Bachelorettes in Alaska: Episode 4 Cold Hearted Flakes

Previously on Bachelorettes in Alaska, episode #3 happened.

Tonight episode, we see the ho-sicles talking with the guy in the Norther Light lodge. Cecile admits that she just wanted to get rid of Tool Tim, and chose Tim 2: Electric Bogalusa (aka Renaissance Geek Tim, based on the flowing pirate shirt he STILL insist on wearing.) Tim 2, ever the optimist just tells us that Cecile is still “detoxing.” Um Tim dear, this isn’t Bachelorettes in Alcohol Anonymous (uh-oh, I think I just gave, FOX a new idea for a series, and on the same vein, you could make a drinking game when were you chug one down every time Tim talks about Cecile “detoxing”)

Day 13. Kristian, Andrea’s “man on ice” (and you just know puffy-lipped Kristian is just praying for an early thaw) comments on how Brent and Sissie really seem to be hitting it off. Because after having it mentioned a thousand times, FOX still thinks it’s too “subtle” for us. Sissie and Brent blah, blah some more about their stupid relationship, but they say THE SAME DAMN THING WE’VE BEEN HEARING ABOUT FOR THE PAST 4 SHOWS NOW, so there’s know need to comment on it again. (although I should point out that only a few days have past, yet Sissie is already figuring out if she should but the “Property of Brent” tattoo on her left breast or right) Anyway, they say all this in interviews while snowboarding. Cecile is surprised that Rebekah actually kept Jason. Rebekah loves that Jason’s a “goofball” and that she loves people who can make her laugh. If Rebekah wants a laugh, she should just mention her “age” again. Or find someone to make her laugh by looking in the mirror because she’s ReButterface, if ya know what I mean. Jason says that Rebekah always wants to fight in the snow And Jason says “She’s not gonna win.” Ok, time to let my pretentious English-major roots show, but that statement seems like it was being used as a metaphor for their relationship, like there’s this type of Taming of the Shrew thing going on. And yet this is probably the HEALTHIEST of the “relationships” going on right now. Chew on THAT for a minute.

Cecile and Tim 2 have dinner. Tim says he’s attracted to her and likes her voice. “She could whisper in my ear and it’d be a lullaby” he actually says. Ugh. I guess I have nothing to worry about because HE’S the king of pretensions English majors (ok, more like the court jester.) Cecile, says she loved his Shakespearian sonnet. Tim asks about “what happened” last episode where Cecile acted like a drama queen and Tim 1 acted like a jerk. Oh but Cecile “doesn’t want to talk about it. So she doesn’t “talk about it.” For over three hours. Yep she doesn’t want to talk about how Tim is such a jerk and how he hurt her, oh and she’s SO “over” him, and that oh no, she ISN’T a bitter drama queen who won’t let go, nosiree bob, you won’t hear her mentioning it. In fact after all this “not talking about Tim”, she concludes with, “But I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” Which she then precede to NOT talk about Tim some more. Because see, it’s totally behind her, and she doesn’t want to “bring it up again.” Tim, somehow, resisting the urge to stab CeSilly with his fork and force to go with staring goonily at her, doesn’t agree with CeSilly’s assessment that she “didn’t want to talk about it.” Why, he proclaims in an interview, that that rehashed it that overblown scenario for hours. That can’t be because we see CeSilly, NOT “talking about it.” Some more. Because she has “closure” and clearly doesn’t “feel ill will against .” It’s not like she talked about him acerbically for over three hours or anything. (it certainly feels like three hours on THIS side of the TV that’s for sure.) Then we get black and white footage of all the couples spooning, except Cecile, who’s resigned to her bed alone, just hoping that she packed extra batteries.

Day 14. It’s 6 degrees for those who care. New fresh (oops, I mean “stale, rotting and swarming with ecoli“) meat appear to make fools of themselves in the name of “luv.” First off it’s Keith 38, who looks somewhat similar to an older version of a certain reality-TV-clown we all know and love (I think his name is Krusty or something. I dunno.) Next up is Will, 29, a teacher who wants a women who’s “independent” (Um…not on this show, bub) yet also willing to be in a partnership. CeSilly shows her loyalty by tossing Will a couple of “Phuck me” glances. Mike, 38, is a park ranger (dang these guys are older than your average romantic reality Tv-show whores, aren’t they?) Poor, Brad, 43, unfortunately doesn’t realize that he’s about 17 years too late to join the “Magnum PI moustache” trend. Anyway he gives the “standards” for his list of qualities he likes in a girl, but then adds, “she’s gotta be hot.” Hopefully she’ll be “hot” enough to burn that Village-Person facial hair right off his face. So, whatever, “pops.” This time they have to chop wood (Yay! More axe fun! Maybe Jason Vorhees will be the next “man on ice” huh?) and who ever splits the most amount of wood into a basket wins. The only noteworthy thing about this segment is that Will broke his axe midway through (I know “performance anxiety” symbolism when I see it) Keith the Clown wins. Blandrea smiles way to brightly in his direction, a subtle indicator that she wants Keith to pick her. Predictably he picks Rebekah and Blandrea gives a “barely-contained-bitterness-thinly-disguised-as-‘happy’” interview about what a “slut” (overdubbed word: “flirt”) Rebekah is. Jason thought Keith was more of a sissy kind of guy (but he says he meant a “Sissie” sort of guy, like nice cover there Jason.) Karen (who? Oh that’s right) picks Brad. Will, since he’s one of the few guys here not having a mid-life crisis, gets his pick of Blandrea (in a awful straw Cowboy hat that would even the set of Dallas wouldn’t tolerate), CeSilly and Sissie. He picks CeSilly. Odd man out Michael, picks Blandrea. But as episode two have taught us, this is all part of Sissies “strategy,” with the no-eye contact, and negative body language, and “I heart Brent” sandwich board she’s wearing. Guess which one of those things is made up BS. If you said “all of it”, congratulations, give yourself a cookie.

Ok usually I just fast forward through the commercials and don’t comment on them, but did you know that cigarettes contain bad things? I know I’m shocked too. Except not. So, whatever “the truth.com” I’m sure whatever’s in cigarettes is no deadlier then whatever’s in the upcoming Adam Sandler movie.

Dates. Rebekah and Keith the Clown go cross-country skiing, where, humorously, while talking about Alaskan wildlife Rebekah confuses a species of whale for caviar, like so much for not wanting to be a “typical LA woman”, eh Becky? Also Rebekah falls asleep in car, therefore FINALLY having something in common with the people watching at home. Plus she falls. Yay! Rebekah ultimately thinks Keith’s a nice guy, but she’s going to stick with Jason (Translated from Rebekah-speak: “I like Jason, but that doesn’t I’m not going to stop whoring myself to other guys for dowry money.”) Karen and Brad go on a “photo safari” (in the tundra?) Brad wears this hideous furry thing on his head (I think hats across America would sue me if I said that was even remotely related to the hat family), because I guess he always wanted to be Fur-Trapper Village Person. Brad is the most clueless person around. Besides wrongly thinking that Karen is laughing WITH him and not AT him over his fashion sense, he thinks Karen is “likes to have a good time a joke around.” Puh-leaze! Karen is a “amusement Black Hole.” Her mere presence sucks up every ounce of “fun” in the area. Blandrea and Mike go to the spa. Mike says he was “apprehensive” about getting a facial, and the dirty side of my mind just suspects that he felt that way because he totally misinterpreted what that meant. J After the obligatory montage of pampering, they give us the temperature of the sauna (112 degrees), for the remedial Reality show watcher who might not get that a sauna is hot. (Next week: we learn that water is (gasp!) wet!) Speaking of which, they swim in some type of river. Eek! Blandrea in a bikini! She seems to have a good time with him though. Freudian slip alert! I almost wrote “Men on Ick” instead of “Men on Ice.” Anyway, we check back with the Men on Ick where Tim2 thinks that CeSilly won’t connect with Will because she’s still “detoxing” (drink!) and she hasn’t open up to him, so therefore won’t open up to anyone else. Meanwhile CeSilly and Will take a carriage ride. And in fact DO seem to be “hitting it off” So, good assessment on your “relationship” Geek Tim.

Later in the evening, Creepy Tim comes to pick CeSilly off, but she blows him off, and not in the good way, either. Tim’s disappointed about this, but he says this isn’t the first time he’s been rejected (duh!) but just wants to know “why” (because you’re a creepy geek who hooked up with a flaky Drama Queen, perhaps? Just a guess.) Then he inquires Will about the date and actually ask him if he’s “in or out.” I’m still trying to decide if the context of that way-too-invasive remark was “…of the closet” or “…of the designated 200 feet the restraining order ordered.” Will’s obviously feeling 2 shades of uncomfortable at this point. CeSilly, in her quest to chase away any shred of sympathy people had for her last episode, basically rags on poor geeky Tim. She talks about how he wanted to drink out of her shoe (Ewwwww!) and she basically finds him creepy. Then at diner she basically ignores Tim2 in a pretty rude way (considering her complains about Original Tim. Oh wait, but we’re “not suppose to talk about”) and just sits right over with Will. Now if you’re excuse me, I have to take my pot and kettle from the stove before they turn black.

After more “Will is so cool, not like that loser Tim” dissing from CeSilly, (not helped at all by Tim’s Poetic Nonsense for Dummies speechifying, like about Cecile “eclipsing” his world. Gag!) We see Brad deciding that Karen and Kurt have a thing going on, so he goes after the other women. Karen, possessed by the green-eyed monster, hates that all her dates plea to Rebekah and wonders why. Gee, I don’t know, Black Hole of Fun. She says to Rebekah that Becky is a “prize” is a snotty sarcastic tone. Then after a minute of that barely-contained hate look, Karen laughs indicating that she’s “joking” but she clearly isn’t. Dueling Kristian/Blandrea interviews tells us that she likes him, while he tries to figure out the best escape route.

Contrived Controversy Segment, I mean “Reality Check Game.” We find out the fascinating information that Karen married and divorced some jerk that ran away with a stripper. Everyone there acts like this is such “shocking” information. They’re the only ones. The editors agree with us because they show another Question of Contrived. The question is “Kristian why do you keep doing Blandrea even though you’d rather bait you’d rather chew off your own arm rather than be with her long-term.” Only we’re suppose to pretend that this query wasn’t coincidently aimed at Kristian’s predicament, of course. Sissie can’t believes that someone would sleep with someone who doesn’t like her. And when Sissie is dissing you, then you got problems. Keith the Clown strategizes that this is the perfect chance to plea to Blandrea and stay in the game.

Day 16. Proposal Point Kristian practically breathes a sigh of relief that Blandrea might torture someone else with her bland doormat personality. Tim2 finally catches up to the rest of the world in realizing that CeSilly might not pick him. The women appear in their Siberian Spy Barbie ensembles. Keith the Clown, of course picks Blandrea. Like that other master strategist on a poorly-thought-out FOX show, Keith mentions that he loves all the ladies in a “please pick me if Andrea doesn’t” move and gives them ALL roses. I’m sure Blandrea feels special now. Mike picks Rebekah. He copies Keith’s strategy by saying he loves all the girls, and he even though he hasn’t talked to Rebekah that much he wants to get to know her. Brad adds $2,000 to Rebekah’s dowry, and Karen’s look of envy could melt Rebekah and every inch of snow within a five mile radius. He tries to sway Rebekah by mentioning that he has a Harley, like back off, Oldie McMoustache. There already is a Biker Village person. Will, of course picks CeSilly. He does a sportscast for her. How sad is it that this was probably the best of the pleas so far. Andrea, such a doormat, you expect her to be on sale at Wal-mart for 6 dollars, picks Kristian based on the “feelings they’ve developed.” She. Is. PATHETIC! God! Kristian tries not to cry (tears of “joy” I’m sure.) CeSilly picks Will, and mentions that Tim crept her out with that “drinking out of the shoe” comment her made. Gee, for a girl who whined for three hours+ about a guy who was a jerk to her (I mean “who didn’t whine about it, because she’s so over it”) she seems to have missed the little lesson in not treating people like crap. B!tch. Sissie and Karen decide to keep their Men on Icks And the rest of the losers go home, and resort back to having special dates with Mrs. Right Hand.

Or do they? Next week, the whole gang returns.