It's like this. I was getting really tired of waiting for a Survivor to drown. I deliberately cast people who can't swim, can't think, can't move, I'm sure at least two of them couldn't breathe -- and what do I get? Only a handful of injuries and no fatalities. The televisions gods hate me, because they know I'm taking over the whole pantheon as soon as I get up there.
So it's time for another patented Mark Burnett completely original idea. Let's see. We'll take the voting system from my own show and distort it a little. Next up, I'll just grab the Head of Household aspect from the Chenbot -- it's not as if she's ever known what to do with it, the idiot won't even notice it's gone -- and make it even more of a revenge-bringer by turning it into something long-term that protects the power-flushed idiot's closest allies. Might as well throw in this Coup D'Tat thing or however I'll convince the country it's spelled, get TAR's clue styles because I still owe them so much revenge myself, the tortured setup, prize style, and robotic host from the Lairdbot because I walked in on the artificial non-intelligences while they were trying to mate, and -- throw them all on a pirate ship! It's completely original!
Besides, it's not as if any of them have the money to sue me.
Yes -- yes, that's it. A little minimal training in sailing techniques, just enough that they'll believe it's real, and someone will get their fingers snapped off in a rope loop, or fall from the rigging, or just outright drown. And then the ratings will come. Oh yes. They will come.
Something for the winner? All right. They could get up to a million dollars. Not an actual million dollars. Just 'up to'. This time, I'll split the proceeds as we go, and we'll get all sorts of opportunities for bribing, stealing, and spending. Especially stealing. By me. And spending. By them. Four thousand dollars for a bag of Doritos. Opening the bidding floor...
Time to cast this thing. Egos? Check. Idiots? Check. Stereotypes? Check. Rupert wanna-be? Check. Attempt to prove that all strippers are morons? Che -- oops. How did that one get through? He's beating my challenge! He's making my sets look stupid! He even spotted the Disney logo under the skulls, and they have enough money to sue me! This is the worst casting disaster since -- well, we don't talk about that. We just don't. Or you're fired.
Got to get rid of him... good thing we were casting for egos first: his is already rubbing people the wrong way... All right, I can solve this. Just pull a few strings to make his biggest rival the captain, which guarantees he'll be in the first trio to get black-spotted, then watch the social niceties fly past his complete incomprehension of 'personal space'. Check. Check. Chec --
-- he did what with the compasses? And they voted him off anyway?
Brilliant! Now we can show the other idiots stumbling around in the jungle for days without finding anything! I'll get to keep all of the prize budget for myself! It's not like I wasn't going to get it back anyway, but now I don't even have to manipulate for it! I can just send the future corpses sailing around and around the perimeter of the same island for no money, plus every time they want to move in a new direction, I can use that 'thirty minutes later' banner and show off the ship again! Yes, let's get some more shots of the ship -- and still more shots of the ship -- it's my editing: we're showing off the ship. Nothing else is as important.
What do you mean, no one knows who these people are? No one cares who these people are. I certainly don't.
Look. It's like this. I can always get more future bodies from the casting department.
The ship has to go back at the end of the month.
As long as the ratings don't make it a three-hour tour...