OEDIPUS TEX
There comes a time in every young male Texan’s life when he must brutally murder his father and subsequently rape his mother. For most of us, we refer to this rite of passage as a disgusting incestual rape and homicide punishable by life imprisonment and a tour on the daytime talk show circuit. For others, they simply refer to it as Day 38 in the Outback.
Welcome to Episode Thirteen of Survivor......you’ll never be the same again.
Before we jump into the gory details, let’s take a quick review of what happened on last week’s show. First of all, the tribe got to chat with their loved ones over the internet during the Reward Challenge......The Colbster showed up drunk (again) and started seeing double to the point that he kept referring to his mom as “Gang”. Chef Boy-R-U-Arrogant took this series to a whole new level of cheesy with an online marriage proposal to some girl he met in a bar the week before he flew to Australia. He typed...”Will you marry me?” And she responded, “Are you winning?” Constant raining and <censored by Shakes> led to growing tempers and the inevitable confrontation between the Colbster and Chef Boy-R-U-An-Asshole. Said Chef Boy-R-U-Smart in an interview, “I think there’s something going on here and I am in a very vulnerable position.” At the Immunity Challenge, the Colbster prevailed for the third time in a row, earning him the Immunity necklace (to be renamed the “Donaldson Necklace” for Survivor III ). At Tribal Council, Chef Boy-R-U-Unpopular somehow managed to avoid the Grand Snuff as Kentucky Jonesing was ultimately sent packing by the dreaded and all-powerful Ogalliance.
DAY 37
Lislis starts the day by waxing on and off about her dearly departed Outback Daddy, “It was emotional for me to see KJ get voted off, but he would never want me to get all mushy and sad and kinda lay down and die, no way Jose.” Wait a sec....isn’t that basically an exact description of what she’s been doing on this show anyway? Sitting next to the Colbster at breakfast, she comments, “I never thought this game would get so emotional sometimes, but it all started when KJ gave me this rock (Ebay starting bid: $12,500.00).” The Colbster responds with a look that can only be interpreted as “Who’s Rodger?” And the game goes on.....
Next we hear some crap about how Lislis and Benedict Tina are spending a lot of time talking which is a sure clue that Lislis is getting booted next. They spoke more about family and blah blah blah until we are treated to a random out of place close up of Lislis taking off her Reebok shoes. Thanks Mark, gonna run right out and buy a pair.
The Colbster is also talking about his family in an interview, specifically his Mama, “I know she’s the one I miss the most and she’s the one who’s gotten me through all this.” Then, with the subtle wave of his wand Burn-it treats us to yet another taste of his brilliant foreshadowing as the Coblster continues, “I talk to her on a daily basis when I get off and spend time by myself. Obviously she doesn’t respond orally, but she’s hearing me.” I suddenly and violently have the urge to switch the channel to “Friends”, but then I realize that show makes me want to throw up even more so.
In an interview BT lets us know that, “now that the game is almost over, it seems that we can joke around a little bit more and laugh about it.” The Colbster echos the point back at Barramidriff Camp #3 when he announces to Lislis and BT, “Hey, I’m going to the grocery store, do y’all need anything?” BT responds, “Fill the car up with gas, and try not to pass out drunk in a pile of your own puke in the parking lot on your way home.” (courtesy of www.thesmokinggun.com )
TREE MAIL!!!
Remember your youth
When there was nothing to eat
And your mom would give you
All the leftover meat.
The Chicken from Monday
The Roast two days later
From the back of the fridge
A six month old tater.
Well guess what Survivors
The Challenge today
Is just like that meal
With equal decay.
All the old games
That we’ve already used
Have been gathered together
And basically fused.
If you’re lucky to win
Or your name starts with “C”
We’ll give you a prize
That starts with a key.
So, today’s Reward Challenge is basically a combination of every challenge they’ve already done, which was basically already a copy of every challenge they used last season...so this marks the third time we’re having to see this shit. First off, the Survivors must navigate a rope maze while blindfolded and shackled....as ususal, all of the Survivors except the Colbster must keep one carabineer attached to the ropes at all times. After the rope maze, the Survivors may remove the blindfold and shackle and then must complete a smaller version of the Crack & Barrel table puzzle they had to complete for the chickens way back when Smelli was only slightly annoying and Psycho-Michael still had skin covering his hands. After completing the puzzle they have to carry buckets of water over a balance beam and them dump the water into a bucket on a fire-scale....after the bucket has enough water in it to reach the hole and cause a leak (unless the Colbster fills his bucket with sand again) they must gather firewood and start a fire on the other side of the scale...then blah blah blah lights a fuse and the Colbster wins a new Pontica Aztec, a meal and a hot shower.
And they’re off........
Chef-Boy-R-U-Clumsy jumps out to his usual early lead, but then, and this was quite hilarious, he keeps tripping and falling over the ropes. So, the Colbster grabs the lead going into the puzzle portion of the course. Chef-Boy-R-U-Dishonest tries to cheat at yet another Reward Challenge by doing the old “remove the stickers from the Rubik’s Cube” trick as he tries to get away with lifting the puzzle pieces off of the board and simply replacing them in the proper order. Jiffy Probe catches him and Chef-Boy-R-U-Guilty responds, “I was just checking the balance.”
The Colbster finishes the puzzle first and moves into the balance bean section....Lislis is hot on his trail.....BT and Chef-Boy-R-U-Hopeless have the most trouble on the balance beam...in fact, I don’t think the Chef even made it across one time. The Colbster continues his lead and gets to work on building the fire....in the end, the Colbster wins yet another Challenge (yawn) and celebrates by jumping around, hugging anyone who dares to get in his way, and screaming over and over again, “Bow down and acknowledge the awesome power of......THE COLBINATOR!”
DAY 38
Back at Camp, the mood is somber. Says Lislis, this is the most challenging thing I’ve ever had to do. It’s not the games, its not the Challenges, those are hard in themselves, but living here day to day...those are the real challenges.” Yeah, I could see how she could feel that way, I mean after all, how hard is it to NOT kick butt in any of the challenges and basically get your ass kicked twice a show?
Now, to top it off, Lislis is losing her hair....I don’t really have a joke here, but I wanted to mention it cause it was quite funny to watch her pull her hair out of her head...okay, I’ll move on.
Hey, there’s more TREE MAIL!!! But, since my summaries only come with a one-sonnet guarantee, we’ll be skipping the letter and getting right to the door prizes. Just for shits and giggles, Burn-it has supplied the tribe with a scale so they can see how much weight they’ve lost.....and yes Chef, you MAY check the balance on this one. Says Chef-Boy-R-U-Quick-Witted, “I don’t think this is a challenge.” Responds the Colbinator, “Me neither, I think this is pure entertainment!” Pure Entertainment.....it’s about time we got to see something new on this show.
Back at Camp, the Survivors take turns seeing how much weight they’ve lost...the scale is in kilograms so the Colbinator finally gets to use the abacus he brought as a luxury item. Bendict Tina is down to 99 lbs. from 115. Lislis is down to 101 lbs. from 113. Chef-Boy-R-U-Emaciated has lost an amazing 27 lbs. finally beating the Colbinator (25 lbs.) at something. BT comments that between the four of them they have lost 85 lbs. Lislis responds, “We’ve lost a third grader............and his name’s Adam Walsh.” Sorry, couldn’t resist.
Meanwhile........back at El Rancho................
After yet another margarita-filled night, Lamber awoke with a splitting headache. Using all the energy that was left in her body, she managed to piece together the events from the night before. Yes, she had gotten plastered and no, she was definitely not in her own bed...and yes, there was definitely someone sleeping beside her. And then it all started coming back to her. After 40 days of fantasizing about chocolate, and feeling the false confidence that only 15 shots of Tequila can supply, she had decided once and for all that she was gonna get herself some chocolate of her own....some chocolate lovin’ that is. So, waiting until she was sure that everyone else had fallen asleep, she quietly (or as quietly as a raging alcoholic can) slipped out of bed and tip-toed down the hall to the closed door of Nick Brown’s bedroom. Slowly creaking the door open a 1/3 of the way she was able to slither her taut body into the cool comfort of the darkened room. The ceiling fan circulated the smell of ass evenly through the room as Lamber silently closed the door shut. Total and complete darkness enveloped the room as Lamber approached the wicker and straw that made up beds here in the Outback. Pulling back the sheets, Lamber climbed in and pressed her supple breasts up against the curve in his back, alerting him of her presence. And then they made love.
As she gazed at her Outback lover she realized that it must’ve been some kind of night since he was completely turned around in the bed and had his entire body under the covers. Sensing movement Lamber leaned into him once again and said, “Baby, you were fantastic last night.” Replied the lump next to her, “thanks, ya know I didn’t get to be CEO of a bank cause I could add the quickest.” <click>
Now, back to our fearless four........
Chef-Boy-R-U-A-Loner goes off for a walk deep into the Outback to collect his thoughts and think about the game. Meanwhile back at Camp, the Colbinator is counting the minutes until he can collect his Reward later tonight. The girls surprise him with a Car-warming gift of a bouquet of flowers. The Colbinator replies, “oh gals, that is great, but in all honesty a cup holder would’ve been more practical.”
Then JP arrives and he takes the Colbinator for what appears to be a 50 feet walk to the Reward.
Away from the others Chef-Boy-R-U-A-Camera-Hog is giving yet another cliche filled interview, “I see a light at the end of the tunnel, its really close. You don’t have a lot of control at this point in the game, the cards have been dealt, fate is inevitable, a spades a spade, so you just try and glide in, be cool and calm, say no to drugs, baby on board, and enjoy these last few days as best as you can.”
The Colbinator finally arrives at his Reward and immediately gets down to inspecting his new set of wheels. “Golly, look at the interior. The car is way cooler than I thought it would be..its got some of the neatest amenities you’re ever gonna see, including a radio. Plus there’s room for a gun rack AND a cooler.”
The two sit down at a picnic table for a little bit of an appetizer. Then JP announces that it is time to bring out the main course......and here she comes. Tonight’s waitress is Flo from the Diner...oh wait, that’s actually the Colbinator’s mom, Gang Donaldson. The Colbinator reacts with a flurry of OMG’s <click> <click> <click> and jumps up to embrace his mama in a hug oddly reminiscent of the closing scene to “Officer and a Gentleman.” All she needed to do was pull off his cowboy hat and fling it in the air and we would’ve been looking at another lawsuit.
And now, let the sick-fest begin........
The Colbinator states in an interview, “One thing you don’t realize how much you miss until you’re here is the touch and intimacy of loved ones.” Here, let me take a second to describe the Colbinator’s mom. Did you ever do play that prank when you were a kid where you take a thick black marker and you draw circles on the eye pieces of a pair of binoculars, and then you hand them to your friend and he goes to look through them and ends up with two huge black circles around his eyes??? Well, it looks like someone played the same prank on the Colnbinator’s mom. Either that or Debb is her makeup artist.
So, because I don’t want to judge the actions and practices of a culture that is foreign to me, I am just going to list the events that transpired during mom’s visit to the Outback, and you people can judge for yourself....
1. Candlelight dinner.
2. Colbinator and mom climb into back of truck together as camera fades away
3. Next morning, Gang takes pictures of the Colbinator taking a shower.
I have nothing else to say on the subject, well except for the stuff I plan to say in a few minutes.
DAY 39
Back at Camp, the Colbinator brings Gang to meet his Outback friends....and Keith. Says Lislis, “Colbinator’s mom was like the token loved one from home...just like Nick was the token black one, Vermin was the token gay one and I’m the token likable one. When she hugged me I felt my whole family there.” As Gang hugs BT and Lislis, Chef Boy-R-U-Still-Here offers from the background, “It’s an honor to have you here.”
Then, Gang sneaks off behind a tree and comes back with a burlap sack filled with care packages from home. Chef Boy-R-U-Melodramatic uses the viewing of a picture of his kids as an opportunity to grab a camera crew and head off to a secluded part of the Camp for some quality “Oscar clip” crying scenes. The Colbinator sums up his mama’s visit in a way that even I can not top so I’ll just give it to you straight.....”it was almost like a conjugal visit if you were a prisoner.” Alright, on the count of three....1....2.....3.....ewwww!.
The visit ends with your typical good-byes as The Colbinator walks his mama down to the beach and the waiting helicopter. As the helicopter starts its ascent from the beach, the sound of the rushing propeller blades causes Lislis to go running down towards the beach screaming, “We love you Michael! Go Kucha!”
Back at Camp the Colbinator opens up his care package and realizes that Burn-it finally got his revenge for that whole Texas Tarp luxury item scam by taking said Tarp and shrinking it in the dryer...the result is a Texas flag small enough to hang from the rear view mirror of his Pontiac Aztec.
IMMUNITY CHALLENGE: The memory game
Just like the game we all used to play as kids, the Survivors must match up different authentic Australian items from under covered platters....the items range from the practical (clay pot) to the plentiful (kangaroo shit) to the rare (Bitchell’s spine). Well, instead of giving you the play by play to yet another boring Challenge, let’s just cut to the obvious conclusion as the New York Yankees of the Outback, the Colbinator wins his fourth Immunity in a row. Yawn.
On their way back to Camp, BT lovingly puts her arm around Lislis’ shoulder and pats her back until she is satisfied she has found the sweet spot.
Back from commercials, its time for that part of the show where Burn-it tries to convince us that someone is getting the boot when we all know by now that there is NO way that person is gonna go....ya know, at this point of the series it would be better off if he actually showed us who was gonna get the boot and that way we would never believe him and we would actually be surprised for once at Tribal Council.
Lislis points out an amazing sight to Chef-Boy-R-U-Vain...two kangaroos chasing each other through the forest....Chef is too busy combing his beard for the 5th time this episode to notice. Says BT in an interview, There is a sense of doom and gloom about Tribal Council. You don’t have as many people to choose from to kick off, which sucks cause I liked it when I could kick off three or four people, now there’s only one.”
The Colbinator tries saving face in an interview by lying to America once again about the “dilemma” he faces...”I still haven’t made up my mind as far as who I’m gonna vote for. It comes down to two things, who deserves the money, who is a righteous person and how can I put that money in my pocket.” Yeah, I bet that’s a real tough decision for you.
TRIBAL COUNCIL
The jury shows up including a clean shaven Kentucky Jonesing and the predictable scowl of Scerri from her perch. Judging by the useless questions JP asks the Survivors, its obvious he’s run out of material. Let’s just skip to the vote. Chef-Boy-R-U-Next is voting for Lislis who is in turn voting for the Chef. While the Survivors vote, Lamber turns to Nick and asks, “Do you think we’ll have Meatball subs for dinner? OMG <click> I love those!” And in a stunning (hardly) turn of events Lisjustwas is voted out 3-1 as the Ogalliance accomplishes what became their birthright many a fortnight ago when Kimmi opened her big fat mouth on top of the cliff, as they coast into an all-Ogakor final three.
In the previews for next weeks kinda finale, we learn that the show will be two hours long, despite the fact that there are only three people left, no more Reward Challenges and no more floods. I have no idea how in the world they are going to fill that entire time slot, but then again, considering the producers of the Sopranos can somehow fit Meadow’s ass into the State of New Jersey, let alone the confines of my 35" TV screen, I guess anything is possible in the magical world of television. Hell, one of these days, FOX might even release a quality reality show.
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