Bachelorettes in Alaska #5:Exs and Hos

Previously on BiA (aka, Tarts in the Tundra) stupid people did stupid things on episode 4.

Our episode begins on a low note as we see Blandrea and Kristian spoon. Kristian basically just reiterates that he’s only with Blandrea because he wants an east lay, and Blandrea insinuates that she’s done “things never done before” with Kristian. Our first “No freakin Sh!t” moment of the night (there are many more, trust me) comes when Blandrea says that the worse thing is that her parents will think she’s disrespecting herself, like whatever gave them THAT idea? Just because Blandrea is on FOX-sanctioned mockery of the sacred bond between two people and is totally deluding herself just so some slimy jerk can walk all over her? Geez, Parents Just Don’t Understand, huh? CeSilly actually seems pretty comfortable with Will, though, by her standards, he’s MAULING her and all (they’re cuddling). More cuddling shots and blah-blahing about “luv” with Rebekah and Jason. Next we cut to Brent and Mrs. Brent (as Sissie probably has tattooed on her ass). She’s trying to figure out how to make her life “work around his.” Hear that loud squeal? That’s the sound of every feminist on earth howling in shame about how far we’ve apparently come in equality in a relationship, because I mean really!. But then they remember that this show promoted itself as a chance for the women to “turn the tables” and other forms of pseudo-empowerment, so all is well. Also note that while Brent likes Sissie, he seems to want to take things slow, while Sissie probably has already had her stuff moved into Brent’s place after their first date.

Group Sex…er, I mean date (hey I have to do SOMETHING to liven up this catastrophe of a show) at the Alaskan Sealife Center. After some “Hey I can see this crap on Discovery Channel, so bring on more of the carnality” footage of the sea life, CeSilly, in an interview mentions AGAIN, that she needs to tell her new Man on Ice about Timgate. Um, on second thought, maybe I would prefer to focus on those sea urchins again. No freakin Sh!t moment #2: Will says that he likes CeSilly, but she seems to have had “a little drama” with her previous relationships. Rebekah does some unnecessary commentary on Will & CeSilly’s blossoming romance (or something) but she’s penalized for illegal use of the word “vibe” (which should be amended in the bill to congress along with “connection” and “detox”, that bans these words from ever being used on a reality show again.)

The Whorethern Light Lodge. The host, Probst-jism, meets our intrepid couples to tell them that surprise, all the previous guys they dumped are back and waiting in the lodge. We get overdramatic flashbacks to remind us of the (apparently) sorry state of the Alaskan dating pool. After commercials, we meet the losers all over again. Tim 2, Electric Boogaloser is still talking about his stupid drinking-out-of-the-shoe, and he obviously decided that that will be his “hook” for those wondering why he’s still single. Cecile talks about how “awkward” it must be for Tim 1, because remember she’s “over” him. She spent three hours last week telling us. Tim 1 actually repeats NFS moment #1 by saying he shied away from CeSilly because he was afraid that he would embarrass his family by having a relationship on TV. Um…too late, you tool! I don’t get why embarrassing a (admittedly annoying) woman on TV and looking like a tool is suppose to be better than that other option we sane people call NOT GOING ON THE DAMN SHOW IN THE FIRST PLACE. Sheesh! Then the second meeting of the Rebekah Fan Club comes to order, as Rebekah makes a guest appearance with all the guys who pleaded for her and got rejected. Probst-Jism announces there will be a “special Alaska dinner.” and the girls have an hour to get ready.

In one of the girls’ cabin, CeSilly and Blandrea and Rebekah compliment each other’s outfits and bodies, with comments like, “I’ll do you in that dress.” Did Cinemax teach you nothing FOX? If you’re going to do the whole “Faux Lesbianism for Het-boy titillation” thing, then you need to use attractive women, not ragged drama queens.

6:30. Whorethern Light. All the men are sitting, waiting there and there’s a joke about it being Brent’s Bachelor party, as if Sissie wouldn’t just skip that step altogether and just forge his name on the marriage certificate or something. Although FOX was kind enough to provide the whores (except on this show they’re called “Bachelorettes.”) Probst-jism tells the men that a 2nd Man on Ice will be chosen, making this the THIRD crappy reality show that has fucked up the rules (ie. a napkin someone hastily written on) by bringing back people we never wanted to see again. Sigh. Now the meal of We Have To Do Something to Keep Up With Fear Factor starts and it turns out the guys just watch the gals eat “traditional” (is anyone else’s BS meter going off?) Alaskan delicacies like “moose strips” and soup with eyeballs and basically laughing at the women. Wow, if this doesn’t get Ms. Magazine’s “Show of the Year” award then I know that contest is fixed. Karen (who?) mentions that dinner was an uncomfortable experience, what with the stick up her ass and everything. Nevertheless though, I DO have to say that forcing down “Alaskan Ice Cream” (berries mixed with whale blubber) while a bunch of disenfranchised jerks hoot and holler does sound unpleasant. And MORE than a little creepy. Anyway, Blandrea nearly chokes on a bone. Kristian just grins, because he’s use to seeing Blandrea do that. NFS moment #3: The Kris Kristofferson-looking reject thinks that Kristian and Andrea “don’t seem to have a real tight connection.” Presumably he means went they’re not under the shots. Kristian does an interview that bottom-lines that he doesn’t really care about Blandrea. Tim 2 seems to be enjoying this a bit to much and he eye-stalks everyone and creeps everyone out. I hope everyone remembers there “Pot & Kettle” jokes when CeSilly says that she thinks “Tim (2) is still a little bitter.” Because if ANYONE should know it’s the High Priestess of Bitterness. Will, in an interview, now mentions that Tim 2 was talking sh!t about him and he said some things too. At dinner Will points out that Tim is a reject and everyone laughs at him because he’s such a loser and all. But our resident stalker just thinks that Will is digger a hole for himself or something, because CeSilly surely won’t be impressed by Will making fun of Tim 2, right? Whatever, Tim2! You’re basically the lodge’s verbal piñata. CeSilly confirms this by saying that Tim is a big dilhole. Outside, Tim 2 tells Tim 1 how funny it was that these “uppity city girls” were trying to swallow “Alaskan food.” A big PUH-LEAZE to Tim 2. Like the Alaskan Ben & Jerry’s is stocked with cartons Chubby Blubby ice cream or the Alaskan McDonalds has a sandwich called the “Big Moose” or something. I didn’t see your “native” ass eating any of it. God, this guy might as well cut off his penis now, because after this episode gets out, he’s never going to use it again.

(Non) Reality-check. The five Men on Ice have to leave the room, because tonight drama-manufacturing event involves the men asking the women questions (read: hash out their petty stupid feelings of bitterness and cause lots of fights.) Kenny Rogers-look-a-like, mentions that he had feelings for Sissie, but realized that she already lifted her leg and marked her territory all over Brent. Troy is into Rebekah. Mike, the Pillsbury Snow-Boy slides down further on the slippery slope of America’s esteem by stating that he’s attracted to CeSilly’s “spunkiness. Que? Jack ask the girls if any of they would really move to Alaska. Um no, idiot. Sissie says she would though, because this is where Mount St. Brent is, and she still has yet to climb it. Matt, desperate to reclaim his title as the dorkiest man on the show from Tim 2, mentions that Karen wouldn’t move out here, and he realized that he was just wasting his time with him and he “moved on” which, I guess is Matt-speak for “She thought I was a creep.” Although Terry doubts it, Rebekah mentions that she would move for love, but tacks on a “for pure love, true love.” so in other words, that’s a “Hell no” on her part. Oh god! Tim 2 asks a question. It’s of course suitably creepy, about what would be the gals ideal characteristics in a man would be, including “size,” like keep your genital insecurity issues to yourself dude. He also includes “manners and “value of ring,” which last time I check wasn’t a “characteristic” of a person. Whichever politician this guy works for, really needs to fire him now. Everyone just looks at Tim 2 like the freak he is. Cecile points out that it doesn’t matter and she wouldn’t marry a guy just for the size of his ring. See, Tim 2, like those sex manuals say, it’s not the size of the ring, it’s how he uses it that counts. Blandrea has similar sentiments. Tim 2, the rat keeps baiting them with this, because he obviously is trying to prove that they are shallow and superficial and embarrass them and stuff. Yet even the shallowest person wouldn’t fall for Tim’s ruse. Sissie finally does answer the question, just to shut him the hell up. Some guy asks if they would pick the Men on Ice at a bar. Sissie, of course says she would. CeSilly said she’d pick Tim 1 (aka the guys she DIDN’T want to talk about for three hours.) Tim Two asks if Tim 2 wanted to drink out off her shoe, like GIVE IT A REST, will ya, you tool. CeSilly Tim 2 a psycho right to his face and everyone laughs at the poor boy who will never get any ever again. Tim 2 snots something about Cecile not being very “well-read” just so we can add “artsy snob” to his long, long list of flaws. Finally, Troy ask what would be their ideal “Alaskan date” or something. By the way, let me point out that Thaddeus (aka X-treme Charlie Brown) is wearing some god awful chain-mail shirt, going for that “Sir Rave-a-lot” look that would be perfect for a Middle Ages club or something. Someone thinks of asking Blandrea about keeping the same man, but she just gives a lot of the non-answer BS about “sticking with things through the end, and “intimate connections” and blah, blah, blah, evasive answers, blah that she’s been saying before.

After the commercials, we see the Men on Ice becoming the Men in Jacuzzi as Kristian says for the hundredth time that he doesn’t see himself having a future with Blandrea. Naturally of course we hear interviews that tell us that everyone seems to know this except Blandrea. Despite seemingly having fun with Patrick and his Elton John glasses, Blandrea heads back to her cabin with Kristian for some pasty-face lovin. Andrea actually suggest not doing it for once, and Kristian just ups and leaves since that’s the only reason he’s with her. Andrea tells us she’s “kind of miffed” about that. Oooh, looked who FINALLY hoped aboard the clue train. (Don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll hope right back off when that train reaches its Delusion burg stop.) The guys sing some corny “Alaskan folk song.” and Keith (who reminds me of Shakes) realizes that Blandrea is his easiest shot at staying in the game.

There is a “twist” in this weeks Double Dare-reject stunts. This time the girls are seeing are competing to see who will get to choose the 2nd Man on Ice first (oh I guess this is the “role-reversial“ thing they were alluding to. ) Axe-throwing contest, which Blandrea wins. The girls skeet shoot and CeSilly wins by pretending the clay pigeons are Tim 2’s head. Surprisingly Karen actually does stuff and wins the fish catching contest. Tie-breaking fish catching finds Andrea the overall winner. She picks Patrick, the guy she said she had the most fun with. Oh wait, that’s what she would have done if she had any sense. She picks Keith. The guys know have to make a single line behind the girl they want to be with. Karen picks Mike. (And can I mention that Matt who just got through talking about his horrible date with Karen is standing eagerly in her line. Dork!) CeSilly, is actually (get this) surprised and disappointed that Tim 1, the guy that she says she didn’t want to talk about, wasn’t in her line, because you know she still had more things she wanted to not say to him. So CeSilly picks the Pillsbury Snow-Boy, still wearing his goofy jester cap (well if the hat fits…) Tim 1 went into Rebekah’s line because at this point everyone hated her and avoiding her line and he thought that she should have someone stand behind her and also because He wanted to avoid that walking soap opera known as “Cecile.” Well jokes on him, because, our evil little flirt picks him as her 2nd man on ice. Gee, that would put him right back near CeSilly, which I’m sure is just a coincidence right? The camera’s just miss the producers putting another 2,000 dollars in Rebekah’s dowry for stirring up sh!t with her potential decision, but they do catch Tim 1 looking like he’s planning his escape route from the drama vortex that is CeSilly. Surprisingly Sissie has the most men in her line. She picks X-Treme Charlie Brown, like it matters.

Next week: Here comes the bride…