LAST EDITED ON 06-16-06 AT 07:14 PM (EST)

Due to the controversial nature of this episode, the usual nature of the summary has been altered. While the events that lead up to the problem time have been treated with the usual lack of regard for the genre, contestants, and laws of physics, along with a large amount of rough paraphrase in the early portions, the actual disruption -- what there is of it -- has been reported as accurately as possible. It's up to each reader and viewer to interpret what happened during that scene, and reach their own conclusion regarding the moments we weren't shown. Reader discretion is advised.

{And we're back, at least for a little while. As y'all probably know by now, the series has been canceled, and the much-pushed-back episodes now (finally) airing represent the last of what Fear Factor will ever offer. And for the record, this is not my fault. Sure, I summarized the first Reality Stars non-special, but that was just on a lark. Also because Voldemort showed up and I will get that last Horcrux if it takes every breath in her undead body. But did I somehow get the series canceled? No. That was NBC. They're the ones who kept pre-empting it, moving episodes in leaps of months, and making sure no one remembered why we were showing up by the time we finally staggered into what we thought was the Treasure Hunters preview room and were pleasantly shocked by the opening credits. I didn't do anything to Fear Factor. Like pretty much everybody, I didn't even know it was still on the air -- }

{-- if only for just a bit longer.}

{We're in the final days. Gather 'round and sit with me. We'll listen to a few stories by the light of a burning car engine, and we'll tell old tales about a show that had a dream. It wanted to make people throw up on national television. It wanted to make the airwaves reverberate with the sounds of screams. It saw a day where people would turn to each other on their couches and say 'I could do that', and all of them would be lying. It may have never made us face our fears -- but it showed us how much fun watching others failing to do so could be. We'll roast animal genitalia on a stick as we talk about superworms, D-list celebrities, mandatory helicopters, Jackson & Monica, and flags waving cheerily in the breeze from four hundred feet up, on a track suspended from a crane.}

{These are the precious hours, the last chance to be with an old friend before he slips away into the final credits that must one day claim nearly all, and in that priceless time, we gather to be with him. We watch one more time, and we remember, and we dream...}

{...and we mock.}

{But this time, at least for the series itself, we're mostly doing it out of love.}

{Come close now and stare into the flames, where familiar shapes are starting to form. Look into the fire and see what was, what will never be again. Emboss the last moments into memory.}

{Just a few more times, here now for the first of three, and then life will only exist in the past, a country we can only visit for a little while and never truly exist in.}

{Thrice more into the breach -- and then goodbye.}

Joe: 'The stunts you are about to see were all designed and supervised by trained professionals. They are extremely dangerous and should not be attempted by anyone, anywhere, any time. Unless you're the casting director for Last Comic Standing, in which case, we'll let you do the first one without benefit of car. Do I look tired? I think I look tired. I've never looked so tired on camera in my television existence. You'd swear something was sucking the life right out of me. Are we doing something today that I should be aware of?' *glances off-screen, looking to the left* *expression collapses* 'Oh, God.'

{Roll opening credits.}

{We are in a ancient racing stadium where the wrecks of cars burn freely around us, sending smoke into the heavily-overcast late afternoon sky, and we are waiting to find out what -- or rather, who -- has come to suck all the life out of our beloved Joe. Well, as you might recall, the original Reality Stars non-special had six contestants: Nikki, Ethan, Jenna M, Ryan, Reichen, and Voldy. It was a two-hour show with a standard top prize ($50,000) and two secondary prizes given out during the stunts. Joe lived through this. He even lived through extended bodily contact (i.e: any) with Voldemort, and it takes a tough man to stay within six feet without collapsing. But given that both the series and Joe are on their last legs anyway, the producers have decided to ramp up the pain factor: ten contestants, competing in teams of two over three hours (and three shows), with a top prize of $150,000 (booooo!) and lots of secondary prizes given out along the way. Bringing the noise, the funk, and the warning flashes that signal the start of a serious migraine are:}

{Jon & Twila: Survivor (7 and 9, respectively). Team Fibbers, consisting of Liar #1 and Liar #16b. One told a tiny little fib about his grandmother and has been riding it to a lack of fame, a lack of respect, and an excess of opportunities to defecate on people while they're sleeping, all of which he's been doing for the last few years with no interruption, especially on the defecation thing. (He has endurance for two activities in his life, and that's the first one.) The other told an equally minor distortion based in swearing on her offspring, and wound up being vilified for it by a jury who was just looking for an excuse to give the money to Chris anyway, although to her credit, this one hasn't been thrown off her job because she somehow mysteriously took sick on twenty dates that just happened to coincide with public speaking engagements. Twila makes roads for money. Jon gets people to beat him up for money. Jon makes more money than Twila. ($10,000 an hour. I asked. Donations will be cheerfully accepted and I will paste him one just for you.) Definitely not the physical powerhouse team: while Twila has strength and endurance, her dexterity isn't great, her balance is occasionally questionable, and she comes with a built-in handicap: Jon. Jon is weak. Actually, that's a false statement, because Jon is beyond mere weakness. Jon may be the least physically capable specimen to ever appear on this show, and yes, that includes Average Joe's David 'MegaDork' Daskal, how low can you go? Ninety-five percent of Jon's energy is dedicated to running his mouth (endurance activity #2), leaving four percent for his bowels, one percent for his sex drive, and pretty much nothing for everything else. (Yes, I realize I just made you picture Jon's sex drive. This may wind up being the least of my crimes over the next three weeks. Say, is fear going to be a factor for you?) On the other hand, Jon makes up for in trash talk what Twila lacks in crucial self-awareness, so they're probably not automatically doomed. They could reach second place while winning no prizes and going out with maximum suffering and not a single penny to their names. What can I say? Just this once, I'm going to be all about the best-case scenario.}

{Jonathan & Victoria: Amazing Race 6. Also known as Bluehair & Victim, although Jonathan's hair is back to its basic dyed black and Victoria is -- is -- well, stay tuned. This is the couple that went around the world on ego (Jonathan), sonic propulsion (Jonathan), emotional abuse (mutual, but more heavily towards Jonathan), potential-but-never-confirmed physical abuse (guess: everyone else did) and, because it has to be mentioned in the interests of fairness, a very occasional appreciation of the things around them, especially when they were small enough to be thrown at each other. This might even explain why they like children so much. Jonathan wants to be a Hollywood producer in the classic powermonger, 'I rule the immediate universe, or at least the casting couch' style. Victoria would probably like to have the huge alimony settlement that would come along with it. They yell. They argue. They appear on Dr. Phil's show, which may be their greatest crime of all, because if no one appeared on Dr. Phil's show, Dr. Phil would cease to exist, and I would be happy. Dr. Phil still exists. I am not happy. I blame Jonathan & Victoria. A lot. They have some scant amount of skill, but they're not the most focused of couples and as such, will be in trouble the instant they find something significant to argue about. Strategy. Tactics. The fact that they're both still breathing. This has always been Team Self-Destruct, and all we need is for someone to come along and push the button. Assuming it's available: they usually have their fingers embedded in it up to the second joint.}

{Now, when we're in a paraphrase-heavy summary, contestants are quoted in their own words if those words are either revealing to the situation, amusing, or provide just enough rope for them to hang themselves. As such:}

Jonathan (exact quote): 'Being on Fear Factor for us is about redemption. Redemption because of what the public perceives us to be. They think that we're weak because we bicker. But in actuality, we're a very strong couple. Strong mentality and strong physically.'

{You can decide which reason was being used there.}

{Craig & Tana: Apprentice 3. They're friends! (That means they spent extended time together in a foxhole waiting for death to rain down on them from above. And you thought the Boardroom wasn't good for anything.) They're street-smart! (That means they know which street they live on.) These two former firing victims went to the Final Four together, where Craig was undone by his lack of ability to form a coherent sentence and Tana single-handedly cost New York City the 2012 Olympic Games, for which I and my driving time would personally like to thank her. Sixteen hours to crawl up the Upper West Side? No, thank you. We're better off. As such, it might be possible for the occasional moment of not-hate towards Team Hairnet to creep in, except for the fact that I had to summarize two episodes of the toxic waste dump that was that season, I was around for certain moments that shall live in infamy, no more than half of which involved a (censored) cucumber, and someone has to take the pain. Since I'm already in enough proto-agony just through summarizing this thing, I'm going to pass some of it on. Remember, these are people who are used to either riding coattails, blaming everyone around them in an attempt to deflect attention from themselves, or laying claim to the greatest act of creativity in the history of the universe because -- wait for it -- the brochure was round. Oooh, round. Round like Tana's wide, surprised eyes when she didn't get hired. Round like Craig's sentence structure diagrams. Round like the top of a heart, not a star! Somewhere on the West Coast, Donald is watching this episode, and he's laughing at you, do you hear me? Laughing! But on the other hand, if they win, they get about a third of their salary under him each with only about a seventeenth of the torture time, which might prove they've learned something after all...}

{Mikethemiz & Trishelle: Tough Enough RW/RR Challenge Celebrity Poker Showdown The Surreal Life Kill Reality Battle Of The Network Reality Stars Every (Censored) Reality Series Ever Filmed The Real World. Let's let them explain things in confessional-tell, shall we?}

Trishelle: 'I'm here to test my limits.'
Mikethemiz: 'I'm here because I want the money.'
Trishelle: 'You're here because if you don't appear on television for two days, you start to wither and die.'
Mikethemiz: 'Well, so do you.'
Trishelle: 'You gave me that disease!'
Mikethemiz: 'Oh, please. You're Patient Zero. Do you have any idea how many people you've infected over the years?'
Trishelle: 'I only keep count of the number I stalk. Which is 'one'.'
Mikethemiz: 'You can count to one?'
Trishelle: 'I'm never sleeping with you again!'
Mikethemiz: 'Too bad. I had a VH1 show all lined up for us if you did.'
Trishelle: 'Take me now.'

{Or, in the short version: they appeared on an MTV reality show, and now their entire existence centers around appearing on other reality shows. Forever. They have mastered the art of series-jumping like no one else in the genre's history, and as such, Team Patron Saints know what it takes to stick around. And around, and around, and around... These are very probably our ultimate winners, especially since Mikethemiz is built like the side of a barn (although as long-time viewers know, strength and mass can work against you here) and Trishelle is -- is -- going to wear a bikini. Again. But they can't stay here too long, because they have to start filming I Married A World-Class DAW next month. We really need to name a posting level after these two. We'll make it a special honor after they're dead. (They can die, right...?)}

{Anthony & Carmen: American Idol. As such, I don't really know who they are. And I don't care, either. I don't watch AI: it's one of my more redeeming qualities, along with my love of wrecking the egos of randomly-chosen victims as I pass them on the street. All I know is that they didn't win, or they wouldn't be here. I also know that Carmen is somewhat conventionally attractive in the small blonde sort of way, and Anthony is just about the same, except that he's male and apparently won't need to shave for another six years. So to me, this is Team Blonde and nothing more -- but they're also a reminder of what Nikki proved last year and what both admit to during c-t for this round: when you've had your heart torn out and tossed into lava by Simon Cowell, being on Fear Factor feels like a cool breeze on a hot day. They cannot be stressed. They cannot be bothered. They can probably find about sixteen excuses each to sing during the show, but half of those will come out as screams and just about all of them will be edited out. This team may lie in the weeds and challenge for first place when no one ever saw them coming. But you'll hear them. Oh, will you ever hear them. No one else in America will hear them, much less vote for them, but you? You're doomed. Of course, you knew that going in, which makes you the most self-aware person here. Maybe you should try out for a reality show. How about Big Brother All-Stars? I hear B.B.A.Stards is looking for a human being... somewhere...}

{And now that we know who's here, it's time for Joe to meet the contestants. A few more mood shots of flaming wrecks flash by, and then our ten victims are gathered on the two-stage presentation staircase, awaiting our host. He does not disappoint.}

Joe: 'Hello, incredibly stupid people who don't have enough self-awareness to realize that I'm insulting them and not everyone around them!'
All contestants, choral response: 'Hi, Joe! We love you too, but not as much as we love ourselves! We hope you understand!'
Joe: 'Better than you'd ever imagine. Now, this is going to be a little different from what you're used to. No vote-offs. No rigged polls. No thrilling scenes of waiting around at airports. No terrifying hair, because I'm losing mine honestly, thank you. No hot tubs -- Trishelle? Are you okay?'
Trishelle: 'No hot tubs? I need those chemicals flowing through my body! Getting weak -- so weak -- please give my body to MTV -- or Flavor Flav, so he can date it... I want my nickname to be 'Slutty'...'
Joe (hastily): 'Stupid twists! We'll still have stupid twists!'
Trishelle (stronger): 'Twists?'
Joe: 'Right. Incredibly dumb twists that practically invalidate any game play that might exist. Promise.'
Trishelle: 'I think I can make it to the hotel Jacuzzi.'
Joe: 'Good, because we're only allowed to kill people during the stunts. Sheesh... for someone who's been on every reality show ever made, you'd think she'd have more endurance...'
Mikethemiz: 'That reminds me: I have to try out for that. I think I can pass for twelve if I ramp my maturity level up a little.'
Anthony: 'I'll see you there, old man.'
Joe: 'Focus, people. Now -- you ten have been gathered from all over the reality television landscape for one reason: to suffer in all the many ways you so richly deserve. However, we've got rules around here, so -- want to know what you're playing for?'
Jon & Twila: 'Yes!' {The other contestants stare at each other in confusion.}
Joe: 'Want to see what's in your next clue?'
Jonathan & Victoria: 'Absolutely!' {Once again, the other contestants stare at each other in confusion. Of course, that's the default expression anyway.}
Joe: 'Ready to suck up to your voter base?'
Anthony & Carmen: 'Bring it on!' {Ibid.}
Joe: 'Man, I could do this all day... you will be suffering in the name of winning $150,000 in pre-tax money, a chance at secondary prizes along the way, and the most precious thing of all: a little more camera time during what I know you're all experienced enough to pretend is three weeks.'
Jon: 'Camera time... my precious, precious camera time...'
Joe: 'I'm still holding the other end of this elven rope, freakazoid.'
Jon: 'Gollum! Gollum!'
Joe: 'Oh God, he's drooling again... here's your first stunt. As you may have noticed, with the exception of Craig & Tana because awareness of what's going on around them isn't their strong suit, we're at a racetrack, and there are cars in front of you. You'll be loaded into the cars as teams: the males will do the driving, but the women will do all the gear shifting. You'll have to race once around the track, then get onto the infield, where you'll see a flag in the center and several dead silver cars arrayed around the area in a rough maze formation. The first one to run over the flag gets a bonus prize of five thousand dollars.'
Mikethemiz: 'That's it?'
Joe: 'Not quite. You see, after that quick race, we want you to play a little game that we like to call -- Demolition Derby. You will smash into each other with your cars. You will ram. Sideswipe. Move in for the kill. You may even manage to severely mutilate or mildly murder each other, because even though we're using stunt cars and you'll all be in safety gear, there's always room for hope. You will be shaken up, pounded on, hammered -- Trishelle, stop drooling -- and beaten into the dust. The last team with a working car will win a trip to Kenya, where you will be provided with a native guide for your eight-day stay because we realize Jonathan could take this prize and then he'd try to smuggle someone through airport security in his backpack again. And because we need to torture all of you for one full show, this will be a non-elimination stunt. Any questions?'

{There are no questions. There is only cheering, from the contestants, from the production staff, and, in what's got to be a reality TV first -- from me. DAWs attempting to kill each other using two tons of metal fury moving at thirty miles an hour, after having signed contract clauses which say they can't sue, can't complain, but can suffer?}

{I love this show.}

{Of course, we've got to get through the pre-stunt interviews first. They begin with Mikethemiz and Trishelle, in the silver car.}

Joe: 'You hit that?'
Mikethemiz: 'I hit that.'
Trishelle: 'It's not exactly a monumental achievement.'
Joe: 'Are you still hitting that?'
Mikethemiz: 'We're just friends, bonded together through our massive need for public attention and total commitment to appearing on every piece of film ever used. We just had what we call a locationship.'
Trishelle: 'A showmance.'
Joe: 'I have no idea what that means.'
Trishelle: 'I don't get it. Didn't you use to date Jerri?'
Joe: 'Fear is not a factor for me. So Mikethemiz, I hear you're in the WWE now?'
Mikethemiz: 'Just signed the contract. They thought it was a natural fit. After years of practice at faking emotion during contrived situations that led to rigged fights? Dude, I was the biggest natural they'd ever seen.'
Trishelle: 'Plus he's going to take over from Hogan in two years.'
Mikethemiz: 'Shhhh! They haven't started filming the promos yet!'

{Followed by Jon & Twila, driving blue.}

Joe: 'Twila, how do you feel about being teamed up with this wild man?'
Twila (exact quote, stepping back and putting up her hands in protest/denial): 'I didn't pick him.'
Joe: 'Well, we wanted to stick you with Dicque, but -- you know...'
Jon: 'I want to see Susan get stuck with Dicque again!'
Joe: 'Not on my show, you don't. Twila, doesn't Jon have anything that can help you here?'
Twila: 'He's -- wiry...'
Joe: 'He is a collection of toast racks in the shape of something that isn't quite a man.'
Twila (shared c-t with Jon): 'Jon has strength! Look at those jaw muscles! The steel in his vocal cords! That titanium tongue! Jon, flex your biceps for me -- damn. Look at this.' *squeezes Jon's biceps* 'Man, I've got more muscle than you and I don't even work out. What's up with that?'
Jon (c-t): 'Doctor Cox calls me Betsy because he loves me.'

{And then Jonathan & Victoria, in seeing-red.}

Victoria: 'We're taking out the Idols first.'
Joe: 'Any reason?'
Jonathan: 'They seem nice.'
Victoria: 'Really decent kids.'
Jonathan: 'We can't stand nice people.'
Victoria: 'We like to do things to them in the privacy of our own homes.'
Joe: 'Do we have to go there?'
Jonathan: 'No, we don't, because I didn't invite you.'
Joe: 'Victoria, don't you consider yourself to be nice?'
Victoria: 'Jonathan, am I nice?'
Jonathan: 'Ask my lawyer.'
Joe: 'Victoria, I do have a question for you that I've been wanting to ask for a long time. In my profession, I meet a lot of former Playboy models, and -- well, you can always tell. It's not their faces or figures. Soma barely plays a part. It's confidence. There's an aura of self-worth with the good ones, a feeling of value and trust in their own capabilities that radiates five feet from their skin. Even the ones with lower self-esteem can at least manage to radiate a small field from confidence in their looks. You're the only ex-Playmate who gives off absolutely no sign of having been one. No confidence. No self-esteem. Nothing. Why is that?'
Victoria: 'Jonathan, why is that?'
Jonathan: 'Because I love you just the way you are.'
Victoria: 'Oh.'

{Joe and Jonathan shake hands. The camera cuts to another shot of a flaming car for no apparent reason, and we then move to Craig & Tana, running green.}

Joe: 'Craig, what do you think of this?'
Tana: 'Oh God...'
Craig: 'It's the car. The car and the driving around and around on the track with the other cars and the ramming and the hitting and the hurting and the months of intensive care and the Kendra, I hate the Kendra, I saw the Kendra once and it scarred me for life, especially during the work divorce where she took my Inbox and put it in my Outbox, if you know what I mean and I think you do because --'
Joe & Tana, desperate chorus: 'Craig!'
Craig: 'Pudding!' *shuts up*
Joe: 'How are you two friends?'
Tana: 'You know what that car needs? Bedazzler beads. A few fake rhinestones would really add some resale value.'
Joe: 'I'm leaving now.'
Tana: 'And the gearshift should be round.'

{And lastly, Anthony & Carmen, in look-at-me yellow.}

Joe: 'Pretend to refresh my memory, since I don't watch your rigged farce of a show either. Which seasons were you on?'
Anthony: 'The one Carrie won.'
Carmen: 'The one Reuben won.'
Joe: 'Do you think you're better than them?'
Carmen & Anthony: *hold up six hundred pages worth of FOX silence enforcement contracts*
Joe: 'Got it. So seeing as how losing on American Idol means you've never won anything in your lives because a FOX consolation prize is a quick death, maybe you can finally experience the thrill of winning on this show.'
Anthony (exact quote): 'We did not lose on American Idol.'
Joe (exact quote): 'If you did not win, you must have lost, blonde boy.'
Anthony: 'The public lost.'
Carmen: 'Because they couldn't listen to us.'
Anthony: 'Every five minutes.'
Carmen: 'On every radio station.'
Anthony: 'Forever.'
Joe: 'So which of you is more insane?'
Carmen: 'He is. And he bleaches his hair.'
Anthony: 'She is. And she sprays helium on her vocal cords.'
Joe: 'Would you mind if we designed an endurance stunt based around having to talk to you two for thirty seconds?'
Carmen & Anthony, choral response: 'Go ahead! More exposure for us!'
Joe: 'Running for my life now.'
Anthony (c-t): 'I look sweet. I look innocent. I am a New York City driver. I do this every single day. Finally, a competition where my skills can actually count!'

{And some commentary from the loaded cars.}

Jonathan (exact quote): 'They think we're all just a bickering bunch of whackos.'
Victoria (exact quote): 'But we're not!'
Jonathan: 'Because I'm Yakko!'
Victoria: 'And I'm Dot!'

Mikethemiz: 'Red, yellow, green, and blue -- I can sing a rainbow, rainbow too.'
Trishelle: 'We're going to win the prize!'
Mikethemiz: 'And go to Kenya!'
Trishelle: 'I thought we were going to Africa.'
Mikethemiz: 'Kenya -- is -- in -- Africa.'
Trishelle: 'Really?'
Mikethemiz: 'You're not my Race partner any more.'
Trishelle: 'But I wanted to sleep with Phil!'
Mikethemiz: 'Take a number and get in line behind Mirna.'
Trishelle: 'I'm more worried about Eric.'

Tana (exact quote): 'I'm the Project Manager and he's gonna do what I say!'
Craig: 'Is that how it's supposed to work?'
Tana: 'Sweater vest!'
Craig: 'Where? Where?'

Carmen: 'We're going to win!'
Anthony: 'We're going to -- wait. What was that word?'
Carmen: 'Win.'
Anthony: 'Oh.' *pause* 'What does it mean?'

Jon (exact quote) 'We're the best-looking team...'
Twila: *chokes*
Jon: 'We have the largest testicles...'
Twila: 'I told you to stop using 'we' when you're talking about me.'

{Night falls. The cars are finally lined up at the starting line. Joe runs down the vehicles and their occupants -- not literally: stop getting your hopes up that high -- while we get a good look at the stunt cars and safety gear: everyone's in full head-and-neck protection to prevent whiplash, and the cars have middle dividers and cushioned interiors to protect the occupants. (This stunt was clearly intended for another show.) Joe brings a green flag down -- and they're off! Jonathan & Victoria are out to an early lead, chasing down the $5000 with Jon & Twila in hot pursuit. It's not the easiest drive: it rained earlier in the day, and the track is slick. Some of the trailing cars are already threatening to spin out, and Victoria's taking the drive about as well as can be expected. In fact, the couple has effectively resurrected their whole Race philosophy.}

Victoria (screeching, exact quote): 'Slow down! Slow down, please!'
Jonathan (exact quote): 'Shut up!'

{Craig & Tana take over second place, splashing the Survivors' windshield in the process: this part of the track has more than a light coating of water, and the weaker drivers are slowing down to avoid trouble. The Idols and Real Worlders are hanging at the back, letting the others settle the dash for the 5k between them and keeping their cars intact for a little while longer in the process. (It's hard to gauge speeds here, but I doubt the cars are going much over seventy -- and fifty might be more likely.) This order stays intact all the way into the infield, with the Racers taking the most direct path to the flag. Craig, realizing the best route is occupied, pulls out a Donald tactic: when you can't go around, go through. He rams through the silver wall-cars, knocking two of them aside and creating his own route to the flag. This lets the Apprentices gain a precious second even as their car takes early damage it may not be able to afford -- but too little, too late: Jonathan & Victoria knock over the flag and clear the area a split-second before the green car would have plowed into them. The miss is excruciatingly close: one extra MPH from either vehicle and we would have been picking bits of DAW off the track for months. As-is, all it means is that Jonathan & Victoria can afford another month's worth of throat lozenges -- and the demolition derby is on.}

{Mikethemiz aims for a mild sideswipe as he passes the Idols going in, just a little reminder that he came to play -- and then rams into the Survivors, hitting Jon's side dead on. Love flows from the universe and floods Mikethemiz's body as Jon's skinny form bounces off the blue car's interior a couple of hundred times. Naturally, Mikethemiz is ready for more.}

Mikethemiz (exact quote): 'Back me up! Back me up!'
Trishelle: 'Oh, so now you think I'm good enough to back you up, Mr. I'm Racing With Coral?'
Mikethemiz (exact quote): 'Front! Front!'
Trishelle: 'Front, back -- we're not in bed and you still can't make up your mind!'

Carmen: 'We've got a clear shot if you just go backwards!'
Anthony: 'You're the one who's supposed to be shifting gears!'
Carmen: 'You're the one who can sing soprano without a strategically-placed kick!'
Anthony: 'Hey!'

{After a few more seconds of gender confusion, the Idols get their car into reverse and land a semi-solid hit on the Survivors, who have been the main target to date. Everyone's automatically homing in on Jon -- wouldn't you? -- and the Idols have to get their yellow rears out of the area in a hurry, because here come the Racers, and when Jonathan has a legitimate target within the rules of the game, he's unstoppable. The hardest blow of the competition hits the back of the blue car on Twila's side, and the Survivors are getting nothing but rocked. Jon's ability to make a physical difference has not been aided by two tons of metal, and all Twila can do about it is sit there and take it. All we can do about it is sit back and try to get some oxygen in between the gasps of laughter. Jon is being battered, bruised, and possibly bloodied with no recourse to anything which can make it stop, we've been waiting for this moment for years, and it's finally here...}

{Of course, hard hits have their price for both cars, and the Racers are now missing most of their front bumper and all of their self-control. Jonathan and Victoria just dropped into their natural mode, because Jonathan is trying to shift the gears himself. Victoria, spotting a rules violation in progress, refuses to let him do so. Jonathan screams at Victoria. Victoria threatens to quit on the spot. All the yelling lets Craig & Tana slip by the Racers without taking damage, because the red car is going nowhere until the control freak issues get resolved. Eventually, the Racers decide to table the discussion for later, and get back into the stunt. However, the delay has let the Survivors finally get moving, and they manage to land their first blow on Mikethemiz & Trishelle. Mikethemiz's door caves in, and the silver car bounces a foot to the right -- but if you've just landed a punch, you're standing still while you line up your next shot, and that gives the Idols a clear path to the Survivors' rear driver's wheel well, which they hit and grind into for several seconds before departing, getting out of the area before the Apprentices can do the same thing to them. Joe decides the Apprentices aren't taking enough damage and yells out the Boardroom strategy: Craig & Tana are hanging back, taking only a few selected shots while waiting for the other cars to finish each other off. Tana confirms this a second later.}

Tana (exact quote): 'Let them hang themselves! Let them hang themselves!' (And you thought Donald's tactics had no application to anything important.)

{Real Worlders generally like to hang other people first and no one likes to give off the illusion of knowing the hanging process well like Mikethemiz -- or was that the other way around? -- so they take the cue, and the Apprentices get clobbered. Meanwhile, Jonathan & Victoria are trying to keep a reality promise for a record-breaking first time: they've found an angle on the Idols, and dial in their votes at about thirty miles an hour. And we're not done with Craig & Tana yet, because who have we forgotten about? That's right: ignore Jon and he will make you pay. Temporary teamwork is the specialty of the Survivor house, and it lets Jon & Twila line up the hit of the night, getting their front end under the green car's rear, lifting it up and carrying it twenty feet until the Apprentice vehicle gets stopped by a car-barricade. And before they can free themselves, the Survivors hit them again. By the time Craig finds an escape angle, Jon's escaped punishment, the only available target is the Idols, and you can't be a reality contestant without the ability to take out blame on the wrong people. The camera is desperately jumping around, trying to keep up with the vehicular carnage -- but all the editing in the world can't relay the true glory of this stunt without a three-hour special, slow motion and multiple camera angles provided for your perpetual TiVo pleasure. Save until I delete? No, save through all future incarnations. (There's a command for it, but you really have to hunt in the manual.)}

Joe (exact quote): 'This might be the greatest stunt we've ever done!'

{And how.}

{Jonathan & Victoria were always good at irritating groups: they line up the first double-hit of the contest, first slamming the Apprentices -- which sends Craig & Tana into the Idol's car -- and following that up with a direct hit on the Idols themselves. However, all this pounding is taking its toll on the red car, which now has no visible front bumper and a partially-popped hood. The more damage a car does, the more vulnerable it becomes -- and the Racers are starting to look like a really good target. (Not that they didn't before this, but now there's an actual opportunity involved.} The Real Worlders would love to take them out, but the Racers aren't the most available victims right now: the Survivors are. Jon & Twila are sitting dead-blue in silver sights with no way out, and the crumpled front end of the attacking vehicle picks up some dark highlights and an interesting set of hair impressions. That's all the Survivors can take: their car groans, shudders, hands its torch to Jiffie, and dies. One down.}

{The Apprentices hit the Idols. The Real Worlders hit the Apprentices. Those three cars wind up locked in a temporary triangle, with no one having an angle of attack or escape. The Racers drive by looking for a good place to jump in, but have to swerve away when Anthony & Carmen work free just in time to land a glancing blow -- and give us a full view of the red car, which still has a front end after all: it's just hanging on by two inches of metal and projecting five feet to the right. Free Idols means free hits for Mikethemiz and Trishelle, who can now move again and get the yellow car twice in quick succession, making Carmen c-t praise her neck braces and us dream of what might have been without them.}

Carmen (c-t): 'It's not fair! We weren't allowed to strap Simon to our front bumper!'
Mikethemiz: 'Kill! Kill! Kill for the love of Kali!'
Tana: '...but I won last week! I'm supposed to have immunity! Stupid The Bradford!'

{The camera can't even try to follow all the destruction any more, and we go into a montage of shots where everyone hits everyone else, metal flies, screams echo, plastic cracks, and dreams come true because you believed. They're everything they are because we hated them, and this show is going on the next First Contact disc because we need to show the universe that we are civilized. When the action finally slows down for a moment, the yellow car has just had its rear end shattered, and Anthony is starting to vow some good old-fashioned NYC revenge. The silver car no longer has anything resembling a front end, or a side, or four intact tires because one is starting to come off, and the whole thing is falling apart faster than the FOX fall schedule. And the Racers are in trouble.}

Victoria: 'I can't get it in gear! It's not responding!'
Jonathan: 'Sit back! I'm going to give it my Joker grin!'
{Just be glad I didn't put a picture in here, okay?}
Victoria: 'That did it! We're moving!'
Jonathan: 'Good! But now my steering wheel has turned to stone!'

{We get a look at the Apprentice car: two flat tires coming off the rims. The Real World car: already running on one rim, as Trishelle & Mikethemiz's continued aggression takes a toll and doesn't give back change. We're coming down to the spit-and-bailing-wire, and it's just a question of who falls apart last. The Real Worlders decide to speed up the process and show the Apprentices how to make a trade: the front half of your hood for one set of screaming Racers. Jonathan rocks, Victoria shudders, the red car gets rammed ten feet into one of the silver blocking cars, and that's it for them: choke, shudder, re-choke, and die: a process both occupants are intimately familiar with. Elimination mat: two down -- but not without commentary.}

Jonathan (to Victoria, still working the stick shift, near-exact quote): 'Play with it!' *car dies* 'You really suck at this!'

{Well, you married her.}

{Anthony & Carmen's yellow car has held up the best through the pounding, and the Idols finally get the hang of the tradeoff thing: their rear window and trunk hood, lost in a full-on backwards collision, for the passenger front wheel well on the silver car. That puts in a dent in Mikethemiz's hopes, dreams, and ability to keep the thing going: the most aggressive team had already taken a ton of punishment just through dishing it out, and one more hit is all it takes. Welcome to the idea of 'elimination': three down.}

{This leaves it as Apprentices vs. Idols -- and the green car is now throwing up sparks and leaving gouges in the asphalt as it tries to drive around the infield on a pair of rims and whatever thickness of track Craig's endless verbiage can lay down. The car has gone well past the point where Donald could resell it for a million dollars, and the thing is basically holding together on prayer. Attacking is out of the question, and Craig steers into an all-out retreat, hoping the Idol car falls apart before it can deliver a hit. Apparently street smarts don't include counting -- four intact tires on the yellow -- or the ability to understand what your opponent is capable of: Anthony, New York driver supreme, goes after the Apprentices by driving towards them at full speed going backwards, steering around every obstacle with no seeming effort -- until Craig's car can't run any more. Smoke billows out from under what's left of the green hood, and the Idols have won.}

Anthony: 'I told you! I told you I was a good driver!' *voice cracks* 'Oh, no! Puberty!'
Tana: 'You drove it like you owned it, Craig. You should have driven it like a rental...' *sighs* 'Well, they earned it. They're good kids. And it's past their bedtime anyway.'

{The camera lovingly surveys the wreckage for a while -- oh, look at all that beautiful damage, especially to Jon's ego, as Trish has to lift him out through the window frame with a declaration of 'You big wimp!' -- and all the contestants gather in the middle of the infield.}

Joe: 'Trishelle, you look tired.'
Trishelle: 'It's weird. All my experience, and I've never had handling a stick take that much out of me.'
Joe: 'Well, let me revitalize you -- with a stupid twist!'
Trishelle (perks up): 'I can feel the power!'
Mikethemiz: 'Get your hands off my stick.'
Joe: 'Jonathan, Victoria, you've won five thousand dollars. That's yours to keep or inject into your face, whatever turns you on. Anthony and Carmen, for the first time in your pitiful reality lives, you have won something. We're not sure you know how to deal with the experience, so we thought we'd give you the option of avoiding it.'
Anthony: 'Hah?'
Joe: 'It's like this. You can keep the prize -- or you can take a pass on the next stunt. And since the next stunt is elimination, that's essentially offering you a free ride to the next episode. You don't have to make your decision until after we describe the stunt to you tomorrow, so if you feel you can handle it, you can do it. But if you take the pass, you have to give the trip to someone else. And if you take the trip, someone else is getting a free pass.'
Anthony (folds his arms and tries to look serious, coming across as a kid in his father's crash suit): 'I see...'
Jon: 'May I be the first in line to kiss your hairless rear?'
Anthony: 'Yes, but only because you asked so politely.'
Joe: 'Save it for the hotel, okay? Sleep on it -- I did not mean that the way it sounded -- oh, let's just get out of here and see what tomorrow has in store for you.'

{The contestants leave the track, one car catching fire when all ten get too close -- and behold, through the miracle of editing, it has become tomorrow! The contestants gather without speech, the music oddly thoughtful and pensive until they come to a stop at the banks of a somewhat swampy little lake. It seems to be fairly early in the morning, decently sunny, and deceptively peaceful. We all know what that means. Brace yourselves.}

Joe: 'Is everybody hurting?'
All contestants, choral response: 'Ow.'
Twila: 'Some bruises.'
Carmen: 'My hair was out of place for a whole hour.'
Mikethemiz: 'I have a phantom empathy pain from the stick.'
Anthony: 'My rear burns! It burns!'
Jon: 'Don't blame me! I used my best gloss!'
Joe: 'Idols, we'll talk about your stupid twist decision in a moment --'
Jon (c-t): 'And now, a moment of logic. I am a wimp. I am the weakest man here. I have a Y chromosome, but it's in lower-case. I went and told the Idols all of this last night, and pointed out that if they keep the trip and give me the pass, they force out one of the strongest males today. Craig, Jonathan, or Mikethemiz will have to go home -- and later on, all they'll have to beat is me. Don't you think it would be easy to beat me? Well, for only ten thousand dollars an hour --' {The camera cuts away while Jon is reaching back to get his phone number sign.}
Joe: '-- but first, as promised, let me tell you what the stunt is.'
Victoria: *screams*
Joe: 'I didn't tell you anything yet!'
Victoria: '...oh.'
Joe: '...right... okay, listen closely. You'll be running around the swamp, looking to retrieve three skulls. Well, mostly running. Maybe a little running. Here and there. First, your female partner will have to get the first skull from a well: she can jump in or go down a rope. Once the skull is found somewhere in our gee-I-hope-it's-water, she can get out, and you go to the second station. That's a mud pit, and about a hundred feet in from the edge, you'll find the second skull high on a stick. Now this is thigh-deep mud, so the males will have the option of trailing a rope behind them so you can pull yourself out at the end instead of doing a Judd. It'll be more tiring than it looks, and you might be better off swimming than trying to walk it. Everyone with me so far?'
Jon & Twila: 'Completely.'
All other contestants: 'Huh?'
Joe: 'Too bad, so sad... after you get out of the mud, you'll go to a boat and pole yourself across the lake to Station Three, where the Dharma Initiative will be standing by to conduct a psych test. They want to examine the fear reaction as applied to the presence of large reptiles.'
Victoria: *screams and clutches Jonathan's hand*
Joe: 'There it is! You'll have to go under the water into the mouth of a tunnel, then come up into an air pocket underground and crawl your way along for a while. The third skull is waiting by the tail of a seven-foot alligator. Retrieve it, get back in the boat, return to start, place all three skulls on stakes, then wait patiently while I tear the process server from Mark Burnett in half because he does not own the skulls-on-stakes concept no matter how much he wishes he did, and we'll stop the clock. The slowest team will be eliminated. The fastest team gets to pick the order in the next task. We're all clear on how this works?'
Jon & Twila: 'Absolutely.'
All other contestants: 'Duh?'
Joe: 'Wow, Survivor really does give you skills... Anthony and Carmen, I need a decision from you now.'
Carmen: 'We can do this?'
Anthony: 'We can totally do this. We'll take the trip to Kenya.'
Joe: 'That's more guts than anyone thought you had. Who's getting the pass?'
{All of the other teams brace themselves, with much clutching of hands.}
Anthony: 'Craig and Tana.'
Craig: 'I love you! I love you with the force of a thousand exploding anecdotes about my childhood on the streets of Philadelphia!'
Joe: 'Interesting decision, I guess. Why not try to get rid of a stronger player?'
Anthony: 'Well -- they were second. We didn't ram them out of it: their car just gave up. It's only fair to give them what we're seeing as second prize.'
Joe: 'So you're treating this show like a meritocracy? Wow. You do know this is still technically a reality show, right? Oh, well -- Craig, Tana, you get to sit back and watch this one. This means you have no chance to pick tomorrow's -- I mean next week's order, but I'm sensing you really don't mind.'
Tana: 'We love them deeply and truly until the moment we get to stab them in the back.'
Craig: 'Buck-buck -- Weird Harold!'
Joe: 'Jon, Twila, since you're the only people who truly understand this, you'll go first and demonstrate for the others. Twila, are you ready to face the alligator?'
Twila: 'Joe, is that alligator ready to face me?'
Joe: 'As part of his contact, we paid for his inevitable therapy sessions in advance. Good lord, look at you. You're a sailor. You're a soldier. You may even be a tinker and a spy. What did you have for breakfast this morning?'
Twila: 'Alligator.'
{A distant roar of pain echoes across the swamp.}
Twila: 'He was wandering around the kitchen. I didn't know he worked here. It was just a little off the tail...'
Joe: 'Oh, for -- understudy gator!'

{While the alligators are swapped, the Survivors get a quick confessional in.}

Twila (exact quote): 'I believe I might be the toughest female on this Fear Factor. I really do.'
Jon (exact quote): 'I think you might be the toughest male.'
Twila: *hurts Jon a lot*

{Back at the action, the Survivors strip out of their matching color and get down to swimsuits. (There is nothing wrong with Twila's physique: she's a strong woman and it shows. The things that are wrong with Jon's body would, if discussed in detail, overload the server, so let's just say 'stick figure' and leave it at that.) Joe counts them down -- and they're off!}

{Twila gets into the water in a hurry and finds it filled with leaves and -- other things -- sure, that's a good way to put it -- not to mention extremely cold and deeper than she'd probably thought it would be: it's up to her chin and we can't tell if she's treading. (It's not that wide -- a corrugated metal tube where she could probably just about touch both sides with palms outstretched -- but she's about ten feet below ground level.) After some fumbling around, she finds the skull and passes it up to Jon at the 1:39 mark, then starts up the rope. Jon reaches down to help haul her out when she nears the top. This is a mistake. Jon starts while Twila is still below ground level, so he's not helping her over the edge, he's effectively trying to lift her -- and Jon has the muscle tone of string cheese. Much amusement follows on the sidelines as Jon realigns his spine into something that makes it look like he has one, finally getting Twila to the surface while losing no more than ninety percent of the feeling in his arms.}

{This brings the team to the second station and an inspiring sight: Jon returning to the home of his ancestors. Reality's ultimate pig reaches the mud at 2:23, then wanders into the wallow of his fathers, slowly walking his way towards the distant skull, trailing the rope behind him, and yes, I said walking. Ever try to walk in thigh-deep mud? It takes a lot out of you, especially when you're trying to displace an entire pit with each step, and Jon has very little to give. The swimming hint Joe delivered is being ignored in favor of listening to the siren song of his genes. Jon can't do anything but wallow -- and wallowing takes time. Lots and lots of time. Twila begs Jon to do one of the things he does best and crawl, Mikethemiz laughs and laughs on the sidelines -- but still Jon wallows as we laugh with Mikethemiz, and he's hemorrhaging full minutes now. By the time he finally reaches the skull, we're at 6:00 with a completely exhausted Jon: he doesn't have the strength to go back, try to go back, or make an insulting remark about his lack of ability to go back. Twila has to physically haul him out, hand over hand on the rope with a spent Jon weakly clutching to the other end, and with any weaker female contestant, the stunt would have been over right there. But while Jon always gives out early after virtually no effort in every aspect of his life, Twila's strength is endless, and she brings him back to the edge at 8:41 as Joe delivers his ultimate compliment: 'She's an animal!' Mikethemiz is no less complimentary in c-t, but notes that if he had to have Trishelle drag him out in that situation, he'd kill himself, and we normally could but hope, but A. Mikethemiz is ten times stronger than Jon and B. the confessional was filmed after the stunt. In mainstream, all Mikethemiz does is ask Jon who wears the pants in that relationship. Hint: it's not Rupert. (And never was.)}

{Twila has to do as much poling as pulling, so the team doesn't get to the alligator tunnel until twelve minutes have passed. One waterproof flashlight retrieval later, Twila's on her way underwater and through the tunnel's air pocket. The alligator, knowing who's going to win any direct matchup, stays still against the wall as Twila crawls towards it. (As usual for a Fear Factor stunt, this is more about terror than danger: the alligator doesn't have the room to turn around and bite. He can growl, he can fuss, he can snap his jaws a few times for the camera, but he can't attack.) Twila retrieves the skull easily and gets Jon back to shore -- but the mud pit destroyed them, and the clock doesn't stop until it hits 15:22.1. None of the other men are as physically weak as Jon, so no one else is going to have that much trouble with the mud pit. Either someone falls apart somewhere else on the course -- and nothing else is as hard as the wallow -- or the Survivors are out.}

Joe: 'Jon, you are a wimp.'
Jon: 'Joe, I am a wimp.'
Joe: 'Twila, you are an animal. Want to tell the lesser predators what it's like in the tunnel?'
Twila: 'Naw. They might do something to ruin my next snack.'
Joe: 'I may sleep with you. I just have to decide if I'm strong enough... Carmen and Anthony, since you decided to go to Kenya, you will now be going into our pits of despair. Did you learn anything from watching these two?'
Anthony: 'I learned that no matter what my unnaturally hairless body might say, I'm a man.'
Carmen: 'I'm kind of scared of the alligator. Even Simon only took small bites.'
Joe (exact quote): 'Just sing to it.'
Carmen: 'That never worked with Simon either.'

{Fear of reptilian life forms aside, the Idols are stronger out of the gate and stay so throughout their run. Carmen hesitates a bit at the well -- she got ahead of Anthony and was waiting for him to watch up, plus the hopefully-water grossed her out -- and nearly leaps out of the well shortly after getting in, c-t convinced that something buzzed past her in the fluid. And even with all that, she's out with the skull and moving for Station #2 at the 1:13 mark, nicely ahead of the Survivor pace. And then they're behind again. Something happened off-camera: it took less than a minute for Twila & Jon to reach the mud, but the Idols don't get there until the fourth minute -- and even when you figure for the assistance provided by Jon's homing instincts, something happened there. But we're at the place where the Wimp Factor went to work, and Anthony has neither that nor the Selective Deafness Idiocy working against him: he drops down and swims through the mud. (Honestly, what reality contestant couldn't get the idea of swimming through mud?) There's still some comedy -- Carmen loses the rope and has to go into the pit after it -- but Anthony is out at 5:30, and the rest is a cakewalk. With Craig yelling encouragement to his 'mud muffin' and Twila temporarily (and traitorously) clapping until she realizes where she is again, the Idols get through the rest of the stunt and reach the finish line at 10:05.3, just as Joe finishes disposing of the second process server. While they arguably messed up the distribution of the free pass, their decision to keep the trip was the right one: they're advancing. Next up: Jonathan & Victoria.}

Joe: 'Any predictions?'
Jonathan: 'With memories of BOTNRS fresh in my mind, I won't predict we'll get the fastest time, just in case that jinx is following me right along with the summarizer. But we'll do it.'
Joe: 'Okay, go change and we'll see what you've got.' (exact quote) 'Don't fight out there!'

{The Racers change, with Victoria the first person to go bikini instead of the more sensible one-pieces shown by Twila and Carmen. Jonathan suggests a mutual double hand-slap of encouragement. Victoria slaps his hands -- then pulls hers back before he can return the gestures, pleading with him not to slap her too hard. (This is generally called a Pavlovian response.) Jonathan walks to the starting line, ignoring Victoria's pleas for him to find just the right intensity of slap.}

Victoria (exact quote): 'You don't have to injure me before we do this!' {Because there's going to be plenty of time for that afterwards!}

{Carmen and Anthony return to the spectator area, throats wrapped in towels to warm their vocal cords and prevent any possibility of illness damage -- DAWs first, but singers second -- and the Racers are counted down. Their run to the well lid goes smoothly and quietly, as does the arrangement of the rope and Victoria's initial descent. From that point on, they're in trouble. Victoria isn't too happy with her descent into the semi-slime (and really, you'd think she'd know it well), but she's doing it with fair speed. This isn't fast enough for Jonathan, who starts complaining about his wife wasting time at about the 0:24 mark. Victoria, for her part, starts to screech about an inability to find the skull at 0:26 -- then freaks out four seconds later, clutching at the rope and partially pulling herself out of the water, the screams starting to fly at full volume as Victoria kicks at the offending liquid.}

Joe (exact quote): 'Whoa!'
Tana (exact quote): 'I knew it!'
Jon: (exact quote, knowing an opportunity when he sees it): 'Jonathan, she's letting you down! She's letting you down, Jonathan!' {This couple will fall apart on their own given any chance to do so, but with a little encouragement...}

{It takes some time for Jonathan to talk Victoria back into a full effort, and the clock stands at 1:48 by the time she goes back in. (Said encouragement takes the form of 'You're going to make us lose!', with a repeat.) Victoria then finds the skull within three seconds, but drops it while trying to pass it up to Jonathan. The recovery only takes two extra seconds, though, and Victoria's up to the lip of the well by 2:21.}

{At this point, something odd happens. There's a quick exchange between Jonathan and Victoria that's impossible to make out. Jonathan puts his arm down, ready to pull Victoria out, and they each say something to the other. The word 'skull' may have been in there somewhere, but Jonathan's speaking softly and Victoria's gasping her words, out of breath. Whatever was said, the results are clear: Jonathan stops offering his arm, grabs the skull, and starts racing off to the second station, leaving Victoria hanging off the rim of the well.}

Joe: 'Hey! You can't just leave her there!' What are you doing?' *turns to the other contestants* (exact quote) 'He left her in the well!'
Victoria (screaming, exact quote): 'Jonathan, I can't get out!'

{Jonathan turns to check on Victoria, but her actions are already giving the lie to her words: she can get out, and is on her feet and moving by 2:42 without assistance from her husband. Jonathan's in the mud at 2:47 -- it's that close, and what happened to the Idols, anyway? -- but he doesn't wait for Victoria, and so goes in without the rope. At this point, Jon is in full voice. 'You forgot to touch the tree back there! You have to go back to the well! Jonathan, I took the batteries out of the flashlight: you'll have to put them back in! You have to go back to the well!' Any distraction is a good distraction, and this is where Jon can really shine. Trash talking is a long-standing Fear Factor tradition, fully legal within the rules, and it also happens to be what Jon does best. The Racers' focus, always fragile at best, was already falling apart from the inside -- and Jon just started using the only hammer he has the strength to swing.}

{And from here on, the quotes have to take over for a while, as exact as I can make them.}

{Maybe it's the trash talk, maybe Jonathan's weaker than he looks -- but he's not a good mud wallower, and honestly, who saw that coming? He can't manage Anthony's swimming technique, and by the time he reaches the skull at 4:40, he is wiped. Victoria throws the rope partway to him -- lack of practice and arm strength -- and he has to crawl to it, moving with excruciating lack of speed. The rope isn't too far away, though, and Victoria digs in, hauling Jonathan out in her best imitation of Twila. Jonathan provides more help than Jon did, and reaches the edge at 5:30, still well ahead of the Survivors' pace. But...}

Craig: 'Good thing you didn't leave him like he left you!'
Jon: 'Yeah, he left you, Victoria!'

{...we now have a chorus going.}

{Victoria promptly leaves Jonathan behind to flounder his way out of the pit himself, getting into the boat. Jon keeps up his end of the bargain.}

Jon: 'You can't go out that way! You have to go out the other way! You have to touch the tree!'
Victoria: 'Shut the (censored) up, idiot!'
Joe (to Jon, more than a little amused): 'I think you can break them.' {The rest of the contestants are laughing, enjoying the trash talk clinic, and Twila's becoming inspired.}
Twila (half-whispered to Jon): 'Dead weight! Dead weight!'
Jon (very proud of his partner): 'She's dead weight, Jonathan! She's dead weight!'

{Even with all the distractions, the Racers still reach the tunnel mouth with time to spare, and Victoria dives in, flashlight shining ahead. This illuminates the alligator, who tries to turn his head for a better look at the intruder, growling all the while. He can't manage it: the tunnel is too narrow, and the best he can manage is a sideways glance. But Victoria sees the movement -- and freaks out. 'Oh my God, he turned around!' Victoria can't see how narrow the tunnel really is. She doesn't realize there's no way for the alligator to get at her. She's not thinking things through -- because fear is a factor for her. All she can do is panic. And as such, in the tunnel by 7:18, frozen with terror for nearly a minute, until the alligator tries for another look -- and backing out by 8:10. Unfortunately, as RTVW member Foonermints put it, there's a snapping monster at each end...}

Victoria (splashing back to the boat): 'He turned around! He turned around!'
Jonathan: 'Victoria, you're going to lose! Go back in! (Censored)! (incomprehensible) Victoria, we're in the lead! We're going to lose! I can't believe you came back out! I can't believe you came out!'
Victoria: *hyperventilates, still panicking. She's clearly not in full control of herself, and seems to be trying to repeat her assertion about the alligator turning in the tunnel*
Jonathan: 'Victoria, you're going to lose the race for us.'
Victoria (hard to make out. Sounds like): 'No, Jonathan, please --'
Jonathan (suddenly furious): 'Victoria, we're going to (censored) lose! Hurry up!'
Jon (in his glory): 'Jonathan, she's dead weight! Geez, get a new woman!' {Tana cracks up behind him: she hasn't had this much fun since her next-to-last Boardroom. Twila just about doubles over with laughter.}
Jonathan: 'Now, (censored)!' *hits the boat* 'Get back in there!'
Jon: 'She can't do it!'
Victoria (half-screeching): 'I can't get under! I can't get under!'
Jonathan: 'I can't believe that you blew a hundred and fifty thousand dollars! You let Jonny Fairplay beat us! Are you kidding me?!?'
Victoria (whimpering, starting to cry): 'No...'
Jon: 'Is she crying?'
Joe (mixed worry and disgust): 'Yeah, she's crying.'
Jon (to Victoria): 'Why won't he help you!'
Victoria: 'This is so uncool! They're all against us!'
Jonathan: 'They're against you. They're not against me.'
Victoria (splashing at the water, to Jonathan -- the similar names can make things confusing here): 'They're all against us, Jon!'

{It goes on from there.}

{In c-t, Jon admits to his strategy. He knew Jonathan & Victoria live on the edge of the cliff: all he did was give them a little verbal push, then offered them the decision as to whether they wanted to jump. He knows how they work. Victoria stresses, Jonathan screams, Victoria stresses more, and the cycle spirals into oblivion. Half of Fear Factor is mind games, and it's the area the Racers have no defense against. At the 13:48 mark, a weeping Victoria quits.}

{Joe congratulates Jon & Twila on their advancement -- one of the few times a stunt has been won based on mental tricks, although using a verbal barrage on Jonathan & Victoria is kind of like using a match to set off a nuclear bomb. Regardless, the Survivors celebrate, Joe tells Jon he thinks the wordplay had something to do with their advancement, and the Racers return.}

Joe: 'Jonathan, Victoria, come in here...'
Jonathan: 'I am not happy. I am not happy.'
Victoria (walks right up to Jon, faces him directly): 'You are the biggest (censored) on the planet!'

{And Victoria hits Jon. Physical attack. Full-on short jab to the torso, fast and hard. Jon recoils with the punch, knocked back very slightly (and caught by Mikethemiz), visibly surprised -- but he makes no move to hit her back. He doesn't have to. He's already won. The other contestants stand in place, shocked, disbelieving -- but Jon is, if anything, triumphant. It's just that victory hurts.}

Joe: 'Hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing? What are you doing? You can't assault a contestant! What are you doing?'
Victoria (very fast and hard to make out at the start, arms folded defensively): 'Well, yeah -- but he -- you're an (censored), Jonny!'
Joe: 'It's called strategy! He's yelling at you. You can't run up to him and hit him!' {Within the rules of the show, absolutely true. Trash talk is legal. A physical assault on another contestant is not. If Jonathan & Victoria weren't already out for failing to complete the stunt, they would have been removed right here.}

{Freeze frame, just for moment. Carmen's arms are curled in against her body, hands near her chin, visibly fearful. Anthony is protectively moving in to comfort her. Mikethemiz is still supporting Jon, but his hands are patting him on the shoulders, as if in congratulations. Trishelle looks slightly dubious and more than a little upset. What's visible of Twila's expression seems to have her wondering what she's gotten herself into. Craig and Tana are off-screen.}

{In c-t, Jon talks about how he's agitated people on other shows -- and viewers -- and series producers -- and, well, just about everyone on the planet with a television set to his current station and a frozen tuner -- but he's never seen anyone as angry with him as Victoria. The Baker-Fuller team is not known for feeling things halfway.}

Joe: 'If you and your husband hit each other, that's one thing. You don't run up and hit other contestants!'
Jonathan (abruptly furious, stepping forward): 'Hey-hey-hey!'
Joe: 'Don't hey-hey-hey! No hey-hey-hey!' {Jonathan continues to approach Joe, visibly hostile. It almost seems to be happening in slow motion --}

{-- and then the camera cuts out to the confessional, showing us Mikethemiz and Trishelle. Mikethemiz thinks Jonathan was now sticking up for his wife. Switch to Craig & Tana, where Craig says Jonathan got too close to Joe --}

{-- back out to mainstream, and freeze frame.}

{Joe is holding Jonathan back through an elementary headlock, not quite complete. His arms are at half-extension, biceps braced against his sides, his hands pressed on the back of Jonathan's neck, keeping Jonathan's head down and leaving him unable to advance or aim well. Joe can't get full extension because Jonathan is clearly still pressing forward with everything he's got, his hands clawing at Joe's arms, apparently trying to damage anything he can reach. He's actually in a great position to try and deliver a stomach jab. Let the picture advance a little, and he starts to try it, although with no organization: he's now clawing at Joe's shirt. We see Mike, who just earned his name back, coming in from the left: he's here to play peacemaker and break up the fight. (As he later says in c-t, he knows Joe is stronger than Jonathan and believes that if this went to a real brawl, Jonathan would be seriously hurt.) A little further along, and Craig starts moving to back up Mike. Trishelle is becoming more upset by the fraction of a second, and her own tears are starting to flow.}

{Mike gets into position, gets Joe and Jonathan apart, stands between them, forming a very large roadblock. Joe steps back out of the frame. Jonathan is still angry, being partially held back by Mike, still yelling, but apparently not looking for much of a way around the obstacle.}

{Jump cut. Mike is speaking in overplay narration, talking about how he also had to end it because, in all humor, his team hadn't even gone yet -- plus Trishelle is crying. In the frame, he is hugging her, and she is pressed tight against his chest, tearful and scared.}

Jon (mainstream, laughing): 'This is the greatest reality show ever!' (c-t with Twila) 'I would have to say Joe Rogan is about a hundred times tougher than Jeff Probst.'

{And a furious Jonathan & Victoria stalk off down the Walk Of Shame, the name of which may never have been more deserved. Just who deserves it is the question of the day.}

Victoria (final c-t): 'This is not going to make or break us. The disappointment is in not being able to go further because I know we had it in us to go further.'
Jonathan (final c-t): 'People see it as bickering, people see it as fighting... We really do have great communication. It's just that -- we're loud.'

{And a final mood shot fading out of their angry walk: moving up into a bleak sky to look at the tops of leafless trees.}

{The total amount of screen time dedicated to showing the actual fight, most of it which took place in slow motion?}

{Seven seconds.}

{Okay. Sidebar. Let's step out of the brackets for a minute.}

Most of us knew what we were getting into with this episode. NBC pushed it back, rescheduled it multiple times, and sometimes seemed to be trying to hide it. They offered to show us the full truth. Jonathan spoke on his website and through media outlets to claim Joe swung first. Joe admitted to an incident, but said Jonathan started it. NBC claimed what they were going to televise would prove Joe was in the right and Jonathan was editing his own life.

And what did we get? Seven seconds. And the seconds we did see could mean anything to anyone. Someone is afraid to show us something, and in this sue-happy world, that's very likely the legal department, which knows that for certain parties, anyone can see anything, regardless of whether it's there or not. Even so, the original, unedited footage would tell the tale -- but that's footage we are never going to see. Every one of us will have to decide what we want to believe -- and whether we care at all. And we'll have to do so based on our feelings, because there isn't enough evidence to dignify it with the term.

There is such a thing as egregarious provocation: being pushed to the point where no one can blame you for responding. There is also such a thing as knowing you were eliminated anyway and striking out because it could do you no further harm -- then sitting back and watching the fireworks. There may even be such a thing as defending your spouse, as opposed to taking out your frustration on the nearest target.

Was Jon within his rights to trash talk on that level? Absolutely. It's part of the game. We all know how little I care for Jon as a person, but I will respect his right to operate within the rules of the competition as they're explained to him. Inside the parameters of Fear Factor, he did nothing wrong. Was Victoria pushed past her limits? You could argue that she's been operating outside them ever since she first appeared on television. I don't think we've ever seen Victoria inside her comfort zone. We've never seen her at normal -- with the cameras off. I'm not sure she's capable of it when they're filming her. Was she at the point where she had to strike out, and no one could fault her? Hard to say, because she does know how to work a camera, and we all know it. She is aware of her role as character in a story -- intermittently.

Did Joe strike first?

Did Jonathan?

Who do you believe?

I will stand on several seasons of peaceful interaction, of being the ringmaster in a very large circus -- of being, in fact, one of the best hosts reality television ever saw. I have made the personal decision to believe Joe over Jonathan: that Jonathan swung first, that Joe defended himself. Because Joe's past reputation is solid, and Jonathan's is not. The benefit of the doubt is easier to grant to the host than it is to the contestant.

That's my call. Yours may be different. So it goes, and I'm sure we could argue it for a long time if we wanted to.

But if you ever get the original, unedited footage in your hands -- show it to me? Because I'd really like to know for sure, just to truly settle the issue.

End sidebar.

{Resume summary and paraphrasing.}

Joe: 'Okay, I think we can safely say that Jonathan & Victoria may be just a little bit blog-level irritated in the morning... Mike, Trishelle, here's your assignment: don't die. Just go through the motions of the stunt, get back here with all three skulls plus four working lungs, and we'll call it a day. Deal?'
Mike & Trishelle, chorus: 'Deal.'

{The Real Worlders strip down to their swimsuits -- briefs and bikini, with Mike taking the opportunity to show off for the camera as much as possible -- then get out to the course. It's quickly obvious that this is a team used to working together: the yells are of encouragement, and their movements are well-coordinated. Trishelle finds the first skull with her feet, passes it up to her hands -- talented woman -- then gets pulled out of the well at the 0:29 mark. Again, something happens offscreen to serve as a time-interrupt, because Mike doesn't hit the mud until 2:44 -- but it doesn't matter, because he's the most powerful swimmer in the group, pushing through the mud like an Olympian until he reaches the second skull at 2:53. His exit is slower (which gives Twila time to point out Jon's physical and tactical flaws again), but it still doesn't matter. Trishelle is in the tunnel at 6:50, and although the alligator half-turns to get a sideways look at her too, she's dealt with worse in the casting department every month of her life for the past few years. It's not as if she has to sleep with the alligator, and with Mike shouting encouragement all the way, she recovers the skull, he helps her up and into the boat, the other contestants cheer them all the way in, and they place the skulls to stop the clock at 8:14.1: the fastest time in the group. They'll pick the order on the next stunt.}

Joe: 'Way to go, Mike & Trishelle! Nice work! -- okay, you two, stop hugging each other. You're already muddy, so it's not like we need much of an excuse to turn a hose on you. Sheesh. Get an MTV house, willya? So four teams move on, one team takes itself out with just a bit of an assist, and we're done here for the day. What say we get out of here and see what tomorrow has in store for you?'
All contestants, choral response: 'Don't you mean 'next week'?'
Joe (sighs): 'Veterans...'

{And the contestants walk off past the displayed skulls, which are labeled 'Hottie', 'Pumkin', and 'New York'. Wonder why?}

{Next week on Fear Factor: more stunts, more prizes, Tana locked in an underwater box -- manage your way out of that -- and waterskis are involved somewhere. And maybe -- just maybe -- we'll get back to normal.}

{Y'know, when I first heard they were doing this again -- I thought it would be fun...}

{*sigh* See you next week. Peace, over and out.}