LAST EDITED ON 12-14-02 AT 06:19 PM (EST)

"I Hope I Never Have to Hear Her Whiiiine Again!"

Previously it was 6000 miles to Singapore, but previously before that it was more than 7000 miles. What is up with Shtickling Phil?
4 (or is it 3) teams remain - who will be eliminated tonight?

Phil gves us the superlative shtickle on Singapore. It is the largest port city in Asia. Teams have No Idea what's In Store. Shred those Clue Envelopes. Solve those Clues. Rise from the Bottom. Fall from the Top. Get Jiggy in the Middle.

Having arrived at 10.22 a.m., by now it should come as no surprise that 10 22 pm is the magic moment unleashing the multitudes. Our delightful Twinkies shred and share. We're off to Ho Chi Minh City! Ho Chi Minh City in 'Nam. Ho Chi, Ho Chi, Ho Chi Ho Chi Ho Chi Minh City in 'Nam.

Phil shtickles. It's always "more than" and today it's more than 700 miles. Oh guess what? For this segment only, the TAR flags will be yellow because Vietnam's colours are red & yellow. This ought to be fun - I wonder if anyone will mistakenly follow a red and yellow flag.

A Twinkie twinkles that "Physically we're in great shape." However, I note that mentally they could do with a tweak. Actually Drew could do with a major overhaul, given his interest in Flo.

At 10.33 on this very lovely evening OhBothersomeFun tell us they're here to win. That's actually more of a rarity in this season's batch of teams than you might think. MMMKathy were here to find out if they were compatible (they were) and Andrew and Dennis were here to improve father/son relations (they did.) Heather & Eve didn't have anything to do for Spring Break, so like, why not, ya know? (thank goodness they're long gone!)

Outside, a cab is waiting and at first I didn't even realize it was our Twinkies trying to get in. The driver inquires, "Mr. Ken?" OhBothersomeFun ordered a cab and it's here early!

I could give the Twinkies the benefit of the doubt and say they are naturally honest, but the truth is probably they're "naturally slow-witted." I have a feeling they will suffer more from the dissolution of the SuperArnold/Danny Devito alliance than Ken & Gerard. Whatever the cause, the words "Yes, I'm Mr. Ken" didn't spring effortlessly to either of their lips.

At some point after KG and before TIT (i.e. between 10.33 and 10.45), FloZzz depart. I could rewind and rewatch my tape, but honestly: how much will your day be ruined if you don't know the exact moment Flo commenced this week's Whine-A-Thon? I mean, it's not like it matters - the teams start out bunched up and things only get shmooshier.

Here's my favorite Zach moment of the entire show thus far. He is looking forward to never having Flo yell at him again because he hates the way it feels.

LOL - how very droll of him. What a clever deadpan way to say "I Hate You."

I am sure Zach means he plans to never clap eyes or ears on her again. After all, aren't we 100 and a million percent sure that FloWhine will never ever change? Her yelling screaming screeching whining bitching and moaning might be genetic or might be environmental in origin, but we all agree it's incredibly annoying, sickening and we've had more than enough of it.

I bet the FloWhine/Drew relationship lasted at most as long as it took for TAR to air the first gigantic helping of FloWhining, which if memory serves, was about half-way thru ep 2. That is, if Drew even made it to the morning after the night the Race ended.

The Twidiots find someone who lends them a cell phone to call for a cab.

Meanwhile, in their pre-ordered cab a smug Ger uses the driver's phone to contact the airport and set up reservations on the first flight to Kuala Lumpur, which is apparently the only way to get to Ho Chi Minh City out of Singapore. That's good race work, I must say. While others are phoning for a cab, this team is already onto the next step.

10.45 TIT tell us teams need to find Back Hoe in Ho Chi Minh square. Yay a farming term! There must be something wrong with my notes! Back Hoe? Ian was in Vietnam 30 years ago and has mixed emotions about returning. I wonder who Ian identifies with in Apocalypse Now! I was watching this morning to fine tune my ep 10 recap before posting it 5 minutes before tonight's show, and I have mixed emotions about CretIan and his nasty wife Lieutenant Cretinette making it this far.

A lot of jumping around in the next segment, as TAR editors leap at whiplash speed from team to team in a noble but misguided attempt to keep us apprised of minute by minute developments in each team's progress. I will try not to do the same.

Derek reveals that his strategy is to keep Drew focused on the race. I'm thinking it must be difficult as the end draws near and Drew's hormones involuntarily kick in at the thought of post-race celebrations with Flo. Talk about counting clucking chickens before there has been one egg laid.

Cretins get a cab quickly. Lucky them. I guess FloWhine and Zach did too, because in further news, Zach and Lieutenant Cretinette are on their cabbies' phones calling the airport and making reservations to get to Ho Chi Minh City via Kuala Lumpur.

Oh Bother are at the airport and it's 1101. Their flight via Malaysia Airlines to Kaula Lumpur departs at 11.10.

We next endure a segment in which the time is constantly flashed in an effort to generate suspense. Let's face it, this is as suspenseful action packed drama, thrills & spills as it's gonna get when all that's happening is teams are booking flights and boarding planes.

11.03 Twinkies arrive AT the airport.
11.05 Twinkies are IN the airport.
11.06 Oh Bother tell each other it's 11.06
11.07 Oh Bother try to figure out which way to run.
11.08 Oh Bother identify which way to run and run.
11.09 The plane's engines are shown roaring to life (although that probably happened at 10.52 but it wouldn't have been nearly as thrilling to show the plane's engines roaring into life while Teams were enroute to the airport.)
11.09 1/2 Oh Bother run down that corridor leading to the plane.
11.10 the flight takes off.
11.10 1/2 Oh Bother are on the plane, high fiving and smug.
11.11 The screen fills with Twinkies' disappointed faces. They didn't make it onto that flight. Ohhhhh.

Back to the Back Two. While Zach is making reservations, FloWhine figures out a new way to irritate everyone. She gets him to book seats for her boyfriend-to-be and his bro. Her sensitivity overwhelms me. The Twinkies go to purchase tickets and are amazed to learn they already have tickets. They twinkle with glee and as sure as I am that their cockles were warmed, I'm equally sure Zach and the viewing public hate her more than ever. Never say never, I've learned. No matter how much you hate them, people like FloWhine will always find a new way to piss you off like you've never been pissed off before.

Cretins have their booking and take advantage of the gratuitous good fortune of a freebie opportunity to snot about other teams. This time their disdain is for FloZzz "taking care of" the Twinkies. Lieutenant Cretinette hopes the alliance doesn't last or blows up or some other equally uncharitable thought. Cretin fans dismiss it as "editing" but actually TAR is trying really hard to make Ian&Teri more likeable but it has to be hard when they refuse to help out by actually BEING likeable.

Kenny G get to Kuala Lumpur and learn that it didn't make a damn bit of difference. There is only one flight going to Ho Chi Minh City and it won't be leaving til tomorrow. Twinkies & FloWhine & Zach on a 6 am flight and even Cretins on a 6:50 will arrive in plenty of time to be on the same flight to Ho Chi Minh City as Ken&Ger.

Poor OhBother. All that bother for nothing. They busted humps to be on that 11.10 p.m. flight and they end up no further ahead. It does seem a shame but them's the breaks, kids. Twinkies do a Mr. Burns impression "exxxxcelent!" Cretins are glad to not be behind. But they are still asses.

When everyone arrives at Ho Chi Minh City they have to go through customs. Twinkies are the first through and KG & Cretins get through without mishap. Only FloWhine makes a federal case out of Zach's refusal to jump a queue.

In the IanTeri cab, Ian talks about how the City looks the same as it did when he was here 30 some years ago. As the camera pans around I reckon it does indeed look just like it does in all the Vietnam War movies I've watched. {sigh} It kinda makes me sad that there has been no progress, but then on the other hand, maybe that's a good thing. It's at least as peaceful as it was before the War.

The Twins are at the Rex Square. KennyG get to reveal the clue, which is to travel into the Mekong Delta. Ken promises "45" if the cabbie goes fast. TIT (TheIanTeri) collect their Mekong clue 3rd and FloWhine&Zach do so 4th. FloWhine gets another whine in every time she's onscreen. It's so stomach turning that I shall refrain from reporting every detail.

The Twins' cabdriver is either unskilled at driving a stick or there is something wrong with the car. It makes a sickening noise every time he changes gears. It must have been Derek who snotted that the car wasn't going over 2000 rpms, which I gather is bad. They're not happy and their cabby won't be getting "45" for his job not done well.

TIT wouldn't be them without asshole remarks from the Cretin himself. Ian says there are probably still some land mines out there. He goes on to make a lot of poorly thought out and totally lame remarks about the war. I have promised my readers that I will NOT rant about CretIan's comments. Suffice to say that I disagree with his view that Vietnam needed "saving."

Captain CretIan & Lieutenant Cretinette pass the Twins who left the airport first. Then the Twins egg their driver on, and they pass them back. "Racing thru Vietnam" someone says.

Zach is trying to enjoy the race. We viewers generally sympathise with him. Here is he, stuck with the whiniest contestant this Race has ever seen, and given Wil's performance last year, that IS saying something. Haha now there is a Perfect Couple - FloWhine & Wil! Zach says if he loses his cool, their team is sunk.

FloWhine beseeches, belittles and badgers. She is very upset, unhappy that Zach refused to jump the queue at the customs line-up. She is crying and it almost sounds genuine, except for the fact it has just too much whine to it. And come on, how serious is this latest Zach infraction? But she is tired of having to over-ride his decisions. Then why won't she try shutting up for an hour or ten?

He says, "let's just quit." She doesn't want to quit - what she wants is for him to abjectly apologise. Don't do it Zach!! I can't believe I used to think Zach was the worthless prick, back in the very early days of this Race. Things have turned around 180 degrees for this viewer.

At the Mekong, it's a Detour. Pros & Cons with Your Host, Shtickling Phil. This week's choices are named "Easy Buy" or "Hard Sell" - all very gimmicky with that marketing department just-coined ring and shiny patina.

In Easy Buy, get a sampan, enter the floating market and find the one right stall with "Nook Nook" to buy one water coconut. Bring it back and get clue. Nook Nook is either the Vietnamese for water coconut or the Vietnamese for the name of the person.

Hard Sell is all about selling as much fruit at flumpence a piece in order to earn 40000 flumpence, the equivalent of about 2 1/2 dollars.

OhBother love going to the trouble of trying some from column A and some from column B. They start out with Easy Buy.

It's pouring with rain and Cretins and Twinkies are here. They go for Easy Buy. OhBother love the excitement of trying out a new task, but aren't keen on sticking with it if the clue isn't in their hands in five minutes. They figure it's going to be greener grass with Hard Sell. I'm amazed at how often they have done this and gotten away with it every time. I wonder if it will prove their undoing. It's also possible they are just trying to get every ounce of enjoyment and "adventure" out of this puppy cuz maybe all they are gonna have will be their memories.

But here's another good bit of gamesmanship: KG don't tell the Cretins or the Twinkies that they are leaving to attempt the other task. They leave them with the impression that they've successfully completed this task and are ready to move on.

FloWhine is still screechwhining. It really detracts from the race. It is so annoying I can't bring myself to write down what she says. It's all variations on the same Zach You Suck theme. What the hell is the matter with her? Can she not let ANYTHING go? How can it possibly help to keep going on and on and on about the stupid customs line? It now irks me as much as it irks many of you that she spends the entire race giving Zach sh!t and then when they aren't eliminated she is all over him like a rash, gushing with love. You know what, Flo? Shut Up. Shut Up NOW!

What IS funny about all this is she acts as if she thinks that because the Twins aren't physically present during her tantrums, somehow they will never learn about them. She has forgotten that this is being filmed for tv and the nasty underbelly that is Flo's Whining will be aired for all to see. No-one to blame but your mom & dad, FloWhine.

If she reckons that Drew will want to take over from Zach at being her boyfriend, I'm sure she has another think coming. For FloWhine, I imagine it's all just food for whine.

FloWhine is selling fruit. People buy so that she and her whiny voice will move away out of earshot. There go a couple of pieces for 2000 flumpence and another few for 4000.

Meanwhile, Ian is calling out "nook nook". After a few attempts, the Cretins have the clue that tells them to return to Ho Chi Minh City. Our new Leeches, the Twinkies, are also in possession of the clue, having followed the Cretins.

The Fruit Sellers learn that if they run out of fruit before earning 40000 flumpence, they have to go back to get more fruit. Once again the screen keeps us apprised of the steady progress of our two teams. KG are at 30000 and then suddenly at 40000. At 39500, FloWhine says they're done. Once again, another poor FloWhine performance. Her job was to keep track of the money earned, and she failed. The lady tells them they have to sell more.

FloWhine says she is exhausted, wet, cold & miserable, but I know that she is really just glad to have another reason to whine. It's also a chance to blame Zach for the customs line kaffuffle as being the cause of their current situation. Grr. FloWhine is just as annoying as my roommate at work. And let me tell you that is saying a hell of a lot.

Cretins are back in the City and they find the Roadblock. Phil makes a quick shtickle. It's a Roadblock with a twist. One teammate has to cart the other teammate in a Cyclo around the marked course, get onto the ferry boat, leave the Cyclo in the designated spot and run over to the pit stop at a traditional Vietnamese guesthouse. I suppose I should double check this information. There's a mat, there's Phil and a woman dressed in fancy Vietnamese silks. It's a pit stop. Next ep we'll find out exactly what this building is. Whatever it is, It's got to be an improvement over that meadow next to Sleeping Beauty's castle.

Meanwhile, OhBother are stuck in traffic. They've barely moved from where they were five minutes ago.

On the ferry, CretIan is pompously announcing how much he likes Vietnam, the culture & people.

Twinkies miss spotting the clue box and de-cab way past the route marker. All of a sudden it's as if the clock struck midnight and the Twinkies have transformed back into the Twidiots.

Cretins are heading to the pit stop.

Oh Bother are in a terrible spot of bother. They also cannot find the clue box.

Although they finished the Detour last, FloWhine and Zach locate the clue box, get in their Cyclo and bound forward into Currently In 2nd Place.

More screen shots of hapless Twidiots and OhBother walking, walking, walking. And not finding the clue box.
They are both completely lost. To make matters worse they see the Yellow Race flags and are following them.

Cap'n CretIan & Lieut. Cretinette are Team #1. They're esctatic. Phil swallows, trying to look pleased and succeeding only in looking like he's losing the battle to keep his lunch down. He manages to squeak out that the Cretins will get to enjoy a 7 night cruise vacation in {gulp} Europe on Royal Carribbean's Splendour of the Seas, {gulp} after the Race.

FloWhine and Zach are aboard the ferry to cross to the pit stop area. They think they're last. Rather, FloWhine thinks they're last and is mid-whine when Ken & Gerard come running to dispel that notion. FloWhine inquwhines "Wheeeere's your biiiiiike?"

KG look out of their depth as she tells them to 'go back there and get a bike!' Back they go, and when they encounter the Twidiots they tell them they don't know where the clue box is - they're still looking too.

OhBother manage to lose the Twidiots and get to the clue box without them seeing. Reading the clue, they decide Ger will do it. So Ger is the one pushing Kenny in the Cyclo!!! haha this strikes me funny - it's like a cartoon situation. Little Piglet pushing Big Pooh. Ger takes a turn too sharply, and out goes Ken and all their stuff. There's that Preview Tidbit. Mark it on your scoresheet! But they recover and carry on.

Meanwhile FloWhine and Zach are Team #2.

The Twidiots take a ferry, and despite having seen a sign at an obvious Race Flag "Park Your Cyclo Here" run to the Pit Stop. Phil is not happy to have to say a rarely used speech. "Derek & Drew you have not completed the Roadblock and you must go back."

Ger says he felt bad not giving them the clue but it's a race to the finish. On the boards most of us agree that it would have been Race suicide to let the Twidiots know what needed to be done. Once on the other side, Twidiots would beat OhBother in a foot race.

To the Twins' credit, they do return, collect a Cyclo and complete ther Race. (Imagine Flo in that position, she'd just say there's no way she's going to exhaust herself and would have whined the whole time. ugh!)

Twins say it's been an incredible ride, an incredible experience. "Don't think we've been this close since college." Finally a timeframe for those Nude Photographs!

Ken & Gerard think they can win this.
Flo and Zach, "we're young we're fast, we're healthy."
Ter and Ian "We wanna finish first. We're going for the gold."

They all sound equally sure of themselves, equally smug about their chances and prospects. It's hard for some of us to decide who we'd rather see not win. Frankly I'd like to see Zach win, and then tell FloWhine to go away and never darken his earshot again!

Next week, a two-hour finale extravaganza. The first hour will be the third of those heartstopping second chances known as the Non-Elimination Round, and the second hour will be the race to the wire. Hope you can stomach another round of FloWhine and tough it out. Come on, I know you can do it. Take some seasickness pills and join us!