LAST EDITED ON 08-28-05 AT 10:27 AM (EST)
So who thought of this, exactly? It had to be someone with way too much time spent reading comic books, right? You know: the kids in the cafeteria who would always spend their lunch period in exciting debates like 'Could the Hulk beat up Superman?' or 'Who's got better reflexes: the Flash or Spider-Man?', and other topics that could occupy thirty-eight thrilling minutes without having to make a single stop in reality. And all of those debates had at their core a single idea: that these characters could somehow meet, unite in the same world, cross both dimensional barriers and the walls of mutual publisher hatred for the express purpose of nearly killing each other. Let two or three decades pass, give a couple of those former kids jobs in television, and...
But they don't get it, do they? Sure, there's been a few of us who wondered what would happen if contestants from different reality shows got together. But with this group, it doesn't come down to who's stronger or faster or more cunning. It's more like 'What if we could get Dicque and Voldy and Coral and Mikethemiz in the same room together -- and then suddenly, they all dropped dead? Wouldn't that be cool? And then we could send in DocWill to see what had killed them, he'd contract the disease in a passive form and transmit it to every reality star he got near, and a day or two later, they all dropped dead...' You could use up a hundred lunch periods in happy daydreaming about that sort of thing. Mmm... piled-up DAW corpses...
But I'm not really a mass murderer at heart. Honestly, the times when I actively want someone dead are few and far between. I'm more into the pain thing. Suffering. Torture. Public humiliation. Chances to fail in front of millions of witnesses and never, ever be able to live it down afterwards. That's the sort of thing that pleasant daylight fantasies are made of. And that's why this series is doomed. It's Bravo. Twenty thousand viewers is a slightly unrealistic goal. And once you eliminate the former reality contestants watching to see if they should try out for any prospective Season Two, that gets cut down to about eighty actual people.
On the dubiously bright side, given the rate at which networks are releasing new reality shows, that former contestant viewer pool should be up to three million by the end of 2008...
So: last time on 14:55 And Counting, LibraRising had the thankless task of introducing thirty-two competitors, three sideline commentators, plus one host, and got to find out that no one's medical coverage includes exposure to DAW overload. (He's young. He's strong. He shouldn't be in the hospital for more than another week. Send him a card, okay?) The contestants were divided into four teams of eight, competing for a prize of $10,000 for the last team standing, and because this isn't FOX, that's 'each'. Our DAWs competed in three events, leading off with the obstacle course, and if you didn't see it, let's just say Mark Burnett is still laughing. This was followed by the classic Dunk Tank, which actually got my hopes up for a few seconds until sideline commentator BachelorBob said the most depressing words of the night: '...and we've secretly replaced the acid...' Finally, contestants faced off with padded quarterstaffs, which was almost okay if you could just ignore the whole 'padded' thing, and there were a few times when the Q-tip came off. This granted the second-greatest of all gifts, which is Hope. First-greatest would have been seeing Jonathan take a staff hit to the mouth and get his jaw wired shut for a reasonable healing period, like the rest of his life. But there were no (wonderful) horrible injuries, which meant teams had to eliminate players the old-fashioned way: voting. Gervase's group, having finished in first for that round, was safe, but the other three teams had to get rid of one player each. The cast-offs were Charla, who was not thrown back for being too small because what counts in this game is mouth size and in that she's overqualified, Kim, who by volunteering to leave did more than she managed in the entire Race, and Heidi, who elected to do her second Osten of the day and given that she's an Apprentice contestant, shouldn't that really be a Verna? But it's just not a reality show without pointless twists -- so in the end, no one went home. Instead, the rejects drew for new teams, with Kim being carried back -- the effort required to leave exhausted her -- Charla joining Coral's crew and lowering the average volume by six decibels, and Heidi meeting Mikethemiz, thus raising her lifetime number of bosses with impossible hairstyles to two.
Who will win this week's competitions? Just how lame can those competitions become, given the toddler-level obstacle course from the first episode? Will anyone be irritated when they realize the points don't accumulate from show to show? Can anyone count well enough to notice? Will Jonathan spontaneously combust? Will Dicque spontaneously throw up? Will Kim do anything? All these and many more questions will not even remotely be answered in this episode. But we will get another stupid twist, because it's mandatory.
*sigh* At least I only have to do this once... Roll opening credits.
Nineteen-seventies graphics! Nineteen-seventies graphics! Take it away! Take it away!
Ow. Eye wash? Thank you.
(Note: due to having thirty-five DAWs plus non-special guest stars in one show, virtually all quotes were captured in rough paraphrase. There's too many people talking and I have an absolute limit of sixteen rewinds per tape. Dealing with Jaundice Janice for six weeks has raised my tolerance: it has not made me immune. Onwards.)
And we're back in Malibu, at the University Of If This Doesn't Get Our Accreditation Removed Nothing Will Pepperdine, here to listen to the sage words of our main announcer as he brings us back into what he seems to think is about to pass for a sporting event.
Our Host: 'Hi, I'm Mike Adamle, and in case you were wondering, this is what happens when you can't even make the play-by-play team for Craft Deathmatch. Yes, at this point in my life, I have no career. But luckily for me, I also have no shame, and that means I have a paycheck, so nyah-nyah nanny boo-boo. I'm here at the greatest gathering of reality stars ever assembled, which goes a long way towards explaining the biohazard suit I'm currently wearing, not to mention the huge plastic tent being draped over the campus. This is what the editing will try to make appear as the second week in a six-week competition, even though we're shooting the entire series in three days because Carson wants the team uniforms back on the Queer Eye set by Friday. This afternoon -- sorry, this week -- the DAWs will be competing in three extreme events, which ought to kill the use of that word once and for all. We're going to start off with the mental strain that accompanies a rousing round of Simon Says, because most of these people have never listened to anything besides the voices in their heads for their entire lives, so we're figuring acknowledging the existence of other humans is going to cause at least six nervous breakdowns, plus this was the only way we could find a contest lamer than that obstacle course. After that, we're going to play Dodgeball, because I could have so totally gotten that job on GSN if Bill and Zach hadn't auditioned first. God, I hate them. I want to kill them all. Is this going to be edited for broadcast? Anyway, we'll finish up with a swimming relay race because if we've learned anything from the sixteen shows we gathered our contestants from, it's this: bikinis. Early and often. Also, since I have to have something to do to keep my mind off the high fever I'm developing, I'll show up at the end of the day's events to usher out two of our players. Whichever team scores the least points between all three events will have to send two people home. That's right, count 'em. Two. One -- two. I'm a sportscaster and I'm almost entirely sure that's right. Is my hair on straight?'
You just know he's using this tape at his next WWE audition.
All four teams walk into their locker rooms (which have no lockers -- it's Bravo and you had to see the rental prices) to find Adamle's elimination warning on their blackboard. Naturally, there are people who have trouble with the concept, starting with Team Gervase's Jonathan. 'What does last place mean? Last team?' And really, you'd think he'd know last place by heart, wouldn't you?
Every contestant must compete in at least one event today, and everyone is going to play Dodgeball, so it's just a question of picking and choosing for the remaining two contests: six for Simon Says, five for the swim relay. Everyone starts planning their attack.
Boogie Mike: 'I can swim. I stink at the whole hot tub thing, but I can swim.'
Brittany: 'Models and water, models and water... they go together like two good DAWs oughta...'
Jonathan: 'I can swim. I'm the best swimmer here. I would have gone out for the Olympics, but I was too busy with climbing Mount Everest that summer. By myself. Barehanded. Did I mentioned I trained Mark Spitz? He never says anything about it because he wanted to keep me as his secret weapon, but it's absolutely true. Seven gold medals and he engraved my name around the rim on all them. It only looks like normal edging until you get the microscope out. Speaking of microscopes, has anyone seen my ability to stop talking?'
Boogie Mike (confessional-tell): 'They could have an event where we had to stick our heads in guillotines and Jonathan would claim he'd been decapitated three times before this and sewed his own head back on.'
Jonathan (flashback): 'Me! Me, me me me, me -- me, me, me me me me me. Me? Me...'
Gervase: 'Who here swims on a regular basis? I am not counting attempts to drown Jonathan as a warlock. That is so unfair to warlocks everywhere -- Voldemort can't hear us, right?'
Brittany (c-t): 'I'm so glad Gervase is our captain. Everyone knew Jonathan wanted to be our captain. He keeps talking about having been a captain for some 1960s TV show. God, he's old. And who cares about what happens when he throws his mighty shield?'
Jonathan: 'All those who dare to oppose my ego must yield! For it's big and it's bright and it's noble and true and it fights for the secretly-me-captained Light Blue, when Super Jonathan opens his mighty mouth!'
Meanwhile, over at Team Miz...
Dicque: 'So the last place team will have two people go home... does anyone know if the grand prize is actually eighty thousand per team, divided among the surviving members? Because if it is, it's time to start throwing contests.'
The Bradford: 'Umm... I have immunity because we didn't totally lose this morning, right? Because I'm not giving it up.'
Mirna: 'Before we start talking about strategy, I want to talk about the single most important issue facing this team today: how you're going to listen to me complain for the next five minutes without trying to strangle me.'
Mikethemiz (c-t): 'Mirna woke up late from her nap because she was trying to justify her really lousy performance in her sleep, and that took three extra hours. I think she's mad because we voted out her brain.'
Mirna: 'I hate you all. I've despised you since the first hour we met. You took Charla away! I can't believe you got rid of the only thing that allows me to function as a nearly-human being! I can't think anymore! I can't move! But I can still talk!' (pause) (c-t) 'I knew the votes I got earlier meant the entire team hated me. For some reason, that feels really familiar...' (pause) (mainstream) 'I just wanted to make sure that if you all thought of me as a total outcast, completely useless, Charla's appendix, you'd get rid of me next. I'd rather go home than be somewhere I wasn't wanted -- wait -- I was home and they sent me around the world...'
The Bradford: 'Outcast... rejected... no, Mr. Trump, don't send me home again... I'll be good... I'll be good...'
Mikethemiz: 'And it took you this long to feel like that? Man, my skills are rusty.'
Mirna: 'Well, it took me a while to realize there were other people here, and right now -- now -- what does 'now' mean again?'
Heidi: 'Oh, god. What am I, a walking dictionary? First I get that emergency phone call asking me to define 'immunity' for Networth...'
The Bradford: 'Immunity? Immunity? Where? Give it to me!'
Mikethemiz (c-t): 'Mirna thinks she's the next person to go if we lose today, and that's going to hurt her performance. We need her at the top of her game. We need her to have confidence in herself so she can be the best Mirna she can be. We need everything she can give us, every time. And then, when she's empty, wrung out, and useless -- then we vote her out. If we can just save her until after the whining competition...'
Which brings us to Team Coral.
DunkNut: 'We can't think about losing two members of our team at all. We've got to go out there and play as if nothing's going to happen. We own the competition. We own the audition. We are going to be the stars of this show. And if we somehow happen to lose, I'll just disown you and have my wife get pregnant with another team.'
Charla: 'Does anyone know a good Dodgeball strategy? Because throwing me is illegal in sixteen states and this could be one of them. Plus I'm out as soon as I'm over the center line.'
Evan: 'Melissa. Charla. On back. Evan carry. Can't hit girls if Evan in front. But might fall over and crush them. Maybe not good idea. Help Evan. Evan not good at thinking.'
Charla (c-t): 'Evan's funny! He actually thinks he can carry the weight of my responsibility towards little people!'
Melissa: 'So who are we putting up for the swim event? I think we need people who won't sink to the bottom as soon as they hit the water. Thank God Voldemort isn't actually playing...
Charla: 'I can swim! Here's my sixteen-page mini-doctorate explaining my ratio of muscle mass to weight as involved in propulsion through a liquid medium!'
Adam: 'Give it to me. I'll get it down to three bullet points and read the shortest one to Coral.'
Evan: 'Evan throw Charla! Charla not have to launch! Evan toss Charla to other side of pool! -- no. Wait. Remembering Evan's bouncer days. Evan bad bouncer. Some people not bounce.'
And finally, Team Chip.
Kim (reading blackboard): 'Two players -- from last place -- team go -- home -- too much speaking -- exhausted -- someone else -- finish...'
DocWill: 'Team Coral! It's going to be Team Coral! I am The Evil Doctor Will and I Have Spoken!'
Susan: 'Oh, no... and I wanted to kick Dicque's naked butt for all six shows...'
Chip: 'Peace be upon this room, my brothers and sisters. Now, let us pray, for today we have been asked to hurt our nearest and dearest in the game of Dodgeball. It is regrettable, but unavoidable. Truly, there are times you must hurt the ones you love, but you must hurt them with love, and they will love you all the more for it. Speak onto me the secrets of the Dodgeball, so that we may minimize their pains on this Earth and increase their rewards in Heaven.'
Nikki: 'I think for the girls, if you don't have really big hands, it's hard to throw the ball. So that leaves Chip, Matt, Will, Theo, Brian, and Susan. And I'm the only one who can get the ball in front of my mouth and propel it with a sonic blast.'
Chip: 'You speak wisdom, my daughter. So how shall we apply it to our daily lives?'
Susan: 'We give the ball to the guys and let them kill everything they see.'
Nikki: 'Right. The girls just try to catch the balls, then immediately pass them to the guys.'
Susan: 'I just wish I'd been able to give some of the guys balls on my last reality shows.'
Nikki: 'So you really do have spares?'
DocWill (c-t): 'I need the show's therapist, stat. I feel like my mind is coming apart at the seams. Decent people working together for a common goal... what kind of crazy world is this? That's not supposed to happen! Sweetness and light and cooperation... God, my head... just being this close to Chip burns...'
Theo (c-t): 'We've got a really good team here, but DocWill's constant head spinning and pea soup vomiting is starting to worry me. But we've still got a healthy Susan, and she's a trucker! If anyone gives us any trouble, she's gonna go all Road Rules Rage on them and run people over! -- remind me not to stand in front of Susan for the rest of the show.'
Susan (exact quote): 'Dodge! Catch! Dodge! Catch! Dodge! Catch! Aaaahhhhh!'
With all the teams having worked out their strategies, Adamle takes us out to the Simon Says field with a history segment showing how the game was used during the original Battles. Unfortunately, that's the exact point where I fell asleep on the tape. (What were the odds?) I did wake up just in time for the important part, which said the point totals from the last show were wiped. First place in this event (and the next) scores a hundred points, dropping by twenty-five points for each placement afterwards. It's a new day, it's a new game, it's the same old boring DAWs. Let's play -- shortly after this pre-game interview with Mikethemiz!
BachelorBob: 'You've been making yourself known as an athletic force, but what are you going to do when you're in a game that involves some actual brainpower?'
Mikethemiz: 'I have turned a single season's worth of appearances on MTV into a rotating reality show schedule that guarantees I'll never have to work a day in my life.'
BachelorBob: 'Shutting up.'
Along with pregame strategy discussions.
Mikethemiz (c-t): 'We're DAWs. We don't listen to people. We tell them to listen to us! Can't we just all rotate as the callers?'
Gervase: 'Listen. Focus. No A.D.D. contestants. Snooze between orders.'
Tina: 'The men will go out first. Pay close attention. Men. Ears. Tunnel straight through brain.'
Matt: 'Okay, my Simon Says strategy is -- butterfly! Butterfly! Quick, get a net -- wow, is that the sun? Cool! Let's just look at it for a while!'
BoogieMike: 'Beware of Melissa. She won the MTV Inferno challenge with a game of Simon Says. We have to figure out a way to take her out of her game. We're also really worried about Nikki and Ryan, because they're both former Idols and if anyone here is used to doing what Simon Says, it's going to be them. If the caller is loud and couches everything in a sarcastic British accent, we're dead...'
Melissa: 'Simon Says don't brag about your past wins and put pressure on yourself to win for the entire team -- oh, damn it!'
The rules here are simple: if Simon Says do it, you do it. If an order comes that isn't preceded by the magic words and you do it anyway, you're out. (Since there's only two people watching for violations -- the caller and a referee -- it's possible to get away with a miss in a crowd, but once the group thins down, forget it.) The last person standing wins the round for their team.
Adamle: 'Everyone knows how to play Simon Says, so let's -- wait -- you sixteen in the back with your hands raised -- oh, for crying out loud...' (fifteen minutes' worth of fast motion pass) 'Okay, now that everybody knows how to play Simon Says -- what? Evan? Jesus Christ...' (two hours' worth of fast motion pass) 'As I was saying before we were so rudely interrupted, let's introduce our referee, a man who played this game on the original version of the show: J.J. Walker!'
J.J: 'Good times! Dy-no-mite! MTV 70s show! Residual payments are great!'
All DAWs, on and off the field: 'What's a residual payment?'
Mark Burnett: 'Shutupshutupshutup!'
About-To-Be-Named Caller: 'Simon Says forget what you just heard! Simon Says look at me! Simon Says my name is Steve Macks, and you will obey me and only me! Simon Says game on!'
The game starts in earnest, and the first elimination comes on the first command. Listening isn't exactly a core skill for most reality shows -- at least, not for the people who went out as early as the bulk of the field did.
Steve: 'Hands up -- well, will you look at that. J.J, would you please escort Victoria off the field?'
Victoria: 'But -- there was a camera behind him and he told me to do something...'
J.J. 'Simon Says take your clothes off back at my place after the show!'
Steve: 'And here we go! Simon Says hands up -- Simon Says wave those hands around -- hands down -- hah! Gotcha! Chris and Wendy, you're out!'
Chris: 'I didn't hear you! My giant Rolex was right up by my ears!'
Wendy: 'I didn't hear you! I didn't hear anyone in my entire first series and I'm not about to start now!'
Steve: 'Okay, for real this time. Hands down -- goodbye, Mirna!'
Mirna: 'But my hands are so heavy! Can't someone else hold them up for me?'
Chip: 'Adam! I saw your sin, my brother! I will forgive you this time, but you must be redeemed!'
Chris (c-t): 'It's not whether you make a mistake in this game, it's whether you get caught. God, that brings me back.'
DocWill (c-t, on the sidelines for this game, exact quote): 'This is ridiculous. This is redunkulous. It's a sham, it's a mockery, it's a travesty, it's a shamocktresty.'
Steve: 'Simon Says right hand up -- Simon Says wave it around -- left hand up -- Simon Says The Bradford is fired -- Simon Says hands up -- hands down -- Melissa, you are toast -- Simon Says J.J. Walker must now pick up Melissa like a little girl and carry her off the field in the most humiliating way possible while she screams her head off...'
Melissa (c-t, exact quote): 'I'm bitter, and I'm upset, and I'm going to have to say that I'm going to blame everyone but myself.'
Steve: 'Simon Says put the camera on Coral! Simon Says everyone bounce up and down! Simon Says bouncy, bouncy! Simon Says put your hands up and wave them while bouncing! Simon Says bounce in a circle with your hands up and waving! Simon Says women who wear a D-cup or larger are the last group in America you can embarrass, make fun of, and outright humiliate with no repercussions whatsoever! -- Ow! Who's hitting me? Stop hitting me! Somebody stop this! Oh God, that hurts! Why won't someone stop this! For the love of Christ, I'm in agony here! Not in the face! Not in the face! My career -- my precious, pointless career! Please... I'm sorry... I'm begging you... begging... ARRRRGHH! *whimper* *moan* Simon Says medic... medic...'
After an extended time out for well-earned medical attention:
Steve: 'Simon Says stop bouncing, hands down, and please don't hurt me again, I'll be good... Simon Says goodbye to Rachel, Heidi, Tina, Coral, Gervase, and Boogie Mike, which finishes off Team Gervase and means the light blues will finish in last place...'
Rachel: 'Whew! I thought my hair weave was going to shift!'
Heidi: 'Great. Another Project Manager who couldn't make up his mind.'
Tina: 'Just wait until I tell the other girls in the apartment about this date!'
Coral: 'You did not just tell me what to do! -- oh, wait. You did.'
Boogie Mike: 'Water... water... 180% proof water...'
Steve: 'Simon Says let's go to commercial so I can have my bandages changed.'
When the show returns from the break, Adamle notes that Dicque's still in the game, which cues up an earlier-taped interview segment with Dicque and Voldemort.
Voldy: 'I don't believe this... I feel just like a little schoolgirl... Here I am, I've been talking to snakes my entire life, and now I get the original, the biggest snake of them all! You're my idol -- you're everything I ever dreamed I could be... Oh, please say I can call you Salazar! Please do!'
Dicque: 'Err... yeah. Fine. Whatever gets this over with faster.'
Voldy: 'He talked to me! He talked to me!' *faints* (Ten minutes later, post smelling-salts) 'Now, Salazar, did you ever think your reality House would be as big and captivating and full of evil as it eventually became, not to mention so perfect as to product me?'
Dicque: 'Well, I knew it would be big and captivating, because people would tune in to see just how I would outwit, outsmart, and outslither people every week, and once I start something, it's going to work out for everyone. Especially me. As for full of evil, I like to think that I set the example for all the children and grandchildren that followed me, and although I take no responsibility for their actions, I'm still very proud. And as for you -- who are you exactly?'
Voldy: 'Oh, you little flirt. Tee-hee! Now, not to get too personal, but what about the money you hid from the IRS, you naughty boy? Do you have some of it on you? Can I see it? Is it your Horcrux from having shattered Kelly's soul? Your fans want to know!'
Dicque: 'Much like the IRS, my fans can go hang. When my attorney tells me not to talk about something, I don't talk about it. *cough* ItsallCBS'sfault *cough* '
Voldy: 'I love you, Salazar.'
Dicque: 'Help. Me.'
Meanwhile, back at the game:
Steve: 'Simon Says arms up -- Simon Says arms down -- Simon Says hands on hips -- Simon Says I got some blood in my eye, which explains why Adam is still here -- Simon Says give me one clap -- one big clap -- hah! KarmaWill couldn't give me one big clap if he tried! He's out! And so are Matt, Theo, and DunkNut!'
KarmaWill: 'I could so too give you the clap! -- oh...'
Matt: 'Oh, come on. I couldn't leave my hand on a naked woman's skin for hours on end and now you expect me to touch it to my own other hand?'
Theo: 'At least it was a good rehearsal for my next twelve Road Rules seasons.'
DunkNut: 'Once my kid is a star, you'll never work in this town again!'
DocWill: 'Adam's not even playing Simon Says! He's the last one left on the red team because he's been playing Don't Get Caught! What's he doing, auditioning for The Apprentice?'
Chip: 'Purgatory, Adam! Purgatory!'
Steve: 'Simon Says rub the belly -- stop rubbing your belly and hands up -- Simon Says Susan should have practiced her rat petting while she had the chance because she's out! Simon Says Mikethemiz couldn't translate his own ego stroking to action! Simon Says the red team is finishing in third place, because Adam is finally gone!
Susan: 'Whatever. As long as I outlasted Dicque -- oh, (censored)! (Censored)! (Censored)!'
Mikethemiz: 'Is it my fault I don't have a belly?'
Adam: 'Huh? But -- you can't! I'm the Average Joe! America's rooting for me! I can't leave now! There's no bus!'
Steve: 'Simon Says hands up. Simon Says hands down. Simon Says one jump, please -- wait. Did Kim just jump? She actually moved? Are we sure it was a jump? Can we get a replay? No time? Simon Says Kim is out because she's going to need an IV if we make her do anything else.'
Kim: 'Ooooh...' *faints*
Steve: 'So that leaves just Nikki for the green team. Simon Knew we should have renamed this game! Simon Says tap your nose -- Simon Says stop tapping -- Simon Says hands up -- hands up -- Valerie! You started to put your hands down! Simon Says you're out! No one had any idea who you were and you still went out in third place! Simon Says that leaves Dicque and Nikki! Simon Had No Idea Dicque was actually capable of following orders! It must be that West Point training!'
Valerie: 'What do you mean, 'no one had any idea who you were'? Don't you know who I am? I'm --'
Steve: 'Simon Says Valerie can shut up now!
Mikethemiz: 'Wait a minute! Nikki's hair just changed color! You didn't tell her to do that! She's out!'
J.J: 'We're not telling you to breathe, either, but you're keeping it up anyway!'
Mikethemiz: 'Whatever, has-been-that-I've-had-more-TV-appearances-than.'
Steve: 'For the game! Nikki, Simon Says seduce Dicque! Simon Says be sultry! Simon Says make Voldemort wish she'd killed you on Fear Factor while she still had the chance! Very good! Dicque, Simon Says seduce Nikki!'
Dicque does what comes naturally: turns around to let his rear face Nikki, then pulls down his shorts. Half the DAW field collapses with laughter. Susan spontaneously hugs Kim, because you need close contact with the real world when you're in the middle of a flashback. Nikki turns away quickly, but too late, too late...
J.J. (exact quote): 'Security! I need security here! We have an unlawful doffing!'
Nikki: 'His shorts came down, and there was this blinding flash... I thought the matches finally went off!'
The editors helpfully insert a quick slow-motion graphic replay. Yep, that's a flash. And possibly flame. And definitely trauma.
Steve: 'Simon Says tap your knees! Simon says stop! Hands up -- not so fast, Nikki! Dicque wins!'
Team Miz converges on Dicque, with Mikethemiz reaching him first and sending him to the ground in a tackle bear-hug. It's actually sort of sweet, as long as you were done throwing up from what happened thirty seconds before it.
Adamle (near-exact quote): 'Nikki certainly saw a side to Dicque she didn't expect to encounter.' Oh, we all expected it. But it's like expecting a nuclear bomb to go off. It doesn't actually help when you hear the *click*.
Voldy: 'Salazar! Salazar, my one true love! How did you triumph over the lesser Houses! How? I knew you would, I always had faith, but I have to learn from your example, at your feet -- oh, do let me lick your feet...'
Dicque (backing up in a hurry): 'It's the first lesson of reality television. When I show my rear, I win.'
Voldy: 'And your faithful Death Eaters?'
Dicque: 'If they hadn't shielded me for so long, I never could have reached the end. It was a total team effort. It was all about the team. I am nothing without my alliance -- err -- team. Go, team!'
Team Miz: 'Dicque! Dicque! Dicque! Dicque! Dicque!' *group departure*
Dicque (racing back to the microphone, exact quote): 'Yeah, yeah, it's all about the team. Suuuuure!' (races away)
So after one event, the standings are:
Team Miz: 100
Team Chip: 75
Team Coral: 50
Team Gervase: 25
And on to Dodgeball, where the sound you just heard was Adam and Brian screaming. Let's just run down the rules for those of you who suffered too much head trauma in first grade. You start with two balls, but then in the second round they add a Really Big Ball, and if you're the last player standing on your team and you can avoid being hit for thirty seconds, the entire team regenerates -- no. Wait. Sorry. You still start with two balls, but if your team has them both, you have to throw one or both within five seconds or you get a yellow card, plus the team only regenerates if the last player standing hits a special target -- hold up. Okay. Let me try again. You score one point for a catch, one for a kill, and a bonus point for getting rid of the entire team...
There are days when I really hate GSN.
Fine. This is standard playground Dodgeball. As said earlier, everyone plays, and there are six balls in play between both sides. If you get hit by a ball on any part of your body, you're out. (Unlike the quasi-professional GSN counterpart, head shots count.) If you catch a ball, the person who threw it is out and one player from your team comes back in: team's choice. If you cross the center line, you're out, although suicide leaps -- jumping over the line to get closer for the throw and releasing before you hit the ground -- are legal, spectacular, and probably not going to happen today. The game ends when one side has all of its players eliminated. The teams were matched up by random draw, so Round One is Team Gervase vs. Team Coral and Team Miz vs. Team Chip. (This is probably symbolic in some vague way. Probably.) The winners move on: the losers will play each other for third place.
Coral (c-t): 'There's no strategy in Dodgeball. You just have to not get hit. And there's no strategy in reality shows. You just have to sign onto one where you can never be eliminated and they'll keep you on the network forever. And there's no way I'm going to stop talking. I'm just going to go and on forever and you'll have to keep transcribing me because I'll never ever shut up in a million years and --'
Well, what do you know? It fit.
Says you, Coral -- well, not anymore...
Mikethemiz: 'A huge part of the game is catching the ball. An even huger part of the game is not hitting the cute girls on the other side too hard, because you might want to talk to them later.'
DocWill: 'You have to absorb the hit. Absorb it -- no, I got that power for free when I gave up the first installment of my immortal -- look, not in front of Chip, okay?'
Mikethemiz: 'Plus, when you catch a ball, one of their guys goes out and one of you comes in, and that's all the more time I have to stare at you.'
Chris: 'Kill the best player! Kill the best player! Getting rid of the person who's most qualified for the job is the only way I -- we can win!'
Gervase: 'Mikethemiz is first. Then Dicque -- then Dicque again -- if you can hit him while he's in the Out area, do it -- this time, it's personal...'
Mikethemiz: 'Evan -- then Theo -- then let them catch a ball and bring Theo back in -- then I'll nail Theo -- repeat -- what do you mean, 'we'll run out of players'?'
Burton: 'So you can go out of the game and then come back in? I am so down with that.'
Nikki (c-t): 'My strategy is to stay out of the way, pass the balls off to people who can throw harder than I can, and if any opportunity comes up, hurt Voldemort.'
Dicque (exact quote): 'Oh, the big bad balls!' Yeah, like he'd know -- oh. Wait. Nevermind.
Since the show is only an hour long and Dodgeball can go on forever, the first-round games are heavily edited: we only get about a minute's worth of highlights between them. In relative brief: Team Gervase was ahead early -- Charla's not as small a target as she'd like to be for this game and Adam's teeth can be pinpointed from fifty yards -- but then they lost sight of the center line because when you've got Chris and Jonathan in your group, finding your center is pretty much a lost cause. As a result, Chris, Gervase, and Tina took themselves out, evening up the sides a little. Still, it came down to Coral vs. Brittany and Victoria -- and Coral caught Brittany's ball, letting Brittany show off her outfit all the way down the runway to the Out zone. That brought KarmaWill back in, and if a dodgeball is a boomerang, you're playing the wrong sport -- but he was still accurate enough to take out Victoria. KarmaWill and Adam hoisted Coral onto their shoulders in victory, and if it had been anyone's hand except KarmaWill's in the location it wound up at, people would have died. Justifiably.
In the other first round game, Team Chip had to abandon an early part of their strategy, which was 'Let Susan keep trying to kill Dicque and hope she takes out most of the other team in the crossfire' when Susan kept signaling her throw directions before release, making her the only trucker in America to have any idea what signals are used for, and she still got it wrong. Instead, they switched to a 'catch and clobber' strategy based around Theo and DocWill, both of whom were taking out throwers left and right. Theo was using his MTV practice to good effect because once the rap songs start up, you're dodging bullets, and after that, what's a red rubber ball? And DocWill actually caught two balls one after the other, with the first still cradled in one arm when the second one came in. (Twins! Double the billing!) Finally, Matt stepped up, screamed 'Pretend she's in a bee suit!' for no apparent reason, and took out Heidi to end the game. He immediately felt so bad about it that he pledged all of his winnings from this round to her in apology. And since there are no winnings in this round, Matt was safe. For now...
Which brings us to Team Chip vs. Team Coral. It's not so much Good vs. Evil as it is Preachy vs. Loud. (Go, Preachy!) But before the game starts, there's enough time to show DocWill enjoying a soda that has not had the brand blurred out -- yeah, like I'm giving them a free plug -- and while we're waiting, let's check in on Trishelle, who's at courtside to interview Evan.
Trishelle: 'Gee, you're tall... So how's your dating life been since the show?'
Evan: 'Girls not like Evan. Girls think Evan big fat liar whose pants are on fire -- Evan's pants on fire! Help Evan! Help!'
Trishelle: 'Easy, easy! -- I'll put it out with my tongue! -- okay, you're safe... So, with so many people here from so many different reality shows, was there anyone you like --' *licks lips* *drops blouse from left shoulder* '-- totally wanted to meet?'
Evan: 'Evan not watch much TV. Paul not here anymore to show Evan how to change channel. Evan stuck on whatever station is there. Evan watch lot of Food Network. Want to see Evan's chocolate mousse?'
Trishelle (clearly stunned): 'So you didn't know who I was?'
Evan: 'Who you?'
Trishelle (sobbing): 'I am never going to talk to you again! And after all we've meant to each other!'
Evan (confused, as if that's news): 'What you talking about?'
Trishelle: *runs off crying*
Evan: 'Girls weird.'
And now, our feature presentation.
Coral (exact quote): 'Our strategy for the second game was not to get hit: hence the term 'dodgeball'. Dodge. Ball.'
KarmaWill: 'If anyone hits on me, I hope it's Theo... By the way, are Nikki's hair coloring chemicals starting to reach her brain? I don't know what she's throwing at. The only thing she's hit so far is Voldemort. Eight times.'
Adam: 'I'm going to hide behind Charla the entire game and wait for the flashbacks to go away. Maybe by the time it's almost over, it'll be me against a couple of girls, and then I'll ask them out and they'll run away. Team Chip's strength is Theo, but their weakness is everyone else. Especially Kim, because they might count her out when she gets tired of holding the ball and drops it on her own foot. Still -- I've got to watch out for Brian. He had hunks throwing balls at him for two days on set and his entire life off it. He must have learned something, right?'
Reality show contestants. Learning. Adam's funny.
The game gets underway, and the teams start targeting whoever they see as the strongest players immediately: DocWill sits down for Team Chip, with Evan leaving the reds. One of the many reasons Susan has balls is because she's good at catching them: she takes out Coral and Rachel as a one-two sequence. But we all know there's one thing Susan can't defend against: low blows, and that's why Charla removes her a few seconds later. Brian takes revenge by going after the only person smaller than he is, eliminating Charla. DocWill makes a house call and sends Melissa off to the health clinic to be examined for compulsive blame spreading. That brings it down to KarmaWill and Adam vs. Everybody But Susan, so at least Adam's strategy worked halfway to perfection. Chip begs for an indulgence from himself, grants it, blesses the ball to hurt none and bring only good feelings, then finally takes out KarmaWill. Matt tries to finish the game in a battle of Average Schmo Vs. Average Joe, but Adam catches the throw, bringing Evan back into the game -- with a vengeance. Joe Dodgeball immediately tells DocWill to head for the emergency room, then removes Chip when the still-blessed, nearly-caught ball drops out of his His Holiness' fingers rather than potentially chafe them by staying in his grip too long. A panicked Brian tries to throw the ball, but the flashbacks are proving too much for him and he misses Evan by a mile. Still, it helps to have friends, and Theo doesn't have flashbacks: he induces them. Down goes Evan. That brings it to Adam, His Teeth, And The Empty Air again -- except that all but one of the balls is sitting on Adam's side of the court, meaning that unless Adam throws and misses, only one green player can try to pick him off at a time. Theo tries, but Adam manages to stay out of the way before spinning on Brian, screaming 'There can be only one!', and lopping off Brian's hopes and dreams with a red rubber ball. Adam absorbs Brian's energy to become even more average than before! He is immortal, he has inside him blood of geeks! Unfortunately, he isn't invulnerable and his reflexes still suck, so his attempt to catch Theo's throw leads to a full-length sprawl onto the court, and Team Chip wins the mini-tourney.
Adam: 'Why didn't I just dodge and take a shot at him? Why didn't I use more strategy? Why was I stupid enough to go back to that airplane hangar? When will I be loved?'
Trishelle: 'Theo, you know who I am, so I'm going to talk to you. Man of the hour!'
Theo (exact quote): 'Man of the minute.' (Aw, he's humble...)
Trishelle (exact quote): 'Dodgeball's a pretty serious sport, right?'
Theo (exact quote): 'In a lot of countries.' (Now, is he stupid or just humoring her? I vote humoring. Who knows what she might do when she's angry. She might even go all-in on a full house, only to be taken out by a higher full house!)
Trishelle: 'The world needs to know about your previous dodgeball experience. Have you knocked out anyone important? Are there bounties on your head? Can we expect to see you on GSN any time soon? And will you take me with you?'
Theo: 'Well, I have a big family with a lot of balls and a lot of hatred, most of which they tried to take out on me. And no, probably, maybe, and no.'
Trishelle: 'You don't love me any more!' *runs off crying*
So after two rounds, the scores stand at:
Team Chip: 175
Team Miz: (lost playoff for third place) 125
Team Coral: 125
Team Gervase (won playoff for third place): 75
One -- two -- three -- swimsuit time.
Not so fast. Bravo presents the results of a TV Guide poll: between Heidi, Wendy, DocWill, and Dicque, who does the public think should be taken out first in a Dodgeball game? And the winner, with 42% of the vote, is -- Dicque! Next week's poll: if the dodgeball is switched for a stun gun... Okay, now we can go to the pool.
The rules: as said, each team gets five swimmers, at least two of whom have to be female. The first four will swim from one side of the pool to the other: 25 meters. The final, 'anchor' swimmer will sink to the bottom and promptly drown -- no? (Censored). But they will have to swim a full round trip of 50 meters before they call it a day, so there's that much more of a chance for something to go wrong. The next swimmer can't leave until the first one reaches the end of the lap, and you can launch yourself as far as you can manage: no 'drop-and-swim' here: it's push-and-pray. Since it's against local, state, and federal law for a reality show to have consistent rules, the team that wins this event will receive 125 points, with the standard 75-and-dropping afterwards. And Charla, who was originally slated to swim for Team Coral, has had a change of heart.
Charla: 'My body's all sore from taking five minutes' worth of quarterstaff hits earlier, plus I got pushed back and landed on my rear once, and Mirna's been coming up to me between events and whining about how much her team hates her, so I've also got an earache... I'm not quitting. I'm just sitting this one out because I'm not physically capable of performing at my best, and if you read that the wrong way, I'll mess you up.'
So the lineups for each team look like this, going from start to anchor:
Team Gervase: Victoria, Brittany, Tina, Jonathan, Boogie Mike.
Team Chip: Chip, Susan, Theo, Nikki, DocWill.
Team Miz: Burton, Mirna, Dicque, Ryan, Mikethemiz.
Team Coral: Melissa (subbing for Charla), Rachel, Evan, Adam, KarmaWill.
Coral (c-t, near-exact quote): 'My swimming strategy was to keep my black All-Star Survivor out of the water.'
Dicque: 'What place are you in now? Before you go and drop into last?'
Coral: '(Expletive deleted). (Repeat). (Ibid).'
Chris: (c-t, near-exact quote): 'We've got three girls going. Everyone else is only putting two girls in. Guys are faster, but girls are lighter.' (...and this means what exactly?)
Gervase: 'This is a two-part plan. First part: we win and somebody else is going home. Second part: to honor my sister Coral, we are going to keep my black All-Star Survivor out of the water.'
Susan: (c-t, exact quote, spoken after doing jumping jacks on camera. Wow, Dicque just turned gay! Again!) 'I'm serious. I don't have these big shoulders for nothing and I know how to use 'em.' (Ye gawds.)
Burton: 'When you hit the water, I don't care if your goggles come off, if your top comes off, if your bottom comes off -- nothing is going to stop me from taking pictures of you before you reach the finish line.'
DocWill: 'Must do push-ups. Must build up strength. Must fight for the love of my leader, the Most Reverend Chip -- my tongue! It burns! It burns!'
And three conversations:
The Bradford (near-exact quote): 'Who do you want to beat on the periwinkle team?' (Team Gervase)
Susan: 'I want to kill the bunny! Hurt Victoria! Hurt her baaaad!'
The Bradford: 'Why her?'
Susan: 'Because she got me with the staff yesterday and her airbrushing looks better than my surgery! Revenge, baby! Revenge! -- and you want to beat her husband for the same first reason!'
The Bradford (laughing, exact quote): 'No comment.'
Burton: 'Make you a bet, Jonathan. Let's change up the team orders. I'll go first leg, you go first leg, I'll touch the wall before you. A hundred dollars on it. Shake?' *offers hand*
Jonathan: 'I'm not going to bet you! I don't need to take your money to know I'm a better swimmer than you and a better person than you and have a hotter woman than you and can talk longer on one breath than you! I'll beat you anyway!'
Assorted DAWs: *chicken noises*
Jonathan: 'We'll beat you at the end of the day!'
Burton: 'So either take the bet or take the foreshadowing.' *offers hand again*
Jonathan: 'I've never been foreshadowed in my life, you (censored) (censored) (censored)...'
BachelorBob: 'So here I am, talking to Gervase, who is nowhere near as loved as me. No one is as loved as me. I am BachelorBob. I am the one. The only. The -- who was I talking to again? Oh, right. Gervase, who is not me, so no one really cares about him. Including me. Hi, Gervase! You went from the top to the bottom in one week! How does that make you feel.'
Gervase: '...you're despicable.'
BachelorBob: 'I have no idea what that means, but I'm sure it's a compliment for me, BachelorBob, because you too love me!'
Gervase: 'It means we have to win or two people from my team go home.'
BachelorBob: 'And what does that have to do with me?'
Gervase: 'I'll tell them to stay at your house.'
BachelorBob: 'Great! Send Victoria and Tina, and I'll pray for you to lose! God will listen! He loves me, you know.'
Gervase: 'We will not lose. My guys are good swimmers, my girls are good swimmers...'
BachelorBob: 'But you're not swimming.'
Gervase: 'Are you disrespecting Coral?'
BachelorBob: 'Yes. Yes, I am. She doesn't seem to love me.'
Gervase: 'I could die from not-surprise.'
And getting the race started is our special guest DAW, the woman who married a millionaire and divorced a desperate attention-seeking whore, the First Lady Of Stupid Decisions, Darva Conger!
Darva: 'On your mark -- get set -- keep getting set -- pose -- straighten your swimsuits -- hey, this is the only time I'm going to get on this show! I'm not competing! I'm just some stupid quick camera shot made so you idiots can put an extra name in the credits! If I want it to last forever, it will! You can't make me leave! There's no way I'm giving up my camera time! I'm not going to say 'go!' -- oh(censored).'
And they're off! Burton's long legs give him the best launch, and his Survivor-honed swimming skills keep that lead on the increase: he's the first to complete his lap, sending Mirna into the water, where she promptly starts losing ground to Brittany as soon as she arrives. Melissa's in last place, putting Charla's decision not to serve as a low-caliber torpedo in serious question -- in fact, Susan and Brittany swap and splash in long before Melissa even comes close to the opposite wall and sends Rachel on her way. A few seconds after that, Brittany and Mirna swap for Tina and Dicque -- and we all know what that means. Dicque has his faults and listing them would double the length of this summary, which at this point would be a really impressive feat, but there's one thing the man can do and that's move in the water. (And dance. And take off his clothes. And dance while taking off his clothes -- okay, there's one thing he can do well.) Team Miz, which had lost their lead by the time of the swap, starts to ride the Dicque's streamlined back to a near-tie, letting Ryan and Jonathan hit the water as a one-two combo. Meanwhile, Theo and Evan are in the water -- oops, make that 'Nikki and Evan', with the later's powerful kick nowhere near enough to bring the red team out of fourth.
Jonathan, much to everyone's surprise, has let his mouth write a check that his body stands a chance of only mildly overdrafting: he picks up speed and hits the opposite wall first, bringing in the first anchor for any team in the less-than-streamlined person of Boogie Mike. It's a lead of three and a half seconds -- but Ryan brings in Mikethemiz, shark-fin hairstyle and all, and that lead is going fast. (Adam's swimming now, in case you were wondering.) This is clearly between Team Miz and Team Gervase -- and Team Gervase has picked an anchor of solid steel. Compare that to Mikethemiz, who executes what I will freely call a beautiful underwater flip turn immediately after passing Boogie Mike, a turn of such perfection that it allows him to surface with a lead of about four meters -- a lead he never even comes close to giving back. Team Miz wins easily, but Team Gervase has something to fight for in the total points department: if they finish in second, they won't have to send people home. As such, Boogie Mike swims for his reality life and the five seconds he's got left -- but no worries: Team Coral is so far behind, they couldn't catch up by swapping KarmaWill for Osten and declaring auto-victory on first quit. Boogie Mike finishes ten seconds behind Mikethemiz, followed closely by DocWill and, after everyone takes a snack break, changes clothes, and saves the dorm attendants some time by making their own sleeping bags, KarmaWill.
This puts the day's final standings at:
Team Miz: 250
Team Chip: 225
Team Gervase: 150
Team Coral: 150 (lost final event, so takes sole possession of last place -- two team members will have to go home)
Trishelle: 'I'm here with someone else who has the good taste and common sense to know who I am: Mikethemiz. What's the deal with the Speedos and the swimming?'
Mikethemiz (exact quote): 'Oh, you knew about the Speedos!'
Trishelle: 'Honey, everyone on MTV knows about the Speedos. What about you, Dicque?'
Dicque (exact, gawd help us, quote) 'I just did whatever I could to look like a whale! And that helped!'
Voldy: 'Coral, tonight, you have a tough decision. You have to pick two people to send home.'
Coral: 'I know, Voldemort! I know! Do you think you could have stated the obvious this well for Kwame? Like 'My brother, obviously that phone call was about you, and here's your message'? Like that, be-yotch?'
Voldy (uncomfortable): 'So -- ummm... what are you going to do?'
Coral: 'Send two people home! Are you arrogant, overrated, and stupid? Man, I bet you're nothing without that wand of yours. In fact, the more I look at you, the more I'm convinced I could take --'
Voldy (quickly): 'But what if they send you home?'
Coral: 'They would not dare.'
Evan: 'Can't send Captain Coral home. Coral only thing protecting us from Voldemort.'
Voldy: 'Imperio!' (As Voldy has no working wand and Evan has no working brain, nothing happens. '(Censored)!' *changes tactics* 'Charla, who do you think should go home! Say Coral. I know where you live. I know where everyone lives. You cannot hide from Voldemort, because she always knows...'
Charla: 'Actually, because I sat out and Melissa did so poorly in my place, I feel like I let the team down. So I should go home.'
Voldy: 'What is wrong with you people? I'm evil! I'm terrifying! Fear me! Obey me! Fall down before me!'
KarmaWill: 'We all watched The Surreal Life last night.'
Voldy: 'Damn it!'
Melissa (c-t): 'I know what's going to happen now. They're going to say 'Let's keep Evan because he's big' and then it'll be 'Let's dump Melissa because she's the next smallest after Charla, and she can't swim, and she couldn't pull it out in Simon Says, and she did nothing in Dodgeball...' It's not fair! I shouldn't be eliminated because I didn't accomplish anything! I should be eliminated because I'm complaining about being eliminated!'
Adam (c-t): Melissa, you are the weakest link. Good-bye!'
Coral (near-exact quote): 'Evan, what do you think? We've got to send two be-yotches home today!'
Coral (c-t): 'Charla wants to go home, and I sort of don't want her dead, at least not more than I want some of these other people dead...'
Charla (c-t): 'I should have been in the water. Why didn't I trust my own thesis paper?'
Later, back in the locker room:
Coral: 'Okay, it's gonna be one boy and one girl going. Now Charla, you kind of screwed yourself, because if you hadn't blamed yourself, we all would have blamed Melissa, and I can think of three really good reasons for that, one of which took about two years to complete. But I'm all about respecting people's wishes --' (sounds of laughter in the background, presumably from the camera crew) '-- and if you want to go, you'll go. Now, for the boy...'
DunkNut: 'I've been thinking about this really hard, and I've realized that while my kids will grow up one day and might completely miss their chance to be child stars, Charla will be short forever and I have an entire lifetime to sell her to Disney. So with everyone's blessing, I'd like to take her home with me and start training up her acting skills. I won't even have to work on her foreign accents. She's already got 'doctoro' down pat!'
Evan: 'Evan want everyone to wait. Evan need people to listen. Camera people talk around Evan. Think Evan not understand English so good. Evan heard there trivia contest coming up. Evan dumb. Evan damn dumb. Evan maybe not so good for team.'
Coral: 'I don't want to turn this into a forty-five minute debate! We've only got three days of shooting time and we can't waste a minute of it! I want to tell you people what to do and have you do it! If I was going to get rid of someone because I was worried about what they might do in a game, I'd dump Adam because he still thinks his entire life is Adam vs. The Hunks and there's times when he's so intense, I think he's about to gnaw a chunk out of Mikethemiz! And he's mostly harmless!'
Adam: 'I'm sorry. I see muscles and I just want to kill things. But I channel it into trying to win!'
Coral: 'Yeah, but we're not winning! I need to cut down to a team that can come through! Have fun! Worship me on cue! So it's Charla and then -- DunkNut? Evan? Man, I've got to be the tie-breaker? That sucks.'
Later, in the Hall Of DAWness, the teams are gathering. Team Gervase and Team Coral walk in last.
Adamle: 'Let's hear it. Who's out?'
Coral: 'Charla and DunkNut. I don't understand, Adamle. I thought we were a family. A team. I thought we were going to be together forever and ever and ever -- damn it, I thought we were Korror! Everyone give it up for Charla and DunkNut!'
Adamle: 'Nice try, Ulong. But sure, applaud if you want to.' (The other teams politely applaud.)
Charla (c-t): 'I came up short -- wait. Can I put that another way --'
DunkNut(c-t): 'A child star who'll never grow up. If Disney doesn't bite, I can get us a lifetime contract with Nickelodeon! It's slime time, baby!'
Adamle: 'That's right, everybody wave bye-bye... Now we're being a little unfair here, leaving Team Coral with only six players while the rest of you have eight each. So here's what's going to happen. Out in the wings, I have two new reality all-stars -- one male, one female -- dying to come in and compete, because their clocks only have about two seconds left between them.'
Coral: 'On my team? Bring it!'
Adamle: 'Maaaaybe... because I've got a proposition for Team Miz. Since you won the day, you can play God.'
Dicque: 'What do you mean, play?'
Adamle: 'I've got four options for you. First: you could take two players off your own team, give them to Team Coral, and adopt the new players for yourself. Second: you could also tell Team Chip or Team Gervase to get rid of two players -- and you pick which two -- give them to Team Coral, and the team you tore apart gets the fresh DAW meat. Third: you could even just give the new guys to Team Coral outright and completely mess up your chance to destroy someone else or improve yourself -- and no, I'm not going to tell you anything about the new people, except that they could help a team or make it even more of a wreck than you people were to begin with. Fourth: you could take what's behind the curtain. What do you say? -- and Evan, since you're not involved in this decision, I'm not going to explain it again.'
Susan: 'The curtain! The curtain! It's always the curtain!'
Adamle: 'It's Mikethemiz's decision, Susan. Besides, it's not the washer this time.'
Susan: *pouts* 'I don't want anyone messing with my new laundry room...'
Adamle: 'Team Miz, head back to your locker room and talk it over.'
Back in the locker room:
Dicque: 'Listen, my children. I am your Father. I am the Creator. I am the Lord thy Dicque. Thou shalt have no other Dicques before me. Hark well to my wisdom, for what I tell you is true. We ourselves work well as a unit, with my low priest Mikethemiz as the head of my flock. He speaks for me and I speak through him. I reveal myself to you only in this time of crisis, and you shall remember none of this when we are done.'
The rest of the team: 'Yes, my Lord.'
Dicque: 'Speak your thoughts, and I shall guide you.'
Ryan: 'My Lord, highest among us and master of the backstabbing waters, Team Gervase scares me. Their leader walked at your side. He gained the tiniest portion of your divinity by being among The First. I fear no DAWs when I am with you, but when this is over, I will not remember, and they will make me shiver again. Could we not weaken them?
Mikethemiz: 'As I see it, my Lord, Team Coral is already weakened, and two new people will be hard to integrate into their dynamic -- did I just say that? Wow! -- so no matter who we give to them, it will not aid them. The question truly is who to weaken with this divine gift, and indeed, it must not be ourselves.'
Burton: 'My flame was extinguished, but through your grace, it was relit. I will follow your words until it goes out for the last time.'
Dicque: 'Strategize unto me, dear ones. Do we weaken the Chip, who walks in the shadows of goodness and honesty and knows not of my light, or the Gervase, who carries a spark of me in him -- a spark that believes itself to be the whole of the flame?'
The Bradford: 'My Lord, through your grace, I will have survived on a show longer than I have ever survived before, and I follow you. Yet I am afraid. These new people -- what if they, too, are disciples of yours, and strong in their faith?'
Dicque: 'You are all my children, weak and strong alike -- but some are much weaker than others. Fear not, for I am with you always.'
Mikethemiz: 'Then let us plot to see who shall be weakened by addition, and who shall be hurt by subtraction -- this is so cool! -- until our Lord's work is done...'
An oddly revitalized, slightly luminescent Team Miz returns to the Hall of DAWness.
Adamle: 'Call it, Mikethemiz.'
Mikethemiz: 'First off, screw the curtain. Second, I never really thought Team Coral was a threat anyway because I've been checking the history of our predecessors and there's no trash talking contest. They're the weakest among us and my goal is to keep them weak. So I'm going to mess up their chemistry with a swap, and hope it takes the team I'm wrecking more time to work their new people in than they've got. So with Dicque's blessing --' *blink* '-- why did I say that? -- we're hitting the light blues -- Gervase and Tina, report to Coral!'
Coral: 'Yeah! Gervase! Tina! It could have been so much worse! -- I think...'
Chris (c-t): 'Ladies and gentlemen in the audience, television's first televised group rape. There'd better be another twist before this (censored) is over.'
Rachel (c-t): 'I love my new teammates and I'd say that even if it didn't get me just the second line I've had on the entire show tonight.'
Boogie Mike (c-t): 'We are deader than Chilltown. You know what's gonna happen next...'
Jonathan (to Boogie Mike, whispered): 'I'm captain! I'm captain! Don't even think about it! Just follow me and I'll lead you to places you never thought you could go, and you'll carry my backpack through all of them! I always knew God liked me best!'
Adamle: 'That's half of the nightmare. Why don't we bring in the other half now and show Team Jonathan what they're really in for? DAWs -- come on out!'
And that's my cue. After LibraRising's marathon introduction effort of the first episode, the least I can do is bring two DAWs back into your night terrors -- so it's my relative privilege to re-introduce:
Jerri Manthey, Survivor: Australia, Survivor: All-Stars, The Surreal Life and, because there's a bit of really mild comedy to it, Extreme Dodgeball, so where was she when Formerly-Team Gervase really needed her? This is the woman who may or may not have planted the beef jerky so very long ago, but we'll never be sure because Amber ate the evidence, marking the only thing she ate that entire season. (It certainly wasn't going to be Keith's rice.) This is the once-and-former be-yotch who was the victim of one of the most complete blindsides in Survivor history, going out with absolutely no knowledge of her impending doom. It did, however, teach her a lesson. After a brief stopover on The Surreal Life to get her priorities in order -- said priorities, properly ordered, being something that would never include going to the Surreal Estate again, because Janice might be there -- she returned to MB's tender clutches with a new personality and goal: outlast Colby. The new personality held up for about half as long as it took her to achieve the goal. Since then, she's been drifting around looking for any kind of work she can get, because her personal clock was at 15:01 and Bravo rewound it a couple of ticks. She can compete, she wants to prove herself, and she'll do anything to get reset all the way back to around the 8:37 marker. This isn't the worse acquisition in the world.
This is. David Daskal, Average Joe Hawaii. A cloud of hair, a flash of glasses, a waft of pure dorkiness fumigating the air -- could it be? Is there any way to avoid it being? If we all drop and pray to Dicque, will He stop this? No, for the Dicque is a vengeful power, and this is his revenge on the creation of his former disciple. David Daskal, the man who would woo a model (and you have to put a serious question mark after 'man'), has the athletic abilities of a beached squid. This is very slightly coincidental, because with his hair in its standard configuration and the light blue tunic to come, he's also going to look like one. Chris c-t calls him 'Howard Stern', but that's completely unfair because Howard's smarter, wittier, and actually works out. (Both Mikethemiz and Chip completely crack up when David dances in, both realizing how close they came -- and how much fun it's going to be seeing David inflicted on someone else.) David is a hopeless romantic. In fact, David is a lot of things, all of which have the word 'hopeless' preceding them, with the list including 'dresser', 'competitor', and, most importantly here, 'loser'. He is Dicque's Gift To The Light Blues, and they're going to be the Deep Blues from now on, emotionally if not in hue, which means Jonathan has just taken custody of a train moving head-on towards a cliff at two hundred miles per hour, and the brake just came off in his hand.
I love this show.
Mikethemiz: 'Hallelujah!' (Ditto.)
Chris (c-t): 'I'm telling you, I'm going after Mikethemiz for the rest of this competition. He is mine. I am targeting him in every event. There's no price too large to pay if I can get back at him for destroying my team -- oh my god. I care. I actually care about getting him! Gepetto! It finally happened! I joined the Light Blue Fairies, and now I'm a real boy!'
Adamle: 'Two DAWs enter, two DAWs leave. It's the circle of life -- and it moves me to tell you that in the next competition, you'd better fight to avoid last place. Because whatever team comes in last, goes out first. Score the least points, and your entire team goes home!'
All DAWs: *deep, horrified silence*
Adamle: 'I have no career, and I have no pity. But I am having a hell of a good time. Good night!'
Next week on Battle of the Network Reality Stars: the fallout of adding David begins to be felt -- in spades. Also in Go-Cart, Football, and Track. Rachel manages to win some camera time with the best tactic a Swan knows: the near-breakdown. Nikki gets intense. The Dicque breaks out the Fire Touchdown Dance 2005, so bring your trauma kits. Adam starts to realize he's surrounded by idiots, and if you let a bunch of idiots surround you, exactly where do you stand? And VolsFan explains it all to you.
I'm Estee, your summary commentator, wishing you peace, satisfaction, and -- of all things -- a second season. Good night!