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The Scholar Episode 5: Gay Marriage and Dead Presidents

For those of you who haven’t been watching (which would be everyone except Cygnus, Zipperhead, Reality Mom and myself) this summary is for you!

Ten Brainiacs (Melissa, Milana, Amari, Liz, Alyssa, Jeremy, Gerald, Max, Scot and Davis) have come to U.S.C. to compete for a four year, full ride scholarship to the college of their choice. Melissa, Milana, Liz and Scott have already scored the first four spots in the finals and $50,000 (courtesy of Wal Mart). In tonights episode, the remaining 6 compete for the final showdown spot and that last 50 G’s. The suspense is almost too much for me to bear.

As a smog filed LA sky dawns a light gray, our geniuses are filled with emotions, tension and most likely, raging hormones. Alyssa is finally realizing that there are other people in the world that are just as smart, if not smarter than her. We are then off to visit her parallel reality in Yuba City, CA. She is an American Indian (note the Dream catcher-clearly the Native Americans only contribution to the white world). We learn that Alyssa’s parents are divorced, she doesn’t talk to her dad and that her mom cries at the drop of a hat. Exciting.

Back at the abode, Liz and Davis are discussing what’s going on with their “relationship”. They do not understand why everyone walks out of the room when they are together. I would say it’s because A) they don’t like you or B) they are truly afraid you may start making out. Liz states that something may have happened between her and Davis, if she didn’t have a boyfriend. That she has, incidently, broken up with 5 times. Whatever–by Freshman year Spring Break she will not be thinking of either guy as she pulls her top up for the “Girls Gone Wild” cameras.

Time for the Captains Quiz! Rob the Lawyer/ Crappy TV Host announces that only the 6 also-rans will be competing for the privilege of being team captain. Leaving plenty of time for Liz, Melissa and Milana to hit Robertson for some shopping-pedi’s-mani’s and Scot to create a bong made of tin foil and an empty toilet paper roll. The topic of today’s quiz: The Constitution. Specifically, matching excerpts from the first 10 amendments with their number. Members of Congress would struggle with this one, so, good luck!

As always, Davis is super-confident that he will know everything. However, this time he actually does and easily takes the quiz in the fastest time and with a perfect score. Amari comes in second time wise, but has 2 wrong. Will she make Captain or does someone else have 9 right?
CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC....FLEETING HOPEFUL LOOKS FROM THE OTHERS.... Nope, Amari knows her Constitution. Although, this means that the others had less than 8 correct. God Bless America.

Davis really feels as if he has the final spot nailed down. He is totally ready for battle in his paisley collared shirt. (Blatant “Oceans 11" Rip off:: “Davis, Ted Nugent called, he wants his shirt back.”) Alyssa, on the other hand, wants anyone BUT Davis to win.

Deep thought as we head to commercial: In accepting Wal Marts college money, do the students have to promise never to join a Union and tolerate sub-par health benefits? Just asking.

Rob informs the students that they will be talking a road trip! Grab the bikinis (and a Speedo for Davis) and a 30 pack! Oh wait, they are going to the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library. A cool guy named Duke gives the kids a tour and explains the purpose of the library, which is to teach others about the Presidency, Leadership and American History. Plus it has dark corners for kids to make out in on field trips. (Seriously, last year my DH and I caught 2 teenagers making out in the kids section of the Holocaust Museum in Washington). Anyway, back to the show. Davis informs us that he wants a Presidential Library of his own someday. No doubt it will be filled with pictures of Liz and copies of “Gone With The Wind” (see: Episode 1).

Only the remaining 6 students will be participating in the team challenge, leaving Scot more time to work on his bong (he’s considering a paper towel roll version, for variety). This weeks challenge will be a topical debate between the 2 teams, following standard debate team rules. One side picks Pro, the other Con. Each side will have an opening, a closing and a rebuttal,. They must also be prepared for cross examination! The debate will be moderated by U.S.C.’s Debate Team Coach (I’ll call him Webby) and a U.S.C. Sociology Professor (I’ll call him Bebo–and yes I know Bebo is a woman). The Scholarship Committee (“Frenchie”, Angry White Guy (AWG) and the other dude (TOD)) will also observe the debate, all-the-while taking copious notes and doodling dirty pictures.

Davis Captains the Gold Team, choosing the Pro side (since it usually gives you the advantage of having a stronger argument) . Amari Captains the Red Team and gets stuck with the Con position. Davis selects Max and Gerald to be on his team, Amari chooses Alyssa and inherits Jeremy by default. The “I am ALWAYS picked last” look on his face is getting painful to watch week after week. The Donger gets no love.

A debate was chosen for this particular challenge, in this particular venue, to honor our recently deceased former President Ronald Reagan’s legacy as “The Great Communicator”. Trickle Down Economics or his unnatural obsession with Jelly Beans was not mentioned. (Neither was the fact that he may not have even known his own name by the time he left office). Each team will get an Intel laptop computer one hour to prepare a debate on the topic of...... Gay Marriage! (That sound you hear--- is Ronald Reagan rolling over in his grave).

Davis is thrilled, as this topic is right up his alley. Now, I am starting to wonder if maybe Liz is barking up the wrong tree. Davis wore a skirt in episode 2 and now this. It’s possible his Presidential Library will actually be filled with Abercrombie catalogs and semi-nude pictures of Barney Frank.

The red team are very conflicted, since they do not agree with the Con side of the argument. The anguish of compromising his beliefs show on Jeremy’s face–clearly he is not CEO material. Amari works hard to get her team to take on the mind-set of someone who doesn’t agree with gay marriage and go from there. Davis assumes (correctly) that the Red Team will have no choice but to focus on morality, therefore, they attempt to make very strong Constitutional arguments–especially the separation of church and state. The rest of the group share Scot’s cool homemade bong and thank their lucky stars they don’t have to do this. Then they eat part of the Iran Contra Papers.

The Gold Team’s Gerald has a strong opening, as does the Red Teams Alyssa. Max does well with his rebuttal, while Amari flubs it slightly. Several lame cross questions (blah, blah, blah, religion, yada, yada, yada, church and state) precede a heartwrenchingly bad closing from the Donger and a decent argument form Davis. The others think Davis didn’t close strongly enough, but they are all high so who cares. (To get the essence of the debate-see the Gay Marriage OT archives)

Webby is impressed with the Red Teams performance and the research that they did to make their argument. Bebo thinks that the Gold Team missed the boat on some arguments, but generally did a good job. Of course they cut to commercial before the decision–but not before posting a disclaimer letting us all know that “The opinions expressed on “The Scholar” in no way reflect the opinions of the Reagan Library or Foundation”. In other words, Ronnie didn’t like the gays- and neither do we! Why they didn’t debate stem cells is beyond me. That would have made more sense. Anyway–Gold Team wins the debate and Davis has another shot at the finals. I would actually consider it a tie, since the red team didn’t really believe a word they were saying, but all 10 get an Intel computer anyway. Lucky bastards.

Random Thought: They should have done this debate “Old School” style, with all 6 kids debating this issue with Tom Delay, Sean Hannitay, Rush Limbaugh, the President of NOW, Jim J. Bullock and Al Gore, just for fun.

The scholarship committee meets with the remaining 5 wanna-be-loan-free students in order to determine who will challenge Davis in the Scholarship Round. AWG, Frenchie and TOD pepper the kids with thought provoking questions as they attempt to plead their case (i.e. beg for one more chance). Alyssa is in tears (again) because “everyone has had a chance” except her. Welcome to the real world honey. One more outburst like that and your going to “Brat Camp”. Amari, Alyssa, Donger and Max do an admirable job defending themselves and make a good case for why they should be able to have that final shot at cash and glory. Gerald, on the other hand, admits that he didn’t study for the previous quiz (which would have helped him with the amendments) and took a four hour nap, telling the judgmental creeps, “I was pretty tired”. Dude, THIS is why you got shipped off to the back of the room (see: Episode 2). Now is the time to lie you doofus. Did the tiger costume chafe your brain? (Again see: Episode 2). You are so done.

The Committee is really struggling with their decision this week, as it IS the last chance for an individual to make the finals. Alyssa seems to be a lock, particularly because she never made the scholarship round before, but yet is not a TOTAL idiot, like Gerald. Jeremy, and his “existential crisis” not withstanding, is such a dud. He’s sooo not getting a spot. I am really starting to feel bad for the Donger. His Wanky’s been Yankied for six whole weeks and it did not feel good.

Amari and Max have the best chance, after Alyssa. The Committee was so torn, that when they sent the sheet back to the house, only Davis’ name was on it. The remaining 5 are all forced to study the topic of U.S. Presidents. Davis is so thrilled he soiled his last pair of clean boxers, or it seems, in Davis’ case, Boxer-Briefs. Gerald and Jeremy study really hard, which is a total waste of their time. Davis brushes up on his dates, but is bursting with confidence. Amari points out that Davis’ Cocky attitude doesn’t mean he has the final spot locked up. If I know editing (and I think I do) Davis is going to choke more than Linda Lovelace in “Deep Throat”.

Heading into the quiz area, everyone is concerned about Alyssa and Jeremy’s feelings if they don’t get this one last chance. Get over it people. The Scholarship Committee has made their decision and it is............... DRAMATIC MUSIC, QUICK CUT TO L.A..........commercial.

Random Thought: Does anyone else love that T-Mobile commercial with the parents yelling at the kids all over the world *Sunshine Honeysuckle Smet*? Just asking.

Back in the “War Room” the Committee announces that it will be Amari and Alyssa versus Davis. Alyssa needs Davis “to really screw up” (oh, he will honey, he will). The Donger is devastated and cries like a girl. I would think that he would be used to rejection by now, however, I hope they hide the knives just in case.

The quiz begins and it is pretty rapid fire...3rd US President, 5th US President, 7th US President, 3rd VP.....Jefferson, Adams, Jackson, Burr. We are on a roll! Rob asks Davis “which 2 Presidents were assassinated in the 20th Century?” He answers”Lincoln and Garfield”. What? Rob asks (since “is that you final answer?” has been TOTALLY played out) “Are you committing to that?” and Davis says “Yes”. Well Davis, you’re dead WRONG. Davis is shocked–-he looks exactly like Cindy Brady when she went on that Quiz show (the one Bobby didn’t make–because he was cocky-- Davis should have heeded that lesson!). The rest of the group celebrates inwardly, because theses kids are polite to a fault, God Bless ‘em. Obviously, either Davis was unaware that the 20th century means the 1900's and 19th Century means the 1800's, or he truly believes he heard Rob say “19th Century”. Must have been those pesky voices in his head again. Anywayas Napoleon Dynamite would say.......”Idiot”!

Alyssa’a party is short lived, as she misses the next question about “one of the Roosevelts”. It’s down to the wire and Amari has to get the next one right to have a chance for the scholarship (since the Miss America Scholarship is completely out of her reach). Amari correctly guesses that Calvin Coolidge (a Jersey guy!) was sworn into office by his father. She does it! She is embraced by the group, who are pissed that THEY didn’t make it, but glad that Davis didn’t either. Kind of like the last 2 elections.

The finalists have now been determined and they are (in case you weren’t paying attention) Amari, Milana, Melissa, Liz and Scott. FOUR girls and ONE boy! If any of these chicks win and majors in Science, Larry Summers will have an aneurysm. We close the show with Davis calling his Dad and still insisting he heard the question wrong. Whatever choker. Did you Dad play for the ‘64 Phillies? I REALLY hope they hid those knives!

Until next week, remember........ RTVW Summaries: We Watch So You Don’t Have To.

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