Previously on American Idol: Rob and Amber take a chance on a flight to Frankfort without confirmed connecting tickets. Rob and Kelly follow them like sheep. No one has any luck driving a double-decker bus. Meredith and Gretchen finally hear the words “I’m sorry to say you’ve been eliminated.”

Sorry. That was previously on The Amazing Race. Actually, that’s following on The Amazing Race. But thanks to the wonder of digital video recording, I watched TAR first.

Previously on American Idol:

Constantine made perhaps the most atrocious song choice ever by an Idol, a choice that allowed Scott Savol to continue his Trias like rise to the top three. The Idols taped forgettable opening segments for their songs. Of course, that’s nothing new. And Anthony felt the urge to climb the clock tower after the role he was asked to play in the Ford commercial.

I’m altering my standard method of doing a summary. Rather than watching the show twice before starting to write, and then slowly watching and rewatching while writing, I’m going for more of a live blogging thing. Let’s hope it works.

Performance Night

We open with Seacrest babbling about there being only five contestants left and asking who will get our votes tonight. This, as always, is followed by the opening credits that Fox got at the CGI ‘r’Us dollar store. The credits end, the audience roars and raises the signs they were given shortly before the show began, and we are underway. I wonder if judges’ introductions will come first? Randy flashes a gang sign, Paula is looking exceptionally lucid, and Simon went with the gray t-shirt tonight. Seacrest next goes to the Coke room to bait the Idols into guessing what the next theme is. We have two themes – the songs of Lieber and Stoller (prompting the first of several dull expressions on Scott’s face) and songs from a current Billboard Top 40 chart. Bo, unsurprisingly, knows some Lieber and Stoller songs.

After the break, Seacrest has a brief introduction of the work of Lieber and Stoller. Anthony leads off with Poison Ivy. He chose it because it’s wacky and fun like he is. Right. It’s immediately apparent that Anthony is making a big plea for Constantine’s fan base. Considering how well they turned out for Constantine last week, this might not be the best decision. He’s wearing a red shirt and looking all the world like a Target cashier on break. He gives the camera some looks, gives the audience some moves, and goes for a big finish.

Randy says he is looking for a winning performance. He adds that Anthony was flat and the performance did nothing for him. Paula says the song is one of her favorite Lieber and Stoller tunes, but adds that she’s looking forward to Anthony’s second performance which is going to be a ballad. Simon correctly states that this means Paula didn’t like it. Simon says it was insipid and amateurish which, quite frankly, is an insult to insipid amateurs everywhere.

We go to break, and Seacrest says we’ll be back with Scotty the Body and the Vonz. Scotty the Body.

Eww.

We’re back, and it’s Scott singing On Broadway. He says he chose On Broadway because it has meaning since last week Simon told him to pack his bags and he’s not leaving until he becomes a star on Broadway. Dood. You want a song that has meaning for you? Two words. Jailhouse Rock.

Unlike most Scott haters, I gladly acknowledge that he has some natural talent. Indeed, this performance of On Broadway might be the best thing he’s done in the competition. If this were the first time I had heard him, I would think he was the class of the group. But class and Scotty are words that do not go together. For one thing, he chose to sing the song directly to Simon. It cracked Simon up, but nonetheless it was such an egotistical, arrogant act that it lessened the quality of the performance for me. For another, he can’t take criticism at all. When Randy pointed out that there were some flat notes, Scott reacted with a look of disgust even though Randy was using that as a basis to launch his praise of the performance. His absolutely shameless manipulation of his life story to elicit sympathy votes is another thing that ticks me off.

And while I’m ranting, how can Paula both use the word “moxie”, channeling Eve Arden, and then say that she has never heard a version of On Broadway other than George Benson’s and that the song was made for him. Hello? The Drifters? HELLO!

Oh, and Simon said it was Scott’s best performance to date. (Scott dull look moments two and three – Paula using the word moxie and Simon saying Scott has had more escapes than Houdini.)

Vonzell sings Treat Me Nice. Eh. Eh. Eh. Let’s not speak of this performance again.

Randy says it was one of the best vocals out of a song he barely knows and that she was incredible. Paula (Palua?) says Vonzell is the consummate performer. Simon says he felt it was a bit of a mess.

Back from break. Bo is doing Stand By Me. Maybe Carrie will sing Jailhouse Rock. The song starts, and it truly feels magical. The version owes more to Sam Cooke than Ben E. King, and Bo is singing the carp out of the song. And…and…He’s singing it right to me. I know it! HE IS! It’s one of the best performances of the competition, right up there with Fantasia’s Summertime.

The judges will probably hate it.

Nope. Randy says Bo always picks the right song and he is definitely on his way. Paula says he colored the song up with Bo. I don’t know what that means either. Simon says he has nothing to add to what Paula and Randy said and that Bo picked the best song by far.

Carrie. Carrie Carrie Carrie. She’s singing Trouble, a real sassy song. Now I like Carrie’s singing, but her performances have left something to be desired. Not tonight. Tonight someone has turned the fembots movement knob to high (no, that’s not code), and Carrie is really working the song. Randy says her song choice was great and she sung the song. Paula said it was fun to see a different side of Carrie. Simon said that at this stage of the competition you have to give your fans what they want. Listening Constantine?

Another break. The second theme is hits from this week’s Billboard Top 40 charts. I can hardly wait. After all, songs from 2000-2005 produced such high quality work last week.

Anthony is singing some sensitive power ballad. I’m guessing the song is titled Incomplete. The performance is okay, but nothing special. Once again, it’s targeted at the fan base he used to share with Constantine. If that entire voting bloc goes Anthony’s way and does actually vote, he’s a contender for the top spot.

Randy says that the performance compared to the Backstreet Boys it was a 5 out of 10. Paula says that is the problem with singing group songs. Simon says Anthony made a great song choice.

Scott, in the taped opening, says that although he used to dress himself, the cool thing about being on American Idol is that now he has a fashion coordinator to help him put outfits together to make him more appealing to people. Whoever the fashion coordinator is, they are overpaid. And the song. Wow. As good as the first performance was, this one is bad. Off-key. Flat. Poor tempo. And the song has the lyrics “See I don’t give a damn what my homies say”. You know, if the ballad you’re thinking about singing, ballad mind you, has the word “homies” in it, maybe it’s time to find something else to sing. This? Was horrid. Putrid. The judges will no doubt love it.

Randy says he pulled it out again. (The phone cord? His unit? What?) Paula says she had joy watching Scott have joy. At lease she didn’t say that he colored it up with Scott, cause I would have had to go Elvis on the tv screen if she had. Scott says he came up to do his thing for Simon. Simon says Scott was more flat than he was in tune, and Scott again looks like he is going to fight. When asked by Seacrest what he will be thinking at the results show, Scott says that he will be thinking about what song to sing next week.

Scott is the reincarnation of Matt Rodgers with a little more talent, a lot more attitude, and a lot less charisma.

Vonzell sings. I don’t know what she sings. Modern music, at least modern rock and pop and soul, svcks. (I’m hoping Carrie and Bo dip into the country charts. There’s much better music to be found there.) Tell Me That You Love Me? Again, it’s an eh performance for me. Randy of course will love it, as will Paula, and Simon will say it could have been better.

Randy says he loved it. Paula loved it. Simon said it could have been better. He says everyone of Vonzell’s voters will need to come out tonight to keep her in. Simon, of course, is right. Vonzell is in the most danger. We’re headed for a Scott-Anthony Final Two, and you know what that means. Fabulous ratings for the Rob and Amber wedding and untouchable ratings for the Lost finale.

Bo does Los Lonely Boys. This counts as country in my book. Once again it’s a great performance, though a bit of a drop off from the first vocal. I wonder how tough it is to sing twice in this format. No one has done two great performances yet.

Randy says Bo is the captain of the dog pound. Paula says Bo looks fantastic and is fantastic. (Captain Fantastic? Does that make Scott the Brown Dirt Cowboy?) Simon gooses Paula and says Bo is acting and singing like the real thing and is making other singers look like amateurs (coughcoughscottcoughcoughanthonycoughcough).

Carrie closes with The Broken Road by Rascal Flatts. It’s a good performance – she seems to be channeling Tricia throughout it. She, Bo, and Vonzell are distinct enough from each other and from anyone else that they shouldn’t be sharing a fanbase.

Randy says that Carrie knows who she is. Paula loved the performance. Simon said the vocal was great, but the performance a bit robotic. Hey! That’s my joke! You don’t see me wearing black t-shirts and goosing Paula Abdul, do you? No. So stay away from my lines.

Seacrest recaps, my opinion of the performances doesn’t change, and we’ll be back tomorrow night for the results show. Vote early, vote often!

Results Show

I missed the first few minutes because of Lost, and you know what? I don’t care. Here’s what happened. Ryan talked about the number of votes cast. He then talked to the judges. Someone, or some group of someones, sung something. Ryan then said something about finding out who goes home after the break. Oh, and then after the break, there was a cheesy Ford commercial followed with Ryan pimping your chance (and mine too, I guess) to see the Idol final live by doing something at Idolonfox in regards to the Ford commercial. There may also have been a plug for the Top Ten tour in there someplace.

Am I close?

So now the contestants are sitting in carefully chosen places on the benches. The audience is Kremlin-watching the placement on the benches in a manner that would do George Schultz proud. Eventually, after reviewing the previous night’s performances one last time and perhaps getting one last bit of judge’s comments, Ryan announces that he is going to form two groups, one on his left and one on his right. He reads the names until there are two groups of two. I’m betting one of the groups is Bo and Carrie and the other group is Anthony and Vonzell. He will then either ask Scott to pick a group or tell us that we will find out where Scott goes after the break.

How am I doing now?

Okay, I’m stopping to speculating now. I’m assuming I’ve been pretty damn close. That’s because the biggest surprise that could ever come out of an AI results show would be them giving us the result in the first five minutes. Barring that, it is perhaps the most formulaic and padded thing on TV.

So where did I go wrong? Well, I never would have guessed that Ryan would come out in one of Tom Hanks’ spare Forrest Gump outfits. I also could not have known that, after they were done singing, Carrie and Vonzell would bring flowers to Paula. A simple, sweet gesture. Also, Seacrest formed two groups in a different manner. It’s worth going over.

The Idols were in a row, Carrie, Bo, Scott, Vonzell, and Anthony. Seacrest started with Anthony, telling him to go to the couches. Vonzell is told to stay standing on stage. Scott is told to go over to the couches.

Here is the difference between Anthony and Scott. When Anthony walked over, the mic picked up him saying “It’s not over yet”. His face had a quizzical expression. When Scott walked over, he did the Sammy Sosa “praise God” motion, clapped his hands, smiled, and kept saying wow. Scott is clearly thinking he’s safe. Anthony’s thinking the same thing I’m thinking – the couch isn’t necessarily the safe spot. It’s not over until somebody sings.

Ryan continues, telling Bo to stay on stage. Carrie is told the same thing. Ryan then turns to the audience and says, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your top three. The two on the couch are the bottom two.” Like we didn’t see that coming.

After the break, both Scott and Anthony sing. Scott sings “Everytime You Go Away” (and not the good, Paul Young one) again. Dood. On Broadway was the best thing you’ve sung all season. Why not that again? When he finishes, Ryan asks the judges what they think. Randy correctly states that the threesome of Bo, Carrie, and Vonzell are where they should be. Paula says Scott was Scott. Ryan asks Simon why Scott was top three last week when Simon told him to pack his bags and is bottom two this week when Simon told him he gave his best performance. Well, maybe it’s because there are people willing to do the exact opposite of what Simon says. Instead of saying that, Simon says it’s tough to take Ryan seriously “dressed like that”. Good point. One keeps expecting Ryan to say that Idol is like a box of chocolates. If Scott starts talking about different ways to prepare shrimp, I’m turning the television off faster than you can say Lt. Dan.

Anthony sings the Backstreet Boys again. Thank God. I couldn’t have taken Poison Ivy again. And our results? After the break.

Finally, the end. Ryan turns to Anthony and tells him he has bad news. He pauses, then states that he forgot to get Anthony a birthday card. On the other hand, they have a birthday present. He’s safe for another week. Scott is going home.

Now, I had hoped to get the Scott exit episode so I could write about the Kong-like fit he threw. But he actually takes it pretty well. Shrugging it off, he closes the show with On Broadway. Not as strong as it was the night before, but not bad. And with that, we close.

Special Bonus Episode Summary – Fallen Idol on ABC

So somehow, Fox worked a deal with ABC to keep Idol coverage on this Wednesday night going with a Primetime Live special. (That’s some sweet cross-promotion they’ve got there. ABC is probably hoping Bo gets the boot and a lot of disgruntled viewers turn the dial to them.

So, now Primetime. Here is the summary. brak, brak, brak, Corey Clark, brak brak brak, recording album, brak, brak, brak, book deal, brak, brak, brak, gloss over crimes, brak, brak, brak, phone number slipped into his hand, brak, brak, brak, coached him and picked out songs and picked out clothes, brak, brak, brak, why doesn’t anyone ever mention that Desperate Housewives has the same logo as Picket Fences?, brak, brak, brak, song lyrics that tell story of his real life dilemma, brak, brak, brak, nailing Paula Abdul, brak, brak, brak, who the ##### cares, brak, brak, brak, much ado about nothing, brak, brak, brak, the only phone records that would matter would be records of Paula making a couple million calls to keep Corey Clark in the competition, brak, brak, brak, the music in Lost relies heavily on brass instruments, brak, brak, brak, booted from the competition for LYING, brak, brak, brak, no-talent hack, hack, hack, why would it matter what other people who were booted thing, brak, brak, brak, Paula didn’t even use her pick to save him, brak, brak, brak, sensationalism and exploitation, brak, brak, brak, even if all the charges against her are true it doesn’t amount to anything more than a lapse of judgment and not something wrong with Idol Brak, BRak, BRAk, BRAK, BRAK, BRAK, BRAK!

There. Did I miss anything?