LAST EDITED ON 04-26-01 AT 12:36 PM (EST)
The Ellipsiiis Brain Trust™
Providing Quality Spoilage Since Episode 7.
As always, some mood music first.
TOP DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION
FOR YOUR iii's ONLY
To: Ellipsiiis Brain...Trust, SurvivorSucks.com, Interested Parties, Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls
From: Special Supersecret Operative DarkRivers
Two days ago, the team was sent into action. Agent Skanky Smutbelly was sent undercover to our remote satellite receiving station, located on an abandoned oil rig sixty-seven miles offshore from St. John's, Newfoundland. Once there, Agent Smutbelly was able to procure the network feed, revealing this week's reward challenge to be the mother of all challenges. A massive, multilayered challenge invoking elements from many previous challenges. Blindfolded ropemazes, firebuilding, shackles galore, waterbearing while balancing on beams... a SuperChallenge2001™. In the end, that challenge-hog COLBY won the "Biggest Reward Yet," a luxurious and relaxing retreat filled with pampering, gourmet dining, and best of all, a hot shower.
At this point, Agent Smutbelly reported a breakup in the signal, so Agent Theo Fubar was quickly dispatched to the Home Office in Christoval, Texas. There, Agent Fubar infiltrated the Donaldson Diner just off the highway, steak and eggs $3.99 before 10.
"Hi baby," chirped a big-haired Mama Donaldson upon his arrival, smacking her chewing gum with a wink. "What can I do fer y'all?"
"Ma'am, we'd like a little information, if you please. We have reason to believe your son was the recipient of an outrageously decadent night on the ranch..."
"Sugar, I'd be lyin' if I said it wasn't one of the most wonderful nights of my life. My boy deserved every bit of it. When he had a smidge of shrimp cocktail on his chin, why I just took that napkin, licked it, and cleaned that boy up, just like when he was a bay-bee..." Having heard all he wanted to hear, and wanting to hear no more, Agent Fubar beat a hasty retreat, relaying to us his confirmation that Mama Donaldson was indeed the surprise guest and bearer of care packages, and vowing never to return and be subjected to that vixen's wily charms.
With half the battle won, Agent Stump McFarkle was ordered to break and enter the Chicago home of one Tym Camerman, reported to be the uncle of an alcoholic, loose-tongued boom operator for the show. What Agent McFarkle actually discovered was nothing less than miraculous - miles of discarded footage, outtakes, and framed stills of many Survivors answering the call of nature. When pieced together, what Agent McFarkle found was a game of match-the-goodies-under-the-baskets. While some of the goodies were goodie-goodies, causing the bubbly and effervescent Elisabeth to wiggle and shake uncontrollably with desire, others were so repulsive that even Keith's carrot lost its crispness. While reviewing the footage, Agent McFarkle could only smile as once again Chef Famie snatched defeat out of the hands of victory, allowing that well-fed, well-rested, shiny-toothed cowboy COLBY to don the lobster collar. Tina, the rapidly-aging matron of Barramundi administered hugs all around. And why not? She knew she wasn't going anywhere that night.
It was time for the final piece of the puzzle to be put into place. As this was such an important job, I handled it myself. I made my way to the underground parking garage of CBS Studios, in Studio City, California. In the shadows, waiting for me, was Hal Holbrook. The conversation went as follows:
DR: "The story is dry. All we've got are pieces. We can't seem to figure out what the puzzle is supposed to look like. The survivors are supposed to be starving. I mean, it sounds like bullshit, we don't exactly believe that..."
HH: "No, heh, but it's touching. Forget the myths Burnett created about Survivor 2. The truth is, these are not very bright guys, and things got out of hand."
DR: "Probst's come in from the cold. Supposedly he's got an immunity headdress in a brown paper bag"
HH: "Follow the rice."
DR: "What do you mean? Where?"
HH: "Oh, I can't tell you that."
DR: "But you could tell me that."
HH: "No, I have to do this my way. You tell me what you know, and I'll confirm. I'll keep you in the right direction if I can, but that's all. Just... follow the rice."
So, I did just that. And the mysterious Mr. Holbrook did confirm my suspicions that ELISABETH, poor sweet girl that she is, would be the thirteenth victim of the Ogakor juggernaut.
You now are up to date. I and my crack team await further instructions...
This is a game show.
It's not life or death. Really.
Just watch and enjoy.