Hello to all of you fat-a$$ed lazy ladies, especially you Dr. Stan Muffin Man!!! I'm so excited to be here!!!

::pulls on left leg of short shorts to remove wedgie::

One of my best friends, Gopher from The Love Boat, told me about this wonderfully superb race that y'all are putting together! Oh Please, Please Pleeeeeaaaassseee let me help!! I can show you all how make exercise FUN, FUN, FUN!! You know it can be fun don't you?? Even if you pull a hamstring or sprain your ankle, all you have to do is SMILE and it magically heals itself!! Even pain is fun!!

::waves hands in the air and does a happy dance::

::sudden wave of emotion change::

::eyes well up with tears::

Exercise equals love. I just want you to love yourselves like I love me. I love me so much. I love my body, I love my hair, and I especially love my dainty striped tank tops and short shorts. Oh, and I love my turned down bobby socks and I love my pointy exercise shoes. Can you all feel the love? I hope so.

::grabs several tissues from the Kleenex box::

Oh, Dr. Muffin Man...look at you!! See everyone?? Dr. Stan knows how to love himself. Look at his short shorts!! Only a truly wimpy sensitive man can look this good wearing this god-awful atrocious outfit. Don't forget your pointy shoes my little Muffin!

Do you ladies really want to love yourselves? Because again, I love me so much that...HEY!! OUUUCCCHHHH!!! LET GO OF MY HAIR!! QUIT b!tch SLAPPING ME!! Who is this blonde lady with the weird eyebrows??? I did what??? I stole your mantra?? What mantra?? Ladies, make her stop!!! Help me Dr. Muffin Man!!