Bacheloretts in Alaska #3: "Tim, the Tool Man (Not not the guy from Home Improvement.)"
Last Week on Bachelorettes in Alaska, I summarized episode # 2 right here on this site. Go read it.

In THIS episode, everyone talks about Blandrea behind her back, talking about the lack of chemistry between her and Puffy Lips (Kristian.) Blandrea psychobabbles something about being able to make a commitment and the armchair psychologist out there will figure out it has something to do with her poor dead fiancé, like, save your doormat-rationalizations for DR Phil, honey. ADD moment! Kristian tells us YET AGAIN, that he’s not interested in Blandrea, which is good because the dust mites under the couch still wasn’t clear on it. Wait what? HOW does Kristian feels about Blandrea? I’m an idiot (therefore, this show’s target apparent target audience) and I forgot. Apparenttly so does Kristian since he snuggles with Blandrea.

Gratioutous bathing shot! Like Fox is going to let below-freezing weather stop them from the swimwear montages. Now everyone comments on Kurt and Karen’s (who?) boring relationship. Basically they say, “Kurt and Karen, zzzzzzzzzz!” Luckily the editors have been taking lessons from Burlesque Manipulating Presentations and present us with this nugget: Kurt talks about how he’s getting close to “her” and how much “they’ve” opened up and revealed and everything. Kurt must have been talking about his sister, because Karen’s interview reveals the opposite. Hee!

Jason gives “lines to score with #172” by talking about how “genuine” (of a gold digging skank) she is. Rebekah sees Jason’s goofy dialogue and raise him with this: “The way I looked tonight, I was a woman.” As oppose to those times when has a fake beard and penis? Did she just out herself as a transsexual? Oh she’s referring to her “lady-like” red top kerchief top and low-rider That is just SO all the rage. In 1999 (you know, when Rebekah was still “27“). It works on Dynasty-deprived Jason who calls her “classy” (Oh Joan Collins would eat her alive!) They have a discussion where Jason speculates that she would never talk to him on the street because she’s a gold-digging ho. Cecile obviously read through the guide of her media-whore predecessor, The Amber Chronicles goes into Jerri’s, I mean Rebekah’s cabin for some reason. Tim whines about how Cecile is “pressuring” him to make a move on her, like let’s cry for him, Argentina. He then channels Real World 11’s Kyle by talking about how he doesn’t want to be “portrayed” as “ready”

Poor editors. They were doing so well with the Kurt/Karen contradiction, and then makes the mistake of thinking we care about what’s happening to the “Supercuts Hall of Shame” couple Sissie and Brent. Oh well. Sissie “still in “Swiss Miss” mode (smooth continuity dudes!) She talks about wanting to wait to be more intimate with Brent. Also she says something about him being a hunk. What? When did she feel THAT way. If only there were some subtle signal that she thought that way before…

Cecile’s cabin. She finally gets Tim in bed. Awww. And she only had to lie her ass of about her “mauling” from last episode to do it. But it IS nice to see you again, Irony and Foreshadowing. Won’t you stay for coffee?
Anyway, it’s day 11 and 17 degrees (no that’s not the temperature of Rebekah’s heart.) Time to meet this week’s desperate losers who have been banished to Alaska because they’ve been deemed undatable to the other 49 states. First we meet Terry, 31, a fisherman. Doug 25, is a state trooper. Karen babbles something about him looking like Robert Downey Jr., proving (along her glazed, sleepy expression) that she’s been dipping into some of RDJ’s crack. Next is Pasty McRetarded, I mean 30 year old Tim II: Electric Boogalooser. He (giggle) is a gold-miner (“Thar’s hos in dem thar hills!”) AND senate staffer. The slacker itern who had to come up with the fake jobs really need to do better. Oh poor Kris Kristofferson. Who’d think with Blade 2 he’s be able to avoid whoring himself on FOX. Then someone whispers to me that this is our 4th new man, Bob, 44. He has that grizzled appearance that must make him a favorite in the “Kenny Rogers look-a-like (and eat-a-like)” contest. Today’s contest is skeet shooting. What is up with all the weapons of destruction being used for a romantic competetion? In the first week we had an axe-throwing contest. If this series where set in Compton, the guys would win the ladies’ hearts by performing the best drive-by shooting. And I guess a Hamptons-based version would have whoever could run over the most pedestrians with his car. Anyway, Terry wins this live action “Duck hunt” (Oh, don’t pretend like none of y’all didn’t play that video game either.) Terry picks Cecile, he puts his arm around her and she resist the urge to scream “molestation.” Karen ends up with Non-RDJ, and Tim II:EB. And in a “There IS a God!” moment, Rebekah and Sissie pick Bob and he chooses Sissie. Rebekah, for the first time in this show, has to stay away from men for a couple of hours. Oh no. THEN who will she manipulate? Tim laughs Rebekah being dissed. Sp does Cecile. Hell even though her masses of tangled hair, Sissie shares similar sentiments. I love that they’re not even pretending to feel sorry for her. Then we get the scariest shot of the episode, Rebekah stretching her limbs (Something, I’m sure she’s had practice at) in such an unnatural position, that you figure that she must not be human.

Dates: Andrea and Tim II:EB rides horses. New Tim blahs something about Alaskan scenery. Back at the Northern Light Lounge Brent (ADD moment) tells us that he likes Sissie. Thanks for that new and innovative information editors. Sissie, her bad perm, and Kenny Rogers go hiking. He talks about how beautiful Sissie is, even her hair(?) which, by the way, looks like a yellow brillo pad by now. I swear it’s looking worse each episode. But we get to sentiment behind Kris Kristofferson’s weird comment when we hear that he has an Aryan fetish, just like X-Treme Charlie Brown (aka Thaddeus.) Karen and Doug go snowshoeing. Doug figures that none of these city gals would ever make it in Alaska. Karen in her dazed, baby-doll voice, thinks all this is “purty.” (and yes that’s what it actually said on the closed caption.) Hmmm. I wonder why Doug would think that? J Doug also guesses that Karen is “a few years older” then him. Oh wow. How did Doug ever break Karen little secret? Someone told! Must have been the crows feet, huh Karen. They always blab don’t they. Cecile goes to Kenai Peninsula with his date. Cecile tells him she teaches jazz and hip-hop dance. Whoops Cecile! It looks like the show you wanted to go on was two night down, but that slot has already been fulfilled by Paula Abdul. There is some embarrassing “Moose” calling going on.

Tim in full “Kyle” mode reveals the “pain” of having Cecile just so hot for his studly body, but him not being interested in her. Good thing he hasn’t been sending her mixed signals or anything or that would make things really complex. Right? Anyone. The women return to the Northern Light. Tim shows his concern for Cecile’s feelings and eagerness to “set things straight” by hanging out on the other side of the cabin. Here we find out that everyone knows about how Cecile feels except her. Tim victimizes some more about how he WANTS to tell her, but they screwed around, so he “dug himself in a bigger hole.” Really I thought he WAS the hole. With an “ass” attached to it. Bob tells us (ADD moment) that Sissie and Brent are an item (No! Really?) and he’s disappointed. Indeed, the other Bitcherlorettes are already cocooning into “Valeries” (From Temptation Island 1. We’re going to need a flow diagram to keep our media whores straight, huh?) and hanging close to their “men on ice” leaving the other guys out. “Hey,” The producers of this mess were obviously thinking, “That Marker Burnett is really good at manipulating his game for conflict and twisting the outcome for his own evil end?. And after all, didn’t we say if we were going to swipe, swipe from the best?” So we get this “honesty” game called “reality check thrown in to get Tim to embarrass Cecile in public. Oops., I mean to get the truth out of people because, as our host points “marriage is a big deal.” Wow, he totally revolutionized the way we know view marriage. My mind is now officially blown. And people who think a marriage can be thrown together based on a reality show competition should know. Anyway they pick scrolls and one conveniently ask for the contestants (read: Tim) to describe the last time they lied (read: to Cecile).

Of course Tim, being such upstanding sensitive guy considerate of other’s feeling tells Cecile that he doesn’t really like her. In a public forum. But he lied her to “spare her feelings.” I know I’ve said this before but that’s such a “Kyle-esque” thing to say. Cecile of course gets upset and runs to the bathroom to engage in a cursing jag. And to think she lied about being “mauled” for him. Aw, thanks for sticking around Irony. Hope you enjoy the tea. Hilarious Kristian “congratulates” Tim on this cowardly display of “honest.” Although it isn’t as congratulatory as Tim is on himself. Tools! Both of you. Doug being the smart one is already trying to find the exits to escape this drama. The drama, as it plays out heads to the bathroom in Cecile’s cabin were she tells him off basically. Tim just grins along like, “Oh my nagging girlfriend at it again.”

Proposal Point. Gee I wonder if Tim is going to get picked. Speak of the devil (literally), Tim says that if Cecile wanted to be vengeful, she’d keep him (laughter.) I’m sorry, I need to take a shower to wash the ickyness of the man off of me. I feel like his toolishness contaminated the recap somehow. Anyway, Kenny “Bob” Rogers makes a plea for Nordic looking Karen, because, well…you know. He wins her over by doing this awful “cartoon moose” voice with a stuffed moose, that makes me realize that the people behind Rocky and Bullwinkle WERE talented after all. Tim II, wearing some type of “Shiver me Timbers” ghastly pirate shirt, figuring that Cecile is easy pickings after the drama. Solidifying his archetype as “Renaissance geek” he quotes Shakespeare. Cecile obviously doesn’t understand it, but hey, it’s not Tim 1.Terry tries to impress Sissie by putting fake teeth in his mouth and imitating some “Cletus” character. It’s really lame. Maybe he would have succeeded with a “Bumblebee Man” or “Comic Book Guy.”
Doug decides not to make a plea to ANYONE (meaning Rebekah doesn’t get a plea this week. Yah! Although her cold, cold stare tells us she’s obviously trying to see if she could melt people with her mind. Doug leaves and with him every last shred of dignity contained in a reality show. Everyone chooses the same man, except Cecile, who of course ditches loser Tim one for…um…loser Tim two, I guess.