anyway?

In Episode 2, we saw the now-famous catfight involving Christi, Anindita, and Suzanne. It hurt Christi’s heart, remember? Anindita and Frances made feminists everywhere proud when they were EMPOWERED by rejecting Aaron before he could reject them, attempting to thereby salvage at least some part of their reputations from being further sullied by this train-wreck of a show. Not that they were successful, mind you, but you’ve got to at least admire them for trying. Aaron tossed another three of the whores, leaving ten left, and made everyone watching slap their foreheads in disbelief when he actually gave crazy Christi a rose.

In Episode 3, Aaron’s friends showed up to help him out in his quest for love. Crazy Christi shoved her head so far up into their asses that she could see out their mouths, in an attempt to show them just how perfect she was for Aaron. Aaron, however, finally saw through it all and sent Christi packing, and watching her break down was even better than watching Rhonda hyperventilate in the first season. In other news, Brooke maybe left her panties in the limo with Aaron. Ew.

In Episode 4, the six remaining hos took personality tests to determine which of them were the most compatible with Aaron, meaning which of them also had no personality (seriously, he is so incredibly bland). With Christi gone, Heather took over as the resident crazy chick and was swiftly served out on her ass.

In Episode 5, Aaron visited the families of Gwen, Helene, Brooke, and Angela (who?), also known as the final four. Angela’s “family” also included her roommate, who some called crazy, but others called the most sane one there. Angela was then booted, leaving many to wonder how she made it to the final four without actually having been on the show.

In Episode 6, Aaron went on “exotic” overnight dates with the Helene, Gwen, and Brooke. He then eliminated Gwen and revealed that he had fallen in love with one of the remaining hos. Supposedly, it was “the most dramatic rose ceremony ever,” but I’m not sure I can see how anything could top the ones with the crazy chicks.

Finally, last week, we were reunited with the 23 losers, most of whom I swear I’d never seen before. Christi repeatedly claimed she was not crazy, again recalling Hamlet. Heather revealed herself to be even more of a basket case than originally thought.

Good times.

*****

A man walks down the street
He says why am I short of attention
Got a short little span of attention
And wo, my nights are so long
-- Paul Simon

*****

So here we are. The final episode. It’s the home stretch. Do-or-die time. Who will win the final ho-down? Will it be Brooke, the blonde southern belle with the jail-bird daddy, or will it be Helene, who has shocked odds-makers everywhere by making it this far even though she is a brunette? I’m giddy with anticipation! Oh screw it. I read LadyT’s spoiler. I already know. But let’s just pretend I don’t, or that you don’t, or that any of us even cares, okay?

The episode starts off with a 15-minute summary of what’s going to happen in the upcoming episode, and that’s in addition to the 10 minutes of Previouslys. Why is this necessary? They do the same thing before every frickin’ commercial as well. Man, if they would just get on with it and show us the actual episode already, the show would be half as long. Seriously, why on earth is it two hours? Nobody told me it would be two hours when I signed up for this summary gig. Lordy.

*****

Springfield, MO. Time for the ladies to meet Aaron’s family. Aaron pulls up to Helene’s hotel and picks her up. Helene is wearing a cute outfit of khakis and a sage-colored sleeveless cowl-neck. They ride around through Springfield and see the sights, including a big billboard with a really dorky picture of Aaron. They also look at some really nice houses that Aaron’s daddy might buy for them if they get married.

They end up back at Aaron’s loft apartment. It’s cleaner than an operating room, and it so clearly was furnished by a professional decorator, because there’s no way a hokey frat-boy like Aaron could have put this place together (except for maybe the cheeseball “art” on the wall). Downstairs, Aaron shows Helene Trolley’s, the new restaurant he’s building. Wait - how does a Successful Bank Vice President have time to start a restaurant? Because haven’t we been led to believe that Aaron actually works at the bank and hasn’t just been given a fake title to hide the fact that he’s on his daddy’s dole? Come to think of it, don’t you find it strangely coincidental that Aaron was able to find a space for his restaurant right in the same building where he lives? I bet his daddy owns the whole damn building.

Helene: If your apartment’s right upstairs, isn’t it going to be noisy?

Aaron: No, we’ve done a good job insulating. Besides, we’ll be so busy making hot, noisy, monkey-love upstairs that we won’t be able to hear anything else.

Plus, she won’t even notice the noise after she starts seeing the drunk people passed out in the doorway.

Aaron: It’s exciting to me that Helene’s starting to think about what it would be like living here. I can see the wheels turning.

Gee willikers, it’s almost like she’s considering marrying you, Aaron! Sheesh, you are aware of the premise of the show, right?

Next, they climb back in the limo, and he tells her they’re going to the airport. Then he voices-over that they’re going to the airport. Then we see them go to the airport. Do you think they might be going to the airport? Because I’m not sure yet.

At the airport, we meet Aaron’s dear old dad, Alden.

Daddy: Helene, that’s a unique name for an outstandingly beautiful woman!

Aaron’s daddy is a big tool, just like we would have expected. He gives Helene the once-over as he is talking to her and really creeps me out.

They fly in the family’s private plane to the lake house in Oklahoma. Man, this guy is making Bachelor No. 1 Alex look like a peasant. Alex’s family didn’t have a plane or a lake house. Especially a lake house that is way nicer than most people’s regular houses.

At the house, Helene meets Aaron’s mother Kathy and his grandma.

Helene: I really felt like I was Aaron’s girlfriend.

Wow, that’s a bold statement, seeing as how you’re considering marrying him and everything.

Granny: Do you work, when you’re not out being a whore?

Helene: Yeah, I’m a school psychologist. But don’t worry - I won’t let that get in the way of the whoring.

Aaron: I’m really glad Helene stuck it out. She was almost going to leave because of all the crazy chicks.

Mommy: It must have been like a beauty pageant. And I know because I used to judge beauty pageants. Those women can be vicious.

I always knew there was a reason I didn’t try out for beauty pageants.

Aaron suggests they go for a ride on the boat. It is a lake house, after all. OF COURSE they have a boat.

*****

We leave the lake house momentarily to check back with Brooke in L.A., where she hops on over to Harry Winston’s to try on engagement rings. Now, I rarely feel anything but contempt and loathing for media whores, and it isn’t like they haven’t been dangling the carrot of an engagement in front of these women for the entire series, but it sort of seems just a little bit cruel to actually have them try on real engagement rings when one of them is going to end up dumped. Like, couldn’t they have just measured their fingers without going through this whole production?

Or maybe I should just get over it. Media whores don’t really have feelings.

Brooke: It hit me that I was really trying on engagement rings as soon as she brought out those four beautiful diamond rings and slipped the first one on my finger.

Are you sure, Brooke? Your extraordinary powers of observation mystify me.

*****

Back at the lake house, Aaron’s brother Justin and his wife Tricia show up for dinner. Tricia looks a little like last season’s Amanda, except pregnant, and without the giant fake boobs.

Tricia: So Aaron met your parents. What’d they think?

Helene: Oh they loved him. What’s there not to like?

Um, for starters, he’s dull, insipid, and horse-faced. But I guess that’s all outweighed by the trust fund.

Mommy: You’re 27 years old, and why have you not found Mr. Right by now? And the reason I ask that is that by 27, I’d already been knocked up three times. What are you, some kind of old hag? Are you one of those career girls that are the reason for the downfall of civilization?

Did I miss something? Is it 1952? Being 28 myself, I guess I should just give up now and order up about twenty cats right away, because obviously I’m so old no man will ever deign to marry me. I hope my parents won’t be disappointed.

Helene: Well yes, I’ve been focusing on my career, although like I said, I still allow plenty of time for whoring. I thought I had found Mr. Right, and I was even engaged.

Mommy: How do you feel about relocating? Because Golden Boy here can’t get a job anywhere else without nepotism to help him.

Helen: I’d consider it, for the right reasons. But I like my job and I’d still want to continue, as long as there are school districts here.

Aaron’s brother Justin: No, we don’t have any schools here.

Ha ha, good one Justin! Then again, considering what a dimwit Aaron is, sometimes you have to wonder.

Nothing else interesting happens during dinner. This is so boring, and it’s not even half over yet!

*****

The next day, Aaron picks Brooke up in front of the same hotel he picked up Helene from the day before. Brooke is wearing a cute outfit of khakis and a black sleeveless cowl-neck. It’s the exact same outfit Helene was wearing, except a different color. I have a strange feeling of déjà vu.

Brooke and Aaron tool around Springfield in the limo. They go see his loft. They go see Trolley’s. Then they go to the airport and meet Aaron’s father, and Daddy uses the same line about Brooke’s name that he used on Helene. At this point, I realize that the entire date with Brooke never actually happened. They just digitally superimposed Brooke’s face over Helene’s and changed the color of her shirt. Otherwise, it’s identical.

Man, this was so boring the first time, it was excruciating to summarize. Please don’t tell me I have to do it a second time. I’m not going to do it, and you can’t make me.

Brooke does reveal that her initials are “BNS”, which she has on her license plate, and which Aaron suggests sounds like “buns”. He also thinks this observation is perhaps one of the wittiest things ever said. Whatever, tool. For what it’s worth, “BNS” doesn’t make me think “buns” at all, which is why I think it’s such a stupid joke, but actually makes me think of the BNP, which is the Banque Nationale de Paris. But also, I’m weird, so maybe you shouldn’t take that to mean anything.

We also find out that Brooke wants to go to law school, unaware of the fact that Legally Blonde was fiction, and she is not Reese Witherspoon.

Aaron lets us know that he hopes his family will tell him which girl they like better, so he won’t have to make a decision. Is this putz capable of doing anything by himself?

*****

In L.A. Helene tries on the same engagement rings Brooke tried on. It’s just as riveting the second time.

*****

At the lake house, it’s time for dinner.

Daddy: Have you had any second thoughts about this whole process?

Brooke: It’s been hard.

Daddy: What’s been hard about it?

Brooke: It’s emotional. Especially with all the crazy chicks. Also, after our first one-on-one date, I had a wonderful time, and then I got back and realized Aaron was dating nine of my closest friends, and he was just a big ol’ man-ho.

Mommy: You got involved with this because of your mother?

Brooke: Yeah. And what were the odds that it would be The One?

Not so good, I’d wager.

Brooke reveals that she was engaged in the past. Is it a prerequisite to get on this show that you have to have been engaged at least once before? I have never known anyone in real life who’s broken off an engagement, but you’ve got three right here: Brooke, Helene, and Aaron. Anyone want to place bets on how long the engagement that may or may not take place at the end of the show will last?

Daddy: Do you think 6 weeks is enough time to get to know someone well enough that you want to be with them for the.rest.of.your.life?

Brooke: When it’s right it’s right.

Aaron’s brother Justin: But how can you know someone in Fairy Land?

Ha ha! Justin is far and away my favorite person on this whole show. He’s had two lines total, and both of them are winners. You rock, Justin.

Daddy: I notice you have a tattoo.

Brooke: Yes, I do. It’s a dolphin going in a circle.

Daddy: Upstanding banking families such as ours frown upon deviant behavior like getting tattoos. Do you regret it?

Brooke: I’m sorry to say I really don’t.

Why would she regret it? She’s twenty-two and still in college.

Granny: Does it show in a bikini?

Brooke: Yes it does.

Granny: So Aaron has seen it?

That implies that Aaron has not seen Brooke naked, which I’m not sure is a valid assumption to make. Poor naïve, old-fashioned Granny.

*****

After meeting Aaron’s family, Brooke and Helene each have one more chance to win Aaron’s heart. Brooke goes first. Aaron is waiting for her in the Ladies’ Villa (at least that’s where I think he is). He is playing the piano, and he’s swaying around and all into it, and it’s so cheesy I can’t even begin to describe it. He’s so into himself that he doesn’t get up to let Brooke in the door. I’m thinking her chances aren’t looking too good.

They eat Chinese food for dinner while sitting on the same side of the table. I know it’s for t.v. purposes, but it looks so stupid. Awkward conversation ensues. They move to the couch. They have more boring, awkward conversation. Aaron is stressed over the decision he has to make. Brooke tells him she’s going to try to help him relax, presumably by giving him a blow job. Thankfully, all we see is some extremely tepid kissing, and the camera cuts away before anything raunchy happens. However, the next shot is of the two of them walking out to the limo, and Aaron’s face is all shiny, and all I can say is ew, ew, ew, ew, because I really don’t want to start imagining why Aaron is sweaty.

*****

The next day, Helene shows up, and Aaron actually gets up to let her in. The producers decide to use their imagination this time so the dates aren’t identical. That’s right, they’re having pizza instead of Chinese food! Aaron asks Helene if she likes mushrooms on her pizza.

Helene: My favorite! Are you, like, reading my mind or something?

Possibly, or maybe the producers ordered it based on what you told them you liked. I’m only speculating, of course.

During dinner, they take another opportunity to rip on the crazy chicks, because you can never have too much of that.

Afterwards, they move to the couch, and Helene whips out a gift she bought him. It’s a money clip from Tiffany’s. Do people really use those? I always thought it was just a cliché, not something people actually used. Aaron thinks it’s great, though, but I guess that shouldn’t surprise me - he needs any means he can get to carry all that money his daddy gives him.

They kiss a little, and then suddenly they’re leaving. Helene is now wearing a completely different outfit, and again I’m thankful that any intervening footage was cut out, because I don’t need to see that.

*****

The next 45 minutes are probably the biggest waste of time in the history of reality t.v. Aaron, Helene, and Brooke each expound extensively on the whole process, which is to say no one says much of anything. Aaron stares out pensively at the ocean. He goes to pick out a ring with a big, honkin’ diamond. Brooke and Helene wake up, do their hair, do their nails, and get dressed. And can I tell you, there is nothing more exciting than watching other women blow-dry their hair. Can we just get on with it already? Propose, already, dammit.

*****

Finally, after almost two mind-numbingly boring hours, we appear to be, just maybe, near the moment of truth. Aaron and Chris, The Host With The Least, enter a bedroom in the Villa. A bedroom? What the hell? Okay, whatever, it’s late, I’m just going to ignore it.

Chris: So it must be a relief to be finally finished.

Aaron: Yeah, I went ring-shopping, picked out a ring.

Chris: Do you have it?

Aaron: Yeah, here it is. It just jumped out at me.

Chris: Well no wonder. It’s the size of a golf ball. (Turns and yells off-camera.) Hey, who let him buy this thing? Are you people trying to bankrupt the network? You do realize ABC has no other profitable shows besides The Bachelor to bring in revenue, don’t you, especially after the whole Push, Nevada debacle?? Eisner's not going to be happy about this!

Aaron: Uh, Chris, actually my daddy paid for it. You see, this is real. I didn’t want anyone else paying for an engagement ring for me to give my fiancée. Well, not counting my daddy, that is.

This just proves what an idiot Aaron really is, because he just threw about twenty grand, maybe more, down the drain, for no reason. If paying for it “himself” was really that important, he should have let ABC buy the ring, then bought his own later, and sold the first one. What a dumbass.

Chris: Let me tell you what’s going to happen today. Brooke and Helene will not see each other at all today. You understand - the catfighting was all well and good for the early episodes, but now it’s all about love. Plus, we just spent half the episode watching them do their hair and makeup - it would be a shame to mess it all up. They’re going to arrive here, one at a time, not knowing if they’re arriving first or second. Then you’re going to have a chance to talk to both of them and let them know your decision. They’re both probably going to be expecting a proposal, so don’t be surprised if one of them claws your eyes out. I just want you to be prepared. Well, I’ll see you down at the pool!

Aaron heads down to the pool. The Rose Podium of Love is there, and there are flowers and leaves all floating in the pool, and like, did someone forget to call the pool man to come over and clean up before the taping? Chris, isn’t that your job?

Brooke shows up first. She’s beaming and happy, and of course she knows she’s getting the ring. Let’s cut to the chase.

Aaron: You’re beautiful. You were good for a few blow jobs. But you’re too young, and a banking family can’t have tattoos or jailbird daddies. So, sorry. See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya.

Much to her credit, Brooke actually maintains her composure until she gets in the limo, because it’s gotta be hard to get dumped so publicly, even for a media whore. But once in the limo, she completely breaks down. And I have to say, it’s not as ridiculous as the breakdowns of the crazy chicks, and I suppose it’s possible to develop some feelings at this point, but it’s not love. I don’t care what any of these people say - they’re never going to convince me. They’ve known each other for six weeks, gone on no more than six dates, if that, and several of them were group dates, and all of them were under the watchful eye of a film crew. And then you have the whole issue that Aaron is a lameass tool. Love? No.

Helene shows up. She and Aaron blather on about nothing for about ten minutes, and GET ON WITH IT ALREADY, I need to finish this damn summary.

Finally, finally, Aaron gets down on one knee and proposes, and, oh alright….Aw. Okay, I said it, but if you try to quote me, I’ll deny it. As if there was any doubt that she would, Helene accepts. Michael Eisner wets his pants over the excitement of it all.

And they live happily ever after, or something. If you watched the two of them on Good Morning America the next day, however, you’d know that Helene hasn’t moved to Springfield, they’re going to do a long-distance relationship for a while, and they have no immediate plans to get married. Call me old-fashioned, but doesn’t the word “engagement” connote an actual intention to wed? I give it a few months, tops. And that’s the romantic in me talking.