LAST EDITED ON 07-10-02 AT 01:56 PM (EST)

Bacheloretts in Alaska #6: The Brides of Skankenstien

Hey, remember how “suspenseful” everything was when the Bachelorettes had a chance to pick a second man on ice in episode five? Remember the “tension” this poorly-thought out, obviously made-up-on-the-fly, last minute change caused our contestants?

Well forget all that, since the editors sure have. We begin the worst show finale ever (Shakes lets loose a cry a relief that there is finally something that ended worse than Love Cruise) with a flashback of who picked who for the 2nd (prisoner) man on ice. But since the editors decide that the 48 hours the girls spent with the men on ice would move quicker than Tim 2 Electric Bogaloser’s bedroom activities, there’s no use reiterating their names. It’s not even one minute into the show and we’re already dwindling down the number of men on ice (not counting the endless introduction.) All the women , surprisingly, pick their original men on ice instead of the guys they REJECTED BEFORE with who they spent a whooping TWO DAYS with. But nice of the host, Probst-Jism, to try a build suspense with ditties like “This is a big decision Sissie. A lot of people are wondering…Thaddeus or Brent?” Has he been watching the show? PUH-LEAZE Probst-jism! Lobotomy patients can figure that out. Now it’s time for the couples to go into lockdown (er...go into a secluded romantic cabin. Probst-jism helpfully informs our couples that this is the “last chance to talk with each other” (they become mute if get engaged?) and adds that the contestants should, “ask questions that have not been answered” (like, “What happened to the previous ‘48 hours?’” or “Which asshole did they pull those ‘reality check’ segments from?” perhaps?)

In CeSilly’s cabin, she begins blah-blahing about her “connection” with Will. Now I don’t know about you, but I think that would be the perfect time to talk about previous dates, especially one you‘re “over.” So of course CeSilly starts up AGAIN on Timgate (I surprised CeSilly hasn’t called Niteline to report on this scandal.) She says that Tim 1 couldn’t “handle” her. I believe that since Tim isn’t a strait-jacket or “special pills” or anything. We find out that CeSilly still thinks about Tim, (Oh look! A “No Freakin Sh!t moment!) and still needs to have a final conversation with him. Sigh. I think CeSilly would make even Dr Phil’s head exploded with her nonsense. Will actually says Rebekah seems to be really hitting it off with Jason. Jason turns Paula Abdul for a moment and compliments Rebekah on her “confidence.” They hang into the hot tub, and they both mention that they had they finally done it (I guess Rebekah is doing her Alexandra Bachelier impersonation.) Jason, I hope you use protection when you rub up against her “confidence.” In Kristian and Blandrea’s cabin, Kristian has this incredibly smug smirk during his interviews. But I guess he has a right to be, since he brags about the amazing feat he preformed of (gasp) making dinner. Wow, look at the romantic leaps he willing to make for his concubine. Ooh, where can I find one like him (oh yeah, at any place where they show scrambled porn.) Kristian lies that he’s starting to think about commitment, so you know those must be some serious blowjobs Blandrea is giving him. Kurt & Karen (who?). Zzzzzz! Ooops, sorry. Karen, through her vicodin haze says something about them being able to be comfortable being silent. If these two were any more “comfortable” we’d have to put mirrors over their mouths to see if they were still breathing. Hilariously Kurt and Karen both sound unsure about “what happened last night.” I guess zombie sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Brent and that neurotic, obsessive mass of fluffy over-permed hair, I mean Sissie. She’s “prayed and “prayed” for this moment, and apparently Jeebus answered this saint’s prayer when he wasn’t busy giving Grammy’s to rap stars. Whatever, Sissie, doesn’t the church have enough problems. Sissie continues her tactical assault on the women’s movement by mentioning that her problem is that she’s been “too strong” and didn’t let a man “take care of her.” Oh thank god, she realized that because Lord knows that the LAST thing a woman should do is be strong and take care of herself or anything as pointless as that right? If a she’s actually content to let a potential husband Promise-Keep her life away…whoops. Sissie stopped paying attention at “potential husband.” Brent admits he’s nervous. In an interview the woman’s libber herself speculates that she might not get a proposal. Oh don’t tease me Sissie, because that would so redeem this episode if Sissie was left without a proposal. I’d speculate that she would have a Carrie-style breakdown right there on the glacier.

Next day, Kurt laments that they only had 24 hours. Don’t worry Kurt. On this side of the screen, it felt much longer. Andrea tells us that she’s willing to move to Alaska if Kristian ask. (pause to wait for the people reading this--yes all three of you-- laughing at Andrea to collect themselves. At this point I’m sure even the elk and bears and other wildlife are guffawing at her cluelessness.)

After the women Aqua-net themselves to death and put on their wedding dresses (hmm, they’re all wearing white. Giggle) we come to the most excruciating point of our “Alaskan adventure”: The finale proposal point. First up is…wait there’s nobody there (so of course I’m talking about Karen.) Probst-Jism gives flashback commentary of Karen’s “epic” romance with Kurt. To our regret, Probst-Jism proves to be a graduate from hyperbole high with his overdramatic sentiments regarding the women’s love lives. It really starts to get thick when Probst-Jism mentions that a plane will touch down and if it doesn’t then the Bachelorette will “go home…alone!” Oh yeah that’s right, I forgot that this is their LAST CHANCE FOR MARRIAGE and all. Oh and just standing around waiting for a man to come whisk you away with the promise of marriage? Way to work that “empowerment” angle, FOX! Anyway, we get some “De plane, boss, de plane” scenes of said plane landing, that (I swear) take like seven whole minutes! Wow, I now see why the time with the second men on ice had to be edited to nil if it meant exciting, exhilarating footage like this could be shown in it’s entirety. Or is this that “suspense” thing again? Anyway no one is on the plane for Karen. Oh no! Now she has to go an live her empty meaningless lonely life forever ( according to the theatrical speechifying this show)! A video message reveals that Kurt liked Karen, but not enough to marry her after 21 DAYS and all.

By the way, The new Halloween movie looks like it’s doing a parody of reality shows, like come back to 2000 when people might have cared about that. Besides whatever is in that movie couldn’t be any scarier than the womens’ attitudes in Bachelorettes in Alaska. Or the idea of Geraldo Rivera and Bill O’Reily working together (shudder!)

Blandrea’s turn at Promise lake. Probst-Jism’s exaggerations during the flashback sequences turn into outright lies when he spins that Kristian and Andrea had an “instant attraction.” WHAT?! Probst-jism also points out that none of the other guys Blandrea dated were marriage material, but that “Patrick was the exception.” Wouldn’t that require her picking him at ANY time? The kicker is when we get narration about how this cause Kristian to “quickly change his attitude.” NO HE DIDN’T! He felt the same way about Blandrea (that he doesn’t want a serious relationship with her) that he always had. GOD! I feel like this whole show is on ‘shrooms given how much sense it’s making. More never-ending plane-landing footage reveals that Kristian is actually on the plane. WTF? It’s a good thing he isn’t leading Blandrea on or anything. He reads a straight from the (Hallmark greeting card) heart declaration of their “love” with the passion of a bored first grader being the “apple” in a play about the four food groups. He’s says he’s seen her “beautiful and strong sides” (I shudder to think which side is “beautiful and strong”) He says he wants to see more of her and get to know (aka phuck) her better. By the way, can I say that that WASN’T A PROPOSAL. Does that mean Blandrea gets to keep the dowry? Gotta love a show that can follow it’s own rules. Blandrea of course just beams and accepts his non-proposal like the doormat she is and FOX thinks this is an occasion to let the lovey-dovey music swell to dramatic heights, because it’s always a tear-jerker when a guy non-commits to his semen receptacle.

Rebekah at Promise lake. Probst-Jism lays about the usual hyperbolic spiel. Flashback of Rebekah’s flirt-a-thon, which resulted in her having an “impressive” $23,000 in her dowry and Jason as her man on ice.. Rebekah puts on her fake “Real LA girl” insincere smile, which quickly fades when she realizes that Jason isn’t there. Hee! All that money! GONE! And now, the host basically states that she’s doomed to become a lonely old spinster, because this is her LAST CHANCE FOR MARRIAGE remember? And she is so pissed too. Jason’s farewell video message contains more inane chatter about Rebekah’s “confidence” but the real gem is when Jason says, “I hope everyone can see that the “princess’s beauty is much greater on the inside than it is on the outside.” That has to be the best insinuation of sexual activity since Ali “treated Kelley like a lady” in Temptation Island 2

Lord, give me strength! CeSilly’s up next. On a flashback to the first episode, CeSilly says that she thinks the idea of this show is “incredibly romantic” just so we’ll know that she was insane, even then. Flashback of the Timgate scandal and…wait a minute? Tim (1) hurt Cecile? I didn’t know that since she’s only told us about it EVERY FREAKIN EPISODE. Will Will, her men on ice be there? No it’s even worse than you imagine. For we see Tim 1 walk out of the plane. ARGH! I can see why CeSilly is so nuts because this show is driving me crazy! It’s like I’ve entered some weird Twilight Zone-ish alternate dimension where the whole world is topsy-turvy and nothing makes sense, where up is down, right is wrong, Rebekah is actually 27. Add to that a world were it appears that CeSilly and Tim are happy to see one another. Of course, I don’t even need to point out that letting Tim come aboard just so this shrill whiny broad can have “closure” is totally breaking the rules, but since the producer of this show has used the rulebook to wipe his ass, I guess I shouldn’t worry about it (especially since Tim now has $2,000 in his dowry for pulling this obviously arranged-by-producers stunt.) Tim says stuff from last episode about feeling embarrassed about dating someone from a TV show. Particularly since he wants to get to know her “away from the cameras.” And CeSilly agrees! This show? Makes. No. SENSE! And neither does the gushy “romance” music accompanying it. This is romance for the people who thought Friday the 13th was a love story. Watching that was the equivalent of a 60’s freak-out scene, but with all the trippy colors. My god! Those two are FREAKS! And to top it off, that WASN'T EVEN A PROPOSAL! And where the hell is Will's goodbye video message? Ugh! This show was the work of the devil (since it's on Rupert Murdoch's network, that's actually true.)

I’m actually relieved when Sissie comes up to Promise Lake. Her flashback sequence also doubles as the Brent Appreciation Society since her comments were similar to her writing “I Luv Brent!” with heart-shapes 500 times on the cover of her notebook. After 20 hours of plane footage, we see that Brent appeared. Brent seems to actually want to take things slow, asking her if she would be willing to meet his family and kids (um…wasn’t this one of the “questions not answered” he was suppose to ask her in the cabin?), while Sissie has this scary overeager Ritalin deprived look that screams, “Can I marry and start baring Brent’s children NOW?” Sissie of course nods her head at all of this, all “Marry me, dammit!” He also ask if she would move to Alaska, as if she hadn’t already done that. And FINALLY, we get a real proposal (3 guesses what Sissie’s answer was.) I cringe for whoever is doomed to be her bridesmaid, because you just KNOW Sissie is going to pick some fugly frilly number.

Updates:
Sissie still has Brent chained to her and their still in Alaska. Karen and Kurt never talk to each other again, continuing their non-existence separately, Blandrea has a “long distance relationship” with Kristian (read: he’s screwing other women up North while Blandrea is still thinking he’ll be hers. So the “distance” here is actually measured by how far Blandrea’s delusional doormat world is from the real world.) Rebekah returns to throwing up her dignity and that half a candy bar she ate in the safety of her own neighborhood, having no communication with Jason. Tim basically dumped CeSilly’s ass AGAIN in California. You mean the overdone romantic music lied to me? Wow, I’m so disillusioned! I thought the spineless tool and drama harpy were really going to make it work. But don’t worry. I’m sure CeSilly WON’T talk about it for the next 5 years or so because she’s probably already so over him. That’s exactly what she’ll spend 3 hours telling the next masochist that dates her. Oh yeah and HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And finally, Jonnycumlately rifles through his liquor cabinet to find something that will dull the pain of seeing this horribly executed and offensive show, or the sheer inanity and nonsensical rambling will make his head explode, and we all know how AyaK hates the mess.

Next Week: Jonnycumlately learns to enjoy summer again. One day at a time….